Accepting ourselves - what helped you the most?

[Julie1123]

A lot of us struggle with accepting who we are and what we do. I know I've had my ups and downs. One of the biggest things that has helped me feel more comfortable was, well, finding clothes that were more comfortable. I really like the idea of a full feminine look but to be honest the wigs I tried just irritate me and make up just seems to take to long for a couple hours of dressing at most. I know more practice would make it better but for now its just not cost efficient with my time. As far as clothes go, I like a lot of the stuff I have but some of it just wasn't comfortable to sit around the house in long term. A big thing has been to find items that I can do just that in. For example, right now I'm wearing a full length mermaid cut jean skirt, that I absolutely love, and a Star Wars tee.

So, yeah, a combination of not worrying about going the full nines whenever I want to dress and finding comfortable lounge around clothes has made this a whole lot easier. Get to concentrate more on the relaxing and enjoying.

If you've struggled what has helped you the most?

P.S. Also, this site of course, and the people here. You all are amazing. Can't say that enough. :)

[ErikaS]

It took me a long time to accept me as a women and moving from a male wardrobe to a female one has been fun and interesting. I am buying more open neck blouses and shirts it's all about being comfortable and relaxing. And yes my wig is hot but I am growing out my hair and I only do light makeup. It's fun to just relax in yoga pants/shorts also but my work attire is getting more femme so who cares I'm being me.

Erika

[Ashley_K]

While I think accepting who you are is easiest if you can say screw what everyone else thinks, I am me, I can't do that very well. I still take cues from those around me, which is both good and bad. For me, I'll feel much better once my SO is more accepting. On days she is, I tend to feel much better about myself than on days she isn't. But as far as dressing goes, I just got a wig in May, and wow, seeing myself in the mirror for the first time was like bringing a fuzzy vision into focus. That was pretty cool.

[Samantha Clark]

No. 1 is my wife who is open to allowing me to be more accepting of myself and my desire to get dressed up. I think in time as we both get more comfortable I'll be able to be more accepting.

No. 2: finding this site and realizing I'm not alone.

No. 3: the clothes and makeup and forms and wig. I love my clothes and love the look back from the mirror. Have a way to go to perfect the makeup but that's another topic. Anyway, seeing a simulacrum of a girl in the mirror helps.

It's still a struggle to be at peace but at least I feel there is a path without insurmountable obstacles.

[Jennifer B]

A few things helped me. 1. Was my ex-girlfriend buying me lots of knickers over time. 2. As you say comfortable lounging female clothes. I don't have the figure to carry off a ballgown and tiara, I do have a ballgown and enjoy wearing it on occasions, but girl jeans and girl striped top and simple underwear etc is much more manageable for my body shape. 3. Whenever anything CD / Trans is mentioned in mainstream media. It's an acknowledgement that outside of our own community and sites like this one, those who don't, know we exist.

[Dana44]

For me it was a long road. Finally I have an SO that is accepting. That helped me the most. Yet I pushed the fem time a little hard and she wants me to be more manly. I am growing a beard and will go male for a couple weeks and see how she reacts to it. Heck, I am a more feminine male though.

[Junius]

There's a lot of factors in accepting myself but it all boils down to giving myself permission to be who I feel like I am. Like Julie, finding a comfortable set of clothes rather than going all out just to lounge in is helping me a lot. I've taken to avoiding boxers and mens jeans in public because no one really notices your underwear and choice of denim.

A big step I've taken is getting my ears pierced and eyebrows shaped. I knew that pretending to be fully male was becoming painful so if presenting female was out for now I gave myself permission to present androgynous. When the outside matches the inside it becomes easier to accept yourself.

What kicked this all off though is my pot smoking habits have changed drastically this year. I felt like I didn't belong in a mens world before but then I discovered weed. I smoked to bury myself then I smoked more to numb the pain this caused me. I haven't smoked a whole lot since February. This has given me a clear mind to reflect and I've found that the old me is coming out of hiding. This time I'm giving me permission to be me.

[mechamoose]

I think finding others like me had more to do with my image.

If I were the only one out here, I couldn't do this.

ETOH is a far worse mistress than weed.

I'm a prime example, pm me if you want to know more.

- MM

[Pat]

The thing that helped me most was learning to be relaxed and forgiving of myself. I was being 'way too type-A -- if I dressed, I felt I "should" dress to the nines. And it cut both ways -- I had to look manly when a man and womanly when a woman. I had to teach myself to relax and to listen to what The Real Me wanted, not obsess on what I ought to want. And if I do something imperfectly, I learned to forgive myself. Bad makeup job? It's OK. I need the most forgiveness (from myself) that I don't have a very female body -- I'll never be petit, I'll never have skinny wrists and ankles. But that's OK -- I have beauty even if it's not the beauty I'd prefer.

The biggest thing that helped me attain the above was turning 60. It's clear to me that I have fewer days in front of me than behind. I've fulfilled my responsibilities to my family and society. I decided I'm not going to my grave without finding peace with myself. ;)

[Laura912]

So an opinion from a third NC member....first was wife accepting me and seeing the normality in CDing, at least for me. Next was this forum. Then I think retirement helped because some bodily changes could be made that allowed a little more feeling feminine...nails, eyebrows, shaving.

[Rachelakld]

Divorce from wife number 1 was a major unshackleing - got full wardrobe, wig & make up went public within 2 weeks.

Redundancy, and a move back to the bottom of my career ladder gave me a "don't care attitude"

[mechamoose]

The thing that helped me most was learning to be relaxed and forgiving of myself



The biggest thing that helped me attain the above was turning 60. It's clear to me that I have fewer days in front of me than behind. I've fulfilled my responsibilities to my family and society. I decided I'm not going to my grave without finding peace with myself. ;)

Way to go Jennie!! If you don't have faith in yourself, then nothing else matters.

- MM

[Jorja]

For me, it was finally moving forward. I had been trapped for 22 years. The day I said I am doing this was the key that unlocked the door. I have never looked back and never second guessed my decision. Yes, there were some hard times but there have been far more good times in the last 35 years. Be confident in yourself, love life, and be free to be your true self. You deserve it.

[Amy Fakley]

Like many of us, I've struggled with this since early childhood. I didn't know why I wanted to be pretty, but in my household it was definitely considered "sin", and I learned damn well from the get-go to feel horrible about myself for doing it, and to hide it at all costs. And so from about 7 or 8 years and for the next 30 or so, that wrapped around my axle over and over, and my internal life became more and more convoluted and broken.

What helped me to come out of that, was cancer. If circumstances had not forced me both to viscerrally confront my own mortality, AND have a few months off work where there was little else to do but cherish the silence and for once in my life, stop and actually think about the life I'd been leading to that point .... that's what finally allowed me to come to terms with it.

If it hadn't been for that, I don't know how much longer things could have gone. I probably would have broken in some other, more destructive ways before finally coming to terms with it.

That's how I first came to accept that this is who I have always been, and it was not probably gonna ever change.

But the second stage of growth didn't happen until I came out, and was really accepted by my wife. Her acceptance, on some level, allowed me to accept myself utterly and completely, in a way I never dreamed to imagine. God, I love that woman! :-)

[Samantha2015]

I guess because I only dress 1-2 times per month (maybe 3 times if too many shopping deliveries come in)
I really like to go all out, head to toe. Make a whole day of it.
On days between dressing I might put on a pair of heels for a short time just to keep practiced
in my girl walking. But that's about the extent of it on non-dress days. When I'm in comfort clothes
I'm always in dude mode. I guess I'm a digital CDr only on or off ,not much in between. :)

[sometimes_miss]

At some point, I just realized that I didn't have to live up to other people's wishes, I didn't have to be what someone else wanted me to be. I had tried for so much of my life to do that, and had always failed in some way, it seemed that there was always someone who was disappointed in me, because I wasn't what they expected me to be. So I just stopped caring about what everyone else wanted, and decided I would now live for what I wanted, what made me happy. I lost some friends, I lost the respect of some others, some family, too. But I'm not here to make them happy. That's their problem, not mine. I now live to enjoy my life, or, at least, what's left of it, as I have wasted too much of my life in foolish pursuits. Now it's my time to be what I want to be, what feels good for me.

[Teresa]

Julie,
In one word , " This Forum !"
Through reading other members comments especially ones older than me I realised that CDing was for life, that changed my perspective and has helped me accept myself !
I think it's irrelevant what we wear it's accepting why we do it !
I agree kicking off the heels after a few hours is heaven but I know I'm going to do it again !

[Allisa]

I found myself reading some old muses I wrote, when I was deep in denial, and oddly enough an off cuff remark about my hairs length for a person of my age. Made me realize that I was pleasing and conforming to every one else's standard and said enough is enough I am who I am so, no more shame, no more denial, I am going to be myself in my gender fluidity and dress as I please. The more I progressed in my expression the more accepting I became until one day viola I just didn't care anymore who knows and who sees me in my femme dressing, all the time being a member of this site helped me greatly realize I was not alone and added to my confidence as a CDer that I was just as normal as anyone else just with a little extra personality. And I must say that I am a better person and more open. What helped the most? maybe a little bit of everything and the maturing process with age.

[kimdl93]

Maturity. I was tired when I wrote that terse response.

But I owe some elaboration. Life experiences gained through time are what maturity is made of. But I've also had some outside help. My psychologist, who helped guide me back to emotional health during a rocky period, among other things helped me begin to understand that this part of me was OK....something I never before could allow myself to imagine. And coming out...first to my then girl friend, now wife, cemented that realization.

The act of coming out to someone close to you certainly is a risky business. But as in so much of life, there is a strong relationship between risk and reward. Others cannot give us acceptance if we don't seek it. We deny ourselves acceptance if we do not at least pursue it.

In the end, perhaps I reached a point where I cognitively understood that being TG was ok, and with maturity realized that the risk of rejection was worth taking. I could, and can live with the occasional rejection in return for the occasional acceptance from others. Perhaps that is self acceptance.

[Barbara Jo]

Simple ......

Genuinely liking myself and, just being glad to be alive . :)

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Julie, I've been in this program for over 68yrs. now,
I guess that I just evolved naturally, Having the best of both worlds.:daydreaming:

This forum is a wonderful place for us liked minded persons.:hugs:

[notready4public]

I can't say for sure that I HAVE fully accepted myself in this sense. I am not self-conscious about dressing privately for just my SO and I to enjoy but I don't know if my reluctance to do so publicly is because I haven't accepted it or if I just honestly don't have a desire to do so. I do know that just the little bit I have read on here has helped me understand a little more about this subject and in just the few days since I found the forum I see where I am very fortunate to have such a supportive and accepting SO. I have also seen that for me to truly understand what I want I am going to have to confront myself on the issue and actually give it honest consideration instead of intentionally finding ways not to think about it.

[Erica Marie]

Honestly, its been some 30 years and for me it has only gotten worse. I find it harder and harder to accept myself. What I fear is rejection and that has held me back my whole life.

[Adelaide]

Definitely NOT my wife. She still doesn't accept who I really am. And she purged my clothes & wigs on a few occasions...
Those that have supported me the most are my GG, hairdresser, therapist and SA at a local wig shop. My therapist even mentioned to my wife that I was a beautiful woman inside/out. All have helped me being more confident.
But believe me, in the 80s, without the internet & therapy, I felt all alone in this world. Young people today are so fortunate to be able to research what they feel and realize that there's nothing wrong with them...

[marshalynn]

After 72 years, I feel normal, I get dressed in my clothes every day and do normal things people do. Ninety-nine % of the time it is completely fem. Some times I will make the effort to be very pretty and other times just normal pretty. (at least that's the way I feel) I can't tell you when this happened, just one day this is how it was. I love to feel normal and live my life.. Marshalynn

[TrishaTX]

First , was coming to terms that this was who I was that alone took 40 years, then telling my wife , most important thing ever....finally therapy and clothes that fit and are my style....much better today but not all the way there yet.

[Sometimes Steffi]

For me, it was therapy

[donnaS]

I find wearing panties everyday very comforting. Gives me confidence. I also can't stand any kind of wig but real human hair. These wigs feel more natural and are worth all the money. I build more confidence the more I accept myself as this is me. Wished it wouldn't have taken me so long to let it all out.

My SO says I worry too much about people noticing me underdressed or completely shaved. Most people don't bat an eye at what I'm wearing. Given me more confidence after venturing out in public and trying it out.

[Adriana Moretti]

I always try to remember this is supposed to be fun. and a gal can never have too much fun ......xoxo

[LeslieSD]

The moment is when my fiance would not accept my dressing.

It sounds ironic when the moment is when my value is really being questioned. I thought so hard on what I can do to get her over that issue because I don't want to lose her. And then all the sudden it dawned to me that that's truly who I am, including the fact that I am a crossdresser, and it will probably be that way forever. There is nothing wrong about it just like the color of my skin and my race. I will have to accept it with no apology no guilt of being who I am, otherwise no one will accept myself.

It took me decades of struggle to really see that simple fact. I may still have issues here and there now a day. But that is the moment I truly accepted myself.

[Samantha_Smile]

1 - This place/finding out I'm not alone. Working it out that I didn't have to battle through my own questions by myself.

2 - Having my girlfriend, now my wife accept. This helped to alleviate SOOOO much of the guilt and hurtful side to this

3 - Having a good friend (a GG) accept me with the truth, for showing me that there IS tolerance and love from your truest friends.

[Marcelle]

Hi Julie,

For me it became easier to accept myself as I began to engage in the Vanilla world as a woman more and more. I realized people may notice the "guy dressed as a girl" but for the most part people either did not care or if they did had the good graces to keep their comments to themselves. I have had set backs but each good foray in the world (now including the work place) raised my confidence level to be who I needed to be. If the world could tolerate/accept my existence, then I suppose I had to cut myself a bit of slack as well :).

Cheers

Isha

[Krisi]

I think it was easier to accept myself after finding on the Internet that many more males than I would have though share my "hobby". I've also discovered that many are far more "strange" than I am and that puts things in perspective.

[AbigailJordan]

Strangely enough, the fear of being outed was probably the biggest single factor that helped me. Although I have always been comfortable and have rarely suffered the doubts and anguish that some of our sisters have. I did always keep things very private as far as possible, with only one or two very close friends confided in.

It was the day that I discovered that many people around town knew about me. It was when I discovered that the town gossip, one of my biggest detractors knew about Abi that everything flipped. I found that far from the fear and anxiety taking over and crushing me, the mere thought of such a challenge against who I am was more than my inner tiger was willing to take. It was the "fear" of being gossiped about and having my name dragged through the mud that made me decide to get out there and own the hell out of it.

From sneaking out after dark, I am now perfectly happy popping down to the corner store in leopard print harem pants and poncho style jersey. I still have limits around some people who "may" have heard, but generally the freedom I feel now to be myself (whether in drab or drag) is so much greater, and all because I refuse to hide away and allow people to think I'm ashamed or embarassed about what I do.

[LucyNewport]

The thing that helped me the most was meeting other people like me, both online and out in the wide world. Its nice to realize that you are not alone with this strange need! Getting to that point was tough though - especially the outdoors part. I had all kinds of doubt and fear about being ridiculed, beat up, whathaveyou. I was really lucky in that my wife is generally accepting of CD'ing and taught me about makeup and how to pick a flattering outfit.

Lots of practice and a diminishing concern for what strangers think have gotten me to where I am now.

[Tina_gm]

A work in progress still, but I think I have come to a point where I have gone farther or accepted more than what I have left... I hope anyway. I cannot say it is or was any one thing. I know part of my acceptance in the beginning was all of the society ills and expectations I felt I was having such a hard time living up to. And the desires I had which were sooo taboo. And at the time, for so long, there was only tranny porn that I saw as to others who were like me, only I didn't feel like any of what I saw. In fact, it was horrifying to me. So for decades I just felt very disconnected and afraid, going through massive denial and repression. I really do not know if there was any one thing I can point to. I do remember a few years ago thinking, I just don't have the energy to fight it anymore. Now, whether that is because it has grown to be stronger, or whether a person only has so much energy or resource to deal with any one thing and I just ran out, I do not know. But I do know that over the last 2 and a half years, actually a little more than that now, since I began a journey of self acceptance, I have just grown to feel more and more ok with myself. I no longer feel I am bad in any way, or wrong, or mentally ill. I used to feel all of those things. I am still not 100% there as to full acceptance yet, although it is more from just not wanting to be so different rather than being wrong or bad or ill.

[msniki48]

While I think accepting who you are is easiest if you can say screw what everyone else thinks, I am me, I can't do that very well. I still take cues from those around me, which is both good and bad. For me, I'll feel much better once my SO is more accepting. On days she is, I tend to feel much better about myself than on days she isn't. But as far as dressing goes, I just got a wig in May, and wow, seeing myself in the mirror for the first time was like bringing a fuzzy vision into focus. That was pretty cool.

as Ashley said, the part where we need to be able to say screw everyone else, this is who I ,is something i think i will struggle with for a long time. [ or at least as long as i need a job ] .

as far as dressing, i trully see niki when i am fully dressed and made up....thats when vince disappears

hugs

niki

[Kandi Robbins]

After a lifetime of fighting the urge and denying what I am, I finally just got fed up. I actually spoke out loud (to myself) that I am a crossdresser. CDing for me was never any fun and was very guilt ridden. I only dressed partially, always from the neck down. I then decided to try and enjoy it, keep a few items instead of doing the quick purge. Lo and behold, it all started feeling better, felling right. Now the big hurdle, tell my wife. It only took 2 months to build up the nerve. She was accepting and supportive, thank goodness. Fast forward 10 months and I have my own lingerie drawer, a closet full of dresses, skirts, sweaters and tops, makeup, a wig and a box full of jewelry. My wife shares her purses and shoes with me (we are the same size). I get dressed completely as a woman at least once a week, usually twice. I eat in restaurants, shop and volunteer en femme. But I never forget the struggle, the years of self-loathing this all created and am thankful for every day that I get to zip up my dress, slip on my heels, grab my purse and go face the world!

[2B Natasha]

Divorce from wife number 1 was a major unshackleing - got full wardrobe, wig & make up went public within 2 weeks.

Redundancy, and a move back to the bottom of my career ladder gave me a "don't care attitude"

OMG. It like you read my mind. It took me more like 6 weeks to go out. But the same for everything else.

[Heidi Stevens]

I came to the realization of my true self just before therapy lbegan last winter. The therapy has confirmed what I have come to accept, I am female. My goal now is to be myself, while helping our marriage to stay strong. Even if I'm not presenting as a woman 24/7. I'm happy and at peace.

[steftoday]

Therapy.
Two GG women that know both sides of me.

[Robyn2006]

I know this sounds simplistic, but for me it was those moments in the mornings when I awoke and the fog lifted. Whenever I found myself male, life just went on. No big thing. But when I awoke to find myself femme - adored from the night before and with the day ahead mine - I aways smiled and felt empowered, felt honest. That realization, when finally held, changed everything.

[Elli87]

Lots of self deliberation, a little bit of therapy, and plenty of exploration helped me. Still not entirely bulletproof but If I ever find a way to be, I won't hesitate to share it.

[Gillian Gigs]

1. Coming to the point of knowing that I couldn't change me, so it was go crazy, or acceptance.
2. Finding this forum and reading about how others had similar struggles.
3. Having an accepting wife who helped me move forward in self acceptance.
4. I stopped thinking that I had to be like everyone else. I stopped caring what others thought.

[Jenn A116]

For me it was simply the passage of time and increased maturity. I ultimately came to realize that this was a part of who I am. I'm not hurting anybody and its something I enjoy.

As a benefit, my wife (who knew about Jenn before we got married) has said that I bring something extra to the marriage in that I have a sensitivity and gentleness that she appreciates.

[Dana3]

1. Coming to the point of knowing that I couldn't change me, so it was go crazy, or acceptance.
2. Finding this forum and reading about how others had similar struggles.
3. Having an accepting wife who helped me move forward in self acceptance.
4. I stopped thinking that I had to be like everyone else. I stopped caring what others thought.


Its taken me a many a year to come to this point, to comprehend and understand the "Spectrum" of both gender and sexual identity and that they're not one and the same, and its been a journey in comprehension and understanding,........................and a whole lot of denials overcoming heavy handed cultural, societal and religious conditioning. The internet has been a God send in understanding and comprehending that concept of it all.

[Lacey New]

For me, this site helped a lot. For years, I have hidden my crossdressing from those that know me (and I will continue to do so) and I would guiltily buy things, hide them, dress when I could and then purge thinking that "this too shall pass" Well, it has not. So, out of curiosity, I kept trying to figure out what this urge was. Was it something unique to me? Are there others? Thankfully this site has helped me realize that I am not alone. Obviously there are many crossdressers out there who are truly "out", there are likely many like me, who are only out a little bit but who deal with it in their own ways. This site has enabled me to see that spectrum and I appreciate it. The other thing that this site has helped me with has been giving me the confidence to make my crossdressing experiences more rewarding by encouraging shopping in the right places where I can get the nice things that I want without embarrassment or fear.

[Mayo]

I still have a long way to go and am not yet sure where it'll end up, but being accepted into a Skype discussion group of transwomen has helped me a lot with accepting my own inclinations in that direction as well as knowing a couple of other people who've transitioned.

[Rebekah_uk]

For me, it was admitting to my wife that I am a crossdresser and not having to hide this side of me from her. We have along way in the last couple of years. From not wanting to see me dressed, to seeing me dressed in jeans and a femme t-shirt, to finally seeing me with women's capri's a nice ladies peplum top and padding in my bra tonight. The only thing left for her to conquer is the sound of women's heels on our hardwood floor. When I shaved my legs last winter she encouraged me to keep them shaved permanently, she was correct when she said nobody cares they are to busy with there daily lives.

[StefaniLara]

Two people, actually, have helped me accept myself. The first was my very first actual girlfriend back in 1997. I made a passing joke about being prettier than her in a dress, and she called me out on it, which I secretly wanted. She actually put me in a dress, and she liked what she saw. She taught me about make-up, helped me shop for clothes. She accepted me for me and even after breaking up, we have remained friends. She is, in fact, my best and most important friend that I've ever had. If it's possible to have a soulmate who's not a life partner, then she most definitely is.

The second is a friend I knew from church growing up. She's a lot older than I, but we date back in '98, lost touch, and recently we found each other again. It had been years since I let Stefani out, my ex-wife making snide remarks of the fact that I existed in this form. I let this friend know, and slowly I began to emerge from hiding. The first few outfits were bad, but soon we learned what size I wore, what looked good, and what my style would be.

It took two of my dearest friends, and almost two decades, to come to terms with the idea that I was a crossdresser. I've come to realize that I'm more than just a guy in a dress, but a woman who masquerades as a man solely because I had the misfortune to be born a boy. The both accept me for who I am, and that allowed me to also accept myself, and to learn to love myself. I'll never let another woman take that from me again.

[St. Eve]

So many things I could write...

Here is the most direct one...

My wife and I watched the Bruce Jenner interview in late April. The next day, in response to my question about what is wrong, my wife looked at me and burst into tears while saying, "I am so sorry I have prevented you from being happy for the last 20 years." I came out to her in very-bad-manners-surprise-style in 1992, and in less than 5 minutes, her shocked and direct response sent me back in the closet for the next 16 years. Then, after 6 years of abstinence as I found sexual and emotional and relational sobriety...the Bruce Jenner interview.
The last few months have been a big roller coaster ride, and, I am getting wonderful peace inside that I have can not remember ever having. Today, I fully accept that I am a CD and some form of Gender fluid or TG. I see now that these realities began as early as 3-6 y.o. By the time I was 10, I had spent hours and hours putting every item of my mom's clothes on my body. I am thrilled to be in the process of knowing and expressing myself authentically. I hate that it is SO HARD for my SO, and, she keeps telling me she is more interested in my happiness and peace than in me shutting myself down. I love her deeply for it.

Thank you all for being here, I know I do not have to do this alone. I have lovely and wonderful cisgendered friends who are supporting me, and y'all are essential in me not feeling alone.

peace
St. Eve