AllisonCS1
08-12-2015, 06:35 PM
So on Monday, my therapist imformed me that she would write my letter so I can start on hrt and I don't know how I feel.
I'm not afraid, at least I don't think so, but nor am I excited... Now to be fair to myself for the past 3 weeks now I have been living in excruciating pain from a old shoulder injury. So perhaps that is dulling my emotional state.
I am a bit frustrated, but that's just because I have to deal with the VA, I suppose that I could just pay out of pocket like so many do, but it's a benefit I have... It's just a frustrating eye ticking benefit that might cause me to go gray... Then again when has anything with the VA ever been easy, granted since moving to Wisconsin I've noticed a massive difference from the overall crappyness of Illinois VA to Wisconsin's more helpful but still irritating system. Mostly It's only irritating due to me having to drive long distance for my appointments.
I do know that it has been frustrating and somewhat exhausting to get to this point, considering that I'm always on the road and have to attempt to squeeze all my various appointments into a one day block so I can actually relax a few days before hitting the road again.
Maybe though, it's a calm acceptance, I started down this path with transitioning as my end goal, well technically a happier life was my goal... Transitioning was a secondary goal.
A year ago, it wasn't like I just woke up and decided that I wanted to transition, it had been on my mind for years, I just never gave it a voice before because I wanted a family and somewhere down the line I convinced myself that if I didn't appear "normal" then I wouldn't ever find someone. Well I appeared "normal" for 38 years for the most part and never managed so perhaps I just need to be true to myself. TIme will tell I suppose.
I Do know that I feel a lot better as Allison then what I usually feel. though I really don't like living in a small town now, nor do I like shopping in a small town, I kind of wonder if that is normal, I'm more comfortable in larger crowds presenting as Allison than what I am in nearly empty stores, well there's a few exceptions. Monday I was going to goto wallmart after I went to my nieces but before I went home and began the depressing task of putting Allison away as I prepared for work the next day. but after my nieces I just couldn't bring myself to stop, so I went home and took out my extensions, cleaned off my nail polish, showed a.nd dressed in my more often selfs clothing and then went to Walmart
I don't really trust myself, but that just stems from a lifetime of bad choices, turning right when I should have went left. But it's not that I have doubts, persay, it's more just a general confusion as to what exactly I am feeling and to be honest that is something that I have been struggling with for my whole life.
Anyhow, I sort of just needed to vent a bit about my own confusion, thanks for reading.
I'm not afraid, at least I don't think so, but nor am I excited... Now to be fair to myself for the past 3 weeks now I have been living in excruciating pain from a old shoulder injury. So perhaps that is dulling my emotional state.
I am a bit frustrated, but that's just because I have to deal with the VA, I suppose that I could just pay out of pocket like so many do, but it's a benefit I have... It's just a frustrating eye ticking benefit that might cause me to go gray... Then again when has anything with the VA ever been easy, granted since moving to Wisconsin I've noticed a massive difference from the overall crappyness of Illinois VA to Wisconsin's more helpful but still irritating system. Mostly It's only irritating due to me having to drive long distance for my appointments.
I do know that it has been frustrating and somewhat exhausting to get to this point, considering that I'm always on the road and have to attempt to squeeze all my various appointments into a one day block so I can actually relax a few days before hitting the road again.
Maybe though, it's a calm acceptance, I started down this path with transitioning as my end goal, well technically a happier life was my goal... Transitioning was a secondary goal.
A year ago, it wasn't like I just woke up and decided that I wanted to transition, it had been on my mind for years, I just never gave it a voice before because I wanted a family and somewhere down the line I convinced myself that if I didn't appear "normal" then I wouldn't ever find someone. Well I appeared "normal" for 38 years for the most part and never managed so perhaps I just need to be true to myself. TIme will tell I suppose.
I Do know that I feel a lot better as Allison then what I usually feel. though I really don't like living in a small town now, nor do I like shopping in a small town, I kind of wonder if that is normal, I'm more comfortable in larger crowds presenting as Allison than what I am in nearly empty stores, well there's a few exceptions. Monday I was going to goto wallmart after I went to my nieces but before I went home and began the depressing task of putting Allison away as I prepared for work the next day. but after my nieces I just couldn't bring myself to stop, so I went home and took out my extensions, cleaned off my nail polish, showed a.nd dressed in my more often selfs clothing and then went to Walmart
I don't really trust myself, but that just stems from a lifetime of bad choices, turning right when I should have went left. But it's not that I have doubts, persay, it's more just a general confusion as to what exactly I am feeling and to be honest that is something that I have been struggling with for my whole life.
Anyhow, I sort of just needed to vent a bit about my own confusion, thanks for reading.