"Happy" guilt?

[Chrissy1966]

After 17 years of marriage, I came out CD to my wife. I've mentioned this in other posts that besides being "into it" sexually, she supports me 100% and we've never felt closer to each other.

Last year, I was literally walking in front of cars in supermarket parking lots, hoping to get hit. That's how low I was with self-hate/shame/guilt because I was so convinced that I was gay. It wasn't the gay part that was killing me but all of the lying/hiding to a woman who treats me.....she's incredible. We also have two children.

And there I was, in hotel rooms (alone), dressed, watching gay porn....falling over drunk/high.......alone......it was a sad sad sight. Hating myself more and more each day. We never had sex, maybe twice a year....maybe. And even then, it was awful. I would *** too fast, roll over and hate myself even more because I couldn't be a good lover......it just went on and on like that.

In May, we had "the talk", and it's like we've started a new life together. We've both lost 20lbs each (we had started going to the gym before our vacation where all of this happened anyway) and people at her job have said that "you're positivity glowing". I now walk with my head up instead of staring at the ground. And our sex life is off the charts.

So why do I (sometimes) feel guilty that so many things are going right for me? I read some of the terrible stories on this site, the awful things that people have to endure. Why did I get so lucky? I'm hesitant to post my thoughts because they're usually good things and I feel like I'm bragging and throwing it into people's faces. That is in no way my intention. It breaks my heart to hear what some of you are going through.

I know life doesn't work like this and we'll have future bumps in the road. That's simply the way it goes. But I don't feel like I'm in a fog anymore, that I'm not alone and that I now have a partner who will be there when the bumps do arrive.

Like right now....even as I type this......I'm hesitant to post it. This is all still so new to me but I have to remind myself.....again: No labels. We're all on our own journey. This is where I'm at right now. I can't change the past.

To quote Edna Mole, "I never look back, darling. It distracts from the now."

Thank you for listening

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Chrissy, It's important to keep the lines of communications open.:hugs:

Be Careful and stay within the marked Crosswalks. :daydreaming:

[kimdl93]

Don't feel guilty about sharing a positive outcome. Of course, you're experience doesn't mean every other situation will turn out well. But your experience illustrates that the possibility exists. You lend a measure of hope.

[JeanetteX]

Please dont feel guilty Chrissy. Everybody has their own story to tell whether its a positive or negative one. We're all here to listen to each other aren't we? We are a supportive group and in your case I feel so happy that things have turned out so well. I wish you all the best girl

[Amy Fakley]

I can relate. Things went almost too well after I finally spilled the beans (also after 17 years). Not saying there weren't ups and downs. Coming out to her was an intense experience I hope to never repeat.

But it brought us much closer as well. Jump started our nearly dead sex life too.

There are many, serious as hell risks involved in coming out. The decision to do so, should never be taken lightly. However, I think its important for those of us with positive outcomes to share our stories as well. Sometimes things DO work out ... not just work out but vastly improve!

[AllieSF]

A well written story on how this part of ourselves may affect us. Thanks for sharing and please keep that guilt at bay and be proud and happy for yourself and your situation.

[Samantha Clark]

Be happy! Glad it's going so well for you. Try not to feel guilty for being happy. In a way it sounds as though you are feeling a form of survivor's guilt perhaps?

[Chrissy1966]

Be happy! Glad it's going so well for you. Try not to feel guilty for being happy. In a way it sounds as though you are feeling a form of survivor's guilt perhaps?

Yes, the "survivor's guilt" term has crossed my mind but I didn't mention it because so often, it's connected with issues much more serious than what I went through. Or maybe I'm simply in denial on just how dark it got. Walking into traffic is not something a "normal" person would do. Doesn't matter now. I'm done with it and won't go there again. I have a stiff neck and can't look back over my shoulder anyway. :)

Thank you everyone, for your comments and feedback. :love:

[AbigailJordan]

did you "get lucky" or did you "make your own luck". Sounds like you were in a worse place than most if you were ready to get hit by cars to put an end to it.

It seems that you clearly decided that your biggest guilt was that of secrecy. Your wife had already shown herself to be devoted and loving, and you took a chance on trusting her with your innermost feelings.. yes, compared to some who go through turmoil, anguish and even divorce over dressing, you have been lucky. But that luck would never have manifested had you not built up the courage to tell the woman you respect most in the world.

Many people sit and wait for the light at the end of the tunnel, only to find that when it comes, it's actually a train hurtling towards them. You chose to run down the tunenel and trun the light on yourself. Now you get to reap the reward for that bravery.

All the best Chrissy, Can't wait to hear how your journey turns out

Lots of Luv
Abi xxx

[Gretchen_To_Be]

What an amazing story; it's always darkest before the dawn. I was convinced my wife would leave me. It's been three years and we're still going strong. I'm so happy for you! Enjoy your new life!