Coming out at work, version 2

[Karen62]

So on July 2 and July 6, I had 5 separate meetings with various people at work where I officially revealed that I was transsexual and was well into the path of transition. I spoke to my vendor team, my manager (who was initially worried why the Director of HR had been invited into our regular 1 on 1 weekly meeting!), a couple of individual VPs and lastly to my teammates. With this being last coming out event (I had already told all of my friends and immediate family members well before that), I felt free. I became so much more relaxed, I stopped censoring my mannerisms, my speech patterns, and loosened up on what I wore to work (I'm not full-time yet, as I want more time to benefit from HRT, to learn basic cosmetic skills (I have hired a pro makeup artist to give me a 2-hour lesson), and to acquire a good working woman wardrobe, all of which will help me be seen by others as the woman I am to me).

However, the work grapevine is apparently dysfunctional. The one VP who leads the business group I support did tell her team of Directors and managers about me (even though she refused to allow me to appear at that meeting, even though I wanted to attend, so I could show those folks that I was not afraid, that I was still the same person, not a cartoon caricature, and that I was willing to be transparent and open to questions, but she was afraid I'd be putting myself out there like a "dog and pony show"). Still, at least the word was getting around, or so I thought. I also assumed (yes, I know the definition of "assume" means making an ass out of you and me) that the business group for which I work would also spread the word of my announcement to the other peer team leads. Not as gossip per se, but in a pre-emptive way of preparing their teams for a new, potentially socially awkward situation (at a minimum, I presume the changing of which bathroom I use will be a socially awkward moment).

Well, I made an ass out of myself with my assumptions. I have been uncensored ever since those early July meetings, and since then, I've been getting a wide spectrum of reactions from folks. I initially thought some of them were just amused, but just a little scratch at the surface of the issue revealed they were actually bemused. They had no idea what was going on with me. No one had heard my news, so I was continuously spending time having private 1 on 1 conversations with people who I thought would have already been told. The management was NOT prepping the teams for the coming full-time/bathroom transition. I asked my manager what was going on, and he said nothing was going on. They regarded my revelation as a private matter and were keeping it confidential. However, one of the people with whom I had a recent 1 on 1 conversation said this actually was not a private matter; it was a personal matter. A woman's pregnancy is a personal matter, but the public physical change is self-evident. She said this is the same with me.

That inspired me to call a big meeting with my management team, HR, the company diversity team, and the company LGBT support group. I said that the two business groups have handled my situation differently and inconsistently, and the result is that I am becoming stressed because I have to have "the conversation" repeatedly with so many individuals to get them all on the same page.

The result of this big meeting is that the LGBT support group and the diversity team will be sponsoring a pair of hour-long "Afternoon Break" meetings in which I hold an open forum on being transgender in the workplace. The meeting invitations are ostensibly the public announcement I seek, and the meetings themselves are the transparency I vowed to offer about how this "event" (my transition) will affect (or more correctly, not affect) the working environment in my company.

So while I am not that great of a public speaker, and I do get nervous in big groups, I am holding a meeting about my changing my gender presentation from male to female. At least I will be more of an expert on the topic that almost everyone in the room!

So how would you handle this meeting? What would you say? I plan to explain that...



I am not "changing into a woman," but instead am merely changing my gender presentation to reflect what has always been the truth for me internally.
I am still the same person I have always been, just now the uncensored version of me.
I will be changing my appearance even more over the coming weeks and months, but for now I am in the awkward in-between phase (and only in the beginning of it), but I look forward to that getting better, although it will take quite a bit of time for it all to settle out.
At some point soon, my name will change to Karen, which will be reflected in my email account, business logins, etc., and when that happens, I want my new name to be used.
At some point, the bathroom that I use at work will change, which is totally appropriate.
I am open to talking about this if people have questions, and I will address all questions that are dignified, appropriate in the business place, and not hostile in nature.
I anticipate people will make mistakes in gender pronouns, and that I will not get upset if the errors are honest mistakes. But I will also state that I will not accept abuse, condescension, or flagrant disregard in failing to correct ongoing, continuous errors (insults).


What am I missing? As much as the company is new to this, so am I. This is uncharted territory for all of us. As transgenderism is the subject of this presentation, how would you do this meeting? What would you talk about? I will be prepared to address things such as:



why now?
how long have I known?
what is transgenderism (and define sexual identity, gender identity, and gender preference, although to be honest, I worry a bit about getting into the topic of gender preference. The concern stems from the fact that, at least as of now, my gender preference has not changed, and I don't want women to hear that and think about me being in their bathroom. After all, gays and lesbians are not banned from using the bathrooms of the gender they prefer (but this event is just so "in your face" that it does worry me that this could be seen as an issue, even in the progressive Pacific Northwest. Recall that Mike Huckabee, one of the 17 thousand people running for President in 2016, condescendingly and horridly said in response to Caitlyn Jenner's transgender revelation that Huckabee wished he knew back in high school that all he had to do was to say he was a woman so he could have gained access to the girl's locker rooms. What a jackass, but some people do believe that garbage).
If asked, do I go into what physical changes happen with the administration of HRT? How do I handle questions about surgery options? I figured if required, I'd talk about these topics in the abstract, but not about me, per se.


Thoughts? Topic suggestions? I could use your input. Thanks!

Karen

[I Am Paula]

It sure sounds like HR dropped the ball. I hope you can get this straightened out without too much fuss.
My only suggestions on topics is- Stress the importance of pronouns, and your real name.
Good luck:straightface:

[Marcelle]

Hi Karen,

It seems you have all the basics covered in your discussion points. I was fortunate in that this type of meeting was done by Director General with my gender identity therapist there to respond to questions. But the points you indicated were salient to the discussion. Personally I found the information sessions paid dividends in that people whom I did not know personally (I had the discussion with my close colleagues on my own time) benefited from some education on the subject and it helped to ease a few of the awkward situations but you cannot change a person's belief. The biggest sticking point was bathroom use but that has become a non-issue now.

Good luck.

Cheers

Isha

[Eringirl]

Hi Karen: Wow...that is a lot to digest. I can see how it may have not gone according to your plan....these things have a lot of moving parts and a communication plan takes a lot of work to design and then implement, especially in a large organization. I have come out to critical personnel at work just for now....basically, those that are critical to the design and implementation of my communications plan. Your outline for your conversations to the large groups looks like the basics are covered. I would suggest that you be prepared for the unexpected questions, as it is hard to think up all the questions that someone who has never heard of GD or TG before might have. (and yes, those folks are out there...I ran into one the other day....) Also, be ready for silence, as they may not know where to start and may wish to have more private conversations with you.

I hope it goes well. Keep me posted.

Take care!!!

Erin

[LeaP]

In short, I would not have the meeting. I'm out at work to several key people: the managing director of HR, my divisional HR rep, the HR diversity rep, the executive sponsor of the LGBT employee relations group, and several individuals, including one of my direct reports. I intend to approach the topics you are broaching top down, starting at the board level - with the CEO, in fact, if I can manage that. The approach will be to treat trans employees' issues as sex discrimination. Period. As an emerging diversity area, that is not going to be an intuitive leap, so I'll make the case for that, again at the top. I've already broached the idea of management 1-1's at every level to set expectations for behavior and make the sex discrimination tie. YOU don't want to the presenter for the material you suggest because YOU will become the topic, not the things you would like to cover. You need meetings to cover your transition, but not to do the education. Get the powers that be to do that part.

[Karolyn]

Karen, first, congratulations for having done one of the most difficult step in your transition, the come out at work. Even if this is not finished, you have started, and now the wheels are turning, there is no come back.

On my side, I had a lot of luck to be honest, my company has been much more helping on my situation. But still, here are some recommendations I can give to you.


Insist on the fact that you are not "becoming" a woman, you are one. You already said it, but it is important. If people ask why you were not acting girly before, it is simply because you had to "act" to be accepted as what your body showed to people, having a guy's body
You said it already too, but insist on the fact that people use the right pronoun and name on the day where you make it official (emails, directory). But don't expect people to not make mistakes. For the name, it takes just a few days, for the pronouns, it took about 2 months. If you see someone making the mistake and correct themselves, just smile, or make a joke about it, but take it easy. A self-correction is a proof that the person cares. Only react stronger when someone misgenders you on purpose (but not during the first few days or weeks, give it some time)
To explain very nicely what are the different criterions defining someone's identity, use the infographic called "the genderbread person". Type that on Google Images, you will find a lot of copies. Use version 1, it is a bit less accurate than v2, but it is much easier to digest by people who have no clue that gender is continuous and made of multiple criterions. I have used that image a lot to illustrate.
Your sexual orientation is nobody's business! That is personal matter. I know several coworkers who are gay, but nobody at work knows, I just know because they are friends outside of work. So keep it for yourself, and if someone asks, just tell them that it is personal matter. Don't talk about it during your presentation. People will be confused enough by the situation, no need to give details they don't need and that will confuse them more.
And so is bottom surgery. Nobody at work asks questions about a coworker's genitals, that would be very rude and inappropriate. So it is the same for bottom surgery. Just reply "it is none of your business", and avoid the topic completely during your presentation.
For bathrooms, just say that the change will be a normal part of the transition. But say to women that if they have issues with it to talk to you first, and not to HR or by spreading bad rumors. Make sure HR is involved in case of issues, they are supposed to help, not making your life harder
For questions like "why now?" and "how long?", you can answer honestly, that will give some confidence from other people as you are being honest. The longer you say you have felt this way, the more realistic it will be for people to believe that you are a woman in the first place.
Do you plan to have an androgynous phase? I was planning too, and I actually realized it was just easier to switch instantly. I announced it publicly on Friday morning, people asked questions in the afternoon, and Monday morning I came as woman. However, that was the public side, HR and the executives knew 2-3 weeks earlier.
For changes related to HRT, you should not have to talk to much about it, that is still personal in nature. But you can answer questions such as your face's feminization, skin smoothing, longer hair (I guess), your feminine manners. I would not talk too much about the fact you will become more emotional, as it could affect your credibility in the professional world. I don't know for your company, but usually you have to show you are a strong person if you want to be heard.

That's all I can think for now. Thanks for giving us news, and I am looking forward to know the progress in your adventure.