How can I accept myself for who I am? Really struggling

[mikeyp]

I'm 21 years old and a male. I have an obsession. I literally feel the compulsive urge sometimes to wear panties/dresses. I hate myself for it, but I feel like if I can put on the clothes for an hour and climax, the need goes away. The problem is I live with my parents and my brother and they will literally give me crap about it , which takes away the whole thrill. I do want to present as a male in public for now though,

Should I like work hard to get my own place where I'll feel free from everyone. The thoughts of arousal are in my head literally all the time. I used to have a fetish with diapers, but I found that when I allowed myself to feel good and sleep in them, the thrill kinda went away for me, now it's women's clothing. I used to really hate myself for it, but I find that the more I try to suppress it, the more I get thoughts of suicide, etc. I really hate myself for this, but I do feel that it is a part of who I am in some way, sexually.

` I then read about people who have urges to have sex with children ,kill people, steal, etc and realized that this is pretty harmless I guess. I also really sympathize with those people now because I realize that the pain I feel is probably nothing compared to them. I'm just so scared that one day I'll push this whole thing too far. Right now, a sex change literally isn't an option for me. I don't even really care about shaving legs, etc. Will feeding my desire to dress around the house feed my urges?

I know it can't really be answered because it's all me, but I'd like to hear some experiences of self acceptance and the ability to live also as a male at will on the outside world. The ability to switch is VERY important to me and I don' really want to develop some sort of "stimulation" addiction.

[Jenniferathome]

Mikeyp, you are expressing a level of internal conflict that needs to be addressed by professionals. See counselor. Get it all off your chest. You won't get an "answer" here for the way you feel. That is a process that requires working with a licensed pro.

[mikeyp]

Mikeyp, you are expressing a level of internal conflict that needs to be addressed by professionals. See counselor. Get it all off your chest. You won't get an "answer" here for the way you feel. That is a process that requires working with a licensed pro.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that I think you guys could solve my problems for me. I moreso meant to ask what people's experiences here have been with this. I am seeing a therapist tomorrow also :0.

[Candice June Lee]

At your age, do what many of us older people didnt. See your counselor/therapist. If had many of us done this in our twenties we would have not had the issues we have had through much of our lives. That is accepting ojrselves. I canmot speak for everyone, nor can isay everyone felt guilty. All thag can be helped through a therapist.

[mikeyp]

Kandia

Yeah, my goal is mainly to be able to accept myself and be able to express this side of me within boundaries. I want the obsession to be gone really. I'd love to just be able to go to college this semester with a clear mind and understanding of what it is that I want. I love the way my guy side looks more though as I'm pretty decent looking. That's the attention I like in public :). I think I have finally come to see what I'm comfortable with though, just the thought of being able to dress when my family is away makes me feel so comfortable. At first, it was denial, it was the thought of what my muslim father would say. I'm still not all that comfortable with being seen in public, but whatever makes me feel comfortable I guess, right?

[Tonya Rose]

Seek Professional Help Gurl!:eek:

[Teresa]

Mikeyp,

Try and take a deep breath and settle down, realise that you're not the only one that has these feelings , as you say once you've lived them they settle down . You don't mention a partner but I guess I was lucky at your age because I had two GFs that accepted Cding which made it easier for me to accept it, I still wanted to dress without women for the arousal and felt guilty about it, that can take some time to pass if never at all in my case , so I just live with those feelings and accept that's part of me.
Also at your age you are fit and healthy and all this is very much heightened , try not to dwell on it too much and find other interests that take you mind off it and give you some balance in you life !
What you're doing isn't wrong just different to some other people !

[mikeyp]

Teresa


Yeah, I love the crossdressing, but I don't love that it's my only hobby. I still haven't started school and don't really have any real interests at the moment, except well, sexual desires lol.

[sugarbabe]

I'm just so scared that one day I'll push this whole thing too far. Right now, a sex change literally isn't an option for me. I don't even really care about shaving legs, etc. Will feeding my desire to dress around the house feed my urges?

I'm guessing it depends on the person, but I know that the more I started wearing panties, and especially after telling my wife about me, my desire to dress grew more. At this point in my life, I usually don't go for more than 3 or 4 days before I go en femme for 2 or 3 days. Sometimes, I'll go a week in girl mode and then "take a break" for a week. I am itching to dress up right now because we've had a guest visiting for the past 2 weeks (!!) and they leave tomorrow.

[Donnagirl]

I'm only going to reiterate what's already been said... Your feelings are not new to most of us here, yes it's confusing, yes it's scary but find someone skilled to talk to. It will be a great help...

[27th Jennifer]

I agree with everyone who has responded before me. See a counselor, therapist, or social worker. They are the people who can really help you. There is a wide breadth of life experiences on this forum that can help you realize that you are not alone. The sexual aspect, in my experience, is something that eventually passes into the enjoyment of dressing for its own sake.

As far as switching between male and female modes, I, like many others on this forum have a very manly job, doing manly things, but am able to be my female self when I have the opportunity.

Bottom line though, is seeking professional help should be a priority for you. There are many mental health professionals who specialize in gender issues.

Good luck, you can do this.

Ana

[kimdl93]

You're very young and still forming as a person. Trying things out.

As you mentioned, is is really harmless...and most certainly not a crime. Don't make to big a deal out of it. You are not defined by your sexual fantasies and/or fetishes....not any more than your brother, your parents or neighbors are defined by them.

[Rachelakld]

21, I was living in military barracks, living the life of any kick arse fighting machine.
30 years latter I can still be kick arse, still top of the game at paintball, airsoft, survival courses etc. I wish I could do it in a pretty dress though.

21 I also enjoyed womens underwear, my mum had the pleasure of washing them a few times when I came home for leave when I accidently forgot to take them out of my kit bag. Yes I hated myself, thought it was a weakness in my toughness.
My mum was cool with it but advised me not to let my dad know, he's was old school in those days, but that changed when life slapped him hard with my mums death.

So your not the only one.

[Katey888]

You may have inadvertently addressed your own questions...

First:

I have an obsession. I literally feel the compulsive urge sometimes to wear panties/dresses. I hate myself for it, but I feel like if I can put on the clothes for an hour and climax, the need goes away.

and finally:

... I don' really want to develop some sort of "stimulation" addiction.

Sounds like this hope may be too late. While the obsession itself may not be a crime or damaging, the developing obsession you're describing can be. And this might also be a little concerning...


I then read about people who have urges to have sex with children ,kill people, steal, etc and realized that this (the crossdressing fetish) is pretty harmless I guess. I also really sympathize with those people now because I realize that the pain I feel is probably nothing compared to them.
(My italics/parentheses and bold)

You can't equate the psycho- and sociopathic urges you've referenced here with a sexual addiction or a clothing fetish of any sort - and sympathising with those who express that degree of violence is either very naive or seriously misunderstood. Perhaps you didn't mean that the way that it came across...? Nonetheless, I also get the feeling there is an undercurrent of your ethnicity and culture in this too - a repressive environment is perhaps fuelling your need to rebel in any way you can...

Way too much going on here and probably more than we can see - yes, you need to speak to someone professional: Stat. :)

Katey x

[trishacd]

Dont beat yourself up,there are millions of people with harmless things like crossdressing.Im 61 years old and at 21 I had tons of frm clothes also did very good with woman.I feel like a very lucky gurl because dressing is so enjoyable.Enjoy the gift you have your not doing anything wrong!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Mikey,

You're conflicted, but you seem very self aware. You're able to articulate clearly and logically your feelings, desires and obstacles, but at the same time you've been taught somewhere along the line that these feelings and desires are shameful.

I'm sad to hear you've had suicidal thoughts - as you rightly say, wearing diapers or female clothing is hardly a crime - it isn't even particularly kinky, compared say to BDSM.

You ask about others' experiences...

I'm lucky in that I never had much in the way of guilt trips laid on me, so it's always hard for me to grasp the burden so many live under. However that doesn't mean I feel I can dress how I want all the time. I have to respect my wife's feelings for example, and although she's fairly tolerant of my CDing, she's worried about 'what the neighbours think' - so I remain closeted except when I go to other areas. That works for me.

Being 21 was a very difficult age for me emotionally, as I struggled to find myself and to break free of a sheltered childhood. You're smart- keep reminding yourself that one day, possibly quite soon, you'll be free of the nest, free to please yourself in many respects. Meanwhile try to avoid confrontation and situations where you know peer or parental pressure are going to hit you smack between the eyes. Be cool, in other words. Dress how you want in private, and spend time on this forum- it has a calming effect on many of us!

Needless to say many of have been through something similar to what you're going through, and to us we're normal and the rest of the world is weird for wanting to wear grey slacks and white button-down shirts.

Go figure.

Hugs, Nikki

[St. Eve]

Hi Mikeyp

Just wanted to be in the crowd letting you know you are not alone and sharing a bit of experience.
First, I agree with the advice to get counseling.


For me, I have been in counseling and personal work on and off since I was 8. The shame and guilt and pain in my life and my family led me to lots of depression and lots of self loathing and negative or suicidal thinking. I will turn 49 in a couple of weeks and the vast majority of shame and guilt have been washed away, released and transformed. I am feeling freer and freer. The process of therapy and honesty and healing is a difficult path and, for me, worth every second.

I regret that I did not really face my clothing fetish, or my crossdressing, or my fantasy life, or my compulsive masturbation until I was 42. Instead I lived with the cycle of guilt and shame and secrets and fear and secret CDing. Today, I am very much more peaceful and accepting of myself and celebrate my male and my female desires. I do really appreciate how fantasy and compulsive masturbation helped me to survive life for decades, and with a bunch of therapy and honesty and recovery, I am keeping the CDing and gender fluid parts of me and letting go of the shame and now experiencing a great decrease in the compullsive arousal as I accept myself and share true self with safe people.There are still many things to be worked out and I really have just begun to fully express who I really am into the world, and, the process is now bringing me peace and freedom instead of secrets and shame.

This is a great community for support and over time, you may find you have some lovely people in your life who are safe to come out to.

peace
Eve

[mikeyp]

Thank you St.Eve

Wow! I really like this reply. I can relate greatly to it. I remember awhile back, for so long I was sexually frustrated. I tried online dating, etc and couldn't get anything because I'm not that great looking, a bit chubby actually. That's when I felt most vulnerable and started crossdressing/diapers to get myself off about a year ago. I just remember when I was a kid, my first orgasm was with diapers, panties and a dress. I remember thinking, "I never need a woman again". So, may I ask some of the steps you've taken in self recovery? I actually remember how much stronger my diaper fetish used to be than the urge to crossdress. I could always accept that fetish, never had a problem with it. I even used to wear them in public sometimes. Eventually, I got bored of them and will still wear them from time to time.

I really do think that the anxiety and OCD of my situation could just be fanning the flame and that I'm probably making this A LOT bigger than it needs to be. Arousal has always been a disgusting beast for me. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable, so I feel as though I immediately have to relieve myself, and I'm constantly checking my levels of arousal just to make sure I'm "normal". Part of the reason I'm not comfortable crossdressing in public is because of the arousal, it distracts me from what I really want to be doing, going to school, focusing in class, work, etc.

It's like, if I'm not aroused while wearing the clothing, then why wear it? I like feeling weak, small, helpless, etc. That' s what women's clothing does for me. I'm jealous of the people here who say they get no sexual kick out of doing this, just comfort. Here's how I think of it.

Society has caused me to be ashamed of what arouses me, I channel the shame into anxiety, the anxiety into the strong urge to pleasure myself. I'm so disgusted by my thoughts that I want to get rid of them as fast as they come. I wish I could like accept the thoughts, but not be in a constant state of arousal. I wish I could just live my life as a male, and behind closed doors have "sex" to myself. It isn't healthy to be aroused all the time. How am I any different from a normal man who wants to go home and have sex with his wife?

[Lori Kurtz]

Society has caused me to be ashamed of what arouses me, I channel the shame into anxiety, the anxiety into the strong urge to pleasure myself. I'm so disgusted by my thoughts that I want to get rid of them as fast as they come. I wish I could like accept the thoughts, but not be in a constant state of arousal. I wish I could just live my life as a male, and behind closed doors have "sex" to myself. It isn't healthy to be aroused all the time. How am I any different from a normal man who wants to go home and have sex with his wife?
What an eloquent job you've done in describing the vicious cycle of obsessive behavior. Your insight is a good reason for you to feel hopeful for a resolution of your feelings. Really, dear, there's nothing wrong with arousal, and nothing wrong with pleasuring yourself in response to it. You already know that, right, in some rational part of your mind? Go ahead and enjoy what your body can do. Listening to advice of the ladies here, and accepting their friendship and support, should help you get more comfortable with accepting your feelings and dealing with the urgency of your arousal. And I agree with those who have suggested counseling for you. I firmly believe that you're going to be all right with just a little bit of help.

[Krisi]

I suggest seeing a psychiatrist. You seem to be pretty confused and unable to control your urges. And your mention of a sex change operation is way off base.

Most of us here are able to control our urges, at least to the point we can stay out of legal trouble and maintain normal relationships with other people including marriage.

[mikeyp]

I suggest seeing a psychiatrist. You seem to be pretty confused and unable to control your urges. And your mention of a sex change operation is way off base.

Most of us here are able to control our urges, at least to the point we can stay out of legal trouble and maintain normal relationships with other people including marriage.

Yep, when I discover something new and "fun" about myself I tend to get addicted. This whole "pleasuring" myself thing is actually very new to me. I actually only started about 10 months ago. I guess you could say that I've "discovered" my sexuality. I also have a history of mental illness, not related at all to this. Basically, I have an extremely addictive personality and it keeps me away from everything else in life. I could direct my focus on one thing for years on end.

@Lori, Honestly, your hope in me makes me very happy. I'm really trying to go to school for the first time this semester, but I've always felt like I was way too stupid to be able to succeed in life. I am seeing a counselor, but she hasn't really told me anything I couldn't find online as of yet. It is only the second session too. Also, she is super hot, so it doesn't really help my urges lol.

[Ninna]

Hi Mike

I feel really identified with you, both are young and we have an obsession with panties!! I ran from my feelings for many years, but I would tell you that since I decided to accept me as I am 100 % , freedom in my life has begun! it is not an easy road, but there is no other way to walk it, just accepting you! I believe me!

[mikeyp]

Hi Mike

I feel really identified with you, both are young and we have an obsession with panties!! I ran from my feelings for many years, but I would tell you that since I decided to accept me as I am 100 % , freedom in my life has begun! it is not an easy road, but there is no other way to walk it, just accepting you! I believe me!

Yeah, for me, it's really the panties that turn me on so much. Heels are a close second. Skirts and dresses are sexy for me, but they just don't feel as good. All I really need is that one pair of panties, everything else is unnecessary for me :). The problem is, panties don't make me feel secure at all, they just add to the intense arousal that I have, making me unable to focus on anything, but my little "secret". For that reason, I'd rather keep it as a home thing only. Sadly, the obsessive part of me keeps me doing what I love, rather than something that would increase my value in life, such as going to school, working, etc. How did you end up accepting this if I may ask?

[ReineD]

It's like, if I'm not aroused while wearing the clothing, then why wear it? I like feeling weak, small, helpless, etc. That' s what women's clothing does for me. I'm jealous of the people here who say they get no sexual kick out of doing this, just comfort.

You posted this thread asking others about their experiences. Not sure why some members are not sharing their own experience with the sexual aspect, but according to what I've read in this forum over the years, it does settle into feelings of comfort eventually, especially if you give yourself permission to dress. Quite a few people have said they resisted the urge to masturbate initially or if they couldn't, they resisted the urge to take everything off after orgasm. But, this requires having a block of time to dress, something that is difficult to obtain if you live at home or you room with other students at school.

I'm so glad you recognize that wanting to feel weak, small, helpless, etc is a sexual need (a lot of people are into BDSM) and not necessarily a gender identity issue. Because being a woman is most definitely NOT about feeling weak and submissive. That said, this is one of the best articles I have found, from a therapist, about accepting alternate sexual preferences:

http://www.therapywithcare.com/Article_Fetish.html

Also, when you do begin to look for a therapist, choose one carefully. Many of them have no more than Masters Degrees and if they have experience with "Transgender" issues they may assume that everyone who feels as you do is bound for transition eventually. There has been a blurring of the terms "transgender" and "transsexual" in the media in recent years and also among members of this very diverse community. You'll want to interview prospective therapists first to determine how much they truly understand about the wide spectrum of motives for desires to dress, from fetish (sexual or non-sexual), to having gender dysphoria.

If you want a head's up into what LGBTQ counselors are learning, here is a textbook available at Amazon: "Counseling LTBTQ Clients" by Kevin Alderson. There may be other textbooks out there, you can google them.

http://www.amazon.com/Counseling-LGBTI-Clients-Kevin-Alderson/dp/1412987180

The publishers have made the section on crossdressing available to the public:

https://us.sagepub.com/sites/default/files/upm-binaries/47510_ch_7.pdf

Last, please don't be put off by the term "fetish". It is seen as a negative term by many people because for a long time fetishes were considered mental disorders and this was reflected in the American Psychiatric Association (APA) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). But now the prevailing thought is that it is perfectly OK to have alternate sexual preferences as long as they do not have a negative impact on the Self or Others.

[NicoleScott]

I agree with Lori. I used to worry about myself, why I am aroused by crossdressing and certain items of women's wear. Once I accepted that that's just how I am, I really enjoyed it without the emotional pain that used to accompany it: guilt and shame, followed by purges. It's still a personal and private thing, with no need to publicly declare that I'm a CDer. Now I am able to compartmentalize my crossdressing. When the urge and the opportunity meet, I'm all in. After, I put it away and get on with my life as a guy, husband, father, sportsman, handyman, provider, etc. Until urge and opportunity meet again.
Where did that acceptance come from? For me, I was always interested in an academic sense (in addition to the physical, sexual sense, obviously) to crossdressing and fetishes that drive my crossdressing. So I read all I could find, and the one thing that I soon realized was that I was not alone. There are LOTS of us out there, which told me that I'm not a freak, and that we can live "otherwise" normal lives. Relax and enjoy.

[mikeyp]

You posted this thread asking others about their experiences. Not sure why some members are not sharing their own experience with the sexual aspect, but according to what I've read in this forum over the years, it does settle into feelings of comfort eventually, especially if you give yourself permission to dress. Quite a few people have said they resisted the urge to masturbate initially or if they couldn't, they resisted the urge to take everything off after orgasm. But, this requires having a block of time to dress, something that is difficult to obtain if you live at home or you room with other students at school.

I'm so glad you recognize that wanting to feel weak, small, helpless, etc is a sexual need (a lot of people are into BDSM) and not necessarily a gender identity issue. Because being a woman is most definitely NOT about feeling weak and submissive. That said, this is one of the best articles I have found, from a therapist, about accepting alternate sexual preferences:



I've also wondered what would happen if I just kept the clothes on for a couple of hours after I'm done, just to get comfortable and have less sexual urges. I've also theorized that maybe, somewhere deep inside my subconscious, I equate wanting to feel submissive and small to being a woman. I do have a block of time that I can devote to wearing for awhile, it just feels so uncomfortable doing it in my house with my mother and brother around. God, if they saw me, I would be so turned off. I'm actually out to both of them though lol. If I ever get my own place, I'll probably dress a lot of the time.

[Ninna]

Well, I thnk I can understand you a lot! My favorite femme clothes are hosiery, I really obsses with this item, when I was a little, I use to steal the pantyhose of my mom! the time pass and sometimes I cannot focus in other things, thinking in wear hose all the time, I really like all the things that make me feel girly, like makeup, clothes, even perfume, when I start to live alone, I decide to start my femme jounrey, and buy all the girl things that I want, the I start go to work with panties and hosiery hidden in my male outfit, and now I do all days, with the time this things start to became a normal things at you're life and you can focus in all the things without problems, maybe we have different crossdressers feelings, but I think its important that you realx and enjoy the panties and the heels!

[mikeyp]

I agree with Lori. I used to worry about myself, why I am aroused by crossdressing and certain items of women's wear. Once I accepted that that's just how I am, I really enjoyed it without the emotional pain that used to accompany it: guilt and shame, followed by purges. It's still a personal and private thing, with no need to publicly declare that I'm a CDer. Now I am able to compartmentalize my crossdressing. When the urge and the opportunity meet, I'm all in. After, I put it away and get on with my life as a guy, husband, father, sportsman, handyman, provider, etc. Until urge and opportunity meet again.
Where did that acceptance come from? For me, I was always interested in an academic sense (in addition to the physical, sexual sense, obviously) to crossdressing and fetishes that drive my crossdressing. So I read all I could find, and the one thing that I soon realized was that I was not alone. There are LOTS of us out there, which told me that I'm not a freak, and that we can live "otherwise" normal lives. Relax and enjoy.

I think another part of the reason why this is so compulsive for me is because my father always tried to raise me to be VERY masculine. He's an extremely masculine, cold, muslim guy. Every time I get these thoughts, I think of him shaking his head at me and never talking to me again. Another part of me also feels like nobody will ever actually indulge in my fantasy, at least not without money. A normal guy can at least abstain from masturbating in the hopes of getting a woman to have sex with him. I can't.

My fantasies don't really involve "seeing" myself in a female form though, moreso of me being an "invisible" character without a name, forced to partake in stereotypical hyper feminine activities, while also wearing some really ****ty clothing :). Basically, it involves a pretty woman literally stripping me of my masculinity. For me, I don't think it's so much that when I see a pretty woman I want to be her, but moreso that I want her to strip me of my manhood. The hotter the woman, the more intense the orgasm.

It actually is starting to make sense to me now why I loved being rejected by hot girls so much. The control they have is so sexy to me. Rejection is actually what triggered this desire inside of me. It's almost like, at some point in my life, an attractive woman made me feel like hell about myself and I internalized that anxiety into arousal. Of course, trying to rationalize this isn't helping my situation, and I wanted to become a psychologist someday :(

[Isabella Ross]

Mikey...if you read Eve's post, that's a mirror image of my situation, right down to the age when I started accepting myself, etc. The relief and the shedding of guilt and shame that gradually happened after that point was amazing. All I can really add is that, like many other older girls here, I bottled up the same feelings you're going through right now for two more decades. So I urge you to continue the path you're on...figure this out NOW instead of twenty years from now.

[Elli87]

yup I used to feel allot of guilt like that, but eventually It grows old and you grow out of it, I had the help of a gender therapist and lots and lots of research. There other ways that people get their kicks that make our little thing look very much like normal. I had these mantra/questions.

Does it feel good? yes
Is it hurting anybody? no
am I hurting myself ? no

Oh OK well i guess it's alright.

If your a very religious person "Abrahamic" Than as long as your not doing it for idol worship or to be illicit with a married person or someone other than your partner, gesundheit your doing all right.

that's the helpful stuff I can give you from my experience

[mikeyp]

Saw my therapist for the third time today. Honestly, she's really helping me accept this side of myself. Basically, she said that there are tons of men who like the same things I like, and they can still be men. Being submissive is no shameful, etc. She did say however that since compulsive masturbation occupies my life I need to force myself to get out of the house and socialize, being aroused all of the time isn't really ideal. We basically made a "budget" time for masturbation, where basically I'll dedicate 2 or so hours to femming up and fantasizing/jerking it.

Immediately after spilling my guts out to her, I felt A LOT less anxious, and as a result I experienced relief for quite awhile. So there is hope for me! Thanks for all of the responses, I know that this is gonna be a long battle with OCD and addictions for me, because if it isn't one addiction and obsession, it's the next. I know that this will last my whole lifetime, but I just need to get over the anxiety of the situation! Reading stuff online added SO much fuel to the fire honestly. I probably wouldn't have been half as obsessive as I am now if I hadn't read 324234 articles on my "condition".

Ideally, my comfort zone so far with this is to get home after a long day and jerk off, that's pretty much my comfort zone. Will it change over time? Who knows? Guess I'll just take it as it comes. Thanks guys. I've also noticed that I start obsessing over things(not just this) when I'm isolated, which I have been for pretty much 6 years.