Why you should tell your partner

[Kate T]

This thread is not about personal reasons for telling or not telling a partner that you are CD / TG / TS. It is intended as a philosophical discussion regarding the concept of telling or not telling.

It is my personal belief that one should always tell a partner if you are CD / TG (really, TS should be a no-brainer). A partner, once told, may take one of many paths. They may choose to no longer continue the relationship, they may choose to stay in the relationship but wish to have no further knowledge of CD / TG activities, they may choose to learn, accept and some even embrace their partners CD / TGism. For any given relationship any one of these choices can occur and may be the best choice for that relationship. The point is, the partner gets to CHOOSE. By not telling a partner, the partner is denied that choice. Fundamentally, one is denying the partner their freedom of choice. Philosophically I have a problem with anything that denies a partner, male or female, of their freedom of choice. Hence why I believe that telling a partner is always the right thing to do, irrespective of whether the result is "good" or "bad".

Alright, Go for it.

[Jenn A116]

I must agree with your premise. A person should always tell their partner about being CD/TG/TS. If you are at the serious point in your relationship where you are considering the other a "partner" then its time to really be a partner. That means sharing.

Yes, I understand that we harbor a deep fear that by sharing we will lose that person. If that happens, well I guess that person wasn't really a "partner". Being CD/TG/TS is an integral part of who we are. Its as much a part of us as being right or left handed, tall or short, blue-eyed or brown. Any of those things. Your partner deserves to know about all of you, not just select parts.

[Danitgirl1]

To my eternal regret, I did NOT tell my wife of my transness (?) when we met.
In my defense we met when I was in my very early 20s and I was going through a period of thinking crossdressing was a phase that I had outgrown... I had crossdressed in my early and mid teens but had stopped in my late teens... Indeed I did not dress for a very long time and from the time I met my wife until many years into our marriage I did not dress and nor did I feel the desire to do so. When the need returned I did not at first tell her, but I eventually realised I needed to do so. Naturally she wished she knew sooner and felt betrayed. I am not sure she really believes I felt 'cured' but that is the truth, so there was nothing to tell... Nonetheless in retrospect it would have been better to disclose all sooner.

[LucyNewport]

Adina - I could not agree more. Informing my spouse about so central a part of me was never a question. It actually did cost me a relationship or two when I was younger. Until I got together with my wife I was convinced that it would keep me single permanently! (Fortunately for me I was wrong.)

I've made plenty of other mistakes though...

[LydiaG]

I'm not here to judge anyone else's decisions/relationships but I have to agree. I'm very open, honest, and blunt in my relationships. I think it makes for a healthier relationship. That said I know it is easier said than done. My current relationship (1yr now) my gg girlfriend knew i crossdressed 4 months before we started dating, the first time we met in person I was wearing a french maids outfit at a party. The first time I dressed after we started dating, she actually begged me to wear her dress in front of her... So it was easy for me, I did meet her through the kink community, which I think is easier because people are more accepting and crossdressing is more common.

[pamela7]

I agree that philosophically telling one's SO is a good thing to do, for all the reasons outlined so far. I came out as soon as i realised myself.

And yet I can see situations where a CD'er might keep it secret. For example, if it is a private fetish and there's not enough sex in the relationship, then personal relief is a way of dealing with it. There will be CD'ers for whom this is equivalent to porn as a way of rebalancing sexual needs safely within married bounds.

[Ezekiel]

You should tell your partner right off because...

1 - It is a very important part of oneself.

2 - It is better to tell so you are not keeping it a secret, and thus, you gain the trust of your partner.

3 - It is better for both, because you will know if your partner is accepting or not. And honestly, who wants to chain oneself to a relationship for years only to discover later that you partner hates / does not accept / wants DADT of this condition of you.

If your partner does not react good, well, you know she (or he) wasn't for you, and both of you will be saved from a terrible situation of suffering.

[kimdl93]

One should avoid black and white thinking. In principle I agree that telling ones partner is preferable. I told my present wife before we were engaged, at least to the extent of my understanding at the time. But that was a situation unique to me and my partner. I can imagine all sorts of situations that would have undesirable outcomes for both parties and children, extended families, friends and business associates....financial and social reverberations that deserve thoughtful consideration.

Had I not come out, I would have risked discovery or accidental outing....probably an even worse situation. I will resist the temptation to project my uniquely positive experience on people's circumstances that I cannot ever know.

[SexyMarianne]

for me personally what would help is specific dating sites that cater to crossdressers and women who support them. that way everyone entering the relationship knows about everything in the beginning

[NicoleScott]

Adina, it was not a philosophical discussion about telling or not telling. It was only about telling. There are reasons for not telling. Pamela mentioned one - there are others. You made some good points and I respect your opinion, but you mischaracterized it.

[Judith96a]

So one should always tell ones partner, regardless of the potential consequences?
I can't agree.
In an ideal world telling ones partner would certainly be vastly preferable to not telling. The partner would then be free to make rational choices. In an ideal world!
We do not live in an ideal world. How many of us sufficiently understood our 'TG-ness' when we met our partner to be able to sufficiently articulate it? I would guess that it is the exception rather than the rule. How many of us were, have been etc, in denial or have had repeated purges thinking that we could eliminate / overcome or 'TG-ness'? Many I would guess. How many of our 'partners' sufficiently had any knowledge / understanding of anything TG related at any point at which we might have 'told' them (or might yet)? So, neither the 'teller' nor the 'told' is an entirely 'rational actor', ie possessing full understanding of all of the potential consequences of their actions.

Even in an ideal world, is it right, by the act of telling, to force ones partner to face, and therefore make, difficult and potentially painful choices? Because, once told, there is one choice that they cannot make - they cannot choose to not be told in the first place. (Some might characterise THAT as the ultimate in arrogance) Once a bell is rung it cannot be un-rung!

Sorry, your premise makes unstated and unsafe assumptions about both a potential "teller's" level of self-awareness and self-understanding and a potential "tellee's" ability to make rational choices in response to being told. It also fails to take into account that the act of telling, in and of itself, denies the "tellee's" freedom of choice. Therefore, the use of the word "always" is just not warranted.
Just because it worked for you, or was what you felt that you had to do, doesn't make it objectively "right".

In the end you're free to believe what you want (I've no illusions about changing your mind) but please be careful to whom you say it, and how. An assertion that you should always do 'X' is likely to sound exceedingly judgemental to those who have not yet done 'X'. There are some vulnerable folks on here, please be careful.

[sometimes_miss]

As a basic concept of telling someone something that you think they would probably want to know, I would normally agree. HOWEVER. Our girlfriends don't tell us everything about themselves either. We learn lots of things that many people would find unacceptable in a mate AFTER we get married. Yes, crossdressing turns out to be one of them. Being capable of, and more than willing to commit treachery and blackmail, which my ex was, turned out to be another. So we're not a perfect world. Further, to admit that I'm a crossdresser to every female that I want to become more serious with, will statistically result in my being alone, and being dumped for the rest of my entire life, as will virtually all other crossdressers. Finding an accepting and enthusiastic woman appears to be about the same chance as winning the lottery. Slim and none. Count how many members here who have spouses that are into crossdressing, willing to play along with their husband's behavior. Then consider the 3 million or so crossdressers who don't have anyone like that. That's what we face. And yet, our society says that we should tell all, and be alone. I can't accept that. Especially since they keep prostitution illegal, which basically says that there's no way I, no matter how good I am in every other way, must be alone, without a mate, for life. No thank you. That is not acceptable. I didn't do anything to deserve that, and just because humankind's genetic predispositions towards behavior hasn't caught up to our present social structure, doesn't mean that such a huge number of innocent men should be doomed to living alone for life. So I will stay in the closet, and date, and carefully find out whether the woman I'm with might be even remotely accepting about my 'condition'. If not, I will instead leave them, of find other ways to get them to leave me (it's not hard, all you have to do is become an irritable, unreliable, unhygenic, bad tempered, cheap, pr!ck, that usually does it. If not, just drink a lot and puke in their house a few times). Life isn't fair. It certainly hasn't been to me. And through my life, I've discovered that most women aren't all the kind, noble princesses that they claim to be, either. Today, girls grow up being told that they are entitled to be whatever they want, that a boy will fall in love with them and then they can get him to contractually obligate himself to financially support her for life, and he will never be allowed to have sex with anyone else, she and only she can decide if and when she wants to have children, and feminists see that as perfectly reasonable. So I will feel free to define what I think is reasonable from a man's point of view.
Addendum. One of Chris Rock's sketches revolves around the 'women want a guy to be honest with her', as women don't want to accidently wind up dating and falling for what they consider a 'loser'; yet, women know that men can be 'caught' by making themselves look like something that they, themselves are not, taller, nicer legs & butt by using heels, 'enhanced' breast size/shape with padding, implants, special bras, nicer hair (dye, straightening/curling), better complexion (makeup), flatter stomach ('foundation garments'), etc.. Each sex puts it's 'best foot forward' so to speak when doing the mating dance. It's always been that way, and always will. We all try to get the mate with the most qualities that we want, in return for what we have to offer, and pretty much all of us offer more than we actually have in one way or another. And GG's, when it comes down to crossdressers, what we're not telling you really isn't anything that means you're getting less of a man than you think you are, we've proven that by our behavior in the past and being responsible all of our life; if that isn't enough for you, then you're the ones with the problem, not us.

[TrishaTX]

I have been on both sides and to be honest I should have told. I kept it a secret for a few reasons, I thought it would go away, I thought my wife's love would cure it and of course I was ashamed. I went quite a long time not telling anyone and that kind of lying takes a huge toll. Once I released the secret, it felt 1000 times better. I agree with some posts, it is hard to tell and it could lead to you losing the person you love, that is why it better in the beginning to be honest.

I know broad strokes are not good, but it is a suggestion not a rule.

[bridget thronton]

I would not presume to tell someone what is best for them - but for me I think partners should not keep secrets from one another and I believe the happiness of each partner is important

[Sandra119]

I have been with my partner for over 30years she once discovered a pic of me on my iPad she has never forgive me I now have to hide all my clothes and dress when she is out
I can never tell her a I can't stop crossdressing

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Adina, It's much better to tell than have her find out on her own as that probably end well.:daydreaming:

[JennykBailey]

I told my wife very quickly when I felt I wanted to start crossdressing. I'm glad I did. We have been able to deal with the issues together, and although it has not always been easy, for either of us, we do talk about it often, which has helped us both. We both have little wobbles about it now and again, but we support each other which is priceless.

[Kate T]

Thankyou for your replies.

Nicole, perhaps I mischaracterised my post, yes, I did present only one side. I was hoping (as has happened) that others would better articulate the alternate view.

Pamela, the "sexual kink only" argument is certainly one I had considered and on the surface seems valid. Perhaps for some relationships it is valid. The principal problem I have with the argument is that, if it is purely a sexual kink and has no impact on the relationship then it should be irrelevant whether you tell your partner or not. However how do you know that your partner also feels it has no impact on your relationship if you do not tell them? It seems to me they are still being denied the chance to choose whether it is important to them or not.

Kim, I agree that in some situations revealing this knowledge could produce undesirable circumstances. Please bear in mind though I am talking specifically about telling a partner. If that partner then selfishly chose to tell others without the CD / TG's permission or consent then in my view the relationship has flaws of respect that are in and of themselves undesirable. Exposing those flaws and perhaps resolving them could be viewed as a desirable outcome.

Sometimesmiss, I'm sorry, and your argument is echoed often enough on these forums, but I'm afraid for me it holds little water. The old saying "two wrongs don't make a right" comes readily to mind. If we pursue such tit for tat exchanges of s/he did so why can't I then the extreme extension is that we can justify almost any action up to and including taking another persons life. I will not accept that as the right thing to do.

Judith, you make two very compelling and interesting arguments. Firstly the concept of the tellee and tellers level of self awareness and ability to make a rational choice. I agree, the CD / TG / TS cannot truly and reasonably be expected to tell their partner until the have achieved and acknowledged a level of self awareness of their nature. However I think that once the CD / TG / TS has achieved a level of self awareness and self understanding then they should tell their partner. The question then becomes what is a reasonable level of self awareness and self acceptance? Many TG / TS do not become self aware of these feelings until after their self awareness of identifying as CD's. I think that once a self acceptance of a non conventional gender identity occurs, whatever the type, then a partner should be informed. Similarly if this self awareness of gender identity changes, the partner should be informed of those changes as soon as possible. Your second argument, is it right to force someone to make a choice, I would argue against. Arguably the partner does not have to make a choice, DADT could be arguably viewed as a way of not having to make a difficult or painful choice. Also I struggle with the idea of denying knowledge based on a judgement by the individual that such knowledge would be detrimental or painful. Is it truly for the CD / TG to decide how their partner will view the knowledge and the choices?

Thank you again everyone for the replies.

[kimdl93]

I don't disagree with the premise, that honesty with a partner, even with the incumbent risks of exposing underlying issues, may ultimately lead to a better relationship, provided the partners are capable of working through their difficulties and disagreements in a constructive manner. What I've observed is that many couples are deficient in communications skills and so utterly rigid in their beliefs as to preclude and sustain reasonable discourse. That's a problem not unique to CDRs and their partners.

[Tina_gm]

1st and foremost, it is just the fair thing to do. If you are committed to a relationship, especially a lifetime commitment, they should have the right to know pretty much everything about you, as you have the right to know everything about them. Anecdotal things that happened in the past that basically have no repercussions on their life or yours, but just an experience albeit a bad or very embarrassing one is one thing. But a core part of a persons make up or identity should not be held secret. Those who tell early and the relationship or would be relationship ends does not end tragically. It just ends. But after many years, perhaps decades of a life together, that is a tragic ending.

It will seriously complicate and cause issues as well when told or found out about after such a long time. Most which are non existent when told early, unless the CDing changes and progresses to becoming more of a woman or living as one.

[Elli87]

on a selfish bent........The sooner you weed out the less, the sooner you won't have to settle for less. The other plus side to that is the obvious which is, not ending up in a cold torturesome marriage or on the receiving end of a really nasty divorce settlement.

yeah having too many secrets can kill ya, or so I've read somewhere

[StephanieH]

Without honesty and trust, you cannot have a meaningful relationship. It's actually very simple - hiding things means you don't trust your partner, and if you don't trust them, how can you expect them to trust you?

[Tina_gm]

So right Ellie. The sooner you tell, and find someone who is comfortable with it from the beginning, the more likely you will be able to live without so much sacrifice or making concessions. Anyone who waits years and years to disclose the CDing then complains about all of the lack of acceptance and difficulties and all, generally, those who do this pretty much do it to themselves.

[Elli87]

yup I've seen allot of "damn I wish I would have earlier" in the family section. You don't always gotta learn from your own mistakes you can figure it out from watching others sometimes

[Tina_gm]

For those who are single, or those in a new relationship, I would always ALWAYS advise to tell quite soon. It doesn't have to be before or during the very 1st date, but definitely if the dating is leading to a committed relationship. I made the mistake of not telling, and I bear the consequences of that. Even for those who are in a similar situation as I am, life generally is still better gender wise. I no longer fear her finding out, no longer go through such stress or guilt with my dressing, or the lack of as I now dress far more frequently than I did. in the 3 years before I told my wife, I totaled only a handful of times I dressed. Stressed and guilt with all of them. I now dress that much in a matter of a few weeks, and feel no stress or guilt when I do.

[grace7777]

In my opinion, disclosure is a good thing. Now one does not need to disclose it on a first date, but after a few dates one should disclose. Now telling someone about the desire to dress en femme could end the relationship, but better it end then, than get married and your partner find out on their own.

Personally, I would test their acceptance, by going out on multiple dates with me dressed en femme. If they cannot agree to that, then I know they are not for me. A lot better that a relationship end earlier than later. IMO, it is not worth sacrificing who you are so you can be in a relationship.

[kayegirl]

I agree with the notion that you should always be open and honest with your partner. But for me it was the other way around. Let Mr explain. I had known this lovely lady for just a few months, and we were taking a short break away from home. Driving along just chatting generally when from nowhere she says," Are you a cross dresser, because I think you are". Lord it was a good job that the road was quiet, still don't know how I avoided a crash!
Seriously, in many ways it was a huge relief, I had intended to tell her over the holiday, a although not sure how. Now, well I am sure that her as acceptance and support are central to our very happy marriage. As Mum used to say "honesty is the best policy".

[Pat]

I admit I was skimming, but it seems like we're in violent agreement here. Yes, you should tell. If you know you're not the only crossdresser in the world. If you know it's important to you. I've heard the "I thought it was a phase" / "I thought she would cure me" / "I thought I could give it up" before and I can't find fault with it on the surface. We probably all have things we've cast aside to have a successful relationship and since we don't educate people about crossdressers, they have no reason to think it's not something they can just stop. In that case, it seems defensible though unwise to not bring it up.

But we're only preaching to a choir here, right? This is Crossdressers.com. Where this needs to appear is in the "So you're thinking of getting married...." guide passed out in high school guidance offices or church rectories or told "on a very special episode of <some TV show>" (no pun.) Perhaps if we made a pamphlet and passed it out at The Rocky Horror Picture Show screenings? Philosophical discussions are all well and good, but shouldn't there be some actionable content that comes out of it all?

[sometimes_miss]

Sometimesmiss, I'm sorry, and your argument is echoed often enough on these forums, but I'm afraid for me it holds little water. The old saying "two wrongs don't make a right" comes readily to mind. If we pursue such tit for tat exchanges of s/he did so why can't I then the extreme extension is that we can justify almost any action up to and including taking another persons life. I will not accept that as the right thing to do.
I think you miss my point, or perhaps I wasn't clear. I tend to ramble on at times. Even the post you actually got to see was truncated from a much longer one that I edited down. Perhaps it would be said better, that our society has put those of us males who sort of straddle the gender line in a no win position, and that's unacceptable. When faced with all the supposed disappointment and anger that women bring down on us for not being what they want us to be, it just helps to see that those women aren't exactly perfect, either. It's not that 'two wrongs make a right'. It's that nobody's perfect, and we should all be a little more tolerant of the demons that our SO's have to struggle with, and that refers to how THEY should be more accepting of US as well. Just as women demand that men don't see them as just their bodies, we should insist that women don't see us just for this one part of what WE are, because once we are found out to be crossdressers, women automatically use that gender image altering trait as the single most defining thing about us. We might be marines, pro boxers, cops, doesn't matter. All of a sudden, we're 'no longer the man she married'. To which I have to say BULLSH!T, because we never changed. SHE changes how she thinks of us, and blames that on us, and that's certainly not fair.

[Marcelle]

Hi Adina,

My take on this has been and always will be . . . there is no one solution for everyone. For those who have confessed, come clean, spilt the beans and killed the elephant in the room, you did so for your own personal reasons and implying that those who do not are being dishonest seems a bit one sided as the world is not black and white. A lot of folks who water here have been carrying this around with them for years and others (like myself) developed it much later due to whatever triggers such things and some of those people have been in committed and loving relationships for years. Now, it is probable that these same folks may think "Okay, I like to dress in women's clothing but perhaps it is a passing fad". So they stumble about for years hoping it will pass and it doesn't. Now if these same people can do what they need to do and pack it away for another day and go back to being a loving, committed and caring partner with no knock on effects . . . what is the issue and why the need to tell. The implication is this . . . we are doing something wrong, perverted, criminal and what not so we must disclose. Does your partner have the right to know? It depends. Are you spending the family fortune on clothing? Are you sneaking around going on dates with others dressed? Have you become so emotionally crippled that you cannot function without dressing? Then in those cases perhaps it is time for the talk.

Now I told my wife when I reached a point where emotionally had nothing. I was becoming a miserable SOB and she needed to know . . . again . . . my choice. In the end it is not for us to wag our fingers at others based on the righteousness of our beliefs or what we think is right. Everyone needs to make their own decision based on their own circumstances which only they can truly appreciate.

Cheers

Isha

[Glenda58]

I told my wife before we got engaged so she could decide if she wanted leave or continue with the relationship. Well we got married but she doesn't like that I still dress and doesn't want to see it.

[BillieAnneJean]

You should tell unless you think that it is perfectly OK for her to keep secrets from YOU.

[Suzanne F]

I asked my wife about this recently. I agree that if it is just a sexual fetish maybe the SO doesn't need to know. I like Isha came clean late in life. My journey with my wife has been well documented here. Yes it has turned out well but it has been a difficult path. I don't want to judge anyone else's decision. However, if this is a big part of you I hate that you have to hide it. I know the feeling of if she really knew me she wouldn't love me. In my case it was worth the risk. I don't want to settle for an ok relationship based on a projection of myself that isn't really true. Again only you can make this decision. I am here to support you if you choose take the risk.
Suzanne

[Tina_gm]

We might be marines, pro boxers, cops, doesn't matter. All of a sudden, we're 'no longer the man she married'. To which I have to say BULLSH!T, because we never changed. SHE changes how she thinks of us, and blames that on us, and that's certainly not fair.
IF we do not disclose our CDing, then yes we do change. We changed how they think of us, and not by anything they do or did, it was on us. WE changed. Not to ourselves, but to them. WE gave them a false or incomplete presentation of who we are as a person.

Telling early on and a perspective partner says "nope, not going to go there, we're done." Well, we know right off that who we are, and our lifestyle is not going to be compatible with this person. No reason to try to change US or hide it. As it always backfires hard later on. Yes, we are going to find plenty of women who are going to have a reaction something like that.

For all the other women, who may not be particularly fond of the idea, but do not consider it a deal breaker just to date, then it becomes a mutual process of discovery in terms of what works with US and them. They do not have anything invested, they can try to see if it is something they can deal with or even enjoy. Maybe yes, maybe no, but again, no harm, no foul, no tragic breakup or ending. NO DIVORCE...With a clear mind to it all, without having to readjust, feel and experience all of the issues with trust, the forced change on them, they are then free to see us for all of who we are. Our options when we tell early are much more limited, but when we do find someone compatible with us and our lifestyle, we are free to live it without all of the problems, trust issues, guilt, hiding, the adjustments, the pain, the endless series of talks based on compromise, and having to understand. It is all done right in the beginning prior to commitment and a life shared together that when not told now will drastically change. Telling early and that change never occurs. It never has to.