guilty of cowardice?

[Allisa]

I went to visit my mother in the assisted living facility today dressed in my girl jeans(rust colored) and a black and blue striped 3/4 long sleeve, v neck top with my 1 1/4 wedge heel loafers, dangle hook earrings and necklace, finger rings and bangles. My face made up with just powder and very slight eye shadow with mascara and neutral lipstick plus my purse, and of course my hair styled as usual. Upon approaching her in the dinning room she just beamed and instantly introduced me to the other women sitting with her as her son Al, she never flinched at my look and the whole time we sat and talked waiting for lunch, never once asking about my attire, with the aides mulling about helping others with their needs and stopping to see if things were alright with us and offering me coffee and such as if I was just another caring adult child. Even though she has dementia and is 93 she accepted her son as he was, totally different from what she normally would see him dressed for her life up to this date. I felt that telling her I am a CDer was maybe cruel at this stage in her life with 3 daughters and now her son dressing as one, with all things given I know she would not remember after I left so how cowardly was I? I could have taken advantage of her disease and used it to ease my mind that I confessed my secret to her but maybe hurting her in some way at her age if this is something she might remember to the end. How did the guilt of CDing creep back in after I rid myself of it with my acceptance of who I am?

[NicoleScott]

My dad had dementia, and an important part of caring for him was to avoid confusion and stress. This is a time to do what's in your mother's best interest. Does telling her now really serve HER best interest, or yours? She was happy to see you. Why rock the boat?

[Marcelle]

Hi Allisa,

I think you are doing the right thing by letting your mom just accept you as her son. However dementia can be a tricky beast . . . does she have lucid moments or is her dementia advanced. The reason I ask is if she is prone to lucid moments and you show up as you were that day and she recognizes not only you but your dressing . . . you may have a bit of explaining to do.

Cheers

Isha

[Eryn]

You're presenting as female when you see you mother so there is little point in telling her that you are a CDer, is there?

The important point is that you are there for her.

[Maria 60]

I believe your doing the best thing for her, don't confuse things more for her then she already is. My dad had dementia and he had good days and bad ones. My mom is eighty plus and always thought about setting things straight with her but then told myself why not make her enjoy the rest of her life. I will tell her when we are both on the other side LOL. I think you are doing great.

[Allisa]

I know what you are saying Isha, but her short time memory is very lax 5 minutes if that, so maybe I can steer her away from such questions. Yes Eryn it does seem pointless but this is the first time she has seen me dressed more feminine. I guess I'm being selfish by not denying my dressing as I feel when seeing her, it seems such a small price. I have always been truthful to her and I find it hard to not be now.

[sometimes_miss]

I think it really depends on the situation. If she's ok with you and your crossdressing, then go ahead. It may simply be a result of 'Caitlyn effect'. Many millions of women follow the Kardasian clan, and if they see that family being ok with it, they will feel more comfortable with it themselves. Sometimes it surprises me at how many women look to celebrities for their life choices. Scares me, too.

[Robin414]

Wow, good topic for discussion Allisa! Given the circumstances and looking at the BIG picture I think it depends on what would provide the greater gain. Your mother obviously doesn't approve but given her dimentia it likely won't have any long (or even short term) negative impact on her, but coming to peace with yourself, that could have a much longer term positive impact (on you). My vote is you did the right thing but just IMHO.

[kimdl93]

I guess the question is whether making a statement will be of any value to your mom or not. I would think not. If she seems happy and pleased to see you and proud to introduce you, then that's all you can ask for.

[Rachelakld]

Not in your shoes, but dress the way you want, and let your mum love you like the son she loves.
Besides, son or daughter is being used as an affectionate way of saying "one of my babies" and that gender probably is not an issue to her, the same way I would love my kids even if they swapped gender.
Remember CD is just a label, and a very vague one at best, and even then she may not know what the label means.

That's my 2 cents - hope your mum has many more fun times with you.

[heatherdress]

Alisa - I am sorry that your mom has dementia and understand how difficult it is for you and your sisters. But it matters little how you are dressed when you visit her as long as it is a loving, meaningful visit. You should not feel guilt. You should realize that what is important is that you are showing her love and affection. You are there for her. She has little need of explanations about anything. She just needs you. It is touching that you admit guilt, but it is more touching that you love her and are there for her.

[Tracii G]

At least from across the room she recognizes who you are so thats a good thing.
I suppose she notices the clothes but the fact you are in them is immaterial she sees you as her son and thats lovely.

[Jazzy Jaz]

I think dressing to go see her was you telling her and the fact that she recognized you rather than thinking you were some woman and she was still proud to introduce you, to me that is acceptance.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Allisa, I'm sure that your:love:mom was just happy that you were there.:hugs:

[Allisa]

Thank-you everyone for your responses. It's just so hard to deal with this terrible disease when it is someone you love so much. The support group for this disease is great but the subject of CDing is not one they would understand like all of you and how the two would interact. Thank-you all again.

[Angela Marie]

I never told my mother but she was very understanding and open minded so I don't think it would have been an issue. When I dress its amazing how much I look like her.

[Rhonda Jean]

I've never understood why so many of us emphasize a verbalized "coming out" moment. It seems very unnecessary. I think it's far better to do exactly as you did. I see nothing wrong with that, and I think her reaction bolsters that.

I understand, too, your feeling of "why did I have to do that?" Several years back after my divorce I visited my dad and step mom with my new accepting girlfriend. I didn't go as far as you, but I did flat iron my hair and wore big hoop earrings. The hair was a non-issue, as he's seen me in all kinds of hairstyles since I was a kid. It was the earrings. Other than my step mom commenting, "Oh, look at those earrings" as I approached the door, nothing was said. Nothing was ever said (at least to me) about any of it. Ever since, though, I've just had a little nagging regret about doing it. It served absolutely no purpose. What my step mother thought is of no concern, as I'm pretty sure she's fine with it. It's my dad that bothers me. I hate that I ever put that picture in his head. It was selfish of me to do that, and totally unnecessary. I'll confess that when I did it felt awesome! I was on a high, having a new girlfriend who encouraged me to get out. After the high wore off I wished I hadn't done it. All this angst over a pair of earrings. It was just stupid. I may be the only one who's ever given it a second thought, but still.

What I get from your post is that you care about your mother and that she loves you! You didn't just wake up one day like this. I think it's likely that she's not at all surprised, especially since you've obviously been working on that gorgeous hair for a long time! Your angst aside, it's a heartwarming story.

[ReineD]

I think our priorities change as we age, especially past the 80s. We aren't caught up in all the social rules like we were when younger. A lot of older people simply don't get the world they now live in, and they accept that what they see is how their world has changed in ways that are inexplicable to them. You've seen older folks dress in outlandish outfits, the way that kids do? I don't think your mother had any thoughts of gender variance or "taboo". She likely took it that you were expressing current fashion for your age group and at her age, she is not connected to the meanings or messages of the styles that people choose to wear. To her, the meanings are not important. What is important is that you were there visiting her and she recognized you as her son.

Please don't rack yourself with guilt.

[Krististeph]

There is a lot of guilt when it comes to people with dementia. From a lot of sources. Not the least of which is survivor's guilt. I'm no psychologist, but I would think that your Mom seemed happy that you were still visiting. Don't discount the possibility that she might have known you crossdressed. I think My mom may have suspected, I know my siblings do, I never talked to them about it. I'm not "out", but nor am i necessarily "in hiding" either. It's not something I want to share with them, but if they really wanted to know, and asked, I'd tell them. You wanted to tell her, and you did. That's good. Did you talk about the crossdressing, or did she just integrate it?

There is nothing remotely "cruel" about it. It is life- we want to shield our kids (and loved ones of all generations) from things that upset them- but we can't, and probably should not try. There are exceptions, and i can see why you are asking yourself this question. the simple fact that you ARE asking yourself this question shows that you have reflected on the issue to a certain degree- and that investment of attention is proof that you are not being cruel (if you were a truly bad person you would not care). I hate the phrase "It's a process" (because it can be vague) but in this case it works for you by assuring your attention to the detail.

If I had more time with my mom (who would be 91 right now- i was a late baby), I don't think I'd tell her. I have the feeling she was too old school- too catholic. She loved me and I love her dearly, but this was just something outside their realm being able to grasp. Hey- how many us ourselves have a good grasp of gender dysphoria? Sounds like mom is more flexible and more modern, more willing to keep learning. After 6 kids, i think my mom, and dad, decided they knew all they cared to about families, and eschewed anything that didn't fit their model. This is little sad, but i hope that i have learned from this- being open to different dynamics. It's worked with my own family quite well.

I would say that the main thing is that you still love your mom, and she still loves you. If she is lucid enough, you can try talking to her about how she has dealt with all the changes through the years- with everything. Crossdressing does not have to be the one focal point or pivotal issue, it's just part of the whole thing- her life- your part as her son, and the CD part of you. I'm just glad she recognizes you still- and hey, styles change- and if one is not TG, maybe the issue of gender fades or blurs as one gets older, so maybe it less of an issue, or maybe she is more adaptable that you imagined. Would not be the first time a parent surprised their children.

Give her a hug from all of us, I for one, think she sounds pretty cool, like i remember my grandmother S.

[mechamoose]

Perhaps it is a distinction without a difference. Given her condition, it may be past the point where she can 'grok' what you are telling her. So I might not waste the energy on something she won't retain. Just be her loving child and do what you can to take care of her.

<3

- MM

[donnalee]

Having had to deal with a loved one with dementia for an extended period, I'd like to add this'
It is important to remember that however deep someone sinks into the disease, they are still the same person, with the same emotional needs and are still capable of responding as such up to the point they can't remember anything at all.
I'm sure your Mom was very happy to see you, whatever you wore; you are one of the core things in her memories.

[Pat]

So sorry to read of your mother's condition, Allisa. I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty either for presenting as you are or for not driving the point home with a conversation on it. Be happy your Mom recognizes you and take comfort that she loves you. It's at the point where minor things like gender presentation don't really count for anything. My Mom had dementia for years before she died and it was heartbreaking to see her try to bluff her way through a conversation when she clearly didn't know who I was but didn't want to admit it. I never felt bad that she didn't know me, it wasn't rejection, it was disease. I only felt bad about her discomfort. And I was incredibly fortunate because I have had friends whose parents turned hateful through dementia and I never had to experience that. So I'd say enjoy her in your life while you can, be prepared for the progression of the disease and remember she loves you and would want you to be forgiving and understanding of yourself.

[Krisi]

You were not cowardly at all. She does not need to know that you are a crossdresser, nothing good will come from you trying to explain this to her. She will probably not be around much longer and doesn't need any new conflict in her life.

If it were me, I would be going to visit her dressed as a male. This would be out of respect for her. You have the other twenty three hours of the day to dress how you like..

[Pat]

For me, if my sons came to visit me dressed up to meet my expectations I would be heartbroken that I failed to show them that they are unconditionally loved and that my happiness is directly connected to theirs. The most important final act for me is to see that they are settled into lives that suit them. How would it be respectful for them to show up in a three piece suit if that's not how they live?