Compartmentalization - How do you tear down your own walls?

[Sarah Doepner]

Hi, I'm Sarah, except when I'm Dave.

I tend to talk about my "other" self in the third person, refer to my "girl side" and my "guy side". I don't believe I really do behave a lot differently en femme than I do the rest of the time, but I've been told by several perceptive people that there are big differences. They extend from how I engage in conversation to how I move, there are multiple behaviors that I would have thought were the same, but must not be.

Unlike things I used to believe, I compartmentalize a lot more than I thought I did. As much as I push toward integrating all facets of my life into a single unified person, I'm not making the progress I'd like to. I know it's necessary to keep some things apart until I actually come out to others, but when that happens it would be interesting to have the only real difference be my appearance and choice of clothing. How have you been successful in breaking down the walls you have built between your male and female sides? Is it necessary or does it produce a muddle that doesn't feel right? What behaviors have been the easiest to blend? What have been your most difficult challenges?

[Allisa]

Opening up to people and being more friendly and happy was the hardest but once I accepted myself as who I am every thing just fell into place and both sides just naturally merged. I can't say what or exactly when that happened but once it did a whole new world opened up to me to embrace and the choice of clothing just went along as a way of expressing my new found freedom. Now what people encounter is my whole self as one, either male or female in presentation, although one "side" is more prevalent as to how I'm dressed and the situation. I hope this helped.

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

For me the biggest challenge has been to allow myself to express emotions no matter which gender I'm feeling. Even as a Gen Xer I was raised that men do not express emotion so openly, but I have no problems doing so when expressing my feminine side. As I progress I actually feel more whole, less of a split personality.

[SexyMarianne]

I think as time progresses and CDing is more accepted I think the easier it will get

[sometimes_miss]

First you have to accept that more than 95% of everything you do, you do the same whether we're male or female. Right now you're intentionally limiting your emulation of female behavior, feelings etc., to only times when you think they won't bother anyone, including yourself. Once you can accept that it's 'all you', and not seperate personalities, it will become easier. Another thing, is don't try to be something that you're not. There's a lot of discussion about actively trying to change the way we talk, the way we walk, the way we move, etc., all in the attempt to disguise who we are in an attempt to 'pass'. Unless you're one of the 1% who can pass, you're probably not going to fool anyone so just be a nice person, and let THAT be 'who you are'; it'll be much easier on yourself as well as everyone around you. People will accept that way better than someone who is a charicture of a woman (like drag queens are). In short, once you can accept that it's all you, you can move forward. Recognize that none of this is bad, none of it is 'your fault'; that's probably the biggest stumbling block we have, the guilt we feel about wanting to express anything feminine.

[Rachelakld]

I went the other way, as in.....
When younger, my girl side rarely communicated, except to watch my back in some situations.
As I've aged, I allowed my girl side more freedom, so no we co-share the body more.
I think in another 10 years, she will expect more time with my body, and may even want surgical alterations - but not if I have my way (I want male hormones - abs and muscles).

[Sarah Doepner]

First you have to accept that more than 95% of everything you do, you do the same whether we're male or female. Right now you're intentionally limiting your emulation of female behavior, feelings etc., to only times when you think they won't bother anyone, including yourself. Once you can accept that it's 'all you', and not seperate personalities, it will become easier. Another thing, is don't try to be something that you're not. There's a lot of discussion about actively trying to change the way we talk, the way we walk, the way we move, etc., all in the attempt to disguise who we are in an attempt to 'pass'. Unless you're one of the 1% who can pass, you're probably not going to fool anyone so just be a nice person, and let THAT be 'who you are'; it'll be much easier on yourself as well as everyone around you. People will accept that way better than someone who is a charicture of a woman (like drag queens are). In short, once you can accept that it's all you, you can move forward. Recognize that none of this is bad, none of it is 'your fault'; that's probably the biggest stumbling block we have, the guilt we feel about wanting to express anything feminine.

Lexi,

I do like the way you approach the issue and agree with your last statement that it's not anyone's fault and not bad, it's just what is. Indeed, I am the same person regardless of how I'm presenting however it seems I often feel more at ease and open when I'm Sarah. It's nothing I do intentionally, but I've had too many perceptive people tell me I'm more calm and engaged at those times verses when I'm being the guy. I do try to modify my walk and talk somewhat, partly I believe to better convince myself and pursue that calm center than it is to try and fool others. I'm definitely not trying to pass, just not behave or appear in ways that add one more challenge to whoever is around. Although things are changing in society, and changing at a rapid pace, it's still difficult enough for most people to deal with the concept of Transgender, without adding too much more with a mixed presentation.

So I guess the real challenge is to find ways to open the gates and allow those positive traits to show up more when I'm not wearing skirts and makeup. Maybe I already am and don't realize it. I wonder if the person others see, be it Sarah or Dave, gives them cues of what to expect and they prompt me just a little subtly changing my behavior. Or does that put too much on others, adding to the list of things I can be aware of but can't control?

[kimdl93]

I don't have two modes, but I'm sure that others might see things differently, depending on how I'm dressed. Perceptions that others have may be skewed a bit by the difference in appearance.

My thought is to just spend more time en femme, including time you traditionally have spent in male mode.

[carhill2mn]

I don't see it as "breaking down walls". I try to look and act appropriately for the manner in which I am presenting. However, I try not to go to extremes in either mode.

[Sarah Doepner]

I don't see it as "breaking down walls". I try to look and act appropriately for the manner in which I am presenting. However, I try not to go to extremes in either mode.

I don't believe I go to extremes, such as from Minnie Mouse voice and swish to Darth Vader rumble and swagger, but it seems I do try to look and behave age and situation appropriate depending on how I'm presenting. The issue I'm really trying to get at is the mental one, thinking of my male and female aspects as individuals rather than just me. Part of the problem is being behind a closet door and I understand that once I'm out some of my old concerns will go away. It's possible there will be new ones to take their place, but that's life and I'll deal with that when it comes.

[kimdl93]

Interesting. I don't feel that divide...my name is really Kim, so I don't even have to switch that. Maybe it makes it easier. Can you practice thinking of yourself as Sarah when in drab? When I must be in male mode, I think of it like a pair of coveralls that a woman might wear when doing a messy chore. It helps me get through the frustration I feel when obliged to present as male.