Post transition friendships

[becky77]

For those who have gone full-time, have you made new friendships with people that don't know, if so did you get to a point where you revealed your history?

Unexpectedly I've started getting friendly with a few other dog walkers, inevitably they chat about their children etc, I have the feeling a couple of those fledgling friendships could develop into a bit more (as in socialising together), one has already been in my house.

The last thing I want to do is out myself and risk being treated differently (assuming they don't already have an inkling), but if I get close I'm not comfortable with lying either.

Just wanted to know how others that have lived full-time dealt with this?

[kimdl93]

Can I respond as a nontransitioner? It seems to me that you're under no obligation to share any details. If you're accepted as you are...that's sufficient and appropriate.

[arbon]

I have not really had it come up. Where I live I just assume people know or will find out. But I don't tell people I am trans either. I have not really gotten close to anyone that did not already know, I don't think.

I have revealed a couple times to guys while trying to date which has been a depressing experience.

[STACY B]

Make them Love you first and see if there worthy of your personal Bizz !!

[Brooklyn]

You can never be sure what others think. A neighbor who was acquainted with the old me asked if I was married to (that guy). It’s hard to keep a straight face in those moments - I feel like either laughing or crying with joy. I assume that I'm clocked everywhere I go, but especially after FFS and vocal therapy, I sometimes pass.

How open you want to be is a personal choice, but those instances when people treat me just like any other woman are EXACTLY what I’ve wanted my whole life. Increasingly, I do not let them know.

[Jorja]

To answer the question, yes, I have both male and female cis friends for over 30 years that do not know my past. Why should they know? They did not know him. I am not going to sleep with them. They have met Jorja, what difference would it make if they knew my past. How is it important to our friendship?

[PretzelGirl]

I have made several friends since transition and I can tell from their comments they don't know. I just leave it be as that is a feeling I worked towards and wanted. I would not consider it lying as you are being yourself, which is the ultimate truth. I imagine over time, we won't think about whether we should tell some one and we will just meet them and enjoy their company without an additional thought.

[Frances]

Some know and some don't. I don't feel that I am lying by not telling. It's not always essential to the relationship.

[Badtranny]

I was just having conversation about this very subject with a lovely young trans woman tonight.

We were talking about how successful socialization can sometimes leave you with another secret. A different kind of closet if you will. My perspective on this has obviously changed as I mature in my transition and for some reason it isn't as easy for me as just not talking about it. At a job interview today, I was asked how I got into construction, since it's really kind of an unusual thing for a woman to do. Well, the last thing I wanted to do was tell him I used to be a dude, so I just responded with vague half truths. I have over 40 years as a man behind me so it tends to be difficult to just gloss over all of those experiences.

I don't want to deny who I am, but I don't want to advertise it either. Except when I do.

Hopefully I'll have Jorja's perspective someday. I think time makes all of this stuff easier.

[arbon]

When I was working the 2nd job earlier in the year at first no one knew, but it was really stressful waiting for those co workers to find out. It was a relief in a way when I knew I had been outed. This thread just reminded me of that. Its a tight rope.

[PaulaQ]

I've made a number of new cisgender friends, which is good, I guess, because a whole bunch of friends from my prior life don't seem to be hanging with me.

I reveal really early in the friendship that I'm trans - generally right up front. I don't expect I'll change this. The downside of this is that some people DO in fact not treat me the same after I reveal, assuming they haven't already found out before I start talking with them. (I'm a well known commodity in my neighborhood.) I won't try to pretend that some of the treatment I get when people find out doesn't just flat out suck. It does.

But it doesn't always happen - some people continue to treat me like they would everyone else. Those are the friends I keep - they are exceptional people. And not all of the treatment I get that is atypical is bad - I've talked to members of racial and sexual minorities about stuff they'd likely NEVER, EVER talk to another person about - at least not to a conservative looking white chick like me. I've met some amazing people, and gotten perspectives from them that I wouldn't have otherwise were I not out.

And by being out, and highly visible, I am able to help people.

Please don't misunderstand me. I have no issues, and would never criticize someone for being stealth, for simply wanting to be treated like anyone else. I understand why many of us choose this, and I respect those choices. I would be a liar if I said I didn't think about it sometimes myself. It is not lost on me that some of the most relaxing and pleasant times I have are when I'm with my boyfriend, in some place where we are anonymous, just a man and a woman together - like all the other men and women there.

Talking about this stuff all the time isn't always fun. Perhaps one day I'll move someplace where no one knows my history, and I'll not reveal my past even to my closest new friends.

In some ways, that approach would make a lot of sense for me. Most people who didn't know me before can't imagine me as anything other than a woman, and the pictures I show them and stories I tell them seem like stuff I'm making up. I've gotten that comment from quite a lot of people. It's a little weird - sometimes I feel like a woman with no past. Given my queer, activist, ultra-liberal, trans female present, my past as an (apparently) old, straight, conservative white dude is just really hard for new folks to imagine. They just don't see it. I may as well tell them I was in the witness protection program, or a secret agent for the CIA , or that I used to be Elvis Presley- they wouldn't believe that crap either.

So I'm in a weird place with this. I tell them I'm trans - and then when I try to tell them what I used to be like, they just sort of seem to shut down. (Well, the survivors of the "I'm trans" revelation anyway - of course many people don't get over the whole "I'm trans" part. The ones who don't get past "the trans" just behave badly in one of several ways, usually.)

I think for someone who transitioned young, this is an easier choice. At some point, when your life pre-transition is but a small fraction of your life, it almost doesn't make sense to mention it, anymore than it would to mention which clubs you belonged to in college. It's just not relevant.

Oddly enough, I reveal being trans so I can talk about situations with other trans people, or my own transition, to illustrate how we are treated. But sometimes it feels like I don't have a past, and that's a bit like finding myself in an episode of "the twilight zone." (In fact some of my new friends don't like for me to talk about my past - it makes them uncomfortable to hear me chime in "oh I've done that!" when they mention some stereotypically male thing.)

I have to say that I never, ever would've expected to have this problem. I expected to be outed constantly by my looks, my voice, all sorts of things. I expected my history to be unavoidable. I mean, these are problems for so many of us. I never expected my history to be unbelievable.

Thanks for this topic, it's really good.

Like a lot of things, pre-transition, it never occurred to me that many people don't want to hear the truth. Of course I guess that makes sense - I certainly never wanted to hear the truth either, and I had very little practice actually telling it. I guess it also makes sense from the standpoint of society. Our society seems to love to erase unpleasant truths. So many people would rather live comfortable lies.

(edit: Please, please, please, please don't take any comments I make about my feelings or situation or reactions to these matters as criticism of anyone else. Dealing with the past is one of the hardest things we struggle with, and I support whatever decision anyone makes on this matter. I'm doing what I believe and hope to be right for me. I make no assertions that it's right for any other trans person.)

[becky77]

I don't want to create some new back story, my biggest issue is my relationship.
I still live with my ex we have a very unique (not necessarily unique here) set up.

Since getting the puppy I've met a lot of new people, especially at dog training (btw that's been tough with my voice! "Frodo come", hate shouting!).

My ex and I live together, we are no longer in a sexual relationship but we are exceptionally close, more than just friends. We don't tell people our relationship just let people think what they want, Mother and Daughter is the norm (she is older than me) but she obviously hates that, so because we have the same surname still, she says we are cousins.

The two of us living together is no one's business, however if you get more chatty with someone there are always the same questions, kids, marriage, relationship status. I don't really care if someone thinks we are lesbians, but she is less fond of that than being my mother!

So we are cousins or friends but really at our age two single women living together is odd and its only a matter of time before someone feels close enough to dig further.

As a side note I was an engineer for ten years which led to my job as a Project manager, rather a masculine field. I looked after one of my colleagues jobs when he was on holiday and in a meeting met a guy that used to work for us when I was an engineer.
Thankfully he didn't have a clue but he asked me how I got into Projects (everyone knows everyone!), I just said I joined recently and hoped he didn't ask more, which he didn't thankfully, it's really awkward at times!

Problem is people do out you.
It was my Niece's 25 birthday on Saturday, nearly all her friends know about me, this one guy comes in that I met ages ago, he had no clue who I was so comes up to me says hello and gives me a kiss and has a little chat, he is flirty by nature.
Later he meets my ex, asks where I am then, I assume someone tells him because at the end of the evening he says good bye to everyone and walks past me like I don't exist.
A small example of how differently you are treated when someone finds out.

[PaulaQ]

Problem is people do out you.
It was my Niece's 25 birthday on Saturday, nearly all her friends know about me, this one guy comes in that I met ages ago, he had no clue who I was so comes up to me says hello and gives me a kiss and has a little chat, he is flirty by nature.
Later he meets my ex, asks where I am then, I assume someone tells him because at the end of the evening he says good bye to everyone and walks past me like I don't exist.
A small example of how differently you are treated when someone finds out.

This is why I am out. I'd rather take rejection up front, and not worry about "OMG, do they know?!?" Because I know that while it may be hard to find people who don't care that you are trans, they really are out there, and you can find them. I'd rather have a few people who love all of me than a bunch of people who's affection is contingent on my identity being acceptable to them. Again, though, this is a very hard call and is totally individual for each of us.

All I can really advise you to do is do what feels right for you. If you are out, you will take WAY more crap than if you are stealth. There is no question about this.

[PretzelGirl]

Wow, I just read my reply and looked at a Facebook post and really need to amend my thoughts. I do have a lot of people I don't tell. I know all on my Facebook page know because I post a lot of advocacy. What drew my attention to my misstatement is that a few hours after posting here, I posted a "Throwback Thursday" pic on Facebook of me with my tank crew in 1982. Not exactly who I am now, but I don't erase any of my past because there are a lot of good memories. So it may be better to say, those that I casually socialize with or work with don't get told up front. When we become closer, it will be there because of Facebook. I do get surprised by how many at work don't know and they give it away in their comments. I have a convention for my side business in two weeks. I certainly don't plan on bringing it up, so we will see how it goes.

[I Am Paula]

Since transition, I actually have a social life. Wow! Most of my friends know, some don't. It never comes up. Of course, my FB friends all know, cause it says 'trans pride' on the banner. I don't think about it much, and it's never really mattered.

[Kimberly Kael]

I was just having conversation about this very subject with a lovely young trans woman tonight.

Quite the coincidence, isn't it? It's like there's an actual community here or something! It was delightful to finally meet you in person, Melissa. I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation and love having more than just a static photo for reference when reading your posts.

Going stealth after transition used to be a matter of survival. If anyone knew then you wouldn't have friends, a job, a relationship, anything approximating a normal life. You cut ties with your past not because that was ideal but because it was your only path forward.

Now it's possible to have cis friends and family and be open about who you are. It is, in my opinion, a huge improvement. I try not to treat my transgender history as a huge secret but rather like the medical condition it is. Would anyone feel compelled to tell someone else they're diabetic? No. Would they hide the fact if it were relevant to a conversation? No. That's the level of disclosure I aim for.

A few weeks back there was a block party for everyone on our street. We met, we mingled, and I really enjoyed getting to know our neighbors. We already knew a few of them, had been over to their homes and so on, but now we've met everyone. They're a genuinely friendly and interesting crowd, and there wasn't a moment when I felt compelled to tell I anyone that I had previously suffered from gender dysphoria during the event. Nor do I feel like I'm keeping a big, important secret from them. I'm married to a woman so my queer flag is flying pretty visibly and that's enough to open the conversation should it turn that way naturally and become relevant.

[Badtranny]

A small example of how differently you are treated when someone finds out.

Yes.

A couple of Halloweens ago I was dressed as kind of a sexy witch and was flirting with a friend of my friends all night. He was just getting out of a relationship so we didn't smooch or anything, but we definitely did a lot of laughing and nudging. Well a few months later, I meet up with a few of these friends at a little bar and he is there. As me and another girl are chatting about the party, this guy walks up and sits right next to me and says "yeah Melissa had a hot costume going, showing some side boob" so we all laughed and I honestly thought that this whole crew knew about my transition. Anyway a few minutes later my friend who has apparently been discreet up until this point, said something alluding to my transition and this guy looks right at me and says, "hold up, Melissa is transgender?" I gulped and said yeah.

He immediately just stands up quietly and returns to his seat and his little group two tables over. Didn't say a word. It was weird to be dismissed so suddenly, and that dude hasn't said a word to me since.

I guess that was probably one of the least stressful situations that I've faced in my transition overall, but it definitely felt weird.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Here's the deal as i see it.

we are transsexuals..

people will treat us differently...there is no way around it... our experience is unshared by ciswomen and cismen....

because we are living authentic lives, we get to choose...we make the call, we make choices, and the chips fall..

this vulnerability is scary, we previously kept it ALL inside...nobody could hurt me, i was not real...

[Suzanne F]

I think being someone who transitions in place later in life has forced me into just being able to handle it up front. Everyone knew me as Brent for the most part. My AA companions, friends and family all know that I am Suzanne now. All of my present customers and fellow employes will know soon enough. I am not going to run and hide but rather embrace being trans. It will be different with new customers as I hopefully continue my career. Obviously I won't pass to everyone so I guess the question will be whether the issue is addressed. I like to think I am going to enjoy being a trans ambassador. I hope that this will contribute to a culture that will enable young people to address gender issues early in life so they don't spend a lifetime in shame as I did. If I contribute to this it will be worth any discomfort I face for my trans status.
Suzanne

[stefan37]

You will enjoy being a Trans ambassador until that time it will be a burden.

[Lorileah]

Nice...a burden. Thank goodness others didn't see moving forward as a burden. Women would still be stuck at home in heels and pearls.

Ideal scenario: Have surgery, heal up, start a new life as a woman and nobody knows. Not their circus so it should not matter. If it does and it comes up you have to decide if you lie or come clean. This isn't the CIA witless protection group. To me there is ONE person who NEEDS to know and would be whomever I establish a physical relationship with. Otherwise, don't put yourself in a position. That doesn't mean BTW you need to quit advocating. There are lots of friends of....who advocate.

Reality. I will be "made" frequently or "Outed" by others frequently. No delusions. Thus, I will own being who I am when I need to. The ladies at the garden club...not so much. People you party on the pontoon boat...if you don't tell someone will. Your choice. Control the situation or let someone else drive the bus. In as much as a relationship, they need to know but they don't need to know until the likelihood of intimacy is high. There should be no surprises of that manner in bed...it can lead to things you don't want. Right now I was frequenting a mixed gay/straight bar. When you hang with TGs you are pegged as TG. In the future I hope to hang out at places that TGs aren't common...thus the neon sign should dim a bit. But it will always be there even after the tubes burn out

[DebbieL]

At first I just assumed that everybody always knew. If they had questions, they could ask. When I went to full time and after the legal name and gender change, there a few people who knew me, but realized that I passed better as a nice old lady than I did as an older man.

The ones that are the most fun is when Lee and I are spending time with someone for several hours and they never knew me as Rex. Eventually they will ask "How long have you been married? When we tell them we were married in 2006, Lee usually explains "We were man and wife for 6 years and wife and wife for 3". It's fun to see their reaction because they often had no idea I wasn't born a girl. One time they looked at Lee and asked "when did you transition", I almost fell out of my chair.

[ErikaS]

For me I think some one needs to be the trans ambassador I want to help my fellow Soldiers who are struggling with this GD thing. I am willing to do what it takes to be me and be happy. If I have to help educate the Army on transgender then so be it.

Erika

[Frances]

You will enjoy being a Trans ambassador until that time it will be a burden.

Time and time again, I have seen people proclaim wanting to trans ambassador in the beginning of the process and then regret big time having done so later on. I suspect a lot do it in fear of people using their transness to hurt them. They say it's to help others or the cause, but humans are selfish. It's really something to think about before jumping into it, whether it's talking to a reporter, new co-workers or whatever. There are professional trans people, like Jenny Boylan and Donna Rose, and they are doing a great job at it. But new "trans ambassadors" should really examen their motivations before exposing themselves.

[becky77]

No disrespect to anyone but I just want a normal boring life, I'm well aware being trans will always be there to pop up now and then and some people will work it out themselves.

But I'd rather they wasn't sure, than they knew for sure.

I don't have the confidence to be any kind of trans ambassador, I have too much history to truly go stealth, that doesn't mean I want to be out in the open either.
I get on well with other women, I don't generally get on with other trans people, I have found once you have talked the trans thing to death you have nothing in common, my life is very simple and that works for me.

All I wanted was an end to the GD suffering, immersion in the community makes me feel at odds with myself, this is the only place I communicate with other TS/trans people and that's because I find there is a good group of thinkers on here, I find myself coming back to see who said what about some very interesting subjects or points of view.

I applaud those who go out there and campaign for rights or help others of the community, but that just isn't me, sorry.

[arbon]

For me I think some one needs to be the trans ambassador I want to help my fellow Soldiers who are struggling with this GD thing. I am willing to do what it takes to be me and be happy. If I have to help educate the Army on transgender then so be it.


All of us are going to be ambassadors / educators / path makers for others to some degree or other just by transitioning and living our lives. That can be hard enough. You don't always have to do more.
There was soldier who was a out trans military activist who killed herself a few months ago. A lot to carry.
Anyway you have some time as you move down that road to think it all thru.

[Angela Campbell]

I don't really worry about it much, I don't go around telling everyone, but if someone knows or asks I won't deny it either. I just smile, and wink as if it is something we both know now.

I have cis folk who know, and quite a few who don't. Not much difference in the way they are around me.

[PaulaQ]

You will enjoy being a Trans ambassador until that time it will be a burden.

Who says it isn't a burden now? I've never said that it wasn't. It exerts a terrible toll on every single person I've watched do this, including me. I have no illusions about that - the trans men and women who've gone before me locally are generally burned out, have massively neglected self-care, get dumped by some of the big LGBT groups as a political liability. My predecessors are generally a freaking mess. I've spent time counseling one of them who's just a train wreck. The irony of this is quite apparent to me, as is the cautionary tale.

I do what I do for several reasons:
1. It serves some purpose. I've helped quite a lot of people at this point.
2. I believe visibility helps all of us, although it is an insufficient reason for me to do this.
3. For whatever reason, I am able to be public about this in a way that many other trans people I know are afraid to experience. I can do it.
4. I feel an obligation to do it, at least now.
5. I spent my whole life in the closet. The idea of staying in one bothers me.

My goal in trying to help is to end up less screwed up than my predecessors. I have no illusions of making a career out of this. The party will end, I'll either burn out, or become a liability and get ditched, or both. I have a very clear understanding of how that happens. (Hey, I may return after my GRS next week to discover they don't want me back - such is the nature of non-profits.)

What I do is actually exceedingly stressful, and sometimes rather unpleasant. I am exhausted most of the time. I have no outside hobbies or interests to speak of. And the great part is that because just about every single problem I deal with is beyond me, there is no question that I'm going to fail. Sometimes spectacularly. Hopefully not fatally for anyone. I am not an especially competent or talented person. I am a computer programmer trying to help other people out of sometimes awful situations, and to speak to cis people who'll listen to me. There is absolutely nothing about my past, my training, or the skills I've developed over my life to prepare me for any of this. In fact, I've spent a bunch of my life avoiding it. And yet, here I am.

At some point, when I can no longer serve a purpose for others by being public, I expect my boyfriend and I will pack up our shit, and get the hell out of Texas. This state sucks. I hate it. I've always hated it. I hate the weather, I hate the mindset of many of the people here. I may very well decide to live as anonymously as I can. I may not though - I may hate the BS I take from cisgender folks, but I hate the feeling of withholding the truth about myself even more. Who knows how that will change in the future.

Please don't think I expect many other people to do this, be an activist. I don't expect anyone to do it. I think you have to be insane to do what some of us do. I have no issue with people who choose to be stealth, or at least greatly limit their disclosure. I know why they do it - it's WAY easier, for the most part.

[Suzanne F]

Since I have been transitioning for almost a year and a half I probably have encountered some burdens. I agree that I may need to experience more before stepping fully into the activist role. However I know what I intend to do at this point. No judgement if people are able to just go ahead with thier life privately . I have kids and a wife and a public job I intend to keep. Given this environment I don't see any possibility to not be faced with a public transition.
On that note I am having dinner with my hero, Theresa Sparks this Evening. She is the head of the Human Rights Commission for San Francisco I am indebted to her for her public transition!

[PretzelGirl]

All of us are going to be ambassadors / educators / path makers for others to some degree or other just by transitioning and living our lives. That can be hard enough. You don't always have to do more.

This! I have a high visibility at work. I can easily hope that I normalized this for many people instead of it being "the person down the road that they never meet". They know me and work with me and now they see it isn't a big deal. And that will be the same for Becky and for Suzanne and has been for Kaitlyn and Angela I would think.

For me, I sometimes wonder if my ability to transition while still embracing my past as being good (not as an identity but as a life) allows me to be open because the tie to my past is just fine with me. I feel authentic now and I can see all the differences in my life because of this wonderful thing they call transition. But I really don't care if others know. I may not tell them up front, but I am okay if they learn. Because of that, I choose a path other than just normalizing as a woman and moving on as I am fine. If it doesn't work, then maybe will think about a retirement village instead of retiring in place. :D

[Jorja]

If you have not ever tried to live stealth, I am here to tell you it is not an easier life. It is a hell of a lot of work! You are always looking over your shoulder and covering your ass. Dreaming up new lies and excuses then trying to remember who you told what. Think of a fugitive on the run. I tried that for a few years. I don't know many that were ever able to live that way very long.

For quite a few years now, I have just tried to live my life. If a situation requires me to out myself, I do. To most of the people around me, I am just that crazy blond architect chick that is willing to help anyone and everyone that needs some help. Believe it or not I have gotten quite a few dates because I can weld and am a mechanical wiz. I can't tell you how many farmers stop by needing something welded on their farm equipment or they can't get their combine started. It usually pays off too. It is nice to wake up on a cold winter morning and find your 1/4 mile driveway all plowed out. The majority of the women in the area are always stopping by to visit or I am going past their house and stop in for a while. I do nothing special. No parlor tricks. I just be myself. That is what it is all about. Try it.

[Angela Campbell]

For the first year of full time, I worked for a company where everyone knew. No big deal, no different treatment compared to before I transitioned.
0
Now I work elsewhere and no one knows. Better for me, but in reality not much different, just how I feel about it.

[Badtranny]

I think being someone who transitions in place later in life has forced me into just being able to handle it up front. Everyone knew me as Brent for the most part. My AA companions, friends and family all know that I am Suzanne now. All of my present customers and fellow employes will know soon enough. I am not going to run and hide but rather embrace being trans. It will be different with new customers as I hopefully continue my career. Obviously I won't pass to everyone so I guess the question will be whether the issue is addressed. I like to think I am going to enjoy being a trans ambassador. I hope that this will contribute to a culture that will enable young people to address gender issues early in life so they don't spend a lifetime in shame as I did. If I contribute to this it will be worth any discomfort I face for my trans status.
Suzanne

I think I could have written this exact post 2 years ago. In fact, I bet one could find something very similar from me in the archives.

My sincere hope is that you can keep this feeling. That all of the new girls can stay above the fray. I know I stand on the shoulders of giants, and as the new girls climb up, I truly hope my generation of sisters has helped to make it a tiny bit easier.

[Frances]

You did Melissa. We even had some arguments about it. It's not about hiding; it's about giving oneself the chance to live on one's terms.

[Marcelle]

Not that I have a large dog in this fight as I am not transitioning but I do have an understanding of how this affects me in my current situation . . . so please don't take offence.

I really don't have the ability to hide as people in my life and at work see me as both a man and woman. When I came out in the military it went quickly in my circle (the Canadian military is small in comparison to the US military). Within a week of release to my Branch it was wide spread and right up to the Chief of Defence Staff (akin to the US Joint Chiefs). I have an upcoming working group at a major training base and quite a few people on that board have known me as a man (I went through training with many of them) and I was contacted last week by the commander of the school (another close friend) who wanted to know if I required any special accommodation if I was planning attend the working group as a woman not a man. I am planning on doing so, but I had never informed him or the base training staff but they knew so I informed them I would be and no special accommodation is required. So I cannot hide only embrace unfortunately . . . not complaining before anyone assumes that . . . merely pointing out I made a choice when I went down this gender fluid pathway and it has cost me some good friends but I have made others.

Cheers

Isha

[arbon]

Isha - it blows me away that you manage as you do, in a millitary environment no less. i just can't imagine doing what you do. Your pretty freaking brave. There should be a reality show on you.

[stefan37]

Figuring out your identity and making the decision to transition. While difficult and confusing us actually the easy part. It's all the external stuff that makes it difficult.
It's very euphoric when first coming out and it's do liberating you need to scream to anybody that can hear. "In transitioning". Yay me. But that again is the easy part. Who are you? What is your ultimate goal? Do you want to live in trannyland or do you want to integrate into society as female. That's hard, damn hard. I don't have any answers. Some feel they need to disclose to all they meet they are Trans. Others go to great lengths to hide it. Finding your balance is what is hard.

It depends on the company you are with. Certainly if you are going to be intimate with somebody. They have a right to know. If they are going to be friends they will either figure it out or you will disclose. Casual encounters have no reason to know.

I said at the beginning of my transition I'm not trading one closet for another. I meant that I hid my identity and now that I let it free, I wasn't going to get stuck in trannyland. I never even gave it a thought that integrating as female could introduce a different closet.

Stealth for me at my age will never happen where I live. I am transitioning in place. I am outgoing and have no penmen meeting people. It can get tricky disclosing information. I don't volunteer, nor do I deny who I am. I joined my Sailing club as Stephanie. I've only disclosed to one member I've gotten close that I am Trans. The other member knows my brother and he outed me to her. Not intentionally but pronouns don't come easy to those that have known you a long time. I'm sure the other members have a clue, as I have been misgendered, but none have asked. They have met my ex as my friend and roommate. Not lies, but truth.

This thread is a perfect scenario sent I'm having more difficulty in my second year full-time than the first. I can predict that my third year will be just as difficult. That is unless I don't care about integrating and just live my life as a tranny.

[Jorja]

This thread is a perfect scenario sent I'm having more difficulty in my second year full-time than the first. I can predict that my third year will be just as difficult. That is unless I don't care about integrating and just live my life as a tranny.

You say you are having more difficulty in your second year full-time than the first. What type of difficulty? What is giving you the most trouble?

[becky77]

You get those days where for some reason it seems people are staring at you, normally no one pays me any attention.
Or days where your voice is just all wrong and the male vocal is so obvious, on those days I tell myself "So what, if people think I am trans so be it, I have nothing to be ashamed about",
yet I know the words are a lie to make me feel better, I don't want to be trans and if possible I would erase all evidence of it and run as far away as I could.

As Sue said everyone at work knows, hundreds of people and I can do nothing about that except hopefully show that we are nothing to be scared of, that it's no big deal.

Despite that I can't tell you how many times people ask me about other trans stuff, media types like Caitlyn and say, yeah but your not like that. I argue that I'm just the same, but it seems despite my obvious transition people still only see the outside. Apparently I look pretty convincing and because of that I have been accepted easier. It's sad but it really does come down to looks, hence why I am such an advocate of FFS.
It's ironic but some very open people will address me as she, while still talking about another TS as he, I correct them but they just can't see past the look of someone.

Perception is everything, no one can see into your soul.

[Foxglove]

If you have not ever tried to live stealth, I am here to tell you it is not an easier life. It is a hell of a lot of work! You are always looking over your shoulder and covering your ass. Dreaming up new lies and excuses then trying to remember who you told what. Think of a fugitive on the run. I tried that for a few years. I don't know many that were ever able to live that way very long.

For quite a few years now, I have just tried to live my life. If a situation requires me to out myself, I do.

This is the way I look at it. My situation is that I live in a very (very) small town. When I came out, I announced it to just about everyone I knew personally, since there was no way I was going to be able to hide it from anyone. I figured it would be better to be upfront about it and see what would happen. I got lucky: nobody who knows me personally has ever turned their back on me or hassled me in any way.

Now I assumed that once a certain number of people in town knew "my secret", absolutely everybody would: small-town gossip, you know. I subsequently found out I was mistaken about that. There are people who don't actually know. Why word has never got round to them, I don't know, but that's the way it is. It leaves me in the odd situation of not knowing who knows and who doesn't.

The upshot is that I don't try to hide my status, but I don't go around trumpeting it, either. I have in fact made some new friends (all of them women) since I came out, and it appears to me that most (if not all) of them didn't know at the start that I'm trans. I work on a need-to-know basis. If they're casual acquaintances, there's no need to say anything, so I don't.

But as Jorja has indicated, if you're becoming close friends, things can get awkward. Good friends do talk about their past, and if you want to be stealth, you have to decide what you want to say and what you don't want to say, and then try and remember it all and stick with it. That can be a headache. I also found myself feeling a bit dishonest in a way.

E.g., with two particular women, the talk would on occasion turn to LGBT matters, especially a few months ago when a nationwide referendum on same-sex marriage was coming up. I felt like a spy, eavesdropping on a conversation when they had no idea that I was LGBT myself. I felt like I was being a bit unfair to them. Maybe I didn't need to feel that way, but I did. They're two women I like a lot, and I felt the need to be out in the open. They never said anything bad at all about LGBT people, and I didn't expect them to, but I still didn't feel right. If they were a couple of people I didn't much like, I'd let them say what they wanted and decide what I thought about that. Eventually I came out to them and got the reaction I was expecting: "It's OK, we love you just the way you are." And both of them gave me a hug.

Another friend who's a former nurse and has seen just about everything there is to see simply said, "It's OK. I take people as they come. I look at their heart, and that's all that matters to me."

So my point of view is that it's simply a judgement call on a case-by-case basis. If you have good reason to come out to someone, consider doing it. If you don't have good reason to, I don't think you're under any obligation to.

[PaulaQ]

Do you want to live in trannyland or do you want to integrate into society as female.

I think if I ever write a book - I'll title it "Trannyland."

One of the things I've come to realize is that it used to really bother me that people viewed transgender persons as, at best second class citizens, and at worst as sub-human. We are sometimes viewed as so different and unrelatable that many people refuse to view us as human beings, like them.

After looking at our society, though, I've begun to conclude that this no longer bothers me as much. After looking at how the world is run, I don't really want to be like most people. The discrimination we face is an enormous problem though - that aspect of it really sucks.

I realize it probably doesn't sound like it - but I do have a fair number of friends who aren't trans. They know about me, and seem to be accepting of me. One of the things I've found interesting about this is that I frequently hear stories from them that I wouldn't otherwise hear if they didn't know that I was trans. I've had some interesting talks about race relations. I've had several people come out to me as bisexual. I don't generally come out about that so often - it's more of an open secret, handled much like some here describe the way they often don't talk about being trans. I think my openness about who I am makes some people more willing to be open with me about themselves.

That openness and honesty feels like a perk anyway.