Taking it off... It hurts.

[Abby Kae]

I'm new to all of this. I don't own any clothes for Abby, or have my own makeup. I don't own a wig, or breast forms. All I have is this deep-seated need.

Today, I shaved my facial hair completely off, for the second time since it started growing in almost 20 years ago.

With my wife's permission, I used her concealer, foundation, blush, lipstick, eyeshadow, mascara, eye liner. It was incredible. It felt like I was finally seeing myself for the first time since before puberty. I even took a picture, and had a smile. A genuine smile.

And then I had to take it off. My children were waking up from their naps, so daddy had to come back.

I don't know how to describe what I felt as I destroyed the reflection of me in the mirror and put my mask back on. A mask, made not with makeup, but with lies. I killed Abby with soap and water and went back to lying about who I really am.

It hurts. I don't like it.

[Dana44]

Abby, yeah I know it hurts. Been that way for most of my life. Only now, I can go fem and enjoy. When I raised my children, I had to be a solid male. I'm an Androgynous person, and sometimes would wake up female and dress in male clothes for years. Yeah it hurts.

[CynthiaD]

I know how you feel. After taking off my makeup and wig, I usually can't bear to look at myself in the mirror. I often turn off the lights and get ready for bed in the dark so I won't have to see myself.

[Melanie 0339]

Abby I feel for you sweetie I felt the same when I applied make up for the first time a few days ago even though my makeup wasn't of a particular great standard it was like seeing the real me for the first time. Hugs xxx

[Jazzy Jaz]

If you killed Abby then guess what, shes immortal because shes still alive. Im sure she will always live inside of you. It might be beneficial to choose to stay clean shaven now which would provide many more oppertunities to play with makeup. Also, I'll just throw this out there, you and your wife could discuss the option of telling your children. Kids are generally much more accepting when they're young and if they find out later they may or may not be as accepting. A risk is that you may not be able to keep them from telling others. Just thought I'd state the option. Anyhoo, good luck!

[kimdl93]

Nobody died. The reflected image can be easily recreated.

But, I need to amend my comment. I've been doing this thing for a good long while now and every occasion when I'm obliged to switch into male mode, I feel a sense of regret and every hour when I must spend dressed as a man has a background feeling of discomfort.

Seeing potential, as you did, is a mind opening experience. I hope you and your wife are willing to explore this together.

[Heidi Stevens]

Heck Abby, just removing the beard is gonna mess your kids up! Help them if a bare faced daddy is a little spooky. Then remember, Abby is not gone. She's always been there and can come back when you want her to. Have fun and thank your wife for being so understanding.

[Abby Kae]

Thanks for the kind words. Sorry for being melodramatic.

It was/is a very emotional experience, and I just had to get it out before I could bottle it up.

My kids took a second look at my bare face, and my 4 year old told me I was very pretty. (Without makeup.) My 2 year old didn't seem to have an opinion.

My wife has been thanked profusely.

I'm feeling a little better now. :)

[chris63]

I hate it too . It's exhausting trying to lead a double life.

[Amy Fakley]

Hey, take it easy now. The great thing about being a crossdresser ... there is literally always next time :-)

[Alice_2014_B]

Like Aby said, "there's always next time."
I too hate having to take everything off.
:)

[Glendy]

I know how you feel, I kind of feel that way when ever I have to take every of and go back to my male mode. What makes me feel better is that I get to dress up again only regret it that I can't do it as often as I would like to my SO knows about it but doesn't like to see me dressed up to often.

[flatlander_48]

A K:

You do what you have to do. You have small children and a wife. You have to find a compromise that keeps all of the balls in the air. It sounds like you have, but you're not happy about the result.

DeeAnn

[Jaylyn]

I've felt similar but I now know that I can always look forward to the next time with anticipation. It can build and simmer till the time comes then it's just as good as the first. I actually am getting better at it and am enjoying the time spent dressed more and more. I believe if I had to dress every day it might get old, but the actual looking forward to dressing is also exciting. The planning is and the imagining what I want to do is even more exciting. I've never felt I was lying about my self being who I am. I enjoy my life in both worlds.

[Robin414]

OMG I feel it Abby but as many have said nobody died, it's OK just gives you something to look forward to again right!

[Tracii G]

You aren't lying about who you are at all.You are you no matter how you are dressed.

[Abby Kae]

My wife raised an interesting view today. About how I'm usually an all or nothing person. I'm never satisfied with half measures.

So it makes sense that only going part of the way, then having to step backwards, would be tough for me.

I need to learn to focus on the positive experiences. Like how I felt with a feminine face. I need to learn to enjoy the journey, as well as the destination.

I'm looking forward to the next opportunity. Hopefully it won't be so hard when it comes time to return to drab. I'm still a work in progress, and the supportive people here are just wonderful. Thank you all.

[Katya@]

Hi Abby Kae. Both my daughters (2.5 and 7) "met" Katya twice this past 10 days for the first time wearing skirts and girls tank shirt and had no issues with that. I actually don't feel need to wear makeup to feel comfortable as I used to some number of years ago. So it wasn't that hard for kids to adjust. Maybe baby steps would help?

[OCCarly]

Thank you for sharing that. I've been a "neck down" dresser so far, but I am lucky enough to have the run of the house at all times, since I am out to my wife and we do not have children. A few times I forgot that I was dressed, turned the corner into the bathroom and startled myself catching a momentary glimpse of the woman in the mirror, simply from the effect of wearing shorts and a cute top.

In the near future I will be shopping for a wig and makeup, and spending some time learning how to use the makeup. I already know that seeing Carly in the mirror for the first time is going to be a very special experience, something I have been waiting my entire life for.

[Suzanne F]

Abby
I remember my first time seeing myself when my wife helped me become Suzanne the first time. I was so touched it was so emotional! I then began dressing and then going out. Soon it was apparent that I hated returning to my male version. That was the turning point. My wife and my children have embarked on a wonderful and difficult journey with me. Yes it seemed the whole world would surely end if I were to say I am a woman! Well the world is still here and we are ok. I wouldn't ever consider turning back. I am not suing this is your path. I am saying it is possible to find one that works. Here is a picture of us at Christmas!

[Fi-Fi LeFemme]

I really feel for you! X
When I dress, the make-up is an integral part of helping me become who I prefer to be. On the few occasions where I've dressed but without make-up (due to time constraints), I've felt as though I've cheated on myself.

[Marcelle]

Hi Abby,

IMOH, it is not an uncommon feeling for many of us when we first explore this side of us beyond the confines of . . . "I wonder I would look like with make-up". I am going to go out on a limb here and guess this is probably the first time that you have seen yourself with make-up? If so, then you have caught a glimpse of Abby which you have never seen before and have given reality/substance to wonder/dream. As many have indicated decompiling afterwards can be emotionally draining but the good news is that Abby is not truly gone, just dormant until you have a chance to dress again. The struggle now will be to find balance with your life/family and your desire to capture that feeling/joy again. If that is your desire, then a candid conversation with your wife on how best to manage this within mutually agreed upon boundaries is probably a good place to start. The one constant theme I find in a lot of threads is that once you start down the dressing pathway it becomes intoxicating and to try and push it down, suppress or whatnot without some outlet can cause emotional distress for some which has the potential to bleed out into relationships.

Cheers

Isha

[Alice K]

Abby,
What a wonderful moment of self-exploration and with someone who will share it with you, like your wife. You are truly blessed and I hope the exploration continues and you both grow from it.
May I suggest Abby didn't go anywhere. She has always been with you and in so many ways you will be able to allow her to express herself, beyond make-up or even clothes. Enjoy the journey. I am so happy for you.

Alice

[Candice June Lee]

I think you made a step forward. This is something we all deal with. I too, have doesn't years fighting the urges because of my kids. Recently the fem side has gotten to be more revelant in my life. When I get to wear make up I live my self even more. Yes it hurts to remove my feminine side when Sunday evening rolls around. But my mentality had been better lately because of it. I do keep my body hair free, and do other things during the week to keep my self feeling fem. The things I doesn't twenty years doing to keep my sanity in the semi repressed state of my fem side. I wish I hadn't done that twenty years of hiding. So keep done of this in mind, as stated kids, they are more accepting in their younger years than as teenagers being exposed. Keep your face shaved as it will allow better opportunities to apply make up. Slowly get a wardrobe of a few things to have a time out in fem. Hope this will help you. And good luck.

[arbon]

Abby, some of the things you said struck me - like lying about who your are, and how you are about it needing to be all or nothing, and referring to it as a destination.
Some good questions in there that you should ask yourself honestly.

I do relate to what you said. It was much like me.

It will be interesting to see where you go with it.
I am glad you are seeking counseling, that is a really, really good thing.