Changing myself after reading a post

[Maria 60]

Last week I read a post about a GG having problems with her boyfriend because he was coming out faster then she would have liked, and she started pin pointing some of the things that she thought he was selfish and didn't appreciate what he was doing. While I was reading this I started to realize that I had the same similarities as her boyfriend and started wondering if my wife felt the same way, then for some reason I started to try to not do what she didn't like her boyfriend doing. Well my wife started instantly noticing a difference in my behaviour when it came to my dressing and the the other night we were at Walmart and my wife made a comment that the colder weather must be coming because the pantyhose rack was fully loaded and asked me if I wanted a few pairs now that there was a big selection. I answered her "no thanks" she then stopped walking and asked me what's going on with me lately, not excepting nothing as an answer she then told me we are going to a coffee shop and talk about this. I told her about what that girl was saying and wondered if she felt the same, she was upset why I just didn't ask her instead of acting strange and then told me to use the community for me to talk and read and how it's healthy for me to belong here but to always realize that we are all different, likes and dislikes and that when she doesn't like something she will tell me. She then told me she always told me not to look into it to much or try to figure it out and have fun and just enjoy it. I then told her I would like to buy some pantyhose now, she then told me that's more like me. Does that ever happen to anyone here, read a post and realize it's almost the way you are and then change something after reading?

[Jenniferathome]

..., she was upset why I just didn't ask her instead of acting strange ....

And here is the answer for all. Just talk to each other.

[ReineD]

Wow Maria, I really admire the way you tried to look at the CDing from a GG's point of view. I think that's admirable and it's no wonder you have a good marriage. :hugs:

I agree with Jennifer, it's always best to talk to our partners not only about our behaviors but also about their perception of our behaviors. This goes for everyone, not just CDers. I'm glad that your wife was able to reassure you.

It would be nice though, if the CDers who do engage in the behaviors described in that thread could also pause to think about it the way you did and also check with their wives.

[IamWren]

Maria, it sounds like you have an absolutely amazing wife, partner and friend. Big hugs to you both.

[bridget thronton]

Great marriage I think

[Sarah Doepner]

That's so nice to hear. And I'm talking about both of you respecting the opinion of the other and caring enough to consider your partners needs before your own. I admire your level of communication and have confidence you will pass through troubled waters with ease as long as you maintain that attitude.

[kimdl93]

It's nice a post prompted you to reflect on your wife's feeling. But it also points out the hazard of taking anything you read here and applying it to your own life. Each of our lives is different.

[Krisi]

One of the things many crossdressers do wrong is to take time (and in some cases, money) away from our wives and families for crossdressing. And in a word, that is selfish. It's good that you got the point. Perhaps you didn't apply it as well as you could have but hopefully, your wife understands and the future will be better.

[pamela7]

Krisi

Most folks have a hobby, often their passion, or to get away from work.
Many folks work too long, too hard, leaving too little for family/friends.
Many folks have habits or addictions that take away time e.g. social media and computer gaming.
CD may not be a hobby, but it can be seen as one from the past-time perspective, or it can be a way of life, and integrated.

The important thing is that you're so fully occupied that you don't see what's going on in the world, don't talk about it and don't do anything about it. If we get breast pumps we can milk ourselves for them as well.

[tracigirl_tv]

..... And in a word, that is selfish.......

Krisi, CDing has always struck me as a basically selfish activity. I don't mean that in the common, negative connotation of "selfish." It is by its nature self-centered, as are many other, more mainstream activities. The trick is to keep it in bounds and be respectful of those who support us.

Maria, thanks for sharing this.

Hugs all around,

Traci
xoxo

[sometimes_miss]

One of the wonderful things about the internet thingy is it gives us tremendous availability to information. Even information that doesn't exist yet. While I initially came here to share what I knew, I'll happily admit that I learn stuff from other people's posts as well. I also live alone, so I don't have anyone as my check system when I think of something extremely stupid to do (we all have those moments, don't we). So yeah, I have changed after reading posts on the internet, including a few I've read here. Now I have to get back to my latest project, a solar powered fleshlight.

[Beverley Sims]

I have moderated my behaviour after reading posts here.

You learn something new every day, even about your short comings. :)

[Suzie Petersen]

Good for you Maria, essentially learning from others mistakes and attempting to change your behavior out of concern for and love of your wife.
The funny (or maybe not) thing of course is that your wife apparently already told you that you do not have to try and second guess her feelings! "... when she doesnt like something she will tell me". How did you miss that instruction?? ;-)

My wife and I have been married for 35+ years and are at the stage where we most often know what the other is thinking. I will call my wife for no reason in the middle of the day and get a busy signal because she was just calling me as well. We finish each others sentences and laugh about it etc etc.

However, what I have learned through all those years, is that I should never try and guess how she feels if there is something she is unhappy about, because I will most often get it wrong! This is of course especially true if it is something about me she is unhappy about.

One of the classic traps is if she had said "I will tell you if something bothers me!" That is a big trap for young players!! Now what do you do? Will she actually tell you, and will she do so in time, before it becomes a huge issue? Or .. should you still try and guess if something might be a problem and then ask her, potentially triggering the "I already told you that I will tell you if something is a problem!".
I personally fail at that game every time and I have not found a way to avoid it.

The bottom line, in my mind at least, is that nomatter how well you know each other, and nomatter what "rules" have been defined throughout your relationship, you should constantly work on learning to read the signals your spouse sends you. She/he might say one thing but in fact mean something slightly or completely different and you have to apply your common sense, your knowledge of the past, your understanding of what else she/he is concerned or upset or happy about at the moment, and last but not least your love and respect for your spouse and his/her feelings and sensitivity.
Turns out, if she/he says "Just leave me alone" ... it might mean that she needs a hug more than anything! Or if he/she says "Thats fine, just do what you want" it very likely means "What the He.. are you thinking! I am very unhappy about that! Dont do it!".

When you figure all that out and manage to read between the lines and get a clear picture on the crystal ball, then you will be doing fine.

If you manage to do that, you should write a book! I'll buy it!

- Suzie

[Teresa]

Maria,
It's hard to know when to say something and when to walk on eggshells ! Yes your wife is right one member's wife isn't the same as another. The great thing is your wife knows about the forum and realises it's value ! Some of us don't have that so most of the time we are being careful that we don't break something !
It's probably better to shop alone and make you own decisions, I still find it fun !

[theresa renee]

Maria, i hope to one day meet a woman as understanding as your wife.

[Candice June Lee]

I think that openness is a key. Being responsible in our feelings, SO's feelings and not pushing, should be a key as well. However, reading posts here and seeing the issues, speaking to my wife, getting to know not only myself but her too, I have learned to not push and how to see signs that I may have gone to far. Sometimes I do push further than she had been ready for. Sometimes it's been the reverse and i am scared out of my skin. But each of those little baby steps had helped both of us in this journey that has bettered both of us.

[ChristinaK]

Maria, thanks for the post. There have been many posts that have ameliorated my selfishness and greatly appreciate those who are willing to speak about their relationships.

I too pushed too hard until I joined this forum. I felt ashamed of my behavior and felt sorry for my wife. We still have a DADT relationship, but when I am discovered pushing the boundaries she knows I was at least trying to avoid discovery and that demonstrates thoughtfulness toward her, which dampens her reaction considerably.

We learn so much from each other here.

[Brandy Mathews]

You are so lucky to have a wife that understands like that. Had a girlfriend like that and we broke up, I miss her so much! Enjoy it with the one you love while you can.
Hugs,
Bree :)

[docrobbysherry]

It's funny, Maria. Early on in relationships it seem so easy and important to communicate with your SO.

However, after many years in a relationship it often becomes difficult, tiresome, painful, and pointless to continue to honestly communicate. Both of u may prefer to just let sleeping dogs lay, (or lie?). That way, many emotional confrontations, with yelling and screaming, can be avoided!:Angry3:

[JennykBailey]

Sometimes I will read a post, and think Ouch I wouldn't have done that! I don't think I have ever changed my behaviour based on someone else's experience.

Even if like me, you're lucky to be in a relationship with a supportive partner we are our own worse enemies. It is sometimes difficult to get past years of imposed gender roles to be able to bring up some things in conversation. For example I would be hesitant to say something like "I want to buy a push up bra to see if it will give me a better cleavage!" as my upbringing would make me think this is not the sort of thing a husband says to his wife. She would undoubtedly reply with some great advice, and possible a quip about waxing my chest, and we would head to the lingerie section. I guess it's a case of retraining the brain to get the words out.

[Gabby6790]

It sounds to me like you and your SO have a pretty great relationship. Your were trying to do something to please her that made you comfortable and she dialed right in on that. Then she slowed it down and communicated that. Sounds almost text book to me.

Congrats.

[Eryn]

Last week I read a post about a GG having problems with her boyfriend because he was coming out faster then she would have liked...I started to realize that I had the same similarities as her boyfriend...I started to try to not do what she didn't like her boyfriend doing. Well my wife started instantly noticing a difference in my behaviour ...she then stopped walking and asked me what's going on with me lately,

Yes, there is a lot to learn here and I'd say that a lot of my present attitude was developed by reading of others' experiences here.

I too used to bottle up many of my feelings and frustrations and not discuss them with Mimi. I considered this to be protecting her from the undesirable tendencies that I pushed into the back of my own mind. This led me to being moody, quick to anger, and not terribly pleasant to be around.

After I started to acknowledge and come to terms with my being TG I also resolved to improve communication with Mimi. We are currently closer then we ever have been in 26 years of marriage and the situation continues to improve. It is healthier for me to express my feelings and I'm a better person for it. I'm not the man I used to be, but he wasn't very good to be around.

[DMichele]

Maria,
Your experience was very interesting; and your wife is very special person to be so understanding and encouraging. I think if we CDers/TGers heed your wife's direction...
She then told me she always told me not to look into it to much or try to figure it out and have fun and just enjoy it. - we can truly be true to our self and be happy.
Many thanks for sharing.

[~Joanne~]

My SO is the same way, if I feel I am pushing something, I just stop and then she asks me why or what is wrong. Like the heat is almost unbearable here on some days so My dressing has been limited to almost none and she asked about it even though she knew it was too hot just to make sure I was ok. I don't usually take anything from a post here to heart because like your wife said, we all walk a different path so what one girl is doing is not what I will be doing and if there is a "change" or problem or whatever, we always talk about it. Talking is the key to ANY healthy relationship.

[Stephanie47]

When two people are married each really should consider the other spouse's opinion. Before commenting I went back and read some of your previous posts. I read the post of May 26 concerning the ride to the mall en femme with your wife. You expressed your wife's comments concerning being 'outed' or 'revealed.' There have been too many comments on the site by cross dressers offering advice to do whatever her heart desires and let the wife just deal with it. That's not very harmonious in any relationship. Yes, some wives go into a tirade and will divorce their husband. Others will enjoy and encourage the experience without limitations. And, most will fall between.

Your wife noticed a change in behavior. Keep in mind your change in behavior was to reduce dressing. It was not deciding to don a dress, hose and heel, wig and makeup and blow caution to the wind. I think that was part of her concern in your post of May 26th. Your told you, if you were to go on a path that caused concern, she would tell you. Fine! But in addition, your words of concern highly suggest you would discuss your desires with her. And, you would consider her input when making those choices. That makes for a healthy marriage.