playing tennis

[GabbiSophia]

The game of hitting the ball onto the other side back and forth all day everyday is a mental drain. I do believe I have made a mistake by not having a plan. I have tried to just "deal" with things as they come up but the dysphoria is a beast that changes all the time. While the hormones are a blessing it has become painfully obvious that they are not enough. Just the thought of a weekend to just let my hair down will send my dysphoria soaring until I do something. It takes over and I end up going like mad until it settles down. If for some reason I can not let my hair down it takes days for my mind to get over it. My lack of a plan, or my fear to make one, has made me realize how strong the dysphoria can be. It is hard to not be yourself even if you are not sure about who you are.

It has become painfully obvious that I hate having to hide, even if it is my own doing. This is a slippery slope of self pity and loathing that comes from not admitting the truth and moving forward. The game has gotten really old......

[Dawn cd]

We need other people. Even in tennis you need another person to play with; you can't hit it back and forth by yourself. And you, Gabbi, need someone to talk to, plan with--a therapist or at least a mentor. I'm not a TS, but it seems clear to me that transitioning is a social undertaking.

[Badtranny]

I'm not a TS, but it seems clear to me that transitioning is a social undertaking.

somebody's been paying attention. :-)

Gabbi, do yourself a favor and start coming out to people. Start cultivating a group of friends you can be yourself with. The only thing ALL of us ruddy TS broads have in common is that we've all come out and live openly, but that process can take awhile as you build courage and self esteem.

The key to being happy is not HRT, it's self acceptance and then self actualization. Who are you? Find out and then find people to share it with.

[dreamer_2.0]

Hi Gabbi,

Dawn and BadTranny are both likely very right; you need some other people in on this with you. I've been on HRT for 14 months now, they've offered some relief but the biggest relief has come from opening up to people; sharing my struggles and the path I'm on. Oh my goodness was coming out to people hard, at first; it has since gotten fairly easy. That's not to trivialize how hard this all is, it's reeeeally difficult, but the relief that comes with it is worth it. You get to see who the true friends are and connect to them on a new, more intimate level. The friendships I've developed over the last year and a bit from opening up and being honest with others, and myself, are strong and wonderful.

I'm still a toddler in my transition so there's not much advice I feel comfortable offering, but I do strongly believe that opening up to people has been bigger and provided more relief than HRT by itself; my own self-acceptance has grown too. I've hardly reached the summit of Mount Transition, but it's so much nicer climbing with others.

Stop playing tennis with yourself. Get another player. Maybe you'll get enough to play doubles! Or, dare I say, move on to a game that has teams. Sports and games are often more fun with other people. Not to say this is all a game, it's very real, but it does become a bit easier when others beyond yourself are involved.

Not sure how useful anything I said really is. I truly hope you start finding some relief. If anything, I can relate to the struggle and understand how important finding relief is.

And, at the very least, have some internet hugs. :) *huggles*

[charlenesomeone]

Gabbi, find a group, and go out with them afterward, it helps.

[Megan G]

Gabbi,

I have to concur with Melissa on this, it might be time to start coming out to more people. I know with me this had a huge impact on the quality of my life. I was no longer hiding who I was on the inside and was able to finally explore who Megan was.

Before I came out to people I remember I was talking to my therapist at one appointment and when she asked how I was feeling I answered good but felt empty inside. Like there was a huge piece of me missing. She laughed when I said it but then went on to explain that that "void" or "emptiness" was Megan. I had erased the old me when I came to terms with transition was the only way for me and let go of all the stuff that was not me.

After I came out to people, I reconnected with some old friends and life started looking up. It was not without pain however but by far the good outweighed the bad. HRT calmed the mind for a while but eventually I had to pull the pin on the Tranny Grenade(TM) and come out to everyone if life was to get better.

Megan.

[Rachel Smith]

Get the game out of your head and into the court of your life. If you don't have a therapist get one. I thought I could do without one too because I didn't need one to get this far in life. Then I got one not by choice and discovered I did need one I just didn't know it. They, yes they I had 3 of them due to relocation's, helped me form a plan which was something else I didn't think I needed. Without a plan thoughts run helter-skelter through your head all day everyday, with a plan they go silent.

Hugs
Rachel

[Marcelle]

Hi Gabbi,

I am not TS but as one who suffers her own level of GID, I can understand your angst and pain. When I came to terms with my GID through therapy and accepted that part of me requires to be seen and heard, I started the long process of coming out to others. It started with a close circle of trusted agents (family, close friends) moved on to a larger circle of other friends and work colleagues to finally coming out at work. So now when the GID takes hold and I need to identify as a woman I can now live my life openly as required. It is a great weight lifted off one's shoulders to just be who you need to be. I will say it is not an easy path to tread (but doable) and the end result is wonderful IMHO.

Cheers

Isha

[GabbiSophia]

took me a bit to get back to this I do apologize but appreciate the responses.

Its funny almost all the advise has been the same through all the posts and to be honest I do not expect any different as it is really the best advise... but .. what do yall advise when someone hates all this so much that they are willing to do everything to go against it? My therapist told me she never has never seen anyone fight it as much as I do. To be honest I want to be in control, brain or not, it is my life ...right? I have thought maybe I am not TS .. maybe I am just in between .. nothing wrong with that .. lets move forward (that's what all this is about right?) only to be once again in question. I am even at this point questioning my therapist and about to start another for a second opinion

One thing is for sure...

In this walk the path is very different for each of us.... I am not sure how each of us come to the place of peace but for some it seems to be full transition. The goshdam$ GD is a bear or at least what I experience I believe to be Gd. I can not get behind the movement, I can not get behind the change, I am stuck. I have gotten out a little and 99 percent I meat are so over the top it drives me crazy. Does this make me any less than others?? Sure I can go out with others I can try to embrace the TS... but even that feel fake.. or the are fake?? I really do hate to judge...

Miserable is the theme of my understanding and I do not want to disregard anything anyone else has had to do to get where they are, I am just saying nothing is working for me atm. Maybe a new therapist will help... but so far group therapy where they all complain is driving me insane...

Plowing through it would be nice ... except I do not want that ... another tells me I talk like a dude and think like a dude... well doh!! ...

so at square three I am ... I do appreciate all the responses so far ...though I am not an understanding soul ...

[arbon]

You are a fighter! Therapist is right. ��

[Kate T]

The key to being happy is not HRT, it's self acceptance and then self actualization. Who are you? Find out and then find people to share it with.

A nugget of gold advice. 3 sentences that I think everyone on this forum has either followed already or they should.

[Badtranny]

Plowing through it would be nice ... except I do not want that ... another tells me I talk like a dude and think like a dude... well doh!! ...
.

Well, maybe you're a dude? Maybe you're just a little freaky? Maybe you're destined to transition? You will never know anything until you spend some time out in the open.

Being closeted is perfectly fine for cross-dressers but the people that hang out here (TS forum) are not about closets. The very first step to self discovery is out of that closet. I came out as gay first, and that gave me the freedom to explore all kinds of things including cross dressing. After about a year of clubbing and shopping I finally learned something very important about myself. I hated cross dressing, ...but I loved expressing something that I spent a lifetime refusing to even acknowledge.

There is no way I would have come to the decision to transition if I had not done the hard work of self discovery and then self acceptance. It all starts with coming out. Find a way to explore dark secrets in the daylight.

[STACY B]

Hell if the Hormones ain't working for ya you might want to bail out? Maybe your just a Crossdresser? That's Great News if so,, Stop,,, If you feel weird I would ,, If the HRT made me feel funny or didn't do it for me I would do something else. Maybe you just need to dress up sometimes and go out on the town and Blow it out ?

There ain't No Shame in that,, Me for one would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have been or just be a CD,, OHHHHHH How I wish I was ,, It would be so easy to do after all I have been through so far,, A piece of CAKE,, An look at the perks,, No coming out unless you want them to know,, Being both at will ,, Girl when it's fun time ,, Man when it's work time,, Best of both worlds,, Boy what I wouldn't give to have that,, You might want to change therapist and or Doctors or at the least tell your doctor how HRT makes you feel? Mine asks me how I have been feeling since having been on it? I tell her GREAT,, So I feel great and that tells me I am meant to take it,, IF YOU DON'T FEEL GREAT MAYBE YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO TAKE IT AND YOUR BODY IS REJECTING IT?

[Frances]

I don't want to be that girl, but I told you so.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?214520-hating-life&p=3522487&viewfull=1#post3522487

Now you know what you have to do, and that is being a real whole person.

[GabbiSophia]

Frances as time passes on that is a good question. Fear, stubbornness, childish, hell who knows why I refuse to except things for what they are, but the more I fight the more it is becoming plain to see that I need to do more than just take the hormones. @ Stacy and Melissa yall misunderstand what I meant. The hormones are working, they are allowing me peace from the anxiety, but they are now not enough. Listen I can not figure out were I stand on the slide scale at all and I have a hard time finding my place because I am busy with other goals. I do not want to stop a deal with this and then let my goals go another few years before I can get to those. Maybe that is the problem, that I can't seem to balance all this. I also hate the fact that this will change my goals and now after spending so much time figuring out where I want to go that it all is lost because being TS changes it all. I will admit your correct Melissa that being in the closet sucks, even at home I can not be me because of the step kid. I just want to live my life but I want to hide my crap that way I do not have to deal with it yet that makes the situation worse. I am not sure that my thoughts and feelings can be expressed properly in words much less written words. I feel trapped, in my own mind at times, and all alone most all the time. I am not a happy about any of this and it is hard from my simple mind to go forward with something that drives me insane because I do not understand it. Presenting as a woman and just being brings a great relief from the build up of anxiety. The hormones used to do that alone but now it is different. I want to just be but if I step out the front door my anger for people grows intense because of the world of non-acceptance I believe will happen. I guess it is all a figment of my imagination but man it feels real. I can not explain what I am dealing with I guess. I kind of have used the forum to express it but even after I go back and read it even I am lost. I do know that all this noise is old and getting to the point of exploding. Who knows....

[Rogina B]

As I have suggested to you in the past.You need to get out the door and experience what comes with it. You live in an accepting place. There are no angry mobs with torches and pitch forks waiting for you so having a thick skin is all the protection required.

[Badtranny]

I do know that all this noise is old and getting to the point of exploding. Who knows....

You're hearing, but you're not listening.

You can be stuck in this feedback loop or you can start taking tiny steps into the light. The reason why religious people say "God helps those who help themselves" is because every little step or shuffle still has the effect of moving you forward. Eventually you will have momentum on your side and things begin to get easier, or make more sense.

You should also examine this comment of "can't be me" because presumably you can't put on women's clothes? ..in private?

Look you need to meet people who are like you and start exploring your identity. Meet ONE person that you can have coffee with or golf with, or whatever. I am NOT talking about crossdressing, or coming out of the closet. For example, if you lived near me, I would be glad to meet you for a chat, or lunches or whatever every now and then. You could talk face to face with someone who has completely transitioned. This wouldn't require a single change in your life. Now I know there are some gals out there in Florida who you could strike up a friendship with. My nutty friend Annie, is basically a taller more dramatic version of me, so she would be an excellent choice, but there are plenty of others if she's not near you.

You NEED to start developing an inner circle of people who you can come out to. I don't understand all of this consternation, but some of the other girls do. Find a friend.

[STACY B]

I got ya now,, I see where your coming from,, Not to be out of Line but you put the Wagon before the Horse. You still have Man Bizzness to attend to Right,, You said there were goals and projects that you need to take care of and you just got all these things lined up so you want to do them before you come out or finish or give it all to the Male to Female Transition thing? Hummmmmm,,, I feel ya,, An of course everything will change for your future plans and all your projects that you have began for sure. Maybe like Melisa said you could fit in a friend into your life ,, Maybe a Group Meeting ? Something to look forward to each month or so. Get out a little bit and mingle maybe get your mind off things for a Bit?