Post-op

[PaulaQ]

250363

My GRS with Marci Bowers, and breast augmentation with Joel Beck on Friday went extremely well. I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to post anything about my surgery, either here or anywhere else, as I can't imagine a more personal thing I could experience. I also worry about the feelings of people who want and need this surgery, but can't get it for any number of reasons. There is very little fairness in this process for so many of us.

I got to see my new (or at least repurposed) genitals for the first time yesterday morning. My boyfriend had stayed with me overnight, so at 6AM, after the nurse had removed my bandages, I asked her to leave the room, and I called over to my boyfriend to awaken him. He figured I needed for him to help me with something, but I told him "Just come over and look".

So he moved beside me, and we looked at my vagina. It was dimly lit in the room and still dark outside. It was an incredibly intimate moment, and it is my favorite memory of my life so far. He held my hand, we talked softly about what had happened, and I cried a little and thanked him for being with me - he hadn't left my side since the surgery. I love this man with all of my heart, at least such as love works for me. The only thing I could imagine that might have felt comparable was a young couple together holding their new baby for the first time. Sadly, that isn't in the cards for us, but this'll do.

So I have noticed several things so far. It's much quieter in my head now - my Dysphoria seems to be gone. I feel great! Just the pressure of that thing laying against my body felt wrong I guess, because I notice its absence, and it's very nice! My sleep is quiet, my dreams so far, just dreams. I can imagine wanting to nap just because it's nice to nap now. I feel so much better.

The only part of this that surprised me was how unpleasant it is to be catheterized. But other than that, this process hasn't been bad at all. I'm a bit itchy - I seem to be allergic to the antibiotic they gave me. Benadryl is helping with that.

I should be released from the hospital today, and I am ready for it. I have follow ups later in the week, and I'll lose the catheter at that time.

I'm here in California until the 14th, barring complications.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Paula;

Such good news and I'm so so happy for you. What a touching post and to have someone to share life's experiences is a blessing.

Here is to a smooth recovery. Congratulations and best wishes.

Cheers... Jennifer

[Persephone]

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Christina Kay]

So very very Happy for you. Thank you for sharing. And yes you got quite a guy there. Hugs to you both,and your sister.
😄 Christina

[I Am Paula]

All the biggest congratulations, Paula. I can't even imagine the joy you're feeling. Have a nice speedy recovery.

[Eringirl]

congrats Paula!! Thrilled for you that it went so well. And to have someone special to be there for you is priceless.

I hope the remainder of the recovery is speedy and complication free.

be well,

Erin

[Marcelle]

Hi Paula,

Congrats on this part of your journey and a speedy recovery.

Cheers

Isha

[LucyNewport]

Congratulations, Paula! I'm glad to hear everything went smoothly. Please take it easy and get lots of rest. Now is as good a time as any to binge-watch some new shows...

[Heidi Stevens]

I'm so happy everything has gone well for you. Having been in hospitals for three long stays, my advice is to get up and WALK as much as you can as soon as you can. Things tend to shut down and then don't want to get going again! Good luck!

[Zooey]

Congratulations Paula! Get well soon.

[Angela Campbell]

So nice to hear, I hope you heal quickly.

[AllieSF]

Congratulations Paula, another milestone reached and passed with flying colors. Recuperate well and enjoy all those very special moments. They are important.

[Eryn]

Paula, congratulations on achieving a greater degree of congruence, for want of a better term. Mimi and I are sending good Karma your way!

I am very glad that you decided to share your experience here. Yes, there are those who cannot follow your path for various reason, but the present is not forever. Real experiences from friends that we know are extremely valuable to everyone who may be contemplating such things.

Your boyfriend is a peach. Hang onto that one!

Do keep moving, but don't overdo. My view from the outside is that a woman is pleasantly surprised that she isn't as debilitated as she thought she would be, gets really active for one day, and pays the price afterward. Slow and steady wins the race. :meditate:

[Megan G]

Congrats Paula!! Wishing you a speedy recovery...

[wanagione]

Congratulations, I hope your recovery continues to go smoothly

[Natasha V]

Omg, how Wonderful. The first thought on my mind was wow another girl has been born. Take care

[Badtranny]

congrats!

Come by my place before you leave and we'll do some grillin' and swillin'

[Kaitlyn Michele]

:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:

so happy to hear from you...so happy for you!!!

the thoughts you are having sound very similar to mine...

relax as much as you can!!

[Donnagirl]

Congrats from down under as well... Wishing you a speedy recovery xx xx xx

[Peggie Lee]

I am so happy for you on your new life as a Lady.

Peggy

[Dana44]

Tanks for the update Paula, hope you get well soon.

[stefan37]

Must feel great. Speedy recovery.

[paulaprimo]

congrats to you Paula and wishing you a speedy recovery! :)

[bethw49]

I'm so happy for you Pula and a bit jealous. I fear this will never happen for me but that's all my fault. Enjoy your new life,
Hugs
Beth

[Starling]

Congratulations, Paula! Your turn to smoke a (pink) bubblegum cigar, I think.

:) Lallie

[Suzanne F]

Paula I am so happy for you. I felt like I got to support you just a little bit. I aim to join you in June. Enjoy it you have earned it!
Suzanne

[STACY B]

Congrats,,, Get Well Soon,,, Oh,, An Happy Birthday!!!

[PaulaQ]

@Bethw49 - never give up hope, honey. The world is changing for the better for us, and the options for surgery are improving. I never thought I'd get to this point two years ago when I joined the forum and realized I desperately needed to transition. I was pretty unsure that I'd make it through 2013, to be honest. When I started, my employer did NOT cover trans related medicine. I started working at the company 15 years ago, there was no indication that they'd be trans friendly at all. So I'm very lucky - but the thing is, luck is going to be a decreasing part of our treatment. The Department of HHS is proposing rules that would eliminate the blanket bans on treatment for us that insurance companies routinely have in place now.

@Badtranny - I'll call you up! I'd love to visit. My sister is with me, you'll like her too. :)

[Rogina B]

I am quite sure Dr Bowers did a great job..Have a smooth recovery !

[Eryn]

...luck is going to be a decreasing part of our treatment. The Department of HHS is proposing rules that would eliminate the blanket bans on treatment for us that insurance companies routinely have in place now.

That is a very good thing. Here in California those bans were lifted for all but "company self-insured plans" (companies that administer their own health coverage) nearly a decade ago. Still, educating everyone about it is a continuing problem. Some lower level practitioners still aren't aware that this care is mandated. Mimi actually had her FP doctor tell her "oh no, we don't provide *that* sort of thing" when she asked about TG care. OTOH, my new GP knew all about it and enthusiastically made the referrals I needed and my endo is equally helpful. On my plan, bottom surgery is fully covered but top surgery is not unless the patient can demonstrate a "psychological need." I guess they want to keep transwomen flat-chested.

Paula, I'm so glad that things are going well for you. If you're taking the scenic route back to TX stop off in LA and we'd love to entertain you!

[Barbara Dugan]

Congratulations and wishing you a smooth and speedy recovery:hugs:

[Felicia Dee]

That's wonderful news! Warm wishes for a fast recovery.

[grace7777]

Hope that your recovery continues to go well for you.

[Lorileah]

To think I knew you when ....:)

Congrats

[Leah Lynn]

So very, very happy for you, Girl! Godspeed in your recovery. May I chime in on saying that you have a wonderful man there? He certainly sounds like a keeper!

Hugs,

Leah

[MsVal]

For all the good and kind things you've done for the community, you have earned and deserve your happiness.
Congratulations Paula.

[PretzelGirl]

I am very happy for you Paula and wish you speedy progress in your recovery!

[arbon]

Congratulations Pauala :) :) (hugs)

You've come a mighty long way

[donnalee]

When you said you were in SF, I didn't quite make the connection until I saw this post. Congrats and I hope it all goes well; you're off to a great start and you look so happy!

[charlenesomeone]

So happy for you both, enjoy life.

[becky77]

Congratulations Paula, I hope you have a really good recovery.

[LeaP]

Congratulations, Paula, and I'm glad things are going well so far!

Your short OP is one of the more compelling SRS stories I've read to-date. Very personal but not TMI at all. Thank you.

[Laura912]

Spunky. Resilient. Happy. Content. Courageous. All these and more are you...

[Nigella]

May your road to recovery be smooth :hugs: & :love:

[Katey888]

Congratz Paula! :cheer:

Big, sloppy kisses from me - really pleased for you... :bighug:

Katey x

[Abby Kae]

I just realized that you took the time to message me on the night before... To ask about me, to care, on the eve something so intimate.

You really are the best person I "know", and I wish you the speediest of recoveries and all the best. You're amazing, and inspiring. Congratulations. :)

[mykell]

congratz paula,
such an intimate part of the process you shared with us,
i hope you two have much peace moving forward....

[Paulette]

Congratulations and speedy recovery. Remember that Rome was not built in a day nor will your recovery. Pace yourself and listen to your body. Understand your pain and work with it to accomplish your goals. BTW Happy Birthday to your new V jay!!

[debbeelee1]

Congrats girl and have a fast recovery!:)

[Tina_gm]

Congratulations. Wishing you a good recovery, and calm seas on your life's journey.

[Karen62]

Paula, this is such fantastic news, and I can't think of anyone who has done so much to help so many other people and finally deserves a little help herself. Enjoy your new lease on life, and heal quickly. Life is just starting all over again. Congratulations, my dear friend.

Karen

[PaulaQ]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and positive energy. Your words mean so much to me - I can't begin to express how moved I am.

Here's an excerpt from the first post I ever made:


I'm not really sure where this is all going, to be honest. I've lied to the few people who've happened on to this little fact about me, most especially myself. (Really only a couple of people have ever known.)

I don't seem to be able to lie to myself about this so much anymore - part of me really likes dressing up. What started out as trying on some panties or stockings has escalated, to the point where a week or so ago, I realized "I need breasts." Not really "gee, this stuff I'm kinda playing around with would be more fun and a better fantasy if I had some boobs." No, just the simple, rather clear thought "I need breasts." (I'll ask advice on this in another thread.)

Appropriately it was titled "Hi, I'm a liar."

When I wrote those words, I was terrified, isolated, and had little will to live. I feel like I've come a long way in the two and a half years since I wrote them.

I made it through this. I can't believe I did, but somehow, here I am, alive, happy in ways I'd scarcely imagined, and somehow at the end of this horrible nightmare. No, breasts and a vagina won't solve all of life's troubles, but I believe they'll solve my GD. I had a dream this afternoon, it started out like one of my typical dysphoric nightmares - there was a horrible monster the sort of nameless thing that's stalked me in my sleep for so long. Only unlike times past when I'd had this dream, I pursued it, and it fled from me!

[Amy Fakley]

Congratulations, Paula!

[Brooklyn]

Paula, I am so thrilled for you! You have worked so hard to save yourself, and you're already a role model. I know you will use your experience to help others. You have indeed come a long way in two-and-a-half years! :rose:

[Bria]

Paula, I'm so glad to that you have the monster on the run! But maybe right now is not the time to run, you will need time to recover!

I hope that your recovery goes smoothly and rapidly, as always my prayers are with you.

Hugs, Bria

[Leah Lynn]

Paula, I hope that monster has run completely out of your dreams forever! You deserve some peace.

Hugs,

Leah

[Michelle789]

If you're taking the scenic route back to TX stop off in LA and we'd love to entertain you!

Oh that's an awesome idea!!! Wait, I'll be going to NY on Monday. Oh crunk. Maybe next time.

Congrats Paula!!! I'm glad you're feeling better about yourself. It must feel wonderful to finally be free. I hope you have a nice, speedy recovery, and a safe trip back to Texas.

[LookingGlass]

Congrats, Paula!

[Julie Denier]

So happy for you - congratulations! ;)

[vicky77]

Congratulations!! You look happier than ever!!

[NancyJ]

So happy for you...good for you...the more I understand about myself the more I realize that this could have been my path (had to started to understand myself earlier and not gotten married and had kids so young). Best wishes for a speedy recovery. Such a touching story about sharing the reveal with your partner.

[Ezekiel]

I am happy to see that you have reached your objectives Paula, you deserve admiration for what you've been through and how you managed it all to reach this point, and for what you do for others aswell. You deserve happiness in your life, its time already you can live your life authentically.

I don't forget all the attention you put on me early on when I joined this forum which I'm very thankful for, back when I was terribly confused, your support was there, even though I am sorry for I can't correspond to any friendship much, given my situation and current need for anonymity.

All I wanted to say is, my best wishes for happiness in your life.

[Ann Louise]

Congratulations Paula! Happy Birthday Honey ^_^

[PaulaQ]

Sorry for the tardy update. Recovering from GRS has been the single most painful thing I've ever experienced. I was out of my mind in pain until they removed the packing, and catheter. I'm actually feeling pretty good today, and hoping for a pain pill free day.

I'm healing up well, I believe!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

That is the best news all day!!!!!

Hopefully you can rest and recover your energy without all that pain!!

[jules]

congratulations from me also. :)

[Abby Kae]

You will be in my thoughts as I hope for a speedy recovery for you.

[Leah Lynn]

Every woman I've known has told me that it hurts to be beautiful. True or not, you are a most beautiful lady, and I do hope further pain is minimal.

Leah

[PaulaQ]

I'm annoyed because we pretty clearly undersized my breast augmentation by a lot. I tried on dresses today - dresses that zip over my first rib are huge in the breast area. I may as well have kept the padded bra.

We'll discuss this at the doctor's office tomorrow.

[Rianna Humble]

Glad to hear you're healing well

[arbon]

Thanks for update. Sorry for the pain I know how that goes! Not good about the BA. Was it Drs suggestion on size?

[PaulaQ]

Yeah, Beck recommended the size. I picked between this and s slightly larger one. Every woman I know warned me "oh don't make them too big!!!!!!!!!!" I felt pressure to go with a lower volume implant. Fine. I'm a C cup on a 42" band, all ribs. The first implant he showed me was 400cc. It was like doing nothing. Compared to that 600 looked huge.

They look nice. They're just about the same size (maybe smaller) as pre-op and wearing a massively padded bra. That's nice I guess - don't need the padding, but clothes still doesn't fit me well. When I get something to zip over my 1st rib it tends to be way too big in the breast. I feel like they are still out of proportion to my chest.

Oh well nothing I can do about it now.

I'm sure they'll be fine. Just wanted an easier time fitting clothes - tired of my boobs being too small. They are too small to a lesser degree than before, but still too small.

We'll see what the good doctor thinks. Maybe he'll set me straight.

[Annieenvelope]

Congratulations Paula! May I say, you look so very happy now.

[Debb]

Your new picture reflects the obvious happiness in your heart, and very well depicts what truth there is in the moniker "Gender Confirmation Surgery". So, so happy for you.

As one who has been helped immensely by your posts, I thank you.

[Krististeph]

Congrats sweetie!

Hospital moments are pretty intimate. I think that's one of the roundabout ways nurses are perceived as 'sexy', they are there with you in the 'interesting' times... Most folks understand that this is hospital decorum- what happens in medical care stays there. My neighbor had no problem showing me a picture of his wife nursing their first baby- breasts fully exposed. And when i looked at it i saw a great beautiful kid and mother- the breast was not a sexual thing in that context.

He felt odd/bad about it later- but I told him as long as he chose judiciously- this kind of sharing is appropriate.

The Japanese have a says something to the effect of: nakedness is often seen, but never noticed. It is a sign of maturity- from the sound of it- you've got it nailed!

I worked in hospital setting a lot- sometimes modesty is compromised. But professional behavior ameliorates the unease- and sets the tone for dealing with 'intimate' issues. I've had surgery at my biggest account- my best client (biomed engineer) & others stopped in to see me during surgery- i had just gone under- naked- prepped... many people might worry- but the professionalism and care totally overrode any concerns I had.

The point of me telling you all this is to let you know the medical staff will support whatever you need- discreetly. Make sure you tell them anything that you are not sure of- everyone has questions- and nothing is silly or ignorant. Repetition is the foundation of clarity- if you need to ask a question again, do so.

Best wishes healing up, we all have a smile on our faces for you!

[PaulaQ]

Some emotional context for my last post - where I seriously complained about my tits.

1. Sleep - next to none, stayed up talking to desperate trans women who's lives make mine look like Caitlyn Jenner's.

2. Starting the day with a random stalker on FB wishing my death - check

3. Realizing that they won't prosecute fully someone in Dallas who murders one of us - yep, the Janette Tovar verdict was this morning, and her murderer got 10 years probation with deferred adjudication for beating Janette's head into a pulp in 2012. (Yeah - deferred adjudication, so they can drop it off his record, because God forbid this poor innocent white boy be scarred for life because of one unfortunate incident with some tranny faggot.) Yes, this really happened back home this morning.

4. Weaning myself off pain meds - pain pill free day #1, oh that did NOT IMPROVE MY MOOD!

So when I spent an hour and a half at modcloth's fit shop in SF, discovering nothing there fits me right, I was really setup to be emotional.


PS - I hate modcloth.com. That I later discovered that my sister hates it too (why, why Tracy did you suggest going there if you hate them too - WHY????) was just the icing on the cake of a very long day.

PPS - the Janette Tovar thing is very real, and very serious, and about all they could do to make life less safe for trans women in Dallas would be to put a bounty on our heads or hire special police units to "retire" us when they discovered us.

[Jaime Noel]

This is wonderful! I wish you a speedy recovery.

[PaulaQ]

I went to dilate, and screamed when I looked in the mirror. A good sized area in my perineum along the sutures has split open. I am completely freaked out.

Back to the doctor this morning.

I suspect I may have to postpone my flight home tomorrow.

[Eryn]

Sorry to hear of the setback. I hope the doc makes it right and gets you back on recovery road!

Oh, my daughters live Modcloth. Perhaps it isn't Meant For Us!

[Bria]

Paula, I'm sorry to hear of the setback, I continue to remember you in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[PaulaQ]

Oh, my daughters live Modcloth. Perhaps it isn't Meant For Us!

The hell with modcloth - as my friend Alana said to me: "no one will sleep with you in those clothes!"

I mainly care because I think I will have similar issues with certain shall we say, special interest garments that I do care a lot about and that have a direct impact on activities I enjoy.

Not sleeping tonight. Too worried about having three holes down there.

[arbon]

You wont have three holes.
Everything is fixable! Don't panic (ha! like I did not have my little panic episodes the last 4 months!)

[PaulaQ]

I just saw Marci's nurse. I need some suturing tomorrow. No flight home for me for a few more days. Wound separation.

[Lorileah]

sorry for your setback. Wonder why it came apart. Too much activity? You didn't ride a SUV limo did you? I hope this is all that you have to contend with. The boob thing, you can get fixed later in life if needed, They do that all the time. I am questioning doing it at all. I kinda like the swimmers body look.

Somehow, I don't really know why except Caitlyn has put us out there, violence and hate toward us has increased. I don't understand the weak sentence. But then I don't understand a lot of things.

Heal up. Feel better. :)

[Eryn]

The hell with modcloth - as my friend Alana said to me: "no one will sleep with you in those clothes!"

Umm, these are my *daughters* I'm talking about... :heehee:

Modcloth seems to lean a bit more to the artsy eclectic than to the sexy!

I hope your issue is remedied soon.

[Rianna Humble]

I went to dilate, and screamed when I looked in the mirror. A good sized area in my perineum along the sutures has split open. I am completely freaked out.

Really sorry to read that. I hope the doctor can sort it for you and that you'll soon be back amongst your friends.

[PaulaQ]

Umm, these are my *daughters* I'm talking about... :heehee:


Heh, yeah, I understand. I was talking about, as was my friend Alana, my sex life, not your daughters'!


onder why it came apart. Too much activity? You didn't ride a SUV limo did you? I hope this is all that you have to contend with. The boob thing, you can get fixed later in life if needed, They do that all the time.

They think I used too big of a dilator, and that this isn't uncommon. I used the smallest one they gave me, but its not the smallest one available. We may never know, really.

My doc thought I should just lose weight, and then my boobs would be fine. (I asked.)

I haven't been my ideal body weight since childhood. I'm just now "overweight" rather than "obese." I'll keep after it, though.

@Rianna - thanks. I'm tired and I want to go home. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my girlfriends. I miss everybody! I miss Mr. Wicked, my cat.

What I really miss, though, is my eyeglasses. Somehow my sister misplaced them week ago.

I wish home wasn't in the middle of hell, but that's about it.

[Katey888]

Chin up girl! I drove 200 yards down the road and found I had a flat tyre this morning... :facepalm:

Paula - you (and everyone that goes through this) are incredibly brave and courageous - I have nothing but admiration for how you've faced this and I'm gritting my teeth and praying good things for you - hope it all gets sorted soon... Oh, and take the pain meds if you need them - use what help you can get... :hugs:

Katey x

[dreamer_2.0]

Huge, amazing congratulations, Paula!!! This was a beautiful post. Will you treat us with a new, equally beautiful post when the catheter comes out? :P

Speedy recovery!!!!

*edit* I was referring to your OP as beautiful, not so much the dialating "split". Sure hope you're okay!

[stefan37]

Screen shot or it didn't happen.

[PaulaQ]

@stefan37 - I can send you a PM with a photo if you really want... lol!

I'm stitched up and back on pain meds. Wheeeeee.....

The doctor says it'll heal in it's own even if we'd done nothing. She stitched it up in a different direction, thinks that'll help a lot.

[stefan37]

Just a little levity for the gaming nerds.
Glad things are working out. I'm still waiting for my gastroenterologist to sign off on my pre-op clearance

[PaulaQ]

I'm feeling better today. My sutures seem to be holding up, and so far, I haven't needed pain meds.

[Leah Lynn]

I love good news. Hoping everything continues to go well.

Hugs,

Leah

[PaulaQ]

I'm finally on a flight home. Travel isn't too comfortable. I'm so ready to be back home...

[steftoday]

Travel safely.

[Lena]

congrats. Best of luck on the next stage of your personal journey! thanks for sharing with us.

[Shads_Firehawk]

Have a safe trip home Paula, and hopefully being back home in familliar surroundings will help you heal better.

[GretchenJ]

Paula,

Have a safe a relatively pain free flight, there is nothing like home cooking, am very very happy for you!

[Eryn]

There's no place like home!

[Bria]

Paula, I hope that you are resting comfortably at home now!

Hugs, Bria

[karenpayneoregon]

Congratulations, your in good hands with Marci and Robyn

[PaulaQ]

My first week back was pretty rough. I had a lot of visitors, including the lovely Ashley from here on the forum, which was wonderful, really. But I was tired all the time.

I went to my primary care physician yesterday, so she could check out my wound separation. Its slowly healing, but yeah, I have a 4cm deep hole beneath my vagina. It should heal up without a skin graft in a couple of months, but I wanted to have my local doc have seen it in person BEFORE anything goes wrong, it becomes infected, etc.

Hopefully nothing goes wrong. Probably it will be fine. But I think its good to have a local doc on board, just in case, even if she winds up annoying Marci with questions. My doc was a little freaked out by what she saw, although so far, everything is healthy. I felt a little better about my own reaction after seeing hers.

I'm feeling better this week, although I sometimes am in enough pain to still need a percocet. I tire really easily, 5 pm yesterday, I had to lay down for a nap. I just ran out of gas. I'd worked my job some, gone to the doctor, and had lunch with a friend who lives 1 block from my doctor. Not a hard day, but it wiped me out.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

the exhaustion afterwards can be pretty rough..

i had a similar issue and it went away...the scab was pretty gross tho

[Rachel Smith]

Congrats Paula I hope what you have given to others is returned to you in a speedy recovery.

[PaulaQ]

I'm healing up really well, according to my local doc. She worries about infection, but the area where the suturing separated and the wound opened up seems to be healing very rapidly, and from the inside out - which is what she wants.

I'm still tired all the time, although it's better each day. When I run out of gas though, wow, I just collapse and sleep!

I think the hardest thing I face is trying to keep the demands of my real life in check. There is only so much I can do in a day, before I'm exhausted.

[CostaRicaRachel]

That's so wonderful, I'm just so happy for you, I'm glad you can finally be yourself.

[Leah Lynn]

That's great news, Paula! Glad to hear you're doing well, just don't overdo it.

Hugs,

Leah

[Eringirl]

Excellent Paula! Thanks for the update. Glad to see that things are progressing as they should. And yes, take it easy.....all in good time. Don't overdo it.

Be well.

Erin

[Suzanne F]

Glad you are healing! Will you be coming back to the Bay Area any time soon? Sorry I didn't get to see you again.
Suzanne

[PaulaQ]

Thanks everyone!

Suzanne, I'm really sorry I didn't feel up to getting together again. Surgery took a lot more out of me than I'd imagined.

[rachael.davis]

I'm really very happy for you - I went back into my pm file to check on it - two years ago you were worried about getting your ears pierced, now look at what you've done :)

[PaulaQ]

@rachael.davis - yes, once I stopped trying to please other people, and started doing what I needed to do to save my life, this all got easier. I can honestly say that I couldn't imagine my life today two years ago.

[PaulaQ]

I'm having some problems with one of my breast implants. The surgical incision has opened up on one side, and seems to be having difficulty healing. I was told by Dr. Beck that if the implant extruded from the incision, they'd have to remove the implant with emergency surgery.

I went to a local surgeon last week at Dr Beck's recommendation, and he told me that hasn't happened. That's a relief, but I'm still really worried because the wound seems to be getting worse.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Paula I am really really rooting for you to get through this part of it..

the exhuastion is rough enough and hopefully you can acknowledge its real, be patient and rest as best you can.... i hope this complication gets better soon...i had some incision related issues too...it all worked out but it was no fun.

[Rachel Smith]

I wish you well and speedily at that. Hang in there.

[Eryn]

If it is getting worse don't back off until it is fixed. Incisions opening at this point is no joke.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Paula;

All I can say is wishing you well and you are in my thoughts.

Be well Paula. We need women like you out there making a difference.

I'm at your virtual bedside.

Cheers... Jennifer

[Suzanne F]

Paula
Sorry to hear you are having complications. Get better, that is an order!
Suzanne

[Bria]

Paula, I'm sorry to hear of the complications, I hope that you get past them soon.

Hugs, Bria

[PaulaQ]

Thanks y'all!

I sent a photo to Dr. Beck yesterday, and he suggested that the issue might be a dissolvable suture that hadn't dissolved, and was instead being rejected by my body and thus inhibiting normal healing. So I went in to see a local plastic surgeon, and sure enough, they found a couple of sutures in the open part of the incision that were causing the problem. So I'm hopeful that I'll start to heal more quickly now.

Apparently in some people (this isn't super common, but it can happen), the dissolvable sutures that they often use now are rejected by the body more quickly than they can be dissolved, impairing healing. The signs are a wound that isn't healing properly, and is irritated, but not red and streaky or feverish (those indicate infection instead). Anyway, something to watch out for with any surgical procedure you might have now. They may have mentioned this to me a couple of months ago, but with all the pain and pain meds, I don't remember. I don't think they did - but who knows?

On a related note, I also discovered that I'm apparently allergic to bandaids - at least the cloth ones from J&J. (I had one on my other incision, and my skin is really itchy now!) I'm not sure if it's the latex, or the adhesive. (These weren't latex bandaids, they were cloth, but they aren't entirely latex free.) I'm thinking the adhesive, mostly because I have a fair amount of experience with exposure to latex, and have never noticed a problem before. And, um, as my boyfriend pointed out, I would have definitely noticed this problem...

I mention that because I was apparently allergic to one of the medications they gave me post-op. Probably the Keflex, but possibly the blood thinner (the first and worst rash was around the injection site of that drug, but I had rashes all over me, so it's hard to tell.) These are the first allergic reactions I've had to medical products in 48 years - since I was a very small child. (When I was a kid, they used to use cat gut for suturing material. Unfortunately, I'm highly, highly allergic to that stuff, and it very nearly killed me.) Weird stuff happens sometimes with major surgery, I guess.

[GirlieAmanda]

I just read your thread. I live in the Bay Area. Unfortunately, I couldn't get even close to Marci Bowers since she seems to be overloaded with surgery requests. My friend had a consult over a year ago and still hasn't even gotten a date yet which could be up to 2 years. Of course, if one offered cash, sadly I would suspect one would be able to accelerate their timetable. Anyhow, I have a consult with Dr. Satterwhite in Marin. He is gladly taking Marci's and Toby's overflow and has dates that are only months out after consult. Satterwhite is really rising in popularity around here and maybe the country. We actually need more doctors to do this surgery. I mean, when you go in for heart surgery, you kind of get who you get. I know this is more cosmetic in nature and a specialty, but still, we can't have 2 or 3 year waits for surgery for a community who is prone to bad things happening when dysphoria sets in hard. I wonder what your path was to be able to go to Marci. How long from the consult till the date? How many weeks post are you and are you back to work yet? I worry about how much time off I will need and how to pay for that.

[Starling]

Paula, I hope it will be clear sailing for you now.

:) Lallie

[PaulaQ]

My friend had a consult over a year ago and still hasn't even gotten a date yet which could be up to 2 years. Of course, if one offered cash, sadly I would suspect one would be able to accelerate their timetable.

I paid $1000 to get on the waiting / cancellation list.


Anyhow, I have a consult with Dr. Satterwhite in Marin. He is gladly taking Marci's and Toby's overflow and has dates that are only months out after consult.

Yeah, he has a good reputation.


I wonder what your path was to be able to go to Marci. How long from the consult till the date? How many weeks post are you and are you back to work yet? I worry about how much time off I will need and how to pay for that.

I only met with Marci for a consultation (I live out of state) a few days before surgery.

I got on the waiting list on 10/22/14, expected surgery date February 2016 - about 16 months. On 12/23/14, I was notified that someone had cancelled, and I could get surgery in Feb 2015. I declined that date, for several reasons. On July 20, 2015, I received another notification from Dr. Bowers' office that another cancellation slot had opened, and I could get surgery on September 4, 2015 - which I accepted.

So from the time I applied to my surgery date was ~10 months, because of cancellations. It could've been as soon as 4 months, had I taken the first cancellation slot I was offered.

I'll be 9 weeks post-op on Friday. I'm back at work. I've been fairly effective at work for the past 2-3 weeks. I tried going back to work at about 2 weeks post-op. I'm a programmer, I sit at a desk, how hard could it be? Well, it turns out, it was really hard. I grossly underestimated how tired I'd be, and the amount of pain I'd be in. (Turns out, in this one instance, having a job where you sit down all day wasn't an advantage at all.) I was exhausted most of the time, and the first couple of weeks post-op, I slept a LOT. Not just "Oh a nap would be nice", but bone tired "I'm going to collapse onto the floor if I don't sleep NOW" exhaustion. I've never experienced such a thing in all my life.

I'd expect to be off work at least 4-6 weeks, depending on what you do, how your body recovers, your pain level, etc. This could be longer if you have complications, or you just don't heal as quickly. It's impossible to predict. I have talked to women who had much less pain, and recovered a lot faster than I have. At 6 weeks, I was only sort of functional. Even now, 9 weeks out, I'm still not at 100%.

Again, my recovery is worse than some others. I know others who've had still a worse time than I had, and some who've had a much easier time than I have.

[PaulaQ]

Update - the wound separation is mostly healed, but I'm worried that I have another complication. I don't seem to have a clitoris - or rather it's buried under my skin and completely unexposed. Looking around down there with a mirror, basically at the very top of my vaginal opening is my urethra - there doesn't seem to be anything else there. Feeling around, the only part with any sensitivity is buried under my skin, maybe 1/4" above the top of of my vagina. It almost seems like it's buried under scar tissue.

I am worried I may need a labiaplasty, since there is very little sensation down there, and the part that feels sensitive isn't exposed at all.

Anyone have a complication like this?

[PaulaQ]

I talked with Dr. Bowers today. I'll need a revision, so in a few months, I'll have to travel to California again. This time I'll probably go alone.

I'm depressed about this far more than I really should be. I had horrible dysphoric nightmares last night. I have had a couple of episodes that remind me a lot of how I felt two and a half years ago. I'm trying to fight this - it can't possibly be as bad as it was back then, but having the feelings come back after being absent for three months was a nasty surprise.

With all the pain and other complications I had from the original surgery, I'm really worried about the revision, although I know it's minor. I really needed this to be over with. I'm pretty crushed that it isn't. I dread having another procedure done, but I feel even worse about things not being right with my vagina. I'm also really worried I won't be able to achieve orgasms even after the revision. I know the odds are it'll be fine, but my experience so far has been very different than what I was lead to expect.

I feel a lot of shame about this. I know that doesn't make sense.

I'm also afraid about keeping my relationship going with no sex for another half year, or how I'll feel about sex if I keep doing what I can to make him happy, but deriving little pleasure from it myself. I don't think we'll make it, frankly. The idea of no sex for another half year is pretty depressing to me too - I have a high sex drive, and not much I can do about it for a while. It's really frustrating.

Mostly, though, I feel shame, like I've failed somehow, like I'm a fraud.

I don't feel like I can talk about this locally. As my boyfriend points out, I'm a leader I have to show strength. But pretending to be happy when I'm scared and feel terrible is a lot like the way I used to live.

[PretzelGirl]

Paula, I am so sorry. You certainly are not a fraud. You had an unfortunate outcome, but you are able to go in for a corrective procedure. I know the wait sucks, but you waited to get here and even though you shouldn't have to, you will get through this. Keep talking through this and you will get there.

[Badtranny]

Well this time, make sure you spend a night hanging out with me and the roomie.

You'll be able to forget all about your problems while you're arguing with me.

[Rianna Humble]

Paula, I'm really sorry to read about these complications and how they are making you feel. You have no reason to feel ashamed, you have done nothing wrong.

I have to take issue, though, with what your boyfriend seems to me to be saying. If you are regarded as a leader, then you can show strength by not hiding these problems from those around you. It is not strength to pretend nothing is wrong. A true leader will admit to those she leads that there are difficulties and will show them by example how to cope. That includes letting them see your endurance.

Pretending to be happy when you are scared is the exact opposite of leadership. How can someone trust a leader who lies to them?

I would prefer for you that everything had gone well and I certainly hope that the revision has the outcome you desire.

[Suzanne F]

Paula,
I am sad to hear about this complication. Please know I am available to help in any way when you return to California. I will be glad to go to the appointment with you if needed. Just let me know what you need.
Suzanne

[Starling]

You're in my thoughts, Paula.

:) Lallie

[Kris Avery]

Paula,

Let me know if you want to talk. You know how to get ahold of me. So sorry the saga continues.

I'll be down for more electro fun next Tuesday night, the 8th, if you are interested in our traditional dinner.

Anything you need let me know.

[PaulaQ]

I'm over myself today. Yes, I had a bad night Thursday night as the reality that I'd most likely need a revision sank in. I was pretty dysphoric, and that persisted most of yesterday. There are a LOT worse complications than the ones I've experienced. Yeah, this sucks, but it's not the end of the world. It's fairly minor, really. Annoying - exceedingly annoying, but it should be minor. I've finally calmed down, and realized that I'd already emotionally prepared myself for the worst case - something going wrong and discovering that I either couldn't have sex, or got no pleasurable sensations from it. My boyfriend and I had talked about this before hand, and we talked about it again today - we'd find some type of a workaround. He wouldn't let something like that damage our relationship, and neither would I. There's always a way around things. We both told each other that when we started our relationship, and it's still true. There is always a workaround.

And it's really unlikely it'll come to that. I'll be really sexually frustrated by the time I get the revision and heal up from it, but I'll live.

Anyway, I'm fine. I'm not ashamed, and I certainly still feel like a woman. It'd have been neat for the one stage procedure to work. It didn't, but at this point, I'm really no worse off than women who go to surgeons who do two stage procedures.

Part of the problems I've had emotionally with all of this is that I am the type of patient who needs to have their expectations managed. There are some people, like my boyfriend, who will worry incessantly that they are experiencing any and every symptom or condition that if the doctor tells them about even if it's terribly unlikely. Someone like that, telling them less is a mercy. Unfortunately, I'm not that type of person. If you tell me what to expect, I expect that to happen, or I go totally off the rails. If you tell me a range of possibilities, from best to worst case, I'm fine with that - I'll notice what's happening, and I may be annoyed if things don't go the best, but I won't panic. So I expected this would go off without a hitch, with minimal pain, and be a "one and done" type of surgery. I know plenty of women who had that experience. Unfortunately, wasn't my experience. Since I just hadn't talked to anyone who'd had the type of experience I've had, I got really upset and panicked.


A true leader will admit to those she leads that there are difficulties and will show them by example how to cope. That includes letting them see your endurance.

I completely agree with you Rianna. Thanks! I'll talk about this locally.


You'll be able to forget all about your problems while you're arguing with me.

LOL! Much love to you, Misty! I had wanted to visit you when I was out there for surgery. I figured I could do it towards the end of my post-op stay. I really overestimated how good I was going to feel post-op. I had thought "it'll be a bit of a stretch, but I'll walk around San Francisco a bit." The reality was more like "it'll be a bit of a stretch, but I'll walk from the shower to the bed now!" I'll definitely visit you upon my return. <3 :D


Please know I am available to help in any way when you return to California. I will be glad to go to the appointment with you if needed.

Thanks Suzanne, I'll let you know when I know it's going to happen, and I may well need a ride. I'm thinking about going alone this time. I love my mom and my sister, they have been wonderful, supportive and generally amazing during my transition. And I loved it that they went with me for my surgery - they were really sweet. But I think my sister's health isn't where it needs to be to watch over me, and my mom, bless her heart, just isn't great when things are stressful. (I would be the one providing the stress...)

[Jennifer-GWN]

Paula;

Dispite a few setbacks I think you've done incredibly well. I feel for you and your day to day challenges and your desire to heal and move on. Your candor regarding your experience has been very helpful for me looking forward.

As a fellow tech I get the whole understanding the options and alternatives our analytical minds can drive us nuts sometimes as we sort through issues, weight the options based on known parameters, and deal with the potential outcomes possible.

I continue to wish you the best, know you are in good hands and all will work itself out in due course.

Best wishes... Jennifer

[PaulaQ]

I checked with Dr. Bowers office. I need to send them $1000 to get on the waiting list, and I'll have an 8 month wait for the revision. It'll cost me a total of $5000, plus airfare & hotel. It's not clear that my insurance will cover the revision at all. We'll see.

So basically over a year from the date of GRS before I'll find out whether or not sex works well for me or not. I am going to be so frustrated. Also, my boyfriend is making serious marriage noises. (He's talking spring.) I wonder if that's a good idea to do, not knowing whether or not sex will work for me with him. If it doesn't, I'll lose interest in it with him. I mean I'll do stuff, but he'll figure out sooner or later that I'm not getting much. There's other stuff I can do, but unfortunately not with him. Which is really a pity. He's not wired that way.

When I'm having sex with him now, what I get is really mild and pretty unsatisfying. I feel like I'm letting him down.

I guess we'll see if my relationships survives this, particularly with my guy. A year is a long time to fake it. I know some women do that all the time, but I don't see myself doing that.

Heh, this could really turn into a disaster. I'm moving in with him soon, and if things don't work out, I won't have a place to go, furniture, anything. I'd delay this all until next year after the revision, but I have already given notice on my condo, and have to leave it soon.

Yeah, this has the makings of an epic disaster for me. I'm kind of betting the farm on this relationship. It's not that I need him to support me, I make a lot more than he does. But I am in the process of getting rid of just about everything I own - furnishings, old kitchen stuff, etc. I'm moving in to his place, so if he gets frustrated with me, I'd be the one to leave. So I'd move into someplace empty, set up my computer, and buy a bed.

I mean, we might be OK, but our relationship is sort of predicated on having a lot of really good sex. Having that go away early on is a pretty big challenge to the relationship.

Yeah, this could totally blow up on me. Well, not much I can do about it now. I don't have to move in with him and then marry him, but I can't stay here.

I think I'm probably in trouble. Let's hope we can limp along some how, and that the revision fixes things, and we still exist as a couple by the time it does. That seems like a lot of stuff to count on going right.

Wonder if I can get into another surgeon sooner? I worry about having someone else follow up on her work. Maybe I could get it done before I'm married, or something idiotic like that. That would lessen the blow a little bit if it doesn't work out.

Faking it is starting to sound better...

[Suzanne F]

Paula
That scares me that you have to pay for the revision? Was there error on her part? What about having a skype like consult with someone like Dr Satterwhite?
Suzanne

[Zooey]

I mean, we might be OK, but our relationship is sort of predicated on having a lot of really good sex. Having that go away early on is a pretty big challenge to the relationship.

I'm assuming that he understands the nature of the surgery you had, and the timeline/nature of the one you're trying to arrange now. Given that, maybe this statement isn't as true as your think it is?

[Eringirl]

Hi Paula....

Sorry to learn about all of this....that sucks....

Just a thought....have you told him any of this???

[PaulaQ]

Ok, I'm booked for August 4, 2016. That could change I'm told, but that's what I'm looking at now. I paid my $1000 deposit. Yay.

Not much choice, really, I believe I probably will want to have a clitoris.

As for my boyfriend, we've talked about this some. He's willing to take a risk on me. All I can really think to do is try to figure out how to have a good time with what I've got now, hopefully finding something that works for me when we have sex. Hopefully before he marries me. I am scared about starting the marriage with a sex problem. We have a mixed orientation marriage - that's problem enough already. I don't want to add another problem on top of that.

Look, I know how shallow this has to seem. I spent my last marriage sexually frustrated. I just can't live that way again.

I'll keep working on it. I'll have to masturbate, try toys, figure out what, if anything will get me there. This is hard for me, I stopped enjoying masturbation during the worst part of my gender dysphoria. The desire to do it has never returned. I don't enjoy it, it brings back horrible memories. (I know - only I would have a ridiculous problem like this.) I have plenty of sex drive, I just don't masturbate. Between my physical and psychological issues with it, I'm not sure I can get there on my own. :/

I'm sorry I'm stressing over this so much. I'm dreading getting the revision. My experience with GRS so far has been really unpleasant. I'm scared something else will go wrong.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Paula dont be sorry.. feel however you feel..its totally ok...
but also be good to yourself....

I can say that in my experience a feeling of major let down after surgery is super common... and i had post op blues for quite some time..

i'm not downplaying anything, i'm just saying it to make sure you don't feel you are somehow inadequate..you are not.

add to that the very real complication you experienced and the issues about how its going to resolve and you have the setup for feeling bad.... but you are strong and thoughtful and sharing your story empowers you to stay on track and make certain that the benefits of the surgery are still foremost in your mind...

you've got woman problems, they are meaningful problems and you are working to solve them, its a hard truth as it says in your tag line...
....i hope you can have really good days really really soon

[PaulaQ]

I tried penetrative sex from my boyfriend. It was a disaster. I basically couldn't feel it. I got a little sensation from my prostate, but otherwise couldn't even tell when he was in.

This was a pretty big blow to his ego. We made it worse by trying again tonight. I fell asleep during foreplay - I felt nothing.

We talked all of this out, he assures me he's fine waiting as long as it takes.

I wonder if that's true though. He is already noticing that I have more fun with my girlfriend than I do with him right now. It's not that she can do much for me sexually either. But she and I do kink stuff that he's not interested in, and I domme her, so there isn't nearly the pressure on me to receive sensations. He's vanilla, and a too, so there's lots of pressure on me to orgasm. He gets a lot off my reactions - but I don't have any. I can't feel most of what he does right now. I'm happy to do stuff for him, but there's nothing in it for me, and that bothers him.

[Jenniferpl]

You are an inspiration and hero to many of us on this site. Your frankness about your GRS is refreshing.

You must remember you have had major surgery. Regarding feeling and sensation in your in new vagina, it make take several months before nerves start to grow into that area. Over time you should see an improvement. That coming from a person who has had several injuries that affect nerves.

Keep smiling and trying.

[Laura912]

Will throw in a medical opinion here that essentially agrees with Jennifer. Nerve regeneration varies from tissue to tissue. Although skin may have been moved to create new anatomy with the vascular supply preserved, the nerves will require some time to reconnect. Do not be surprised if it takes six months to a year. Sorry.