Asking permission?

[Kate Simmons]

I've noticed that when some folks have ideas about what they want to or would like to do en femme, it's almost as if they are asking permission. Hey, it's your life, do what you want to. That's the way I see it anyway. Do you "ask permission" or just proceed being yourself? :)

[pamela7]

it's a delicate balance in society. We need planning permission to put a shed up in the garden for example - neighbours opinions count. So it depends if your SO is okay with your neighbours knowing. Permission here is about not causing pain to loved ones. We deal with this by processing the emotions, the logic and pacing. Now I'm out in my town, but its taken 9 months of pacing. i'm okay with that, it was not worth the price of relationship trauma, and I've taken time also to be okay being so out myself.

If my doctor can't do his job because he's emotionally compromised seeing me in a dress then I'm better off in mancloth for the appointment. Rather than permission / giving power away, it's more about mutual respect. Otherwise we'd all go round naked and then little men in positions of power would feel inadequate, lol.

[Laura Kane]

Well said. Thanks for days what I could not find the words to say.

[reb.femme]

...Otherwise we'd all go round naked and then little men in positions of power would feel inadequate, lol.
I'm sorry, but it's more than my jobs worth not to intervene on such occasions. :devil:

I hear the not asking for permission bit, but as Pamela alludes to, there are often mitigating circumstances such as an SOs acceptance level to consider. I'm not apologetic to the world at large though. If hospital Accident & Emergency at some time in the future don't like the colour of my toenails or underwear, maybe they can suggest a more suitable colour? Currently, a nice lilac on the toes,...if you're interested that is. :heehee:



I see it as asking for reassurance from their peers, they maybe in a situation that is new to them and are using the experience of others to guide them.
I see this forum as a great opportunity to share knowledge and experience, we never stop learning and if only something like this was around when I was younger I may have taken a different path and be a altogether different person today.

I believe the phrase is, "Amen to that".

Rebecca

[Laura Kane]

I meant to say, "Thanks for the words I could not find to say."

[Jennie2]

I see it as asking for reassurance from their peers, they maybe in a situation that is new to them and are using the experience of others to guide them.
I see this forum as a great opportunity to share knowledge and experience, we never stop learning and if only something like this was around when I was younger I may have taken a different path and be a altogether different person today.

[Lacey New]

I am one who would love to go to a transformation studio and do the complete en femme thing. But i do not feel as if I am asking permission. Quite the contrary, I believe I would get total support from my friends here on line. However, since I have made a choice - which I am comfortable with - to be totally closeted from friends and family, my opportunity to do the transformation is limited. Someday it will happen but only when I can create the right set of circumstances to do it. In the mean time, I snatch a few hours here and there at home dressed in a dress and all the nice underthings and I am reasonably content with that.

[kimdl93]

I pretty much proceed on my own volition. Perhaps that's because I have accepted that this is who I am that there is nothing wrong with it.

[Krisi]

Do you "ask permission" or just proceed being yourself? :)

I've often wondered what this "being yourself" statement means. Does it mean being a crossdresser? Does it mean being the center of attention? Being "different" just to be different?

Anyway, I don't think people are asking permission so much as asking if what they are planning to do might cause them some sort of harm that they had not thought of. For example, someone might ask if they should get dressed in a sexy outfit and walk around their neighborhood at night. Well, we can't give or deny them permission to do this but we can warn them that they might be questioned by the police or they might get the hell beat out of them.

It often help us when we can see a different perspective on our plans. Sometimes we overlook the obvious.

[Heidi Stevens]

Pamela did express it well, but I think most are asking if their peers think they are ready to do what they would like to do. More like confirmation than permission. And then there are those who seek permission from loved ones out of love and respect.
In the end, it is you that decides if you're ready and/or you feel assured from supporters, to do what you want to do.

[Kate Simmons]

I personally define "being yourself" as expressing myself any way I choose, others notwithstanding.:)

[Sarah-RT]

It does seem that way but I see it as more of a vote of confidence, if we didn't struggle with the outside world we would have no need for the forum

[Gabby6790]

I think, if I was doing any asking, it would be for advice for confirmation from forums members. If I was asking for permission from an SO, it would be just like anything else i.e. "Do you mind if I go to the bar with the boys tonight?" Its not really permission, its the fact that you are a team and you make decisions together for the good of the team.

In regards to CDing, I might ask if she minded if I went out at night dressed. If she said yes, she did mind, I would want to know why she did and talk about her concerns.

[Krisi]

I personally define "being yourself" as expressing myself any way I choose, others notwithstanding.:)

Ok, but that's an answer that doesn't say anything. It skirts the question. Are you a politician?

[Stephanie47]

I personally define "being yourself" as expressing myself any way I choose, others notwithstanding.:)

Sure, anyone can express his or herself in any way he or she desires. However, whoever you're interacting with may choose to express his or herself in any manner he or she chooses also. One must evaluate the potential responses or consequences to one's own actions. Since this is a cross dressing forum, I'll leave it to cross dressing and not building a garden shed (#2, above). Got an invitation to a dinner party at a neighbors house? Your wife is out of town and therefore it is obvious she cannot attend with you. Get dolled up in wig, makeup, heels, hosiery and a pretty dress and go. You don't need to ask for permission, but, hey, you may not get another invitation from the attendees. And, maybe your wife will have something to discuss when she gets home.

Of course, if you're single, live alone, retired, have no friends or family, I guess you really can do whatever your heart desires with no consequences.

[Sarah Doepner]

I've noticed that when some folks have ideas about what they want to or would like to do en femme, it's almost as if they are asking permission. Hey, it's your life, do what you want to. That's the way I see it anyway. Do you "ask permission" or just proceed being yourself? :)

I wonder if it's less asking for permission than putting into words something they have been wanting to do. This is the next step from visualizing doing something and only a little way from actually getting it done. I've found that once I've put plans in place and shared them with others, those plans seem less of a challenge than before. The other thing is as you write it down and hit the post button you have given yourself permission to move on to the next step. A lot of times we are the one not granting permission to ourselves. Once we get past those blockades it's easier to do what we want without those early steps we use to boost our courage and seal our intent.

[Suzie Petersen]

Asking permission/acceptance from a spouce to do something, be that pushing limits or otherwise, is a simple matter of mutual respect in the relationship.

But, the way I read the OP question is more about when people ask something here in the forum and if that can be seen as somehow seeking a form of permission to do something.

I have several times read posts where I got the feeling that the poster did exactly that, seek permission from somebody, anybody. Almost like a desire to have someone else say "Go ahead, it is OK that you do that" such that the person can feel inside that someone else almost suggested it first. Making the following action(s) more acceptable.
Especially when it is a new person, trying things for the first time, or someone wanting to push their own limits a little, I think it happens that that person wants the dare or the push by someone else.

- Suzie

[Kate Simmons]

Thanks Suzie. You pretty much got what I was saying. I wasn't saying throw caution to the wind, especially if in a relationship. Rather I was saying to go ahead and do what you want if you are confident enough but of course you will have to deal with the results of your actions one way or the other. :)

[AllieSF]

I see it as Jennie2 and Sarah say, getting peer input regarding a poster's desire to do something new. I think I see where Kate is coming from and have sometimes wondered the same. Here we are adults (mostly male I would guess for the topic at hand) asking questions that normal adults hardly ever ask, seeking in a way approval for their thoughts. In male mode for male mode things that we want to try as something new, we think about it, maybe do a little research and then decide. We don't ask our buddies if trying to snow board for the first time is a good idea. We tell them that we are going to try it. I am not talking about major decisions but rather those common ones when trying or doing something new. I understand sometimes we just want ideas of how to do what we want to do without making a total ass out of ourselves, but sometimes I just want to suggest "Be the adult you are and do what you want to do, taking practical precautions if they are necessary." This is far from rocket science, and death and destruction definitely does not lurk around every corner.. Try it, weigh the experience for good and bad and decide if it is worth doing it again. We do that all throughout our lives from being little kids with little common sense to be grown people who hopefully have reached a decent level of knowing what is too risky and what is not.

PS: I just read Suzie's post which is shorter and more to the point than mine. I like it.

[Alice Torn]

Well,in a little different way, I sent two different women from the church i was attending, lots of photos of me all dressed up. One said she would not tell anyone. Right!! It has gotten out to quite a few, and destroyed a few friendships.I regret letting myself go that time.But, recently, gave Alice permission to go out six times, in towns many miles away, with no bad experiences. Giving self the permission to let some people see or some people know about our dressing is enticing, but offend is not wise, i found.

[CynthiaD]

I never ask permission. But it's still necessary to be discrete.

[Candice June Lee]

In this early stage of relearning myself and the everywhere newness to my wife, I do ask permission. Sometimes I ask her and other times I ask myself. Yes it sounds weird to ask yourself, but, you have to weigh out the chores and stuff for the day. I ask my wife for I do not wish to shock her to bad and blind side her. Not to mention our work schedules and time to do stuff. So we have to plan our things quite a bit.

[Krististeph]

Both. I ask when I want interaction. My wife is okay with me dressing- okay. Not happy about it, not really 'actively' supportive, but then nor negative except in a slight 'damning by faint praise' manner.

But she has no analog to this- and I have to admit- it must be hard. I have these (supposed) two personas- even though she like me when I'm dressed up- it might be a bit crowded for her. Essentially two of me and one of her. Okay- maybe it is more like 1.5 of me and 1 of her, but still. I dress up a lot on my own.

Truth be told- I play. IMO- this is a bigger admission than admitting to being a CD. CD is normal. But to play? That should be left with childhood, right?

I Say F--- that. Play is an incredibly important part of brain function. If you stop playing- you stop learning. I have record going back 25 years- people & peers, coworkers, clients and cohorts- I have trained. Subordinates & students I have mentored... if you do not have some fun, have imagination, do a little 'make believe' you will perform poorly compared to those who do.

But our society, even our TG/CD aware society, has trouble playing.

IMO- i think it's the prime reason for having children- kids are a riot to play with- but parents fail miserably to continue good play after early childhood. Why? - Too many voices telling us what to do: Soccer, arts, dance, sports- this is NOT play. it is stylized combat or ritualization. We clarion cry about our independence and originality- and yet what do we do when our kids get old enough to interact? We fall in step with der zeitgeist like a programmed robot- it too easy to let other tell us what is 'right', but we as CDs know the error of that. Thank the creator that kids are resilient and flexible and develop their own bitchiness (self). They do tend to orient towards intelligent play, but they like us are distracted by too many voices telling us what to do.

People telling you what to do do not do so for the benefit of those they are telling (you). Despite what they might say/promise/swear/avow. if you do not understand or believe this- don't bother reading any further.

Play has to have highly specific limits- it must ensure that no one gets hurt- thus it must be farsighted. It has no specific goal. It must be very fluent and Zen. It must allow for deep investigation into trivial iota- it must be sober and honest. Yet it must also be flexible but strong enough to allow mistakes and failure without consequence.

Play can be very scary for many people. But play is essential for growth. When in the heat of the play-- when I am teaching-- students lose fear of failing- of mistakes. Mistakes are just something new to talk about. Breaking rules- and understanding the negative effects of such- this occurs in play. With no real hurt. Finding the real 'edges' is what play is about-

Playing is necessary and important. Asking permission to dress or do or play while en femme is an invitation into one's real self.

The best people in real life play a lot. I've been gifted to work with a lot of really smart folks. Most of them have developed channels of play ancillary to their work.

When you ask permission you offer authority to someone else- in serious stuff this may be legally binding and have various effects. In interpersonal interaction it is an invitation to become closer. Or it may be the adoption of a subservient role. Which is not necessarily negative.

whenever something like this happens- no matter what- the best thing to do is to stop for a bit and think about how freaking wide the ramifications of a simple question like this are. multilevel- multiconsequential-

the best answer is understanding the outreach for connection- and answering as one truly feels with this reaching out in mind.

And what does your spouse have that is like this? Granted- she may not suffer the angst, but heck, it does pull a significant portion of attention away from her.

Yeah, I may ask permission- but she needs to have her time 'under the microscope' or 'focus on her needs because of this' too-- it is hard for her to talk about this- but it will come out..

oohh-- "Project!"

<apologies to Cher Horowitz>
- just my 2 cents

[Kate Simmons]

I play a lot en femme. I interact with others, I dance, I perform, I do silly stuff and why not? Who do I have to answer to really when it comes to dressing? Myself mostly and myself says "go for it". I don't want to be defined as that would restrict me as a person. I'm constantly discovering new things about myself and the only way to do that as Kristi said is to "play". :battingeyelashes::)