Venus Rising: the Desolation of Mars

[Felicia Dee]

Disclaimer: this post touches on what could be seen as a very sensitive subject and could be potentially triggering. Please understand, this is ME working out MY choices involving MY transition. I'm waxing philosophic and presenting an open discussion in kind. I absolutely mean no disrespect to anyone and am not specifically speaking to or about anyone in particular with this post, I'm just seeking clarity as I begin this new chapter of my life. XOX -Fia

~~~

Well, I did it. I made my first appointment to see the endocrinologist regarding HRT for December 23rd.

Holy CRAP. It's HAPPENING.

As my wife and I wrap our minds around the logistics of me transitioning, the gravity of it all and what that means to the future of our relationship, I have been taking time to think, to process. Part of that has been speaking with some of the girls I am acquainted with here in town. Mainly, what doctors to seek out, general health and wellness, questions I should be asking, etc.

Well, during this time of information gathering, I have noticed something... Many of us in the trans community have deleted, thrown away and in all ways eliminated any physical evidence of their lives leading up to their transition. This surprised me, as it's not something I myself would do and therefore never considered that others might.

Though, on some level, I can understand the rationale: Gender dysphoria can be pretty debilitating. My own can sometimes make it difficult to leave the house. So I get that having evidence of our past lying around as being unsettling or disruptive. Also, considering the rash of transphobic violence and bigotry going on (despite all the positive celebrity endorsements of late), I can see why someone would decide on such a measure. Wiping the slate clean, as it were. To a point, it seems a bit like going into witness relocation.

Such a reboot is not entirely without appeal.

Two of my friends are surpassing this notion by going “deep stealth,” and making a go at existing as cis women. Hell, being trans, as well as also being an abuse, molestation and rape survivor – I've considered such a move myself. Starting a new life in a new place and laying to rest all that pain and suffering once and for all... It's hard not to consider it.

But for all the garbage I've endured, the obstacles I've conquered and the intense load of crap I've had to survive just to make it this far and still be a reasonably functional member of society – It's my life. For better or worse, who I WAS directly informs who I am NOW. It seems disrespectful to simply toss it aside and pretend it didn't happen, like I never existed. Sure, I hate most pictures of male me. There aren't that many to begin with, as I have typically avoided cameras by always being the photographer. It's hard for me, because I don't think I look “like that.” I can see the truth behind my eyes, the sadness, the discomfort. In each photo, I'm faced with with a lie. A clever disguise. Armor I wore to survive the battle at hand. But I still had positive experiences. Friends. Good times. People I loved who loved me. And while I fully endorse writing your own history, I question the logic of running from all the things that led up to this moment. Even the worst experiences have some intrinsic value. A lesson, perhaps.

I have my struggles and am admittedly in a state of betterment and personal development, true, but I essentially like who I am as a PERSON.

This is ESSPECIALLY true of the last 12 or so years. In 2003, I met my wife. She's my person. The one I want to grow old with... to binge watch crappy TV with. That whole “to have and to hold” thing. We do pretty much everything together and even the simplest task can become a grand “Rom-com” adventure. Together, we have shared experiences and memories that equate the happiest of my life. I REALLY don't want to give any of that up, no f#*king way. I'm a better person because of her. I can unclench around her. For a little while, I can put all the hurt away and be present in the moment and be the most “me” when we're together, regardless of my expression at the time.

Being authentic – to me, means being whole and honest. To borrow a psychological term, it's the idea of becoming “integrated.” No one is perfectly female or male. Read: Gender fluid. I'm done hiding. No more faking or feeling like a spectator in my own life. So what then, does this mean for me as a trans person? How does it all translate?? How do I talk about my past experiences, my life so far??? I don't want to exchange one lie for another. Is it simply a matter of changing pronouns? Am I OK with editing my life for content? What would that sound like; “Back when I was male...” or “Before I was female...” Do I speak of myself in the third person? Refer to my old life as though I'm speaking of a dead relative?

I keep simmering on this. To a point, this is part of the struggle I've been having as I learn to wrap my head around the “why” of my transition. Where I'm at, is wanting to be the me I've worked so hard to be, just as the female version. As I say; “I want to be my own twin sister.” This means being the same person, just fully and finally aligned and congruent.

Unfortunately, the people in my life – as supportive as they are being, keep treating me as though I had some terminal disease. I think that for people who are not trans and do not experience gender dysphoria, transitioning is some kind of choice, rather than a NEED, a necessity. I ran this by my therapist, who specializes in working with the trans community. She agreed that – like any internal conflict, it's almost impossible for those who do not share such turmoil to relate. Which, I suppose, is where the idea of 'those in your life transitioning with you' comes from.

In my darker moments, when I feel lost or cast adrift or even when hope eludes me and I consider the the big sleep, I ask myself if all this exchange of agony is worth it. Over and over... For the most part, I think yes. But if I'm honest, it's only by a very small margin.

And so, onward...

[ReineD]

To borrow a psychological term, it's the idea of becoming “integrated.” No one is perfectly female or male. Read: Gender fluid. I'm done hiding.

Addressing only the gender-fluid comment above (because I am not TS), the vast majority of people do not consider themselves gender-fluid. They do identify solidly as either male or female, even if they think themselves either more feminine or masculine than their peers because they do recognize within themselves some personality traits and/or preferences that are more or less masculine or feminine, stereotypically, than their peers. But most people generally recognize the wide spectrum of traits and preferences within each sex, for example competitive women and nurturing men, and these traits are only facets of who they feel they are as a whole. These traits do not define an overall gender ID opposite or varying from birth-sex, among cis-people, who are not interested in presenting as a sex opposite than birth.

And then there are people who do not identify as either of the binary genders. (TSs are binary just like cis-people. Unless I'm wrong, I take it that TSs do identify solidly as either males or females). Admittedly it is difficult to identify as a non-binary gender because it goes against what we know and see around us every day, which is either the male or female sex, and there is a huge potential to not be understood because of this.

How do you want to reconcile your past to your present. Do you want to say that you lived as a man in order to appease old social expectations that you were a man, but now you need to live as the woman you are (this is a form of integration … to allow for a past all while recognizing the present), or do you want to say that you do not identify as neither the male nor female binary gender/sex.

Sorry if I am misunderstanding what you are saying. I'm addressing your comment above (re "no one") that I am taking you are applying to humanity as a whole and that I take to be your quandary.

[Leah Lynn]

Hi Felicia, I just got home from my two year hrt checkup. I can definitely tell that I'm a MUCH different person today. I really don't know if I'll be able to afford to go all the way, but I keep on going, because tomorrow just might be different. Like, in a good way. I'm 64, so there's not exactly an unlimited number of tomorrows for me.

Let me back up a little. Just a little longer than two years ago, I sat for six hours SERIOUSLY considering removing myself from the top side of the sod. The chosen implement of my demise in hand, I decided to wait one more day. Short version, I'm still around, annoying decent people.

Stealth is easier to pull off in a sizable city. Here in Smallville, everyone knows you; knows your business. You're out there for God and Country to see, yet I'm trudging on, step by small step, to make it to the end of this journey. And, you have a support group close by; I'm pretty much on my own.

So, only you can decide if it's worth it for you to keep going, but as for me, it's damned well worth every agonizing minute, every insult, every jeer and every single tear..I want to see what I can accomplish.

Hugs,

Leah

You can't stop a bird from flying
Can't keep an old man from dying
Can't put bars around the sea
You can't cage what's meant to be free

Slim Leland 1981 - 2015

[Felicia Dee]

Hey Reine!!

Well, it does depend on how you read that comment, I s'pose. Gender, by nature, is fluid. That's the beginning and end of that particular comment for me. (in this context, anyway)...

Which is why there is SUCH a gradient of identities that are coming to light. Truth is, I've met MANY folks that actually identify as "gender fluid." These are people who use "they/them" pronouns... Or xi/xe. Some consider themselves "trans," some do not. I have met a handful of cis gendered people who also identify this way.

If we want to expand on this a bit, I present actress Ruby Rose, who (IMO) put it best: "Gender fluidity is not really feeling like you're at one end of the spectrum or the other," she said. "For the most part, I definitely don't identify as any gender. I'm not a guy; I don't really feel like a woman, but obviously I was born one. So, I'm somewhere in the middle, which -- in my perfect imagination -- is like having the best of both sexes. I have a lot of characteristics that would normally be present in a guy and then less that would be present in a woman. But then sometimes I'll put on a skirt -- like today."

But I don't want to derail this thread, so if you'd like to pursue some continued discussion on gender roles, therory and human sexuality, feel free to pm me.

:)

[Heidi Stevens]

Hi Felicia, I think you'll work out your situation just fine. I was sure I had GID and it was confirmed last spring. My wife is non accepting of the whole thing, but we still love each other so much we would both be unhappy if we parted. A compromise was reached to where I would start HRT, but continue to present as male to the rest of the world.
The HRT did wonders for my internal struggle. I became much calmer, more open and more empathetic than I was just weeks before. I told my Doctor that if she saw no problems with it, I'd like to stay at the level of treatment I am currently at. She was very understanding and said I could change dosage when I felt it was time.
So, almost 6 months in, I'm feeling great, my wife still has her husband and we're both happy with that. Yes the hormones and blockers have done some physical changes, but no more than a lot of 60 year old men experience (moobs, lack of sexual performance, etc.) the bottom line is we are happy and seemed to have found a compromise that works.
But this is just my situation. Others have to go all the way, make a clean break and take this to a definite conclusion.
Keep working the problem as it evolves and find your happy place.
My wife is my life right now. Should she leave me or pass, I would probably pick up the HRT schedule and fully transition.
She means that much to me right now, so we are good as things are. Goodluck to you and your bride.

[ReineD]

But I don't want to derail this thread, so if you'd like to pursue some continued discussion on gender roles, therory and human sexuality, feel free to pm me.

I don't want to derail it either. If most or many people you know are gender fluid, that's great! :)

So did you get a chance to look at the question I asked you? Or would you rather have a situation such as Heidi Stevens, which is another way to integrate? I guess I'm just not understanding what you want to do or what is the source of your concern.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Felicia; you mentioned given up or burying the past. I contemplated how I'd react when coming out this summer full time at my childhood home. There's all the stories, memories, experiences. Surprisingly to me I was ok. They happened, they were good stories and fun times. So not banishing them but compartmentalizing them as a old chapter to my life. In many cases they can be de-maled or genericized ... In others they simply can't be deconstructed and that's ok.

I'll use the Bruce Jenner/Caitlin example. Bruce won a gold medal and I would take that away from him or refer to it as Caitlin won the medal. Bruce won the medal that's fact and history. Going forward she will have lots of stories and experiences.

That's the way I process it.

Cheers... Jennifer

[LeaP]

Felicia,

Great thread title!

You raise several topics. Let me hit just a few:

I am not sure what your transition will consist of, especially since you haven't even started hormones yet. I am also not sure of your identity. You seem to settle on gender fluid, But I am not sure. Regardless, you question, on one hand, why someone would challenge you on the basis of choice, but on the other seem to describe your decision to transition a choice. So I'm a little confused on that. I'm probably reading too much into your "wanting" to be the female version of yourself.

I understand the notion of liking yourself as a person. I like my ethics and views on many things, too. Unfortunately, I find the quality of my life thoroughly poisoned by living the lie I have. For me, self integration means (among other things) eliminating the duality wherein I can like myself in one context but detest myself in another.

The only comments you made that is somewhat triggering are those concerning your wife. I also love my wife dearly. Many people here have loved their spouses dearly. When you say there is no way you're going to **** that up, what do you mean? Would you not transition, for example? I have had such conversations with my wife. She wanted to be a higher priority than transition. The reality is that there is not one unified list of priorities and needs. Preserving my marriage and transitioning are equally compelling. But I also know that I can't really say I am doing the former unless I do the latter anyway. There is no real way to reconcile the two and there is no way to control for outcomes.

[Felicia Dee]

Thanks Heidi!!

Jennifer GWN: Well said. I’ll think on that a bit, thank you.

Hey ReineD... Hmmm... Let me see if I can answer these points...
"How do you want to reconcile your past to your present?" Yes. Exactly. How do I do that? I'm getting some good input so, I may now have an idea or two. ;)

"Do you want to say that you lived as a man in order to appease old social expectations that you were a man, but now you need to live as the woman you are (this is a form of integration … to allow for a past all while recognizing the present)?" I think you may have misread the OP...

"Or do you want to say that you do not identify as neither the male nor female binary gender/sex?" Personally, I do not identify as "gender fluid." I identify as female, always have.

Hi LeaP… Thanks! A good title is almost as important as its content. Sorry if the bit about my marriage was somewhat triggering for you.

First: “you question, on one hand, why someone would challenge you on the basis of choice, but on the other seem to describe your decision to transition a choice. So I'm a little confused on that.”
What I said, was; “I think that for people who are not trans and do not experience gender dysphoria, transitioning is some kind of choice, rather than a NEED, a necessity.” In other words, it’s not a choice to me.

Then, you asked; “When you say there is no way you're going to **** that up, what do you mean?”
What I said was; “I REALLY don't want to give any of that up, no f#*king way.” I'm speaking specifically of all the good in my life that I DO have, despite my GD and other complications. I can’t NOT transition. I tried and failed. Would I give it up to keep my wife and maintain what we have together? … I made the offer, but she said that she didn’t want me to do that, because she’s amazing and because she believes in being authentic, too.

Will our marriage survive the transition? I really hope so.

[LeaP]

Can you explain your transition need in the context of gender fluidity?

[Rianna Humble]

As far as I can see, Felicia has already explained her mention of gender fluidity and has already stated that she is not gender fluid. There should be no reason to ask her to explain her need to transition in the context of something she does not identify as being.

To try to address the question in your original post, Felicia, my own way of dealing with the past depends quite a lot on the circumstances when I am recalling it.

Some of the time, where I feel it is not appropriate to emphasise the transition and where I believe the context won't be damaged by the substitution, I change the pronoun originally used (e.g. relating to something a rival politician said of me just before my transition, I recently quoted him as having referred to me as Rianna even though he actually used my old name).

In other circumstances, I refer to "when I was being Robert" or refer to "the old me" or "my old name". One recent example of this was when I was telling a relatively new friend about when I and a group of acquaintances had found our details published on a hate-group web site inciting violence against us and mentioned, in passing, that the details they had published use my old name (without saying what that was).

Some people may disagree with my approach, but it is what works for me.

[Kate T]

I've never quite understood the "delete the past" approach either. Mind you, there is not that much of it on these forums so I don't know if your acquaintances are somehow biased or if this forum is somehow biased.

WRT referencing past events or stories Rianna's approach to be a good one. Unless gender is a key component of the reference or story then it is really irrelevant what gender you refer to yourself as. We don't begin stories or conversations with some sort of statement of signalment "When I was a 27 yr old caucasian unmarried male named Ted I went to Europe too and visited the Louvre. Wasn't the Mona Lisa small!". Your gender was irrelevant, it is and was your experience that is important.

I think you'll be fine. Make sure you give your wife a time, despite seeming to be coping OK sometimes it can get overwhelming at least until she can get a chance to process things.

Funny thing you know. I actually HATE the title of the thread! I can't stand the whole Men are from Mars Women are from Venus crap (yeah I read it, didn't resonate at all!). Unless you were trying to reference the Lana and Andy Wachowski movie "Jupiter Rising" which was a stinker of a movie as well sorry :(. BUT I quite liked your post Felicia.

Lea, I am sorry. You're right of course, there is absolutely no way of reconciling the two and controlling for outcomes. You can't rationalise it to work. You just have to be honest, and hope that it does. :hugs:

[Suzanne F]

I am right in the middle of transitioning in place. My wife and children are supportive and we are all out in the open about it. I am waiting on my company to agree to a plan to inform my coworkers and customers. I am an active member of AA and have been for almost 14 years. I just turned 50. I say all this to explain why I see no way to avoid my past history as someone thought to be male.

It's funny I have been asked to share my story a lot lately. I think people in AA have been curious since my transition is quite well known. I have to talk about many experiences that are apparent that I was a different gender than now. I hope to be confident and non apologetic about this. Obviously people realize that things are different now. For me this has been part of the process of accepting myself. I find freedom in acknowledging my past and confidently declaring who the authentic me is.

If I was younger and single with no children I might feel different. I might change everything and quietly slip away. But that is not my path. I want my journey to benefit others and I have a great opportunity to do that. Everything finally makes f.....ing sense! I don't need to hide it.

That is my decision. I totally get that it is a personal choice. I may someday decide to become more private and just not put myself in the position to have to talk about the past.

Suzanne

[LeaP]

As far as I can see, Felicia has already explained her mention of gender fluidity and has already stated that she is not gender fluid. There should be no reason to ask her to explain her need to transition in the context of something she does not identify as being.

me.

Missed the bit in the last response to Reine. Question retracted. I did find the back-and-forth on gender fluidity odd, only to end with the statement that Felicia is not gender fluid. In any event, I have taken it to pm.

[Eringirl]

What I said was; “I REALLY don't want to give any of that up, no f#*king way.” I'm speaking specifically of all the good in my life that I DO have, despite my GD and other complications. I can’t NOT transition. I tried and failed. Would I give it up to keep my wife and maintain what we have together? … I made the offer, but she said that she didn’t want me to do that, because she’s amazing and because she believes in being authentic, too.

Will our marriage survive the transition? I really hope so.

I find this very interesting. I am amazed and impressed with your strength to be able to make such an offer. I was not that strong. My wife made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that she was not going to stay if I started to transition. That was her line in the sand. I had to transition. Either way, she was going to be alone, either divorced or widowed. Did I want my marriage to end? Hell no!! But it was either the marriage or me. I wish I had the guts to make such an offer....but I couldn't. I would say that I am not gender fluid. There is nothing about my male self that resonates with me at all. I am a woman period. But that is just me.

As for my male history....yup it is there, it is part of what makes me who I am. It stares me in the face via my children (older, on their own now). But I agree with Jenn, I have been able for the most part to "de-gender" my experiences and recollections. That works for me.....

My 2 cents worth........

[LeaP]

Funny how the title came off differently to each reader. I didn't even think of Men are From Mars ... Or (the movie) Venus Rising, for that matter. The title sounded like a riff on classical mythology to me. The symbolism predates the book by, say a few thousand years or so. Venus rising refers to her birth, and desolation works on many levels, including the end of maleness and both the end of struggle (war) but also the damage left in its wake.

[Angela Campbell]

I can't say that I can "erase" my past, but I have certainly put it behind me in almost every way. You see, that wasn't me. That was a fictional character I made up in order to protect me. I had to learn how to fool the world into thinking I was a normal male.

Now, I basically reject that life, and actually ignore it.

[Cheyenne Skye]

I'll echo a few sentiments already expressed. I started a second job earlier this year and there they only know me as Dana. So when I talk about my past, I de-gender it as much as I can. As in referring to my ex-wife as just my ex. Or saying, "when I was young" instead of "when I was a boy". It seems to be working so far. Though it can still be a little mentally draining always having to remember how to phrase things so they don't give me away.

[Felicia Dee]

Adina: Thanks for the insight!

Suzanne: I hope to be as strong and proactive as you as my journey continues. Thank you so much for your comment. <3

LeaP: Regarding the title of the OP – you nailed it!!

I've been rereading all the comments so far... it's quite encouraging... thanks SO MUCH for the thoughtful responses!!

[ReineD]

Personally, I do not identify as "gender fluid." I identify as female, always have.

Thanks for the response. It cleared some things up for me.

On how to deal with the past: my SO and I know transitioned TSs and have had dinners with one particular TS and her spouse frequently. Throughout the years we've talked about a number of things, and our friend refers to her past in a neutral way, for example "When I was young". Or, "Twelve years ago, I ...". I have never heard her refer to her pre-transition days as a male.



Unfortunately, the people in my life – as supportive as they are being, keep treating me as though I had some terminal disease. I think that for people who are not trans and do not experience gender dysphoria, transitioning is some kind of choice, rather than a NEED, a necessity. I ran this by my therapist, who specializes in working with the trans community. She agreed that – like any internal conflict, it's almost impossible for those who do not share such turmoil to relate. Which, I suppose, is where the idea of 'those in your life transitioning with you' comes from.

Should my 30 year-old son be TS and transition, I would know this is not a choice but a need, although it would take time to stop thinking of her as a male. I would have a 30 year accumulation of memories to replace with new ones. So in effect, my memories would slowly have to transition over time, to begin to think of her as always having been female. Maybe some of your family members just need time?

Addressing the comment, "impossible to relate" as it applies to cis-people generally, I can say that although we cannot personally relate to the experience of transition, some of us are supportive and we can certainly accept without question and respect that you feel the way you do. I hope that some of your family members are willing to begin rewriting their memories of you so they can eventually think of you as the woman you are.

[Kate T]

I hope that some of your family members are willing to begin rewriting their memories of you so they can eventually think of you as the woman you are.

I'm not quite sure rewritten is quite the right term. Saying rewritten implies almost a falseness. It is not so much rewriting that is needed, more re viewing. Looking for what is the essence in the memories, not just the superficial picture. Think of it more as like the difference between reading the book rather than just watching the movie.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You cant have everything you want.

Thinking in absolutes is common but its not going to be constructive to your best outcome and best mental health.
Be careful about projecting your own feelings about what you need to do and trying to suss out what others may think or do..
you just be honest and approach it as something you need to do and you do it. (whatever it is you do...heh)

you cannot predict how people will deal with it...i guess you can make a good guesstimate, but the power of gender transition really challenges people

The way you find out what works and what doesnt is to do it..

[ReineD]

I'm not quite sure rewritten is quite the right term. Saying rewritten implies almost a falseness. It is not so much rewriting that is needed, more re viewing.

It's difficult to find the right word. Maybe "think differently of" or "reframe". I meant the process of beginning to think of someone as always having been the opposite sex than who we thought they were. For example, when I remember all the moments from my past with my 30 year old: birthday parties, Christmases, first days of school, sports games, the time he and I watched an ant hill for hours, etc, it would take a while for me to reframe my memories in terms of thinking that I was doing all these things with a female. I think I could do it, but it would not happen overnight. It would be process that is reinforced in time by doing a lot of things with her (if she was TS) as a girl now - in other words, a building up of new memories over time that would help me reframe my old ones.

If I could not reframe or rewrite my older memories, then I might never think of my son as always having been female. I would persist in my belief that he was a male, but changed. And this is not the desired result for TSs, as far as I can tell. MtF TSs need their families to realize they have always been female and that transition was not an arbitrary choice to change from one gender to another. It wasn't the gender that changed, it was the physical body (the sex). If this makes sense.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

my dad is 78 yrs old and loves me to death..he is fully supportive...he held my hand through two surgeries...

and he sits next to me at a restaraunt and tells the waitress about me after my order..."he loves french onion, he can't get enough of it"
i look at him afterwards...
Dad!!....

he says "what??" i say you called me he again...
he says , no i didnt.

we just laugh..what can you do..

thats real life...

[ReineD]

Your dad sounds sweet Kaitlyn. I suspect that the ability to rethink/reframe/rewrite/think-differently (whichever term people want to use), is proportional to a person's age and to the volume of past memories. I should think the process is easier and faster with someone who is younger and who doesn't have 40-50 years of memories to deal with, than someone who is in their 70s, even if everyone is supportive. :)

[Angela Campbell]

my dad is 78 yrs old and loves me to death..he is fully supportive...he held my hand through two surgeries...

and he sits next to me at a restaraunt and tells the waitress about me after my order..."he loves french onion, he can't get enough of it"
i look at him afterwards...
Dad!!....

he says "what??" i say you called me he again...
he says , no i didnt.

we just laugh..what can you do..

thats real life...

I could have written the same thing about my Mother. She may never actually get to the point of not accidentally calling me he or him. I can't really complain though, she loves me anyway.

[Rianna Humble]

my dad is 78 yrs old and loves me to death..he is fully supportive...he held my hand through two surgeries...

and he sits next to me at a restaraunt and tells the waitress about me after my order..."he loves french onion, he can't get enough of it"

My late father was very similar, just 13 years on. He even made the effort to consciously remember he should refer to me in public as his daughter, once telling the hospital "This is my daughter, could you let him know when you have finished the examinations so we can go home together?"

Thank you for reminding me of this incident which is part of the memories I cherish about my dad

[Debb]

See, and that's the thing for me: I cherish many many things about my life as Dave. I tend to talk a lot, and I'm not really great at editing myself on the fly, so it's inevitable that I will out myself.

Which is why I've chosen, more or less, to acknowledge "Dave" when I need to. After all, I've got two careers under my belt, and plan to continue in the second one after transition ... which means being able to show a resume of all the stuff I've done. I am frankly too lazy to call up ten different companies and ask them to change their records so I can give references as Deb.

This will of course mean I might miss out on some great jobs, but favorable public opinion seems to be gathering speed so maybe it's close to a wash. I do have to change jobs in around three years, and that will be after my full transition, so I guess we'll see how things work out ... it's a risk, and it's a big risk, but it's worth it.

[PretzelGirl]

This is going to vary as much as there are people transitioning. A person going stealth would probably need to not bring up items or "de-gender" them. Some don't feel their past life was real enough to continue to recognize it. To me, I improved my existing life. I struggled in figuring out who I was, then when I did, I was transitioning and that struggle was gone. It was replaced with the struggle of dealing with transition, but never a struggle about being me.

My "previous life" was me and it was with family and friends and full of great memories. Since I am completely out, hiding it doesn't make sense or feel right for me. I will keep it in the background somewhat for those that know, with that being defined liberally. But it isn't in the face of people first meeting me. They will get caught up later. I just met a lot of people at a convention over the last week and not a word was said. Life shouldn't require bringing it up, but it can be optionally.

An instance of how I feel for those that know, I just did a flashback kind of thing on Facebook with a picture of me and my tank platoon in front of one of the first M1 tanks deployed in Europe. It was a good memory for me and it is part of what made me who I am. I am okay with others knowing that. I can't "de-gender" being a tank gunner, alter boy, boy scout, little leaguer, professional bowler, having a previous wife and a current 25 year marriage (I am surprised many can't connect those dots as 25 year same sex marriage doesn't compute). I suspect we all have this list. So the only other option is leaving those out of your live story. Some can or want to do it and other's can't or don't want to. For me, they make me who I am for the non-identity parts of my life.

So do what is comfortable for you. I started with the curtains pulled closed until I had time feeling myself out. The curtains are starting to pull back. Some things are so precious to us, they will never go away. My favorite picture of me and my youngest grandson stayed in the dining room even while I was debating my exposure level. He is just too damn cute! :D

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i think an overall point i tend to share is that prior to transition, there is all this stuff going on in your head..

much of it is very counterproductive.... much of it is about making assumptions and decisions based on what you think may happen but you really can't know until you get there, and often the first years and later years of transition lead us to totally different and surprising places..

the beauty of transition is that you get to be yourself....who knows how you fill feel when you get to that point?? nobody!!!!not even you!!! LOL
i can only say this in hindsight...i did lots of counterproductive thinking

[Felicia Dee]

Sue: “...I improved my existing life. I struggled in figuring out who I was, then when I did, I was transitioning and that struggle was gone. It was replaced with the struggle of dealing with transition, but never a struggle about being me...” VERY well put.

Deborah Whitney: “...so it's inevitable that I will out myself.” LOL. I'm much the same. I have come to learn that there are quite a few people at my work that have already figured things out... I'm being asked to advise in a couple of campus groups and a number of students have been seeking me out as a safe person to confide in... I thought it would be awkward or weird, but it's actually been pretty alright, so far. Which is nice, because this is giving me the confidence I need to come out officially at work.

Kaitlyn Michele: As far as finding my way and just doing what I need to do well, you are right, of course -- and that is what I am trying to do.

RenieD: yes referring to my past in more neutral terms seems to be the best approach for me...

Thank you all again for you insight and for sharing your thoughts here. <3 <3 <3