Lust at the Trans Center

[Aleca]

I was originally going to title my thread, "A Day in the Life at the Trans Center but this became the bigger issue and conern, lusting towards other transgender woman and crossdressers in our local resource center. I mean, don't get me wrong, to have a safe place to be out 30 hours per week is wonderful but the chance and fear of having an extramarital affair is very high. I love my wife and don't want to deal with the guilt of having a relationship behind her back so that's something to be much on guard for. Especially tough when you suddenly find people like myself, think like myself. There's an enormous amount of love in the place and hard not to lust. I may end up having to dress down and just make sure I'm up front with the ladies that I'm married. Difficult when your so called safe place contains this.
Updating this a few days later for all you with sarcasm in your responses. My wife has also been out of town three months and that will make anyone, even you, crave intimacy after 12 weeks apart. I've also been in the place a couple more times and know I'm not going to hit on anyone, as I've settled down. Most are half my age, have a partner and I am 53 and ugly and don't have to worry about anyone hitting on me. I'm just there because I need friends, like minds and something to do. So we hang out. watch tv, play board games. If you still have a rant, go ahead, as I probably won't read through it all. What knowledge I do take from this post is a reminder that social media is just that, a place to complain. Nothing sets people off more when a comment becomes a form of PTSD to someone else, where the self was violated upon.

[Mayo]

Do you wear a wedding ring? That kinda makes a statement right there. Interest and even lust are completely understandable when you're constantly in close proximity to people who resonate with you, but whether or not you choose to take things any farther is really up to you.

[Aleca]

Need to get a new ring, that certainly helps. I just have to be honest, up front with the folks

[AllieSF]

Is it the place, or is it in your mind and your own desires? Support groups and centers like this one are meant to be safe havens, they also serve informally, usually, as decent meet up places, since we "T's" tend to have problems finding accepting partners. Like all of life, it is only a threat when one has similar, maybe unspoken, desires. Are they hitting on you, or just trying to be friends and talk personally abut their and your issues? As in regular life in normal mode, we meet all kinds of people and maybe get all kinds of opportunities (some people are luckier than others), however, temptations usually are recognized because one already has the idea in their mind. Good luck and enjoy life.

[Aleca]

I actually need to be more concerned of me trying not to hit on them. Not being too friendly is hard, having a long term compassion for trans folks. But I as shouldn't worry of the opposite, being age 53 and six foot one.

[AngelaYVR]

Perhaps if you spent some of those 30 hours with your wife, it would be easier.

[Vickie_CDTV]

If you are having trouble resisting, you might want to find somewhere else to hang out. If you slip up and have an affair and your wife finds out, it will cost you far more than a place to hang out is worth.

I'd also spend some of those 30 hours with your wife too. It is a good investment for both of you.

[Jenniferathome]

...the chance and fear of having an extramarital affair is very high. ...

That's just crap. There is no such thing as "chance" it is only "choice."

[TrishaLake]

I sometimes have thoughts too...best thing to do..

- Think of the outcome ...it is never as good as the one you love
- Imagine your wife finding out...noy good
- avoid the place like an alcoholic avoids a bar
- get some therapy time to find out why and how to deal with it.

[Lori Kurtz]

I may end up having to dress down and just make sure I'm up front with the ladies that I'm married. Difficult when your so called safe place contains this.

Sounds like you know that there is a risk there and that you are vulnerable to it. And it sounds like you really value your marriage, too. Maybe your "safe place" is not really so safe after all. I'd suggest that you think carefully about how much risk you want to subject yourself to, and make your decisions accordingly about how much time to spend where. I hope you can find a way to find pleasure and satisfaction and fulfillment without harming a good marriage.

[Ezekiel]

That's just crap. There is no such thing as "chance" it is only "choice."

Can't agree more.

Just control yourself, sex is nothing more than impulse, maybe you have impulse control problems?

If you are loyal to your wife you should not have these kind of temptations blur your sense.

[Sara Jessica]

30 hours per week away from your family??? Must be a really rad gender center.

[St. Eve]

Ok, so this may be way out there for this forum, but it is just sharing my experience, it may not be relevant for you at all....

I am just coming out as a CDer and some form of gender fluidness. This whole process has only been possible for me because I spent several years in a 12 step program getting sober from lust, fantasy, and compulsive masturbation. So much of my cross-dressing and gender issues were wrapped up in decades of lust, arousal, and fantasy. I had to work very diligently for a few years before my obsessive, habitually neurology released me from HAVING to pursue fantasy and arousal and potentially risk my relationships and career just to serve my drug. Today, I still have arousal associated with dressing, but it does not lead to fantasy or masturbation and I do not have shame hangovers.

If you really can not be around other people without being in danger of having an affair that you really don't want to have, then it may be useful to consider you have a big issue asside from gender!!

I have only been on the forum for a couple months and it seems that this topic is either avoided or taboo so I will stop here. If it resonates with you, or you want more information you can PM me.

I support you in keeping your marriage monogamous AND having a safe place to explore the TG experience.

Just my 2 cents. I do have great compassion for seemingly overwhelming waves of lust / fantasy that feel out of control.

Peace
Eve

[Tracii G]

If you are married and love your wife none of that should happen and you know that.
It sounds like you are trying to find an excuse to give in do the deed and ask for forgiveness later.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Aleca, I'm still trying to figure out why you are spending so much time at a Trans. Ctr. .:daydreaming:

[Jodi]

Aleca, I think it's time that you grow up and quit acting like a teenager in heat. Adults have inhibitions and know how to apply these inhibitions. If you can't deal with the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

Jodi

[Katey888]

Aleca, as you probably realised by now, your post has triggered the 'moralise not support' mode of many here as the idea of unfaithfulness - as Eve has also recognised so quickly - is a bit of a taboo subject... despite half of all marriages failing and evidence to the contrary that extra-marital affairs are widespread - so I'll try to be realistic rather than idealistic in my response...

In fact, Mayo's first response was really succinct and good: this possibly is about you finding others that are sympathetic and intimately understanding with how you're feeling - whether you decide to follow through on those feelings (assuming you're given an opportunity) is really down to you and whether you're prepared to bear the implications of your actions. You are clearly a grown-up, and even grown-ups can succumb to temptation... I know I have... but you have to take responsibility for what you do... :)

Katey x

[Ezekiel]

Aleca, as you probably realised by now, your post has triggered the 'moralise not support' mode of many here as the idea of unfaithfulness - as Eve has also recognised so quickly - is a bit of a taboo subject... despite half of all marriages failing and evidence to the contrary that extra-marital affairs are widespread - so I'll try to be realistic rather than idealistic in my response...


Okay, you are right that many here found the thread a little strange (myself included I must admit), and we all reacted to that a bit defensively, given what we consider basic principles of a relationship.

Speaking for myself here (and probably many will agree with me), my perception of marriage is one that is founded on loyalty, honesty and reciprocation. If your marriage wasn't based on permitting both individuals engaged in it to have extra-marital affairs, and one of them ends up having such affair, then that is called cheating, as we all know.

A marriage where both partners are understood to be loyal to each other, whether sexually or in any other area (because loyalty means much more than that), and one breaks that loyalty and betrays their partner, then that marriage is bound to fail.

Basically and in simpler words, if you do betray your partner in such a way (extra-marital affair), well, then you will not be in a position to demand honesty and loyalty anymore from your spouse, because you failed her once and its your responsibility.

Think two times, even three or four if need be, before doing something. If you have self control problems as I stated in the first post, maybe you should think on checking them...

If you don't want to be bound yourself to such rules, maybe marriage where this mutual accordance of loyalty is not for you?

My opinion, and its all I can advice here.

[ReineD]

I like what Katey said, "moralize vs support". Let me add another category which is my preference: analyze. lol. Objective analysis sometimes helps a person determine how they want to proceed in a particular situation.

So.


If you and your wife agree to be monogamous (or if she is monogamous and she believes that you are as well), then don't do it. If you find it difficult to control yourself then you might consider removing yourself from that environment.


If you and your wife have an understanding that it's OK to explore sexuality outside the marriage, then go for it.




But.

Your experience is striking in that it reinforces just how sexual is the cross-gender or cross-sex expression for some people. You are not the only member who has expressed similar feelings. And being the analytical person I am, I wonder what percentage of the CDing population share your sentiments.

Not being male, I wonder if non-crossdressing males are, on average, as triggered when in rooms full of GGs (for example at work, or in a social environment such as a friendly block party), as you are with all the CDers and TSs at the trans center. Does the average male go into these work and social situations feeling as if their chance of extramarital affairs are high as well, due to all the temptations? This part of it is a huge mystery to me. But, if I am to compare myself in a similar situation to what I think is an average guy's reactions, I would say that in a room full of people, I might be drawn to one person particularly but only if there is a person in that room with whom I feel "chemistry". There isn't always, or rather, there is rarely since very few people can compare to my SO in my eyes. But, that's me, plus I'm not a male so I may be completely not understanding of the average male in situations like this.

Anyway, good luck with your struggles on finding the right thing to do. You'll need to decide your priorities if you and your wife have an agreement to be monogamous, or if your sexuality has the potential to impact your life negatively (divorce for example), then you might consider looking into why you are triggered to the degree that you are.

[Shelly Preston]

I don't think it matters where you are. There will always be times when lust can influence people.

The problem is what you choose to do about it. I would suggest most who are married(or in a committed relationship) know where to stop because they love there partner.

Actions can have consequences but only you can decide what you want to do.

[AllieSF]

Again, Ezekiel, thank you for your fine definition of what is right and wrong. You admit to maybe being a bit defensive and then you continue with the original moral/immoral post theme. I am not one to condone being unfaithful in a marriage, but as Katey pointed out half of all marriages, at least in the USA, fail for a lot of reasons, one being infidelity, which in itself can have a lot of reasons why. Now Aleca came here to admit that she is struggling and gets all the fine moral reasons that she is already wrong for admitting to worrying about it. You notice that she has not yet responded, maybe scared away when she seemed to be asking for some support to fight her thoughts. As to the 30 hours per week maybe she meant 3 hours? Who knows? Maybe she will come back to clarify.

[Ezekiel]

Again, Ezekiel, thank you for your fine definition of what is right and wrong. You admit to maybe being a bit defensive and then you continue with the original moral/immoral post theme.

It is not my intention to sound inquisitive in the least, Allie, and of course not my intention to scare anyone. If this is the effect I managed, well, its my responsibility to say that I am sorry.

I wanted to clarify my first post and develop it more with a second one, thats why it looks to be more of the same, but I do not want to sound like I'm being morally superior to anyone here.
All I wanted to point out is what I think this reactions and impulses the OP is having, talk a little about what her actions might end up being, and all I'm doing is warning her of how negatively that might be for her marriage.

And to you Aleca, I am not judging you, don't misunderstand me, plus you haven't acted upon such impulses yet am I correct? All I'm saying is that you should think about why are you having these impulses and how to manage them before doing something you might regret.
Afterall, a marriage, whether monogamous or not, is a compromise on various terms, and I want to clarify that my intention is to call of a self analysis, Aleca.

To further help you, which is what we should and you want us to do, I have a question.

If you are feeling this impulses, and as you say its because everybody is so understanding and so similar to you (other TG people), could that be because your wife does not manage well the fact you are a crossdresser? DADT situation perhaps? Whats her attitude towards this?

[CarlaWestin]

Quote Originally Posted by Aleca
"...the chance and fear of having an extramarital affair is very high. ..."


That's just crap. There is no such thing as "chance" it is only "choice."

JAH, you hit it right on the money. If I were approached by a transman that proclaimed, "You're just the person I've been looking for my whole life. I'm independently wealthy and I want you to be my submissive girlfriend and life partner" I could only reply that, although very flattered, I'm already dedicated to my wife.

[Melanie 0339]

Maybe the attraction/desire is because your in a place surrounded by like minded individuals, where everyone knows exactly what and who you are so your more at ease, maybe you do have an impulse problem which is why your concerned about having an affair, a normal course of action would be to remove your self from being in that kind of situation. I have found myself at times being attracted to some CD/TG but being married to a loving wife these are just fantasies and that's what they shall remain. Choosing to have an affair be it with man/woman is exactly that a choice it sounds from your post that it isn't a choice but almost a forgone conclusion of enivitabitly, then maybe you should take a step back and reevaluate your situation. Hope you come to some sort of conclusion soon xxx

[Aleca]

I see a lot of posts here, quickly scanned through them. I'm not going to bother reading through the negative posts. People don't respond this much when there's a more positive post. That's the nature of social media. But to the negative and/ or sarcastic ones out there I say, ok, I posted that as an awareness to be careful, to say that publicly, You are angry or jealous at me because I am able to step out of the closet some, at least for right now and you might be upset because it reminds me of some situation you were in very similar, or you were the cheatee in the situation, of which there was probably a problem on your end of the relationship as to justify why things fell apart. We're all human here stupid and nobody is perfect. After a few days of going every day, realization hits, first that everyone's got issues in there, almost everyone has a partner and I'm 53 and ugly and don't have to worry about being hit on.

[Badtranny]

I actually need to be more concerned of me trying not to hit on them. .

You guys seemed to have missed this.

I understand that most CD's are deeply closeted so let me just put something on the record. THESE CENTERS ARE NOT SEXUALLY CHARGED.

What is a lot more likely is that there are a few younger gals there that are cute as hell, and Ms Aleca finds herself attracted to them. I'm reminded of an incident a couple of years ago when I agreed to meet a CD from this forum and it raised a bunch of CD eyebrows because the CD's wife was also a member and a couple of CD's sent the wife PM's saying that I was up to no good. It was quite the mini scandal that I met this CD for a beer on my way home from work one day.

Let me tell you what it looked like from my side; I met a dude who CD's for a beer on my way home from work one day. That's about the same amount of sex that's going on at Aleca's Trans Center.

[Aleca]

Perhaps if you spent some of those 30 hours with your wife, it would be easier.
Your comment is well taken. You might be jealous because I have been able to get out of the closet this much. My wife has been out of town three months and that will make anyone, even you, hungry for intimacy.

[Jenniferathome]

... or you were the cheatee in the situation, of which there was probably a problem on your end of the relationship as to justify why things fell apart. ...

Do you read your own posts? So you are the "cheater" and your wife is the "cheatee" so, by the transitive property from your own writing, there is a problem in your relationship. And to that I can only comment: Duh!

[audreyinalbany]

Maybe somebody ought to close this thread????? Seems like its getting a little catty in here...

[Aleca]

Do you read your own posts? So you are the "cheater" and your wife is the "cheatee" so, by the transitive property from your own writing, there is a problem in your relationship. And to that I can only comment: Duh!
Well, usually it takes one to know one, meaning you've probably been through something similar. For why else would you complain? My apologies if I raised some ptsd issues.

[Aleca]

Maybe somebody ought to close this thread????? Seems like its getting a little catty in here...
You're right.

[Katey888]

Well I was just going to pointedly remind folk of their manners but given the OP's agreement that we're nudging closure, I'll just call time on it...

Thread closed.

Katey
Moderator