Doing my best to tell my truth as I know it....

[St. Eve]

Hi y'all

As I get closer to 50 (just turned 49 recently) I find it is more and more important to risk sharing my truth as honestly as I can. I know that the process of coming out over the last few months is in line with trying to share my truth. So, I just simply share a bit of my experience and hope it resonates with some of you.

This is a bit of a long post, and, if you make it through, I would be interested in any feedback you may have - whether it matches my experience or not.

My crossdressing had been all mixed in with sexual obsession since at least the age of 8 or 9. I am just beginning to understand the obsession and compulsion to cross-dress and express the part of me that feels female as separate and distinct from my sexuality / lust / arousal.

My short story is that I spent more than 30 years mixing fantasy, arousal, masturbation and pornography with my crossdressing. I also only wore clothes that I borrowed without permission, took from my wife's goodwill pile, or found in laundromats or gyms. I spent a lot of time with secrets and deep shame. Through a long process of healing I ended up in S-Recovery (recovery for sexual compulsion / addiction) and came to recognize that arousal and fantasy and emotional dependency in my relationships is an addiction for me. It is the way I learned to cope with life - my drug of choice. I have been sexually sober (no sex with self, extremely limited sexual fantasy, and choiceful reduction in pursuing lust and arousal) for more than 6 years during which time I gave up my clothes and crossdressing. Then, my wife and I watched the Bruce Jenner interview together and, long story short, that cascaded into the recognition for both of us that my CDing and gender issues were much more than just part of my sex / lust addiction....In my first session with a gender therapist, she suggested that my sex addiction / compulsion may have even been the result of my gender issues....that kind of rocked my world...I am still working on that one.

So, in the last few months, with the help of a therapist and my closest friends, I have been coming out as some kind of gender fluid that includes finding a way to express the female self in me that includes CDing. I am still pretty obsessed, but it is no longer a secret and I am accountable for my actions and my time, and I am holding integrity to the agreements that I make with my spouse and my therapist. And, honestly, I have an obsessing brain.

I have stated that my intention is to find out one of the following 3 things:

1) this whole thing is just part of my cunning, baffling, and powerful obsession and compulsion around gender and sexuality and the best thing for me to do is to let go of all crossdressing and learn to express the truth of who I am and get my needs met as a male person expressing maleness into the world
2) I am truly gender fluid, but I can not safely express my gender fluid nature because of my past obsession and compulsion with lust, fantasy, women's clothing etc. and so I will put it all on a shelf for my own health and the health of my marriage and community.
3) I am truly gender fluid and dressing as a women, as part of the true expression of my real being, becomes a way of setting the true me free. I gain peace and acceptance and feel free from decades of bondage and shame and secrecy.....I am happy like the picture I just posted yesterday in the picture galleries:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?231546-First-time-with-wig-and-fully-dressed-I-cried-at-first-then-smiled-VERY-big

I am doing my best to be open to the truth of whatever is most true for me, and, I am trying to do it with help instead of alone, secretly and ashamed.
I am grateful to read that for many of you the intensity of the obsession changes at some point when there is fulfillment of the expression. I also know that has different outcomes based on whether you self identify as TG or CD or some kind of gender fluid.

Thanks for the space time and forum to write this out....
Peace
Eve

[kimdl93]

I read through the entire post and I am persuaded that the answer to your past sexual addictive behaviors may well have been rooted in your repressed gender identity, just as your therapist suggested. We often grow up thinking that sex itself is somehow bad and having a gender identity that varies from our sex organs is even worse. Then in adolescence we muddle emerging sexuality with emerging gender identity. It's no wonder the two get mixed up, even though they are separately wired into our brains.

It's perfectly understandable that feeling forced to hide and deny ones core gender identity can leads to pain. And sex, which may be used as a backdoor method of finding expression for gender, also can become a tool for easing the pain of hiding and denial. One might hope that by addressing your gender identity in a constructive manner, you might also. Be able to enjoy sensuality in a non destructive manner. Time and effort will make the difference.

[pamela7]

While my personal experience is different, I can understand how this can be true for you. Having working with a sex addict to transcend fully their compulsion (and with many other addict types), I know any addiction has a purpose, which when satisfied, can end the addiction. This is unique to each person, but for sure, attaining one with the female self is realisable through these means. I wish you luck on your journey.

[Katey888]

Phew! :clap:

I read that earlier today and again now when I've had a further opportunity to recognise a lot of what I've passed through too... just different by degrees (eg. not so obsessive) and without the help of a gender therapist. Can I say that is bravely open and honest of you to share that, and more so, to have accepted those things about yourself. I think I've been fortunate in one way of being able to manage the intensity and drive, but not fortunate in others, like taking so long (too long?) to understand that this is symptomatic of a condition related to my gender compass rather than a more simplistic need to 'just' crossdress... That has never really held water for me...

I have to say you're shedding new light on this for me - and don't be dismayed by the relatively low response rate... I have a number of theories about why that is for posts like yours (and probably best not to share them in public... ;)) - but one of them is that truth is hard to accept, particularly when humans can build such walls around beliefs that make them feel better even when reality may be staring them in the face... Cognitive dissonance, I believe, is a powerful force... :)

I look forward to seeing how things develop and progress for you now - I hope you don't mind me believing it will be interesting... :thinking:

Katey x

[Gabby6790]

Thank you for posting this. I too am trying to figure a lot of these things out especially the dressing/sexual connection.

I think I used to really believe that the reason I dressed was for the sexual kick I received. As, I have been going more fully dressed and working on my transition to a "passable woman" I beginning to feel less of the sexual kick and more of the "just feel right" when dressed.

I do have some pretty intense fantasies that I don't really think I will ever be interested in IRL. I think they are just fulfilling a need since I cannot express my feminine side on a regular basis.

Now, the big question I still have is whether dressing and being intimate with my wife is still on the table. Honestly, I have fantasized about it forever but now as sexuality and dressing are seperating themselves outside the bedroom I wonder if I had acceptance and could dress regularly would I still have those fantasies.