Starting a conversation with my wife

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

Today is the day I finally open up to my wife about being gender fluid. I wrote her a letter trying to explain how I feel about myself and what I've been learning and doing over these past six months. I honestly don't know how it is going to work out, but I know that I can't keep this information to myself any longer. I'll post updates as things progress. Thanks for all the support everyone has given to me. I may need a lot more of it in the days ahead.

Bridget

[IamWren]

Good luck Bridget Ann. I hope things work out for the both of you. As someone who is way far in the back of the closet with her CDing, I can't imagine the emotions you're feeling leading up to this.

I don't what else to say. Just... I hope it goes well. (((hugs)))

[AllieSF]

Good luck and make sure that you tie in a good conversation with that written word. Even better would be to give it to her, let her read it and then discuss it. Getting it through the mail or left on the table top may be interpreted differently from being handed to her by you. Again, best of luck with this big step.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Bridget, you are very smart , articulate & expressive. You have been waiting on the sidelines, for many months, weighing your options. The need to be & present Bridgett is now. Good luck on your talk& please post as to the post talk reality. You deserve inner peace, mel

[heatherdress]

Good luck Bridget. Maybe this process will deepen your feelings for each other. Perhaps you can become even more intimate with your thoughts and feelings. Take your time. Again, good luck.

[Suzie Petersen]

Good luck!
You know where to find me if you need to talk.

Hugs
Suzie

[mykell]

IDN, living in area of new york an all that this date means ?? dont know where youre from but here we have town services we attend and its a fairly memorable date, but if it goes either way the day will have a mixed meaning or double meaning, i doubt my wife knows the exact day i told her , maybe in the morning, i did the saturday morning thing so she could unwind from her buttheaded company she worked for then, but she had the rest of the weekend to cope with the new information before she re-entered the rat race again....

BUT i wish you well with the endeavor she may her need space after so give way....i filled the void doing things from my to-do list, manly man stuff.... and we have football back...

good luck !!

[Katey888]

Bridget - you strike me as being balanced and reasonable and as good a person as you can be... of course you have my (remote) support and very best wishes... we're here for you whatever transpires... :hugs:

Keep Calm & Carry On! :cheer:

Katey x

[ReineD]

Good luck Bridget! I hope that all goes beyond your expectations.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Bridget,
Just remember that she's bound to ask the usual questions, and those are the easy ones to answer.
Just be open and honest with her, let her absorb the information, and keep communicating.
Best of luck to you!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[jenniferinsf]

bridget

i did that a month ago..and while it has been difficult/awkward my wife and grown kids have been wonderful...i wish you all the joy that i found

jennifer

[Ally 2112]

I hope all the best Briget .Be honest and do not move to fast and keep the comunication open !

[Kandi Robbins]

Best of luck! I was lucky that it went well for me. The relief associated with getting the secret out was unbelievable.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Bridget I wish you well and lots of luck.:hugs:

See line #3 in my signature,:hugs:

[justmetoo]

Best wishes, Bridget!

[MissTee]

Good luck, Bridget. Hoping you find lots of understanding in your conversation.

[Jennie2]

Good Luck Bridget, I can't offer advice as I haven't got there yet, but I know what you are going through.
Hugs:)

[Gabby6790]

Good luck, I hope it goes well for you. I am sure I will be feeling your sort of stress once I work up the balls to do it (well that isn't very femine but it is true).

[Jazzy Jaz]

Good luck bridget, hope all goes well!

[Marcelle]

Hi Bridget,

Good luck and we are all here for you.

Isha

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

Ok, not much to actually report yet. She read the letter but has asked for time to process it. Today should be a long day since we won't be able to have a conversation until after our kids go to bed. Her attitude, though, is not negative in any way. I always know when she is angry or upset, and I'm not getting anything along those lines. I suppose it helps that this is not the first time I've tried to bring up the subject. We had a conversation about my desire to CD about five years ago. That one resulted in my repressing my feminine identity, but I thought the whole event was a minor blip brought on by stress, so I acquiesced to her wishes.

In the letter I have explained to her about how transgender is a spectrum condition and what being gender fluid means to me. I explained how I got to this point, and how I am using my online persona as an outlet in place of dressing. I know my wife well enough to know she will not be party to a DADT arrangement, and I'm too honest of a person to go around behind her back. Being the cyber girl is the best I can hope for, an I'm ok with that. Some of you might think that's really strange, but as long as the part of me that is Bridget can have her own identity I'm content. My whole point in this exercise is to simply be open and honest with my wife because that's how a marriage is supposed to work.

Thanks for all of the support so far. I'll post another update after we've had a chance to talk.

Bridget

[bridget thronton]

Hope the conversation goes well - you are off tobacco good start

[mykell]

sounds pretty promising to me, she just needs some space to digest the information, just be honest and i think you will be good....wishing you both well....

[Candice June Lee]

I have done the d same as you have. The best supportive thing I can say, don't push her. If she is accepting but not yet comfortable, let her adjust. Things will come around and be ok if you do. My wife and I go shopping quite regularly now. But things are still new and as time goes by the more accepting and supportive she has become supportive. This to can work for you if you accept her issues as she had to accept yours. Be comforting and supportive to her as well.
Best of luck dear.

[Sexy_Stephanie]

It's such a freeing moment when you finally tell you SO about it. I was fourth are mine is pan sexual but even still it can take a lot of time for them to really become comfortable with it

[Teresa]

Bridget,
I went a stage further, initially I wrote it all down along with a sheet spread out as a gender line from male to female it proved a useful way of working out where I am using the categories we all recognise. In the process I realised the way my CDing started needed a separate sheet, my counsellor said it was an usual situation and was going to confer with her team to get their views. It was my own assessment and asked my counsellor for her thoughts and how far off the mark I was, she basically said it made perfect sense and thanked me for writing it all down, she now has it on file.
So now I had some thing I could show my wife that explained it all without recriminations , just facts . She read the summary sheet and then we talked, it was obvious that her acceptance level fell short of where I am now, she may have been thinking how much she would have to accept for us to live with my CDing. It was time to be truthful to each other and decide if we would both be happier separating, it's not that we don't still love each other . She needs me taken out of her worry zone and I need to find a balance in my life ,staying together is not helping either of us.

[Brenda Freeman]

I started with a letter I finally got the nerve to sign up for a crossdressing week long event and I was not going to lie about it. I asked if she would read the letter I sat with her. I then asked if she had questions and told her I was the same person and it was just crossdressing. She looked stunned we did not speak much for a couple days,. She finally told me if it makes me happy I should go.(she knows I had been miserable but did not know why). I knew my wife well and suspected she would accept at some level but was not sure. We talked and agreed on who should and should not know and when I could, we were both in total agreement on this. Her biggest fear was losing what we have and what was next, I have assured her just crossdressing. It has been 10 years since that time and we are more comfortable than ever she prefers not to see me dressed but has on occasion and has even complimented me on my looks. We talk about clothes and fashion, I am so lucky but I knew she was special kind and open when we married over thirty years ago. I wish you the best on working out the details, Trust and honesty is so important in a relationship, I emphasized that when I told her I had to go to that event for my sanity and would never do anything to hurt her.

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

Once again thanks to everyone who has replied with encouragement and shared their own experiences. That's the thing I love about this place. We all have so much to share with one another.

To the point. We had our conversation last night and it went as well as I could have hoped for. She wrote me a letter earlier in the day detailing how upset she was with me for not bringing her into this sooner. I'm afraid I just didn't give her credit enough to deal with my issues with the understanding and compassion she has always shown when the subject of my CDing has come up. Properly chastised I made a formal apology and we were able to move on from there. We talked about how my sense of gender is something I really can't control, but I also explained that deep down I like my feminine side. She explained that her biggest fears were that even a small amount of female expression could put me on a slippery slope to needing to present more frequently, and she could not handle something like that, but she also understood that trying to repress everything was not going to be helpful to me. We agreed that limiting my female self to cyberspace, which I mostly do here on the forum, is a reasonable course of action. This approach actually works for me. To me the bigger issue has always been to have some means of expressing my feminine identity to the rest of the world. It doesn't necessarily have to involve making a physical transformation. In all honesty, to be able to avoid all of the time consuming effort needed to affect and maintain myself in female form is something of a relief. It takes a lot of work for me to become pretty. She also expressed a concern how any knowledge of my gender fluid nature could be used against me professionally. I agreed that allowing general knowledge of my gender identity would not be productive at work (I'm a community college professor), but as I do work in public education in a state that has strong anti-discrimination laws I doubt anyone could cost me my job and get a way with it. My bigger concern is the effect knowledge about me could be used against my kids, especially by their peers. For those reasons I agreed that any form of dressing is simply not a course of action I can take. Now some of you might think I'm kidding myself to think I can accept myself as gender fluid and not give in to the desire to dress, but it has been 18 years since I have been en femme, so I'm pretty sure I can keep going this way.

So to sum up, everything went the way I hoped and expected it would. The most important person in my life knows how I feel about myself, she accepts it for what it is, but wants me to keep it under strong check for the sake of our marriage and family. For my part I'm willing to live with the restrictions as they still allow some means of being who I am. My gender identity is an important aspect of who I am, but it is not the sum total of me. I feel I can now get back to engaging in all aspects of my life.

Love and Hugs to you all,
Bridget

[mykell]

wonderful that you have everything worked out and have a good line of communication and found common ground with your relationship....

[ReineD]

I'm glad that you and your wife worked it out to both your satisfaction.

And if anyone thinks you are kidding yourself, you can remind them that each person is different, each couple has a different dynamic, each balancing point is different, and each balancing point is valid for that couple.

[Katey888]

Sounds like you've found a happy, harmonious place to be, Bridget... :cheer:

I believe you're fortunate in that your cyber-side can be enough of an outlet for you - I get the feeling that this may be something to do with how we are as individuals intellectually and creatively, and whether we can find the extent of expression that we need. I hope you can be satisfied with this - I know it helps me a lot but I still have times when I just crave a full transform and the immersion in the feeling... Not to make you feel the urge at all... ;)

Look forward to seeing more of Cyber-Bridget around... :D

Katey x

[Suzie Petersen]

Good for you Bridget! I am glad to hear you had a positive talk and that all apparently is calm right now.

I tried many times, but was never successful.

Hugs
Suzie

[Tina_gm]

Kudos to you Bridgett. I am in some ways in a similar situation as you. I do dress, not a lot, not fully anyway. More important then the clothes I wear is the person I am. I do not ever say I am female, feel like one, identify as one.... It is simply feminine is a part of my core. Wearing girl clothes is nice, relaxing, comforting when I do it, but it changes nothing for me, it is just a way to relax, far healthier than alcohol, or other vices. I can still be me, regardless of the clothes I am wearing, which is most important of all.