Left Feeling Numb

[Shads_Firehawk]

I have been pondering on this post for more than hour, trying to get the words to make sense. So here goes.

Firstly if this in the wrong section, I apologize. I wasn't sure where to post it.

I have not been diagnosed with GD but have felt I never fitted in on this planet as a biological male. I am not unhappy with what I have downstairs but I am unhappy with what I feel in my head and heart. Anyway I have been banging my head on the wall for 30 years with depression and recently a form of OCD and have just finished 18 sessions of therapy for this. It has helped somewhat but I am still left feeling why am I bothering to live. I am not happy as a male and have never considered myself a man. 3 days ago it got so bad I thought there was only one way to fix this, a bottle of vodka and a lot of pills.

I found myself reaching for the phone and called Samaritans. The lady I spoke with was understanding and helped as I am still here. But at the end of the call she said I was in intelligent bloke and that I would figure it out. I cringed and shook my head. Her reply was that if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, guess what, it's a duck. This left me totally numb. I hung up after thanking her for her time. I am still trying to wrap my head around it all.

[Sandra]

I'm sure some of the other ladies will post more, but personally I think your need to go see your Dr talk to them and ask to see a therapist. Just remember we are here for you.

[Stephania]

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that what you wrote rang pretty true to me. I finally made my decision in December 2013, and started hormones and went 24/7 in January 2014. I had felt that if I didn't do something about the dysphoria, I was not going to be alive. I know it's a hard decision, one of the hardest in your life, but if you need to do it, it will also be the best decision you will ever make. Good luck, and I know in the end you will make the right decision for you.

[Shads_Firehawk]

I was diagnosed with agrophobia, OCD, anxiety and depression, but never Dysphoria. I asked my therapist about this during 1 of my sessions a few months and she dismissed it. It could be some deep rooted depression. My late mother had manic depression long before I was born that continued right up until her death in 2002 and was on Lithium. It could be genetic, I don't know.

What I do know is when growing up and playing with the other children, I always preferred the girls rather than the boys although I did not feel like a girl. I just did fit in with the boys. Even later, trying to hang out and be one of the "guys" felt alien to me. I couldn't hang out and be one of the girls without feeling I was creepy etc. Then I just started to avoid being around others altogether, hiding from the world because no matter what I feel fake.

Going through the rest of my life heading in the same direction I was pointed in from the moment I was born with M on the birth certificate and always feeling this way is not an option for me. Likewise, taking another route that may be right road, fills me with dread. Sorry if I am rambling but it's weighing heavily on my shoulder.

I had a chance to talk to my Dr 30 years ago about this and chickened out for several reasons.

[Stephania]

I understand about chickening out. I was 55 when I finally came out. I had struggled thru out my life, feeling fake, etc. etc. I just got to a point where I had to do something about it. I probably would not be here if I hadn't come out. Don't get me wrong, I still have depression pretty bad, but it did get the not feeling authentic and who I was supposed to be out of my mind finally. Like I said before, you will know if it is the right decision. And please utilize suicide hotlines if you need to. Preferably a trans hotline if you have one in England. PS I still have suicidal thoughts with the depression I have, and I don't think that will ever go away, as the depression is not linked to my gender problems.

[Rianna Humble]

I was diagnosed with agrophobia, OCD, anxiety and depression, but never Dysphoria.

Were any of those offering you diagnoses qualified in the realm of Gender Identity?


I asked my therapist about this during 1 of my sessions a few months and she dismissed it.

Same thing with your therapist, unless she has experience dealing with gender issues, then that will be outside of her normal thinking.

Don't wait for someone to hand you a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria (the likelihood is extremely small), find a therapist who has experience and let him/her guide you to ask yourself the right questions.


I had a chance to talk to my Dr 30 years ago about this and chickened out for several reasons.

Just because we chickened out of a situation half a lifetime ago does not mean that we can never act on it in later life.