Wife leaving me. Need advice.

[gailbridges]

Hi, I'm Gail and I'm a crossdresser.

My wife has been acting weird lately. For the last couple of weeks, she'd been staying out all day and later into the evening. She was with her sister and best friend. My spidey senses were tingling, but I had no concrete proof that something was up.

This morning she was gone again, and for some reason I thought to look at our bank account online.... She took roughly 50% of our cash on hand.

I called her, and asked whats up. "I'm about 2 minutes from home. I'll talk to you then." So I go outside to talk to her, and the first to pull up is her dad, then her, then her sister, and then her male cousin. (I think they might have been afraid I was going to get violent with her, which is SO not my M.O.)
Anyway, I get in the car with her, she says she's leaving me.
I'm calm.
Why?
"It's all the stress, and the heat." (background: She has Multiple Sclerosis. Stress, heat, MS, do NOT get along. Plus, she had a (mild) heart attack and seizure last year and had to stop working. Her Disability has run out. As for me, I've been unemployed since January 6 and my unemployment ran out a few weeks ago). We've divested some investments to live on, and I am feverishly looking for work. So that's where we are.

Sitting in the car, I asked her, "Is this a separation, or divorce?" She says Divorce.

There is no doubt that we've been unhappy the last 9 months or more (well, actually add 6 months to that since she had her heart attack), but to me, better times are only a new job away.

There's a lot more to this, but I won't bore you with extraneous details, except to say that I know her sister's tentacles are all over this.

Here's where I'm worried. My wife knows about my hobby (but eventually came to a place of not wanting to know, y'know? And just so you know... She never actually saw Gail. Neither of us wanted that. I have always kept my activities out of her way.). I told her about my hobby after the first time we made love. She also told me that day that she had MS. (Offsetting Penalties, no?)
Up till now, I believe she has kept my secret to herself. BUT I'm worried that she told her sister, and that they will try and use my secret as leverage in a divorce and custody.
Kids are 17 and 15, and I KNOW they prefer staying with me. A previously divorced friend has told me that since the kids are older that the California courts would let THEM decide where they want to live. So I'm not so much worried about that, but since the kids don't know my secret, I would hate to see them dragged through something that will not do anyone any good. I hate being vulnerable like this.

Her MS had gotten worse in the last few years. Mostly her issues are cognitive, and less physical. Compared to many other MS patients, she's actually in quite good shape. Except, as I said, for the cognitive functions of her brain. She is easily persuaded, and focuses on insignificant details rather than the big picture of things. The big picture here is that I think this will put an even bigger wedge between her and our daughter. And will not do my son any good either. (side note: my 17 year old daughter doesn't even know any of this right now. She is on a high school retreat, and won't get back until early tomorrow afternoon. Unfortunately, she is going to come home tomorrow and BAM, Mom's gone!)
She truly is not making good decisions, and getting worse advice. (Does it surprise you to know that her sister and I don't get along?)

As for me, I've been blind-sided. There were no discussions about her getting away from the house, me, the kids, for a while. She sees a therapist. There were no requests that I go with her and we work things out. Just BAM, I'm leaving you, and it's going to be divorce.

Your thoughts are appreciated.

[Laura28]

Hi Gail, sorry to hear about your wife leaving. It must be tough having to go through it with even any notice. I don't really have any advice as I am married . However my oldest is going through a divorce right now. I see you are in the Inland empire as we are as well. I would suggest you speak to a lawyer ASAP so you at least know your rights, our hobby isn't really a factor other then her outing you, which would be a terrible thing for someone to do. I truly hope it works out for you. Laura

[Lori Kurtz]

I agree with Laura28 ... talk to a lawyer. And I think you should tell him or her about your crossdressing, so that if that fact about you gets used against you, your lawyer won't be blindsided. He/she will keep it confidential otherwise.

Apparently your wife's mind is made up, and whether family pressure took advantage of her condition or not doesn't matter. You need to take care of yourself, treating your wife fairly and insisting on fair treatment from her.

[Terri Andrews]

I am sorry to hear of you struggles .
I was in the same position 25 years ago and my ex told anyone that would listen about me being TG , including our Sons .
I went to a lawyer and he said that me being TG had nothing to do with any settlement .

My Sons never mentioned it again,not sure that is good , and the people I worked with were a little cool for awhile ,but then things were fine and 25 years later not many care.

[heatherdress]

First, sorry for all you have faced. You will get through this, but you need help.

See a therapist ASAP. Find a good lawyer. Seek out trusted friends. Stay close to your children. Stay healthy. Work out. Keep your faith. Believe in yourself. Continue to look for employment. Don't worry about your crossdressing - there is nothing you can do about it anyway. Try to approach the divorce in an amicable manner. Seems like your wife is in much worse shape than you and should not be looking for a fight. I would also be concerned about your bank account if she took 50% already.

Good luck. You will get through this.

[Aleca]

I too would talk to a therapist. If you can't afford one, talk to someone on your local crisis hotlines. Someone who will listen, let you vent, work next with the attorney and yeah, if you think the crossdressing is an issue talk about it, with the therapist, even the attorney. Next thing I would do, stay off social media, Facebook, etc ....even this site. Reason being you probably can't think very clearly right now and if you can't think with a clear head, you can't write with one, end up saying the wrong thing and someone could give you wrongful advice or upset you and feel worse. Write down your thoughts, your pros and cons, negative and positive on paper or even websites where you can do same. Use the internet only for local information of mental health services and/ or attorney information, or emails but I would again stay away from social media for a while.

[L'eggs n' heels]

Hang in there and be strong. The courts in California are always biased against the Husband. I know, I was there a few years ago, but not nearly as bad as what you got in going on. My heart goes out to you.

[kimdl93]

My advice is simple. Take care of your interests. First and foremost , get a job as that will help your future in order regardless. Then, don't fight too hard about custody. Kids are not something to fight about. Just let them know you're ther for the,, no matter what!

[RADER]

Hi Gail;
I have been down the same Road as you are on with my first wife.
She started listing to all her friends and relatives about this Divorce
thing, so like you, she blind sided me also. I had just built us a home,
Have a Mortgage, so she goes out and buys a new car, drains the bank
account, leaving me about 30% of the original amount, Then runs up
a big Credit Card balance.
GET A Lawyer, I am not sure of the laws in your country, but in the States
back a long time ago, I was up the tree with out a paddle.
We where divorced, Was paying off all the bills and giving her child support,
and not even having any money for food.
My folks let me dine with them a few days a week for over 4 years, until
I could start seeing my head come out of the water.
If I had a Lawyer from the start, She would have been liable for some of the bills.
Good Luck...... I know it is hard, but it is just best to walk away.
You will see in the long run that it was best.
Rader

[IamWren]

Gail, I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. I echo what everyone above has said having been through a divorce (and a really ugly one) that involved my (at the time) very young daughter.

If your sister in-law is whispering in your wife's ear it sounds like this is going to be a steep, uphill fight. It also sounds like your wife has her mind made up.

I wish someone would have given me the advice to liquidate everything. I wish I would have been told that the divorce would become an ugly game of chess where you have to think two and three moves ahead. I wish I would have gotten a lawyer the day that she told me she wanted out.

Another thing I wish someone would have told me was to keep living... keep doing... get up in the morning with a purpose, with things to do. I wish you the very best.

[Robin414]

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation Gail! My advice echos Heather's completely! I've seen a friend go through a similar situation and it's rough, the courts side with the wife but your circumstances are IMHO a little less damaging for you. I'm confident you'll come out OK and when things are bad, they can only get better!

[Sometimes Steffi]

I think you got a lot of good advice from the people above, but I can talk about MS.

My wife has MS, and it was diagnosed over 30 years ago.

She has always had problems with the heat, and the stress causes her to lose it at least once a week.

She is also having cognitive problems that she never had before.

I keep kind of expecting that she will either walk out or kick me out. She knows about my CDing, but it's totally DADT.

In the event divorce comes up, I would tell her that making my CDing public may impact my job, and at my age (62), I'm not likely yo find another. Whatever alimony the courts may order aren't worth anything if I don't have a job to pay alimony. And, I think I could live on a lot less money than she could.

I would also try to force her to get on the social security disability dole. She hasn't been able to work a full 40 hours per week in years, but I didn't want o force her to apply for SSDI, even though there were times that we could have used the extra money.

I guess my advantage is that my daughter is almost 32, but she moved back into the basement a year ago. If we got divorced, I'm not sure if either one of us could afford the house, so darling daughter might have to find her own place.


Her MS had gotten worse in the last few years. Mostly her issues are cognitive, and less physical. Compared to many other MS patients, she's actually in quite good shape. Except, as I said, for the cognitive functions of her brain.

[OCCarly]

I am sorry for your troubles. Now for the disclaimer: What follows is for informational purposes only, and does not constitute legal advice. So here goes:

1) In California, children over 10 years old do get to have a say in which parent they live with, so long as it is for rational reasons such as "I want to stay in the school I am in now and not lose all my friends" and not less mature ones such as "Dad lets me eat pizza and play video games all the time."

2) If you are broke, most California courts have some kind of family law self help centers where you can get help filling out the forms and filing them. Here is San Bernardino County: http://www.sb-court.org/SelfHelp.aspx Here is Riverside County: http://http://www.riverside.courts.ca.gov/selfhelp/self-help.shtml

3) Child support is figured out by a nasty computer software called Dissomaster. You can access a version of it here: https://www.cse.ca.gov/ChildSupport/cse/guidelineCalculator If you are unemployed, the courts will usually impute an income to estimate child support payments, based on your work experience, level of education, and prior record of earning capacity. Usually child support lasts until the later of the child turning 18, finishing high school, or turning 19 without finishing high school.

4) If child support is awarded, it will not last very long for you. However, if the marriage lasted longer than 10 years, the courts usually award spousal support as well, and this could be a problem, given your wife's disability.

5) Do not worry about the crossdressing thing. Gay marriage has been legal here long enough for the family courts to have seen their share of gay divorces, child custody fights, etc. The courts are not supposed to discriminate.

6) Although a lot of family courts do favor mom, this is not true with high school age children. The big question is going to be which parent does a better job of getting them to school functions, events, band practice, football, cheerleading, soccer or whatever, and helping them with their studies, college/vocational prep, etc., and if Mom has a major disability, then she might not be the most effective parent at that.

Hang on to your common sense, be careful, and let us know how things go.

[CarlaWestin]

..........I am not sure of the laws in your country, but in the States..........

That's just too funny to pass up.

Gail, I really feel for you. There's a rough road ahead but, you're heading for resolve of a lot of issues that are a lot of pressure for you now. In the long run you will be much better off. And it is all but impossible for children to stop loving their father. And remember, TG people have just as much rights as anyone.

[StephanieJ]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I've been exactly where you are just a few short years ago. Fortunately, I survived thanks to a lot of support and good advice from our sisters here on this site. My situation is very similar to yours (including the crazy in-laws) only my ex dealt with mental rather than physical health issues.

My ex went about town telling everyone, including our kids, about my CDing. The interesting thing is that all but one or two of my friends said, "so what, I still like you anyway." Even the judge in divorce court flatly dismissed her argument that CD'rs are perverts and should be kept away from the kids.

Like you, our children preferred to stay with me. So fast forward three years and I have full custody of the kids, ages 13 thru 18. She has moved on and is on a fairly self destructive path. I feel bad for her because when she is on her meds, she is a wonderful person.

Being single has it's ups and downs. Sometimes it can be lonely and taking care of kids (even teenagers) by yourself is A LOT of work. On the other hand, I can go out whenever I want and I don't have to answer to anyone. Not sure I will ever marry again, in fact, I have strongly considered transition once the kids are raised... but I digress. I pray your situation turns out well. I guess the only advice I would give at this point is to get a good lawyer and stay off of Facebook!

Hugs,
Stephanie J

[MelanieAnne]

From your post, it doesn't sound like the crossdressing played much of a part in the divorce. It's true, the kids are old enough to decide who they want to live with. It's unlikely she made her decision on short notice. She likely has been thinking about a while. And she probably is getting bad advice from meddling friends and relatives. That she only took half of the cash is a good sign, that she may be somewhat fair minded. Most women take it all! The divorce is probably inevitable. And while it hurts now, you will get over it in time. This would be a good time to explore your crossdressing, and decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. Don't make the mistake of running out and getting involved with someone else right away. And get a lawyer. As for the crossdressing, it's considered within the normal range of male behavior!

[Tracii G]

Get an attorney and spill your guts.
Get everything out in the open to your attorney.
I'm really sorry you are going thru all of this.
I have been blindsided twice myself so I know how that feels.

[Katey888]

Good advice already Gail... :hugs:

I can't add anything but to try to reassure you that many of us have been through this and it is possible to come out the other side - just look after yourself and be prepared to use every resource, friend, support that you can to help you through this. It's a totally crappy thing to have to go through, but if it's happening then best get it over with as quickly as possible. I don't know if this applies to you, but perhaps no longer having a geographical tie (if you were able to move without being accused of abandonment) might improve your employment prospects? Anything is worth thinking about in these circumstances...

Good luck - come back and talk to us if you need to...

Katey x

[NicoleScott]

I would not assume she is being fair minded because she withdrew only half the money. You had to discover she took it. Given this, you should protect your interests and not give her the opportunity to get the rest of it.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

You're either a great actor, or one of the most got-together people on this forum. Your thinking is clear and realistic, you're not wallowing in self pity or playing the blame game - ok the sister is fair game - you see the big picture, and I think you already know the answer to all your own questions. I think you're really here to vent, and god knows that's justified.

Good luck with your job hunt- I imagine you interview well, hope you land something that brings happiness and prosperity.

Your wife's appalling selfishness in leaving home without explaining her decision to your daughter - you don't mention how she handled breaking the news to your son - resonates strongly with me, as my father left home when I was ten and left my mother to break the news to me. I never forgave the p***k, and as you imply, her r/ship with your daughter is going to become all the harder for it.

I definitely think you need to warn both kids about the crossdressing, as they are certainly going to hear all about it soon enough, from one person or another. It's going to be hard for them, but harder still to hear it from a smirking 3rd party.

Oh Gail, I do wish you well, and thanks for sharing this with us.

Hugs, Nikki

[Stephanie47]

On the financial side my advice is to close the joint account and move the remaining 50% of the assets to an individual account. I suspect she already has consulted an attorney since California is a community property state. Thus she is entitled to a 50-50 split of any assets. I would also cancel any joint credit cards. If she has prepared for a marital dissolution, she knows the debts will be argued over. All that is the easy part.

The hard part is the kids. Yes, at their age they can decide with whom they want to decide. With a lack of funds I suspect your wife is going to move in with her father or sister. Eventually the kids are going to find out about the cross dressing. If your kids are mature enough, they will weigh cross dressing against the father you have been for them. I always think about "What if my son and daughter found out about Stephanie?" I'd ask them "What was different about me today than yesterday?"I suspect the cross dressing will be the reason given for the dissolution. It always seems to be the fall back position. A little of blaming it on cross dressing. And, the secretive cross dressing may have been the straw that broke the camel's back. Of course, her illness, unemployment, and, other "ordinary" issues that arise in a marriage may have contributed.

See an attorney. And, fess up to the attorney at to your cross dressing. No attorney wants to be broadsided. The court is only interested in divesting property and debts, and, child support obligations.

[AmandaM]

As others have said, immediately take out the remaining cash, lock down all other accounts, etc. And you may consider changing the locks and putting in storage anything of value. Do it now!

[gailbridges]

Thank you all for your support. It really does mean a lot to me that there is a group of people out there that can empathize.

Wife and I are meeting my daughter soon (who is getting dropped off at her school after a school retreat) to tell her the news.

I already have a call in to an attorney friend who knows a divorce specialist.

Bank accounts and credit cards closing tomorrow. Some today.

House door locks getting changed today.

Nikkilovesdresses, I agree. Some of this is venting. But I've felt a little numb since the news and right now, this community is one of my anchors as well as my friends in the non-gender-aware community.

Thank you all again. Your responses are so very appreciated.
And I hope to still get some input. Any reinforcement to keep me on track is most welcome.

Again, thank you.
Gail

[Bria]

Gail, I'm sorry to hear of your problems, I'll remember you in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[Laurana]

Been in your heels sister.

Except I'm the one with the MS. My ex couldn't handle it and started cheating around on me. What you wear for clothes will have no bearing on how a judge decides things. The judge should(and probably will)talk to the kids in private so they won't even have to be part of the entire process.

Feel free to message me if you want.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Gail, Run don't walk to the nearest attorneys office.:daydreaming:

Please do keep us advised.:hugs:

[MelanieAnne]

I think many of us overplay the crossdressing thing. As another poster posted a while back, their therapist said "it is within the range of normal male behavior"! Instead of unloading this deep, dark, secret, "I am a crossdresser", I think it is better to downplay it and still be honest. Don't bring it up. If asked or confronted with it, just say, "yeah, I've tried it a few times out of curiosity". That is a far better way to handle it than saying "I am a crossdresser, look at all my photos, don't I look great".

[Mollyanne]

Hi Gail, Like all of our "sisters" I know from where you are coming from. My advice is a little different, a bit jaded maybe but good nevertheless. go to the bank and close the existing account and open a new one IN YOUR NAME ONLY!!!!!! Get a detailed statement for when you and the wife had the account as jointly held and WITHOUT ANY UNDO HASTE, SPEAK TO A VERY GOOD LAWYER. They don't come cheap but in the long run it pays to go this route. Let the lawyer do ALL the dirty work and stay out of it. I also would try to get a restraining order against the wife's sister, her father, her mother and everyone and anyone else involved. Be prepared for dirty accusations and everything else that can be said to make you look like the "bad person" Good luck to you.

Molly

[theresa renee]

the supportive side of me:

so much great advice has already been given, so i'll say this - finding work has been hard the last few years, but things are changing! even now, i get more calls back now than i did during any time since 2010. you're going to be fine, i promise!

the matter-of-fact side of me:

you get what you pay for - pay for the best attorney; not the most expensive, but the best one.

also, someone posted about avoiding social media... that is the best advice given in this thread. stay off of facebook, twitter, whatever.

[JeanetteX]

Hi Gail, such a sad story. I have never been married, never had such an experience, so cant give you advice. Just wanted to say good luck girl, I hope things will work out for you soon

[MelanieAnne]

If you haven't filed yet, do it now! If you file, you are the plaintiff, and she is the defendant. In some states it makes a difference. Also if she left you, that is abandonment. My wife left with a long haired pot smoker half her age. Many people think no fault means you split everything in half and go on your merry ways. Wrong! In my state, no fault simply means if one party wants a divorce, no fault needs to be proven and the divorce is pretty much automatic. However, in my state, fault is taken into account in the division of property! And that's a biggie! I wound up with the kids, the house, and the dog.

I went back and read your initial post.

She never actually saw Gail. Neither of us wanted that. I have always kept my activities out of her way.). I told her about my hobby after the first time we made love. She also told me that day that she had MS. (Offsetting Penalties, no?)
Up till now, I believe she has kept my secret to herself. BUT I'm worried that she told her sister, and that they will try and use my secret as leverage in a divorce and custody.

Unless they saw you dressed, it is all hearsay, and irrelevant.

[heatherdress]

Gail - The advise you have received is very good. I also want to add another thought. Your wife is a sick woman - MS, heart attack, seizure. She is probably depressed. That is no excuse for her behavior, but she not a well woman and her health is probably a significant factor that you are probably well aware of. You don't want to fight because it will cost you both a lot of money and you both are unemployed. She needs to avoid stress. It would seem that a mediator would be the best solution - for you both. Probably the children, too. Maybe it is too late, but if she can be reasonable, it might be good to explore that option.

[kimdl93]

I think this is an excellent idea. The very best thing you can do is to keep cool, do nothing to escalate hostilities and seek a humane and reasonable arrangement. And focus your energy instead on getting reemployed.

[mechamoose]

Do what you have to in order to protect yourself.

For instance, if you decide you want to leave a job and they offer you more money, it is just a delaying tactic. They now know that you want to leave, and they won't be trying to keep you further until they find your replacement. Then you are gone due to some manufactured reason.

I know you hate it, but if your partner has hit the 'eject' button, then it is VERY hard to take that back.

Just continue to be you. That IS the source of the 'problem', yes?

How can YOU take that back? Isn't that the only solution that would be acceptable to them?

Be brave, I know this is gonna be hard. (I'm in my 2nd marriage. I don't miss the 1st one.)

<3

- MM

[MelanieAnne]

I know you hate it, but if your partner has hit the 'eject' button, then it is VERY hard to take that back.

Just continue to be you. That IS the source of the 'problem', yes?

How can YOU take that back? Isn't that the only solution that would be acceptable to them?

Be brave, I know this is gonna be hard. (I'm in my 2nd marriage. I don't miss the 1st one.)


Good advice. Once they have left, it would never be the same again. She might just wait for a better time to leave again. As Jimmy Buffet says, "Breathe in, Breathe out, Move on"!

My divorce hurt at the time. But it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned from it...........and never married again!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Glad you're doing the practical things you can Gail, you have a wise head and it's firmly attached. The numbness is more than understandable- you're facing a new chapter in your life. But I do not doubt for a moment that you will ride through it and your kids are lucky to have you. I am certain that some time in the not too distant future, you will be telling us how you are rebuilding and that things are looking up.

Hugs, Nikki

[ashleyjane15]

I was in a similar situation to yours a few years ago. My ex-wife was getting worse at the time both physically and mentally. When she returned home from in-patient care, she told me that she wanted a divorce to "spare me from seeing her suffer." I was devastated. I fought as hard as I could to make her see that I loved her and wanted to work things out but after a year or so. I had to let her go and hope that she found peace and happiness.
I can only say that it will get better eventually. Just know that you have the love and support of friends and family members that will help you greatly in your time of need.

[MarinaSweden]

I am quite sure you have stopped reading all answers as there are so many, but to me, it is rather simple. You should talk to your children now before they get to know about it from someone else. I think they will understand and accept you. Especially if you promise to keep on being cautious and respect them if the for instance don't like you to be dressed when they have friends at home.

I am not far from that situation myself, but in my case, I am the one that is thinking of leaving my wife. She doesn't accept me as I am and that leaves me thinking, well, if she doesn't love me that much, what will I really loose if we were to split up? Maybe you don't see it that way, but maybe you will when you have had some time to think about it?

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Gail, Keep a good log of everything.
We are all here for you anytime you need to vent.:daydreaming:

[gailbridges]

I am quite sure you have stopped reading all answers as there are so many.....

Ha ha!!

Well, Monday had to be the worst day of my life.
I went to the bank to move checking accounts around and found that she was there earlier in the day and removed the OTHER 50% of the money she had taken on Saturday.
She left me with $48 in one account, and .75 cents in the other.
Again, I know this is on the advice of her sister (I will not underestimate her again). I know this because later that night my wife sent a friend over with an envelope of cash. The money she had taken out Monday.

After discovering that all the money had been taken, the rest of the day was about fast damage control. I happened to find 2 gold coins that I had stashed away for a rainy day, and cashed them in. I quickly got the house re-keyed, and drove my truck a very long distance to pick it up from storage so I can stash it someplace. However, the tires were very cracked (Michelins) and I had a blowout on the way back home. Getting a shredded tire fixed on the freeway is a nightmare. Fortunately, the local tire place was just up ahead at the next exit after the spare was put on.

Rewind: My daughter (17) woke up crying.
Because of mom?
Uh huh.
Do you want to see her?
Uh huh.
Ok. I'll see what I can do.
Ok. But not Aunt ______ in the car!
OK

So I sent the wife several texts that morning to ask her to pick up the kids. No response.
Called her. No response.
Sent texts to her father, sister, and best friend. Best friend said she'll talk to me later. (She's the one who brought the money. But no details on what is going on in that camp.)

My daughter even asked her to come pick her up after school.
The only thing my wife said back was "I love you."

Later that night, my daughter and I went grocery shopping, and Wife called my daughter's cell. They agreed to talk later when we got home.
Daughter spoke privately, and not for terribly long. When they hung up, daughter went on at length about how evasive wife was... "Well, these issues are between me and your dad."
"Mom, I feel the issues have to do with me too. You're the one who left us."

And that's where we are today.

I've spoken with 2 attorney friends who are advising me. One of them knows my wife's sister, and is rather surprised at how vengeful she is.

I know my wife has been unhappy (so have I), and Monday being the first day without Mom home hit us all rather hard. And it hit me how particularly badly how I have neglected her, and this home.

[docrobbysherry]

Gail, I'm sorry about the S--- storm you're going thru now. But, it could get worse. A LOT WORSE! I live in SoCal and lived thru your nitemare. However, my ex and I had no custody issues. We easily agreed on splitting that so the kids wouldn't suffer. It was all about money!

I could tell u many things that I learned thru my experience. But, none of them is as important as this:

Employ an experienced divorce ASAP! U will NOT regret it! Custody is the worst, most contested issue! And, you're kids r considered children until they r 18, I believe.

[debstar]

Not a lawyer and not married, but for the love of god keep a cool head and don't do anything stupid. If the two of you end up In court you do not want any negative actions hanging over your head. CD or not I doubt that will even be an issue just play it cool and keep being a good dad to your kids.

[Katey888]

Gail - I'm sorry to hear that things are going downhill... :hugs:

The old adage: "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst" is also a good motto to follow now - Blue Orchid's advice for logging everything should be considered mandatory - it will help you a lot.

You mention that attorney friends are advising you - are they doing that formally or informally? You should make sure that someone is retained formally so that there can be no accusations of impropriety from your legal advisers. You'll probably feel that the human issues (your children) should take priority and while their reassurance is necessary, you really need to make sure the legal stuff is in place and working for you.

The other old saying that applies here: "All is fair in love and war..." - don't think it can't get worse, I hope it doesn't but it probably will...

Katey x

[Suzie Petersen]

Dear Gail,

What a mess! Sorry you have to go through that.

I just want to add a voice to some of the advice you have already received:

- Keep a journal. Write EVERYTHING down with date, time and all. Who said what, who did what.
- Get a lawyer signed up. Like Katey said, advise from a friend is nice, but you need a lawyer formally on retainer or similar.
- Last but definitely not least .. Do not expect ANYONE to play nice or fair. Expect the absolutely worst in people to come out but at the same time, do your best to play nice yourself. If you can show to world, and the judge, that you are being the reasonable one here, it will work for you long term. Even if it might take biting your tongue now and then. If nothing else, you will sleep better at night when it is all said and done.

Hang in there!
Hugs
Suzie

[Dana44]

Gail,
Get an attorney. Do tell him everything and that it is DADT. Do express all fears to the lawyer. Do try to get a fair settlement. You have a lot working against you.
I went through a really tough divorce. But the one thing I was worried about, crossdressing and we also were swingers, he handled that in in the opening statements of the court. It was no issue on any of the settlement or even discussed in the two plus years of court.

[LeslieSD]

Am I the only one seeing the silver lining here? I think this might be a good outcome - for both of you. Rather than having both of you stuck in a relationship that none is happy, now both of you have a chance to start it over.

Just to take it one day at a time.

Sure it hurts. Sure there is much uncertainty. Getting an attorney, protect your interest, etc. , yeah, yeah. To me, any problem that can be settled with money is not a problem. You are healthy and you are free. Even if you came out this penny-less, you have the entire future ahead of you. What to be afraid of?

[Sissy_in_pink]

I know how you feel, when my wife left me it was divorce straight off the bat, no separation. Anyway, has your wife given any thought as to who is going to look after her when the MS gets so bad she can't look after herself, it's not as if her parents are going to be around forever.
A former colleague where I work had the same thing happen to him, only she left him for another man, she also had MS. Question is, is her new guy going to hang around to look after her when the honeymoon is over and he has to look after her full time.

[mechamoose]

I know how you feel, when my wife left me it was divorce straight off the bat, no separation. Anyway, has your wife given any thought as to who is going to look after her when the MS gets so bad she can't look after herself,


Similar, but different.

A life partnership is one of those 'in sickness and in health" things. If they want to be gone, it becomes someone else's problem. YOU didn't ask for the Divorce, they did.

Your responsibility only goes so far. You may be all into them, but if it isn't reciprocal then that does not matter.

Accept that and move on. You won;t get anywhere chasing ghosts.

(Yes, it sucks, and it feels like death)

- MM

[gailbridges]

Just got served the divorce petition 30 minutes ago.
Ugh. She's serious.
Sigh.

Again... everybody, thank you for your support.
Now here's another question..... ever been in this position and just want to forget all about your femme persona, and not do anything with her again?

[AmandaM]

Yes, when dire circumstances come up, I instantly go into man mode. But, when things chill out, she comes back.

[MelanieAnne]

ever been in this position and just want to forget all about your femme persona, and not do anything with her again?

I think that is normal, especially if your CDing is sexually driven. Stress kills your sex drive, and your mind is likely on the divorce pretty much all the time now.

[Lori Kurtz]

For me, there was certainly remorse and an awareness that this sexual thing that was part of my life had caused the breakup. But when she moved out, I was also aware that I was at that point free to dress up as much as I wanted without the worry of her finding out. And since the sexual charge and payoff of dressing up was like a drug for me, I binge-dressed for a while. Better than drinking myself into a stupor, I guess. Eventually I got my life into better balance, and was able to have a successful and sexually satisfying marriage without the added complication of dressing up. You can't expect yourself to be in any kind of normal state emotionally right now. How that plays out depends on your own individuality. Try to keep yourself from doing anything crazy; encourage yourself to be involved in work and other social activities with other people; and let the healing happen. Things will get better with time.

[SHINY-J]

I'm afraid I can't offer any advice. I went through a nasty divorce and my ex brought it up at one point and told a lot of people, but we had no children and I also knew I wouldn't be seeing most of the people she may have told ever again. Even the ones I did see who mentioned it, I denied my dressing and had a REALLY strong and VERY believable explanation as to why she "made it up" in an attempt to make me look bad.

In the end, it ended up being a non-issue for me and it never came up in the divorce proceedings. I will say that it caused me a MASSIVE amount of stress at the time worrying that it would be used against me.

In all honesty, unless she has written, photographed, or video evidence of you dressing, it's all hearsay. I can promise you it isn't the first time a spouse went mud-slinging in a divorce. You could easily stash away all of your CD items and let her come across like the bitter, vengeful party who initiated the split and made it as difficult and painful as possible for all involved but herself. In all honesty, it sounds like she's already well on her way to doing that.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I know how closely I guard my "hobby" and I know that it would really suck ass to have to discuss something like that with friends and family. Even if you're denying it, it still makes them wonder why it was brought up.

About the only advice I could give you is to not let her use this as a weapon against you to gain leverage and get any more than she deserves by law. If she lawyers up, then you'll need to also. Pick your battles and choose your wars. Don't spend another several thousand dollars on another retainer to fight for a 400 dollar TV, but don't just let her have everything because you're too worried or too depressed to fight for anything.

I don't know... I guess I just wish you the best. Good luck.

[kellyanne]

Good luck - think of your future and do not let your emotions defeat your long term interests.
Rest assured, if not CDing, then finances, time together or something else.
Men have to know that the average female spouse decides on divorce 30 months before informing the husband and has been through the numbers with competent counsel. Men and women also have to know that much of their situations is not of their own doing but the effects of the changing expectations, roles and social relations between men and women.

Always take the moral high road and keep leading by example , especially during these tough times.

[Dana44]

Gail, you asked a question about dressing. What I did was box everything up and put them in my apartment closet and out of site.
Went through the divorce as a male and did not even have a girlfriend over the two years of dark days in the court. After the divorce I went another month as I was crazy for a woman at that time. I then dated about seventy five or more females and all of my friends friends. Wow, I did not go long term with any of them. But one of my friends said to meet this fine gal he knew. Yep, she was a fine girl and we did have a LTR. Yet that fell apart after my mom passed as i had to take care of mom. But I did crossdress at my apartment and with my ex girlfriend. But as life turns out another woman has come into my life. Many things in this relationship are far better than some of my other ones.

[Sharon B.]

Been down that road with a divorce and the cross-dressing, yes the cross-dressing is the least thing to think about but once the ordeal is over with it will come back.

[DonnaT]

I was wondering how the court will address her lack of cognitive skills?

In California, “[i]t has been held over and over in this state that old age, feebleness, forgetfulness, filthy personal habits, personal eccentricities, failure to recognize old friends or relatives, physical disability, absent-mindedness and mental confusion do not furnish grounds for holding that a testator lacked testamentary capacity.” (Estate of Selb (1948) 84 Cal.App.2d 46 49 (Estate of Selb); Prob. Code, § 6100.5). As noted above, if a person with these deficiencies can still be held capable of creating a valid will, such a person can also be held competent to enter into a divorce.
So, even if she is being influenced by her sister, the court won't see it as an issue.

Hope things go your way.

[heatherdress]

Gail - We all go through bad times in life. I did. I can understand your fear, anger, regret, anxiety, worry. I am also sorry for what you are going through. I can only suggest some basics.

Take care of your children. They need you and you need them.
Take care of yourself. Work out. Stay healthy. Keep busy.
Do not focus on the past. Look to the future. You will get over this mess and be better off.
Do not try to figure out your wife or her sister. She probably has physical and mental issues. Accept what has happened and do your best to be prepared for future challenges.
Try to stay close to friends. You need them. Do not be embarrassed because you are having troubles. Everyone does.
Maintain your faith and beliefs.
Focus on your job search. This is critical. Take a temporary job until you find the right one. You need income.
Try to get help finding a job. Network. Do not let your home issues stop your employment search.
File for unemployment immediately if you have not done so already.
Negotiate extra time to pay your bills and try to make sure your wife is paying her share, too.
Seek the help and understanding of your family (brothers/sisters/parents?). Maybe you can borrow some money from them to help right now.
See a therapist if you have coverage or find someone you can talk to that you trust. You need someone.
Make sure you sleep 7 or 8 hours a night.
See your doctor and make sure you stay healthy.
Don't worry about your crossdressing, your libido or your lack of interest in sports, hobbies or other things that normally interest you. You will return to normal.
Retain a good attorney you can afford.


Trust in yourself, do the right thing, do not get depressed, look to the future.

This will be over and you will be OK.

[StephanieJ]

One bit of parenting advice from someone who has been there:

No matter how bad things get between you, please please please don't ever bash your (soon to be) ex in front of your kids. They are half her's and if you insult her, you insult them! No child should ever have to choose between their parents, even if one of them is a psycho... they need you both! Use this forum to vent your frustrations, but by all means, DON'T do it in front of your kids. Years from now, when the seas are more calm, you'll be glad you maintained the relationship and openness with the kids.

Hugs,
Steph

[MelanieAnne]

Judges are quite familiar with vindictive wives and husbands. They've seen it all. And most judges don't want to be in the position of divvying up the property, deciding custody. I have legal folks in the family is all I better say on here. But trust me, the lawyers generally work it all out before it gets to court, and the judge in most cases just approves whatever settlement has been reached. If the parties cannot agree, most judges will order mediation. As I said, the judge is not going to sit up there all day and decide who gets the sugar bowl, and who gets the silverware. If there is a dispute over the children, the Friend of The Court will make a recommendation, which is usually accepted by the judge. Joint custody is often granted, unless one parent should not have the kids for some good reason. Good luck.

[Nancy Sue]

Gail, I am sorry to hear what you are going through, but those of us who have gone through divorce know three things (at least):
1. Most of us were blind-sided like you, but of course when we look back on it we say "Oh, I should have seen from...". We all have "20/20 hindsight", but no, we most likely would not have seen it. Most of us give others the same grace we thought they are giving us, so we do not see it. It doesn't kill you, and it will pass.
2. In most states (like mine), you are legally "separated" when one person leaves. Though you should put a notice in the paper (according to your state laws, ours requires it to be posted on a certain day of the week, for three weeks) stating that your finances are your own, and are separated from hers - you are still separated from the moment one of the parties leaves the other - and she did that when she took half of the cash out of the account, then came over with her dad to get her stuff. You should immediately (if not sooner) close your current bank accounts, and put all of your remaining assets in a separate account that has only your name on it (with POD to your kids). If she took out 50%, you take the remaining 50%, and put it elsewhere. Do this with all of your accounts. Contact all your credit card companies, close the account, or remove yourself from it, and transfer half of the bills (that were charged before the moment she left) into an account of your own. (There might be details to work out later, but this shows that you have done / are doing your best to make this a 50/50 arrangement, especially since she has already done the same by taking half the cash.) Everything needs to be done "in writing", especially with the credit card companies. You want it in writing from them that you are accepting half the debt, and she the other half. If you have been married over 10 years (and it looks like you have), whatever retirement funds you have made will be split evenly, too. (This is from my best friend, an attorney, licensed in both Oregon and California.)
3. As others have noted, the court is not interested in your sexuality or identity matters, or hers, and it does not play a part in their determination of custody, cash or other property. In our state children over 14 are allowed to determine whom they want to live with. The court has guidelines dealing with matters of alimony and/or child support, when the two parties cannot agree. However, it is common for divorce attorneys to spend lots of time haggling over the property, because they get paid by the hour! My friend points out to his clients that it is better (cheaper) to let them have the lawnmower, or the TV, or the chair they want, than to pay two attorneys $300 and hour, each, to haggle over it. (Again, advice from my attorney.)
As a practical matter, I believe the recent TV series "Becoming Us", and "I A Cait", to be interesting, informative, and a way to begin to help you look at, and understand, some things about yourself better, and can be a way to begin to share with your children. They are going to find out eventually, so why not share it on your terms, not your exes?
And, as others have said, if you can keep rudeness and hatred in the background, you will have a much smoother passage. Words cannot be "unspoken", and apologizing to the ex-in-laws is demeaning - its best to just not say those things in the first place. They all know that her MS, and other physical issues, are genetic, and you did not have anything to do with them. If she has been seeing a counselor, and dealing with her MS, and how stress makes it worse, and she now realizes that the iffy marriage plays a part in that - and some of the means of relieving her stress, and helping her health improve, is to not be around you, well, accept that. It does not mean she does not love or care for you, but it does mean she now understands what will help her.
Remember the good times you had as a family, including both her and the kids. Keep the good times in your heart and mind, and remember to deal with the ex-in-laws as you want them to deal with you, and with the kids - courteously. The father-in-law came over with her to help her do what she had to do, and to be safe. Never make him feel intimidated. Go out for coffee with him, and talk about "what you can do to make this easier for everyone".

If you have any questions for me feel free to PM me, and I will do my best to answer them, and to help in any way I can.

Hugs, Nancy

[Michelle (Oz)]

Now here's another question..... ever been in this position and just want to forget all about your femme persona, and not do anything with her again?

My second wife left me after 10 years "for a real man". The impact on me was to give up crossdressing. I took most of my femme clothes to goodwill and put into storage with furniture just some of my more expensive shapewear, wigs and forms. No benefit in further details but CDing was just one of the issues - running out of money was another.

I repartnered pretty much straight after to a wonderful woman - proving that life after your wife leaves you can turn out just beautifully. That was 7 years ago.

You asked whether your femme life will stay away. 3 1/2 years later my want/need to CD returned with a vengeance. I'm now out dressed some 4 days a week and thoroughly enjoying my femme time. I well understand your thinking but store and don't purge your femme life.

[MelanieAnne]

Although it's been said before, this fem/crossdressing thing is for life, even if you are heterosexual. Although it comes and goes, it always comes back, usually stronger. And it needs to be taken into account in any future plans, because it often goes away during the excitement of a new relationship.