Feeling low

[jules]

The only reason I am posting this is because I feel the need to share how I am feeling on my journey.
It's been good so far but really never thought about it much really because work has been a shit show so it kind of keeps you mind busy but work is good now.
It's kills me sometimes that I have no one to talk to except my wife but she is scared that people will find out. I can understand what she is saying but it's starting to get to much. I still have not met with the women from new directions. Just have not had to time yet. But I have going to soon be for I snap.

Then on top of that I looked at myself in the mirror and I think I have changed but it hard to say. Friends have commented on how I look younger but I don't see it. It's hard I guess when you look at yourself every day. Co workers keep telling me to cut my hair and I keep telling them to f%#@$ off its not yours is it. Just a normal day in my life.
But today for some reason I got this feeling that my appearance will never change and I will always look like a man. Then I started to get upset now I'm in the parking lot of sodeys calming down before I go in.
I'm sure it will pass. For what ever reason it just came over me and I was having trouble controlling my feelings.

Sorry for being all over the place again but I'm typing what's in my head right now. Kind of like a babble I guess.

[Rianna Humble]

Apart from not having a wife, I can really empathise with what you wrote. I'm not going to say that you are suddenly going to become a super-model overnight because life isn't like that, but if you are transitioning, you will be changing for the better - just give yourself time to see it.

Transition isn't an easy path - even for those of us who have it relatively easy. There will be times when you wonder if you're ever going to get there, but often these can be balanced out by wonderful moments of acceptance or by experiences such as learning that just by being somewhere you have given another person the courage to seek help towards transition.

Feel free to share your thoughts with us in this way as you progress down the road of transition.

[Janice Ashton]

Transition can be a difficult journey and I often look to the community to share good, bad and dare I say sad times as we can all help each other. I live alone and know what it can be like to be alone with your thoughts having no one to discuss them with, so I can understand your feelings. Times will get better I am sure, your true inner feelings will lead you forward to find the real person you know you are.

[Badtranny]

Same advice every time.

Get out more. Find friends. Transition is not something done in secret. You are not going to emerge dramatically one day as a woman. Find a Trans support group, or go hang out in the 'queer' part of town and have some drinks, do some shopping, open your mind and be open to meeting new friends.

Gender is a lived experience, and if you are indeed in transition, you will soon be doing it right out in front of God and everyone. There will be no hiding. Transition is a hell of a thing. There will be blood.

Self discovery, Self Acceptance, and Self actualization do not occur in a vacuum. They need sunlight and friends.

[Janice Ashton]

Jules,

This is great advice by Melissa, especially the last line......

[Jennifer-GWN]

Personally I've found that having a few friends to talk to (no questions or issues off the table) goes so far. The help comes from learning from others, exchanging experiences, and just an opportunity to vent.

I've never said no or ignored anyone's ping or pm. In fact many have said they are surprised how open and forthcoming I've been. If we can't help each other then I think we have serious issues. Now I'm not professing I have all the answers, no of us has them. However beyond your threapist, friends can be so therapeutic as well.

Feel free to pm me.

Cheers... Jennifer

[Megan G]

Jules,

I'm sure there are many of us here that have been in the same situation you currently find yourself in, I know I was so I sympathize with you.

Melissa hits the nail on the head (once again) with her response. You need to get out and start making some friends, that does not matter if it is in the trans community or just coming out to a few select friends that you feel can accept you.

For me the biggest difference was when I finally cracked open my closet door and told a few select friends. They accepted immediately and were there for me when I needed it and those people became my biggest allies when I finally came out to the rest of the world.

This will start you down the road to hopefully a better place..

[Eringirl]

Hi Jules:

I feel for ya....I totally get it. I too, will pile on the band wagon....it's time to get out. I found a local support group that is helpful. More so for the fact that it showed me that I am not alone, that I was/am having the same struggles as others and also similar successes and it is a good chance to be able to talk about all that with people who totally get it. In fact, we just had our monthly meeting this past Saturday and there was about 30 people there. Also, if you have a few good friends that you have come out to, or can come out to, they can be invaluable allies for you. Just getting out with them to do normal things like go to a movie one evening etc, is a great morale booster and feeds the soul.

Try to focus on a few positive things that happen every day......celebrate the small successes.....and stay in touch here. You are not alone.

Erin

[Marcelle]

Hi Jules,

Sorry to read you are having a rough time. I think meeting with the folks at New Directions would be a good step forward and might link you in to those around you and help foster some friendships you can share with. Coming out to the world around you is never an easy thing especially when you have a wife who is concerned. My wife and I travelled down a similar path early on but she has come to accept and is fine with the world writ large knowing. It does take time, communication and education. But many here are right, if you are going to accept who you are, it has to be done in the light of day. Start small with a small circle of trusted agents then widen the scope and eventually you will know when it is time to let everyone know.

Cheers

Isha

[I Am Paula]

Yes to everything said here, but please, don't hide in the trans community either. You need a mix of cis, and trans friends.
Babble, vent, and rant. We'll always listen.

[Suzanne F]

Jules
Hang on here is hope! Start small and it will balloon. There are some wonderfully supportive people in the world. We just have to trust a few to begin. Good luck!
Suzanne

[jules]

Thank you for the support. I really mean it.
As for my friends I have tested to waters on that and it's not good.
I know I have to come out more and I'm trying.
This is not a easy thing to say the least. I have so much to learn but I am confident I will get there.

And also thank you for the advice I will proably start asking more questions really soon.

Hugs
Julie summers