Driving This Road

[roxiecd]

So I've been driving down this road for some 8 yrs now. Along the way, I have had a few successes, as well as some spectacular failures. Moments of great inspiration, and great woe. Too many set-backs to count, and never enough (seemingly) progress. That's just how life works.

Question is, where is that off ramp? What is the ultimate destination of this journey? When is it over?
Does it end with SRS? Not for me personally. Should I get implants? No, I wish they were bigger, but I'll live with my B cups, thank you. Does it end when someone ELSE tells you "there, now you're a complete...."?

I know that I don't have the answer, all I can do is hang on the bars and ride on. I'm sure I will have plenty more road-rash before it's over.

[stefan37]

It ends when you feel comfortable to get off the train. Only you can determine what stop you get off.

[Badtranny]

I don't think it ever ends for us personally, but it obviously ends socially when your name and gender is changed.

Further procedures are for personal gratification, but when your name is changed and you are known to the world as your new gender, then for all intents and purposes, you are done with transition.

[STACY B]

Hell with that name changing crap,,,lol I'm going to keep my name, Maybe change my marker,, I wouldn't know what to change it too? An how would anyone know who to call or who I am ? Or who I once was? Or who I am now? Off ramp,, I wish I never had to get on,, But since I am here and ridding with all of you I may as well ride for a while.

When I find the exit I will tell yall this is my STOP,,, See yaaaaaaaaaa

[roxiecd]

Papers, docs, I.D., names. BLAH! An "F" instead of an "M". Didn't change who I am, was, or am becoming. The journey continues...

[Angela Campbell]

But it changes what everyone else thinks you are.

[roxiecd]

I'm not one to really care what anyone else thinks anymore. The documents are merely a legal thing. No one looks at my DL to find out what sex I am lol.
Anyway...

I know everyone's journey is different, and highly personal to them. For some, it ends at point X. For others, myself included, there may never be a point "X". For now, I'm just tryin' to stay in the saddle and not run out of gas!

[Frances]

It ends with you stop feeling at odds with your body and, like Melissa said, when you have transitioned legally (at least changed your name). Having the world respond to your gender communication in the right way is a big thing too. It is hard to feel at ease, if no one "sees" your gender the way you want it to be seen.

[roxiecd]

Okay, my question was pretty much hypothetical.

My boots are muddy. My arms are tired. My (not cute) butt is numb. I've got bug splatter everywhere. Yet, I get up in the morning, throw a leg over and hit the start button. It's been quite a ride. More often than not, I'd like to swing to the side and drive right off that cliff. Or straight into that rock wall. Yet I ride on.

There have been some epic crashes. I knew going in that this was going to suck. Sometimes it still does. My last therapist had to seek therapy, or at least reconsider their career choice. I hang on. When the road is good and I can see the world in front of me, I hammer down. Sometimes it's fun to lay into the corners at full throttle. Other times I have to roll off and tap the brakes in order to keep her upright. That's just the way life goes....

I do not know if, when, or where this road will end for me. It just seems to keep going on.

Has your journey completed? Have you found the end of the drive? Or have you found that it keeps going, always a new horizon?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i don't care what gender i am

i feel real so the idea of gender becomes taken for granted

sometimes i am faced with awkward or unpleasant realities that have to do with my male past or social issues relating to my inexperience in this role, but who cares...that doesnt challenge my gender or even really challenge me very much
its just my life, its no longer an existential gender crisis or journey...its just i have less experience than most 50plus women...

my biggest ongoing issue is shame related and feeling unworthy because of what i am, but i don't view that as a gender issue anymore..i stepped up to my shame and did what i did anyway...
and now its more a basic mental health issue...its like shame PTSD...I'm a woman with a shame issue...

my gender journey is over, i traded it in for my life journey..

[LeaP]

Roxie, I haven't the slightest clue what you are talking about. You have barely hinted in any of your posts as to the nature of your identity, your direction, your medical and legal status, or anything else for that matter. For all I know, you could actually BE talking about a literal road trip.

The most I can glean is a reference to "the girl you are at heart, mind, and soul," a vague reference to documents and names, and a brief reference to having a B-cup.

So - not liking to assume, what is the nature of your path, what have you done, and what is your status?

[Badtranny]

Yeah, I'm with LeaP,

What are you talking about? We think you're talking about transition, but we tend to have a one track mind over here in the TS forum.

[roxiecd]

I apologize for being vague, I assumed everyone would "get it". oops.

Indeed, I am talking about transition. All of it. The therapy, doctors, endo's, drugs, alcohol, hormones, anti-androgens, lasers, needles, paperwork, on and on and on....
I realize no one here knows me, and that I don't post much. I am sort of a private person, and I didn't think my stats, treatments, procedures or current legal status were anyone's concern except mine, my dr's and the gov'ts. Actually, they barely matter to me anymore lol.

Eight yrs seems like forever ago, and yesterday at the same time.

Status: F , non-op, biker twit.

Again I apologize and I hope that clears up any confusion. :)

[LeaP]

They only matter here for purposes of your thread. How is someone supposed to respond to a road analogy when you're not sure what it represents. The details provide context for answers.

To wit: If you are socially transitioned, taking hormones, a confirmed non-op, and changed your name and gender marker, it pretty much seems to me like you've already driven off your exit. Or perhaps you're talking about integration. Or psychological issues. Or stability. Maybe the highway ran out and you're on a local road. In the dark. Lost. Alone. You haven't said.

[roxiecd]

Oopsie...

Looks like someone (ME) had a bit of an emotional breakdown last week! Its been rough couple of weeks around here, and I've been pretty stressed so sorry for babbling on.