mid-life crisis or just stuck in my head?

[Tiffany Jane]

Ladies, I come to you as my born physical and emotional self. Yes, a man. It has been a long journey with just a short quick launch of personal and relationship acceptance. In two years my life has leapt forward to someplace that feels comfortable, yet so foreign at the same time.
Short story, married to a wonderful woman for seventeen years. Have a wonderful almost two year old son. Career had taken a beating but looks up. Crossdressing seemed to be a comfortable place, but I question if there is something else. And in a few short months, forty is at the doorsteps.
I am asking those of you who have transitioned into the middle years of your life to see into the rearview mirror and assess the "changes" that your life brought upon you and how it corelated into the person you were and have become.
I am on a journey of revelation into my own being, and at this point it is scaring the life out of me. I am a husband, father, son, brother, and employee; yet somewhere in this, I can't find myself.
I hear it now...talk to someone, but a lot of all of this is the fact that as I said before, I live in my head. A world of classification, being to others what they need me to be, and sacrificing the person within me to be the person that has gotten me this far.
I question everything about me in relation to how it affects others, always putting their emotions and feelings before mine. I play out scenarios mentally to address any foreseen challenges I will face, often never crossing the path my foreshadowing takes me.

So been awhile since I have shown myself here, but...any ideas.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

So you're a pleaser. You find fulfilment by taking care of those around you, the downside being that your own emotional needs often get ignored.

Try using the word No more often, instead of defaulting to Yes.

You may find it upsets people. Dealing with them being upset with you is your edge- that's where you need to work, if you're to begin living life more on your own terms. It won't be easy.

Good luck!

[Katey888]

Tiffany - I think many folk go through this reassessment of life... It comes with maturity and experience...

When you say "transitioned into the middle years of your life", do you mean: just successfully got 10 years older, or do you mean "transitioned" like Caitlyn..? :)

If the latter, you seem to be tap-dancing around the question a little (as many would - not suprisingly) but it's a question you do need to be a little more forthright with. I've looked at some of your past posts and you do seem to harbour a degree of uncertainty about how you feel about your gender identity, and nothing really shouts TS at me... but no reason it should.

Yes - you need to speak to someone - particularly if this is niggling at you and you can't reach a conclusion. It might be nothing, it might be everything... :hugs:

Katey x

[Candice June Lee]

This is a familiar theme into my own issues as well. As I have thought on this myself in the last few months, I wonder if I found myself.
I think it's a case of not wanting to rock the boat so to speak. Maybe you have found yourself, and, do not wish to feel like a loser if things do wrong. My wife and I had this conversation last night. Long story short, I will echo her words. "You need to decide where you want to be what you want." With this sort is there but there had to be a balance. Your feelings are just as important as Thiers. Hiding and such isn't fair to your wife and not fair to you.

[Teresa]

Tiffany,
I haven't read any of your other posts so I'm not sure if you're out to your wife or not .
All I can say is many of us hit our forties and try and take stock, I can relate to your comment about always appearing to give, but that's life we just do it for the family it's our obligation. Then we suddenly realise our dressing is still there and maybe getting stronger and start to think it is something deeper. You begin to think I've got to start thinking about me but at the same time you have all your commitments . I came out to my wife in my forties and it didn't go well but we managed to get through, annoyingly twenty years on it's hit me again this time realising that CDing is for life , I've now finally sought counselling to get me through it. No matter what ever anyone says it's what goes on inside your head and I now openly tell people that I'm not ashamed of , it because it's part of me why should I feel guilty about something I can do nothing to change.

[kimdl93]

In Yoda terms, we never 'are', only are we becoming. And those things attached to your identity (father, brother, spouse, employee etc,) these will continue to be part of you as you define or redefine your gender identity. Each of us is a sum of many parts.

[raeleen]

Tiffany,

I think I'm in a similar place and would love to chat more with you about it. I have dressed my whole life, but completely in the closet. I've now started emerging out of the house a bit, and find myself unsure of what it really means. Am I truly trans? Do I want more than just dressing? Or is this enough? I am also late 30's and would love to find other girls in that age range to connect with and talk a little bit more.
No answers, but support and a shoulder to lean on (and maybe you can help me out too!)

Best,
Raeleen

[CynthiaD]

I'm not sure what you're asking.

You can be a warm loving compassionate person without always worrying about what others think or feel about you. In fact, I think that always worrying about what others think sometimes makes you seem phony. If you genuinely like and care about others, it will show, and you don't need to go to extremes to prove it.

You need to like yourself and respect yourself. If you don't, why should anyone else? It doesn't hurt to be a little selfish at times, as long as you don't take it to extremes. If you make a choice that benefits someone else, but makes you miserable, you will always resent that person for it, so don't.

Get out of your head, and try to really understand others. It's fun, and others will sense your interest if it's genuine. And they will like you for it.

[Tiffany Jane]

Well, thank you ladies, as always a wonderful, supportive community. Third try to respond to your kind words, thoughtful insights, and gentle emotional lift. You have all connected on points I have been hashing through and as I have been trying to respond, find all those points intertwined in a rat's nest of emotions. Katey, I have always found your words sincere. Teresa, my wife is aware of most of this part of me. It is in the recent confusion I have been unable to discuss this with her, knowing I don't have answers for myself, could hardly imagine I could give her any answers she would have about the funk I have been in. Raeleen, I appreciate the invitation to discuss this further and don't be surprised if I send you a message. Cynthia and Kandia, when I do discuss this with my wife, she will be sharing the same feelings as you have. Have been told to live life through my eyes and not behind them.

Thanks again. Will post anything progressing later.

TJ

[Alice Torn]

Codependency. I am a pleaser, too, and try not to be. Even my high heels pumps, are
"Pleasers" brand! It is hard to overcome it too. A 12 step group, called
Codependents anonymous. Adult children of Alcoholics, and other dysfunctional families. I was forced to return to my toxic family of origin over five years ago, and it has been emotional mental hell! This is very hard to change, and i have fought this tendency, but usually give in. A mental habit. But, only slight progress at a time is made, it seems. I pray for help with this, too, to be the genuine me, while working to be kind. Since i have not had a wife or family, i really cannot understand very well. we sure go through stages in our lives, though, and i had a mid life crises at 40, then 50, then 60. We all get older, but can enjoy it too, even with some sorrows.

[heatherdress]

Tiffany - Your concerns are normal, and very healthy for your personal awareness, growth and happiness. As much as we want to retain the joys of our youth, as much as we think and feel and look as we did in our "yesterdays", we live in our "todays" and think about our "tomorrows". We experience, we feel, we learn. That is life. It is fortunate that you appear to be self aware, intelligent, honest with yourself. It is fortunate that you have the joys, sorrows and fulfillment of being a husband, father, son, brother and employee. You are lucky to have a successful 17 year marriage to wonderful woman. That is all part of your journey in life. Maybe it scares you, to be reaching a 40 year mile-marker in life. But it seems to be a good and rewarding place to be. Changes and transitions will continue to occur in your life. Simply accept them and try to make them as positive as you can. You should not feel overwhelmed. The birthday cake only has 1 more candle. You are still in another "today" and you are simply on the threshold of another "tomorrow". Worry less, appreciate all that you have, live every "today" to the fullest. You are doing very well!

[sometimes_miss]

Join the crowd. It's no 'mid life crisis'. It's what we do all our lives. Perhaps you just had a moment to sit down and think about it now; after all, you've been pretty busy for almost 40 years. Remember too, that you are the one who decided to pursue the path you've been on. You've chosen to be husband, father and employee; you simply grew up being son and brother. The latter, is something that pretty much everyone does. The former, you willingly went forth with to achieve whatever it was that made you want to do it in the first place: Though for a lot of us, we simply thought getting married was an easier way to regular sex and getting out of the dating world. Being a father, well we have that drilled into our brains from the moment we're self aware. 'You're going to grow up, work hard, get married, and have kids'. That's society's rule, and we blindly follow it. By the time we're old enough to realize what we've done with our lives, it's too late. But we did choose to get married, and allowed ourselves to get talked into having kids (again, because we were horny and didn't want to argue with our wives).
Then we reach middle age, and want something for ourselves, and everyone tells us we're having a mid life crisis. Nope. We still want all the same things we always did. But now we're in a position to do something about it. It's THEM that's having the crisis.
The crossdressing is apparently something that you've been involved with for a long time, I suppose? So what makes you think that you have to look for 'something else'? Just because some other crossdressers do? Only you know (or sometimes you don't, having buried the thoughts for decades) what you want out of life.
So, questions. Are you generally happy with where you are, even if you're feeling overworked a lot (pretty much every family man is). Or are you miserable every waking moment? (lots of men who do jobs they don't like feel this way because they're stuck doing stuff they don't like all day, then come home to a house full of people who ALSO want them to do stuff they don't enjoy either). If it's the latter, then perhaps you need to find some time to yourself (triggers the beginning of rocking the apple cart, and the accusation of a 'mid life crisis' because all of a sudden you're putting yourself first for a change).
I reached that moment at about 38. working 7 days a week, all for somebody else's benefit. I spoke to a friend; who asked me, what I did for fun. I couldn't remember. He said, well, what did you used to do for fun? Took me a minute, but said I used to take a ride on my motorcycle. But I had sold that when I got married. Result? I bought another motorcycle, one that I had always wanted, but in boxes; it was one that somebody had taken apart, but couldn't put back together, so I got it dirt cheap. And over the next year, I put it back together. Sure enough, all the 'mid life crisis' accusations from family and co-workers, especially the women. I told 'em all to 'fu*k off'. And started taking a ride every weekend BEFORE mowing the lawn, BEFORE washing the cars. Made all the difference in the world.

Basically, unless you want to be some type of martyr, you'll need something in your life that's just for you. Doesn't even have to be anything big or expensive. But it has to be for you. Not something the rest of the world TELLS you that you SHOULD enjoy (like working to support a family, or raising children, HOW REWARDING everyone tells me that is all the while having that miserable Al Bundy look on their faces which tells me they HAVE to say that to keep them from having to face reality of being miserable doing it). Because I lived that too: I was told how rewarding it would be to work hard and support a family. How happy it would make me to work 70 hours a week doing something I hate, and give the money to others, then come home and work some more on stuff I hated to do, while my wife b!tched about stuff constantly.

So find stuff you like to do. And do that. You'll feel better.

[Tiffany Jane]

Codependency. I am a pleaser, too, and try not to be. Even my high heels pumps, are
"Pleasers" brand! It is hard to overcome it too.

Thanks Alice, as I have owned a few of these myself. Had to laugh a little at the stretched association.

Things are better, but not the best. Have excused myself from the head class a little to analyze somethings. Last week was dark and I will leave it at that. This week is looking better, although the time I had thought I would have to myself was postponed today, it ended up for a pretty relaxing day. So I am not dressing up or having the little bit of me time I wanted, but I am "here" and that is a start to indulge the other part of me that sometimes strangles my mind from time to time.