Work Update

[Suzanne F]

The president had promised to call me by Monday. This was after waiting a week and a half after our initial meeting for a response. He told me that the HR person, a female knew about me transitioning and was supportive. Although he had not community I ate with me he did allow me to tell my manager on Friday. He was shocked and said it was surreal. At the end he did hug me and say it would be ok.

So Monday and Tuesday came with no communication. Then Wednesday the president called me to discuss an account. After finishing he hung up with no mention of me and a meeting to plan to transition. I was so stunned. It just put me in a tailspin.I just knew they were avoiding me and I was doomed. I went to 2 AA meetings and tried to not obsess about it.

This morning I spoke to the sales manager about work. After we finished I couldn't help telling him how no communication was causing me great anxiety. That was when he told me the owner, the CFO and the Director of Operations have all been told about this issue. He said they were all shocked, he was there for the meeting. He said the owner reacted better than he had thought. He said my job was safe and not to worry. I said that is difficult when no one is speaking to me about this. Oh and he said the president was thinking I could come out after Christmas.

About 15 minutes later I received an email from the president. He wants me to come in to meet with him, my manager and the HR person. He said the meeting was to discuss how to move forward. He then sent another email asking if my friend, Theresa Sparks could come on Tuesday to meet since I had offered her services to help educate the company as to how to handle this matter. I am so lucky to have such a powerful trans ally. Unfortunately she will be in Washington DC attending a conference held by the White House. I am trying to reschedule that meeting.

So I need to breathe. My head is saying don't trust them. However, they are saying the right things when I force them to talk at all. I have done everything I can. I have to let the process work. I so get now why women ask if we are out at work. Thus is the hardest thing I have ever done! I feel stripped of all status and feel naked in front of all these men. Everything I ran and hid from my whole life!

Suzanne

[Jennifer-GWN]

Suzanne;

Not sure your personal relationship with the president... Had you considered engaging hr first and mapping a coming out strategy. The are a slew of people who need to know and a corresponding order to consider (one often either personally orientated or job role). For me hr was consulted first...actually a transcordinator affiliated with hr was my first work related connection but that was unofficial. We mapped a list of close working peers, friends, management team, org leaders, etc with a disclosure strategy before going Big Bang public WW internally. I'm in a large org and very visible. My disclosure list was almost 160 people who most I spoke to on a 1:1 basis with the understanding of complete confidence. This provided an opportunity for mgt to prepare, for me to cross check client impacts and be ready. It took a good deal of work on my part but laid the groundwork for essentially a big disclosure late in the week and be back to business nothing to see here mode on Monday. For me the results have been 100% positive. Coming out disclosure went out to likely almost 20000 people. Responses back were overwhelming to the ability to personally process.

Personally I'm an advocate of the take charge approach. My hr was there to assist and support if needed but also felt that the plan, approach, and for breadth of touch went far beyond there ability to cover.

I had considered retiring...riding off into the transition sunset on my own. the turning point became our ceo and our president both called me congratulating me for having the courage to see my life to the fullest and that they'd personally stand behind me as I tackled my emergence.

Moral of the story is take charge (not bull in a china shop) but you know what you want. I expect you're not just thinking of yourself and just your own personal needs but also the impact that this will have on the company. I have perhaps the luxury of working for an organization where diversity and acceptance is a strong value WW (even in countries and cultures where this is counter to their local, social, political, and religious customs) but having said that a disclosure plan is necessary that maps to your needs and takes the companies needs and objectives in consideration is key.

Just some long ramblings and perspective from one girl whose just coming out of that coming out phase in the work space.

I'm happy to pm with more details if you wish as for me this actually was the biggest aspect associated with coming out for me.

Cheers... Jennifer

[PretzelGirl]

Suzanne, it isn't easy going through this process. Delays and actions that you would think nothing of before become stuck in your head now. This is where you wanted to be. Breathe deep, be aware of what is happening so you can deal with it appropriately, but don't let it own you. It sounds like you have a lot going right.

Jennifer, I believe how you handle it at work can be individualized. Each company is different and the size and structure come into play too. I told my boss first. I could have told HR first also, but it work out fantastic anyway.

[VanTG]

Ahh, I can read and sense the anxiety in your words. I guess maybe some mindfulness might be worth a shot right now. Sometimes we like to catastrophize. If he wanted you to bring somebody, I would see if you could find somebody else. The San Fran area is one of the biggest trans areas so there has to be groups and organization that would help.

Hoping the best for you.

[Suzanne F]

Thank you ladies! The president was my boss at my former employer almost 5 years ago. He offered me a position shortly after he took the job. He has been like my grumpy father and I owe him a lot for my success. So I felt like he should hear it first. We are a small 20 million dollar company that is family owned. Our HR person is more title than actual description. Most HR functions are outsourced. I believe the order in which it has came out has been the right way given our size. I would be interested in hearing how women handled this when customers or clients were involved.
Suzanne

[Badtranny]

It's a hell of a thing Suzanne. Congratulations on working up the gumption to get it done.

I don't think it's helpful at this point to interject my personal experience just yet because at this point, it's all pretty much a crap shoot. Those that think there is ANYTHING you can do to 'manage' the reactions or perceptions of others are fooling themselves. People will react how they react and there's not a whole lot you can do about it.

Having said that, I will say that this is one of those times when you really need to dig deep and find the joy in your new life. What you're going through now, is rough and tumble, but you are free now my friend. Your are now stepping into the light of day and beginning to live the life you have only dreamed about since you were a little girly boy. Do you know how few people have the courage to do what you've done? You are breathing rarefied air lady. Enjoy that feeling and recall it every time things get hard.

As soon as possible, go meet some friends for a drink on your way home from work. Or maybe meet them for lunch. You are free every minute of every day now. Burn that closet to the ground.

[PaulaQ]

Trust them. If they were going to screw you over, they'd just walk you out the door unceremoniously. That's the typical way this plays out when it's bad.

Best of luck Suzanne, and congratulations!

[becky77]

Just remember it's surprising news to them, right now they are going into Poker face mode while they deal with it.
Most likely they have mixed feelings, but will try do what's right.

Try be patient and stay positive :)

[Eringirl]

How trying for you!! But well done! I empathize as to how much anxiety this process can cause. I agree with Becky, this is probably their first rodeo, so trying to get their head around it all. Kudos to them for not allowing themselves to have a knee jerk reaction that my be problematic, and for taking the time to work it through before opening their collective mouths. I agree, I would take that as a good sign. Like Jennifer, I too am in a bit bigger organization with just over 8,000 staff at my site. So I also went the route of Human Rights Office first, then my boss, then to HR. But that is what worked for me. Everyone will have their own custom formula for how to approach it in their own world.

The "how to deal with clients" aspect is interesting and important for sure. As most of my "clients" are in house, I have yet to deal with that issue. But that will change next summer as I will be working more with outside groups. So, unfortunately can't help you there, but interested in the experiences of others.

Best of luck....sounds like you have a handle on this. Yup, go for a drink...celebrate the small wins!

Erin

[Nicole Erin]

if your worried about losing this job, maybe get a jump start now in seeking other job options. Don't apply for anything just yet but just kind of see what is out there.

I imagine the worst part most people dread is going through the job seeking process again.
I do not read everything here but I don't really recall too many reports of us TS losing our jobs over transition.

My own experience is that I started my present job as Erin. It is no secret I am TS. I don't have the greatest job on the planet but I get treated no different than anyone else.

One last thing though - Normally our TS status doesn't really change our relationships with previous acquaintances. If you got along and worked well with your co-workers before, nothing should really change. If it was shaky, there may be problems.

[arbon]

Work did not go well for me when I transitioned though my employer was supportive initially and said the right things. Like BT says it is kind of a crap shoot for you right now.

Hope for the best but also be ready for the worst.

[Suzanne F]

Monday I met with President of company, my sales manager and the HR person. They were responding to my request for a meeting to update me on progress. They informed me that the owner, the CFO mad the Director of Operations had been informed of my plan to transition. Surprisingly, the owner was not overly upset about my decision. Everyone was surprised about this!
They said most of the right things but were very cautious. A lawyer is coming in today to meet with the president. California law is on my side thank God! It was sweet when the president said he was just a little sad to be losing Brent. I explained he was not losing but actually gaining a better more authentic me! They will submit a plan for announcing my transition to employees and customers in a few weeks for my approval. I implored them to make this sooner than later so that I can begin working as me. I explained that it was difficult for me now to work as a male and I wanted to be the most effective employee I can be.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done. My brain was screaming don't do it! I could see my status going away as we spoke. I now have become an issue for them not just a friend and employee. Fear kept welling up inside me and I wanted to just run out of the room. Here were all those males from all those years that I hid from. I hid by infiltrating and making them think I was one of them. Not just on the fringe but right in the middle of them while guarding my secret. Why was I stripping it away so they could hurt me??????

Don't get me wrong, this is the right path for me. It is just the scary part. It requires strength and toughness to be a trans woman in the workplace. I have those and it will be ok!

Suzanne

[Badtranny]

Scary part indeed.

I think you know now why we make the distinction. We're floating in a leaky boat with a Dixie cup and sensible shoes, while the "except for work" folks are looking down at us from a cruise ship wondering what we're complaining about.

[Suzanne F]

Melissa,
Yes you were correct about the distinction. The finality of it all hit me sitting there. Even after all I had been through I hadn't fully faced the no turning around point until that very moment in the meeting. I had that sick feeling in your stomach that said run. I now know what I didn't. My life seems to be careening out of control and I can't do anything about it. To top it off they informed me we will be changing insurance at the beginning of the year. They do not know to what company yet. This threatens to derail my surgery plans with my chosen doctor. I have a date and had been pre approved. I am having to breathe and let go. The Rubicon has been crossed and the outcome is uncertain.
Suzanne

[Jennifer-GWN]

Suzanne;

Oh dear. The shenanigans that business can pull make my head spin. My heart goes out to you and the situation, uneasiness, and stress this brings. Not fair at all but sadly is what it is and all too often what we have to deal with.

Feel free to reach out. Always have a shoulder available and perspective to give.

Jennifer

[Badtranny]

I'm sorry Suzanne.

It's a hell of a thing. Relax, drink wine. It will all work out.

Being free is worth everything.

I'm having a few girls over on the 10th, find me on Facebook.

[Jan_Muller]

Best wishes for strength to face what comes. The strength and poise you have shown already are impressive.

[charlenesomeone]

I hope this works out how you want it. I came out last Monday, to my direct supervisor, per our companies transgender policy, I probably should have done it in writing, as like you, I think they hope it will" go away".
Keep going hon.
Hugs

[Marcelle]

Hi Suzanne,

I can feel your angst as I remember that fateful trip down the Command corridor to the Commander's office to explain that I am trans and out myself less they think I was hiding something which could be compromised for security reasons. Then the next step of working with the command team to out myself fully at work and finally to show up my first day at work . . . all nerve wrecking. It is best IMHO to take a deep breath and ride the wave until it ends. It is a hard path but once it is trod, the benefits of being able to be you in all aspects of your life are joyous.

Cheers

Isha

[PretzelGirl]

You are doing great Suzanne! Keep it one step at a time. The insurance isn't decided yet, so set that aside in your mind as worrying won't help you. Have faith in your friendships and stay engaged. They will still see it is you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

WTF did I just do is actually the rational and appropriate response. heh

i'm really glad for you and I hope things work out. one step at time is great advice...this was a big step but it should clarify your life in a very empowering way.

[Abby Kae]

Stories like this one, as promising as they are, make me glad that I can still put my bosses on timeout if I don't like their behavior, or tell them it's naptime. :)

[becky77]

I had a meeting at head office with my director, boss and HR it was so surreal telling all this stuff that was previously private.

Full credit to the people at my work, they made me feel like it was no big deal which helped immensely.

That point where there is no return is scary, I mainly felt free though, it was all out there no more secrets, no more hiding. Feels good, then the hard work starts!

[donnalee]

As far as the medical insurance goes, CA law requires that they cover trans medical issues. If they use the same medical group, you're home free as all the doctors should be the same. Good luck and I hope all goes well.