I am not sure where to from here but here it goes . . .

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

As a relative newcomer to this side of the forum, I have both lurked and began sharing where all this has been going for me. Two years ago when I came to this site, I had just had a complete and utter emotional implosion after 31 years of suppression of this side of me. Long story short . . . I dressed as a woman for the first time at age 17 during my first year in the military, felt utter shame and beat the feeling down under a guise of military macho until emotionally I had nothing left and found myself in a very dark place . . . admission, outing to my wife and therapy . . . two years later here I am completely out to my family, friends and recently work. This culminated in me working two days a week as a woman in the Canadian military.

We (my wife and I) were on holidays a week ago . . . well more indentured servitude to the labor camp we call our property. Now I have the latitude to present as a woman around the house and this does not mean cocktail dresses, stilettos and clubbing make-up/hair it means when I work in the yard it is normally women's shorts, tank top, work boots, ball cap (no wig / no make-up) but I still identify as a woman. My wife has been and is fine with that. We were talking one night and she noted that during the work week it seemed I was slipping back into a moody depressive state when I was presenting male at work and only cheered up when I came home and could change into women's clothing. It was at this point that I had to disclose my last few discussions with my therapist (whom I have been seeing for two years). For about the past six months my therapist has been of the mindset that I am most likely TS (even if I don't want to admit it). In her opinion and she never pushes this but provides advice, boy me never really existed but was an elaborate suppression trick I employed to hide the fact that I wanted to be a woman. Over my time in the combat arms I have engaged in very risky uber macho activities. Even after I went back to university to become a military psychologist I still engaged in very stereotypical male high risk sports and then gravitated back to the Special Forces to continue this façade (her words not mine). In essence the behavior was acting as an outlet for the emotional discharge of suppression of my female side. However it was not enough to control the core personality and eventually it came to the surface and hence the emotional implosion. Having said that, the point she finds intriguing is that while I clearly identify as a woman I have expressed no desire to chemically (HRT) or surgically alter my body to align my physiology with my gender identity. I quite enjoy my male physiology and to be honest given from frame and height, I can pull off a relatively fit woman who has a penchant for weight lifting. Also, when I look in the mirror I don't see a man's body (okay not being delusional - I know the difference :)), it is more a sense that this is my body and although I identify as a woman, my body is my own and what physiology I have does not define my sense of gender, I am a woman who just happens to have a male body.

So the next big question from my wife was . . . now what? This took a bit of to and froing as we had several long and very emotionally charged conversations. She felt as though she was watching me slip away (guy me that is). Now bear in mind my wife is super supportive but she does have limits and while she understands that I am truly a woman in a man's body, she still needs to have guy me in her life. I told her there probably never was a guy me only me and, that will never change. However the need to align my gender to the outside world is very strong. So we reached an accord. I am going to go full-time during the work week which means I will change my military documentation to read "female" vice "male" . . . an administrative step in order change my military ID. For the most part I will live as a woman including at home (albeit no make-up . . . too laborious). I have begun growing out my natural hair (well giving it the old college try :)) so hopefully wigs will not be a necessity in the future. All she has asked is that on days when we go out (movies, social settings with mutual friends, vacations) that I present male once and awhile. I let her know it is plausible depending on my GD at the time (some days it is painful to dress male). In addition, with the laser facial hair removal, pierced ears, body mass reduction and once my hair grows out and is styled it will likely be a more effeminate man. She is fine with that as she just needs that link to me and to be honest given her level of support I don't have an issue providing her with that one request when I can. We trialed this yesterday. It was my first week back to work in which I presented full-time as a woman (the military is now taking steps to align my gender markers in documentation) and we (my wife and I) went to the movies and met friends for dinner and drinks. I presented male which in and of itself felt odd . . . almost like the first time I left the house dressed as a woman. It was a bit uncomfortable but tolerable.

So where does this leave me? I have often used the term gender fluid but to be honest I think that ship has sailed. On those occasions where I am dressed as a man, I still do not feel male (whatever that means) just a woman wearing men's clothing (odd like yesterday). However on the days I am dressed as a woman (about 90 percent of the time now) I don't feel any maleness, just me and I know that me is a woman albeit with male physiology. So I think gender fluid no longer applies as I am not switching between the genders only playing the role of male me which I have learned to play quite effectively over my 50 years of life on this planet. However, in reality he, has always been a she.

Cheers

Isha

[Jazzy Jaz]

Hi Isha. I too am usually not on this side of the forum but I followed your post here and I just want to say good luck and I hope you find your path with your recent deeper understanding of yourself. I also think its great how accepting and understanding your wife is and I hope things go well for the two of you.

[PretzelGirl]

Isha, you are one of the most introspective individuals I have seen on this forum. You take every step thoughtfully and with consideration of family and work. I hope that continues to serve you well in relation to positive outcomes. I am going to assume that presenting male also means male name and pronouns. If others went down the path you are going, one of the more difficult parts over time would be hearing 90% Isha and she/her and it will make the other not feel right. Are you sensing any of that already?

[Donnagirl]

Welcome Isha,

I'm still in your shadow, albeit closing rapidly... I accepted some months ago, but still cannot present female at work... (Technicality I'm still fighting but...) I'm not going to be the 'I told you so' character, reckon I share too much of your pain..

I'll be there, treading the path behind you, the only difference bring I've accepted HRT... The psych i was sent to is renowned for ultra caution.. So many complain about how long it takes him to sign off the paperwork, if at all... He diagnosed me after three consultations... Took several more trips to show me how to cope, and I'm sure I'm still in a bit of denial...

Isha, your honesty is so refreshing... Your journey such a battle. Love ya girl...

I'm going to meet you one day soon!!

Donna xxxxxxxxxx

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You can try everything in the world but if you are a woman your life will revert to your nature or you will suffer for it.

When I read some of your posts regarding what's going on at work I got a vibe from all of it that is consistent with your recent posts..

The only thing i wouldn't have thought was how fast it happened...but it did...

I wish you the best in working this out with your wife but just as importantly for yourself
...you can negotiate with your wife, but the gender feelings will end up driving whatever happens...

you are thoughtful and have a wonderful nature and that will go a long way, but respect and understand your own feelings

you are doing the right things...live day to day...try different approaches...be open and honest and communicate... and see what happens...

[stefan37]

GD is relentless and will eventually seek it's own level. You are confronting it head on and finding your balance. You may find that balance tipping one way or the other in the future. Live in the moment and if that means you are where you are, living authentically, keeping the GD under control. Then you are in a good place.

[PaulaQ]

You can't avoid being who you really are, Isha.

Where it goes, who knows? You may never have some of the horrible body dysphoria that leads many of us to surgeries.

I will say that you can't negotiate with this stuff. You've tried, you couldn't do it. You may find that any time spent as male simply no longer makes sense. You may find you do need, over time, some medical support.

I know you don't want to lose your marriage or your career. But this stuff takes what it takes, and there isn't much to be done about it. Face it honestly, as I know you will, and do what ever you have to do. Hopefully you'll be one of the lucky ones.

Please reach out to me if I can be of any help to you.

[Katey888]

:OMG:

Welllll... maybe that isn't too much of a surprise at the end of all that thinking... but I do hope that doesn't mean we'll miss you from 'the other side' here..? Y'know, we still need the considered and thoughtful advice that you've been dispensing so graciously for so long - and you're not obligated to check out all the 'driving-at-night', 'new-padded-bra-but-all-man-underneath' or 'panty' threads anymore... :lol: (Sorry - I thought some humour wouldn't be misplaced... :D)

What you've done in educating the Canadian military as to the need for an understanding of the middle ground is irrefutable and unique, from what I can see - I wonder if this means that you've perhaps paved a more experimental path for those who are uncertain of their identity but need the latitude to explore it in a managed way? I'm certain everything you have done has been good for our community though.. :cheer:

Bless you and good luck with however much further you end up going - I'm sure it will be fascinating and right for you wherever that may be... :hugs:

And y'know - I think your smile is looking much, much healthier and relaxed nowadays too... :)

Katey x

[Suzanne F]

Isha
I know how difficult this process is when we want to give our wives what they need and the dysphoria makes it difficult. The way you describe presenting as male was just like me 6 months ago. Now it is almost unbearable. I don't know that you will progress in the same way but I highly suspect it. My wife has gone through a grieving process but has said goodbye to the male version of me. It was painful but there was no choice in the end. Don't feel alone and keep being honest. Being the authentic you is the only choice in the end I believe.
Suzanne

[kimdl93]

Uncomfortable, but tolerable. It's a familiar feeling.

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

Thanks for the comments and replies.


. . . If others went down the path you are going, one of the more difficult parts over time would be hearing 90% Isha and she/her and it will make the other not feel right. Are you sensing any of that already?

Hi Sue,

The gender pronouns get a bit mixed now and then but I go by my actual given name which works in both genders (Marcelle vice Marcel). There is no difference in the pronunciation unless you are a Francophone then there is a slight difference which I have heard now an then.


. . . Live in the moment and if that means you are where you are, living authentically, keeping the GD under control. Then you are in a good place.


. . . You may find that any time spent as male simply no longer makes sense. You may find you do need, over time, some medical support.


The way you describe presenting male was just like me 6 months ago. Now it is almost unbearable. I don't know that you will progress in the same way but I highly suspect it.

Stef, Paula, Suzanne,

Very good observations and my wife and I have discussed this as a possibility but for now we are going to take things one day at a time. She is cognizant that there may be days when I cannot present male. Will this increase? That is a promise I could not make and she understands and is prepared to cross that bridge once we get there.


:OMG:

Welllll... maybe that isn't too much of a surprise at the end of all that thinking... but I do hope that doesn't mean we'll miss you from 'the other side' here..? Y'know, we still need the considered and thoughtful advice that you've been dispensing so graciously for so long - and you're not obligated to check out all the 'driving-at-night', 'new-padded-bra-but-all-man-underneath' or 'panty' threads anymore... :lol: (Sorry - I thought some humour wouldn't be misplaced... :D)

And y'know - I think your smile is looking much, much healthier and relaxed nowadays too... :)

It's funny, when I finally admitted to my therapist that she may be correct in her assumptions she didn't jump up with a "Hah in your face, I was right!" she merely nodded and said "I knew you get there you just needed time to think it through on your own terms" :)

I wouldn't think about abandoning the other part of the forum :). Yes, my smile is much more relaxed and happy . . . two years ago I had to teach myself to smile again and now it just seems to come naturally.

Cheers

Isha

[Bria]

Isha/Marcelle/Marcel, I'm surprised and I'm not surprised! It became obvious some months ago that your trajectory was in this direction. Just waiting for the projectile to hit!

Just goes to show that we don't know how deep the rabbit hole is when we first jump in!

I hope that thing continue to work out with your wife. I know that sometimes my wife puts a damper on my fem activities, but I can't imagine life without her, so some compromise is necessary and tolerable.

My prayers go with you and your wife.

Hugs, Bria

[KellyJameson]

You have a gift for writing about very complex experiences. Usually it would be to painful to read words such as yours because they could act like a trigger for me. Most who write here I cannot relate to at all but your words strike very close to home.

I did the suppression and avoidance thing for many years and paid a very high price for it.

One thing different is I avoided men where you have immersed yourself into a very masculine culture. You used this culture to suppress your actual self and now you are using it to free yourself. That takes a strength I do not have.

You are going for the very visible and I chose stealth and invisibility.

The body as form and the body as sex were the two problems I could not overcome without transitioning.

Both caused extreme dissonance.

I carried an inner image of what I actually was that became an obsession to bring into existence. Separate from SRS they were actually small changes. No hair where hair should not be and breasts where there were none.

I never had that fascination with breasts that men have. It was always about normalizing myself. I actually did not want breasts because of the attention I knew they would bring and one of the reasons I feared them being to large. Of course now I realize this was more about my fear of male sexuality than anything else. I did not trust men but I have come a long way on learning how to trust them.

There is the pull to find safety in the male body. To hide within it. I see now after the fact that I was doing this. That does not mean you are but I wanted to share with you my own experiences and perspective.

The question to ask is when you remove everything from your life that is holding you back than What are you? Who are you?

Fear and the desire to be safe and survive can create the obstacles that impede our understanding.

There are many reasons Not to Transition that come out of the need To transition.

I found gender dysphoria was to live in a constant state of tension between the constant push pull of opposing needs.

Your words leave me with the impression that you have been relieving this tension. Draining it off by living and being your natural and unrepressed self.

The more I was freed from this tension the more I needed to be completely free from it.

As we stop suppressing it can accelerate until we are completely free of it. The genie is let out of the bottle and it takes on a life of its own.

I often felt like I was riding a wild horse running uncontrolled to uncharted lands.

[Barbara Ella]

Isha, my heartfelt congratulations to you. It is so wonderful the way the military is working with you, no doubt that has been a long time coming.

I know the lengths we must go to to maintain the marriage. After 45 years of marriage, I am walking that fine line between keeping myself and my marriage. It has taken some time to become at ease with my internal knowledge of being a woman in concert with my wife's wishes the community not know and that I maintain a male presence in out town. She accepts my womanhood, HRT, electrolysis, possible body work (not objecting right now) etc, and encourages it when we are out of town It is great to have it under control. How long it stays comfortable is anyone's guess, but, as with us, I sense you two can talk things out and arrive at a working solution.

Hugs, Barbara

[Laura912]

Isha, I would like to really have something clever to say in support of your continued journey but just cannot find the words. Best of success to you in all aspects.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Isha, I don't have any clever words of wisdom to offer you - never having been in that sort of a relationship - and I'm not sure I can understand your present desire not to align your body with your identity; but that apart, I can see you are a very loving and sensitive person and I wish you well in your efforts to support your wife just as she is supporting you.

For however long this lasts, I wish you success.

If things change as many here will expect, please know that we will be there to offer our empathy and support.

[GretchenJ]

Hi Isha,

It appears that your journey is progressing farther than you thought it would progress to. And like Katey, we are hoping that you will continue and to provide your support on CD forum as well.

I have no words to give you, other than continue to do which makes you happy, content, and satisfied. When you decided to come out and present at work, I knew that the days of just going out for a coffee were over.

The fact that you still have no inkling to change your body style to match your new preferred gender (for now) makes me think that (for now) you can consider yourself gender fluid, but you fluidity has just gone from 90/10 to 10/90.

But you have many, many great things in your favor as you continue your path - you are very insightful, and don't rush into things. You have always think both sides and come up with the right answer for you - you are fearless, you have done things that a lot of us can only dream of - you have a great support system and a SO that has been and will continue to work with you in order to make it work. I can imagine the spirited conversations that you and your wife must have had, and you both came back from the other side with agreed upon compromises.

it is not for us to have the "I had a feeling that you would eventually..." , or "I think that you will eventually will ....". Take it day by day, don't look too far down the road for now, and move the suits and tees from the master closet into the small closet. You know, if you are going to go 24/7, you are going to need a bigger wardrobe!!! (Good thing for the uniforms! )

Honestly, I look at your latest avatar , and see huge difference from the time we both joined some time ago. Your face looks much more feminine (not that it was not bad to start with), your smile looks authentic and not forced, I see bright colors on you now - you look great !!!!!

Good luck my friend !
Gretch

[Heidi Stevens]

Isha, your situation seems to be quite common with a lot of us when we realize that we are female deep down. I concluded this last fall and this resolution lead me to seek a gender therapist for conformation and guidance. What took me years, if not decades, to arrive at, she came to the same conclusion with just 4 visits. So what may be obvious to others sometimes takes a while to show to ourselves.
You are lucky that your wife is on board, as well as your employer and friends. This does free you from the extra burden of a forced dual life. My wife is on board only because I pledged my love that I would present as a male to our world of friends and acquaintances. But I am happy where things are now. That may be a point that you and your wife wil have to find in the coming months. Am I happy and can I live as I am now to keep others I hold dear happy as well.
We're on a week long trip to the beach this week. It is the first long vacation we've had since my pledge to her and since starting HRT 6 months ago. I'm hoping both of us will see how much progress has been made on the Heidi front over the past year. Starting from a near divorce situation to a common understanding.

I've really progressed on the HRT. I'm calmer, happier and I hope more fun to be around now that I can let Heidi's personality out if not her exterior. I do hope we can have the same type of conversation that you and your wife just had and come to understand that Heidi is not evil incarnate but a major part of Steve, the man she married.

Keep fighting that good fight, Isha! You both deserve the answers and the happiness! Hugs

[Dana44]

Isha, I do not know what to say. I thought you was one like me. You are still gender fluid. Your male may come back or not. You said for the first time you are women in a mans body. That is pretty telling. I am gender fluid and I never felt that way, yet my female side is as strong as my male side. I do like being male and am mostly male now, yet today I'm fem. But if I tried to stay fem I would switch back to male. It does make it hard on a relationship. MY SO needs a strong male for stability so I have been male more often.

[Rachael Leigh]

Isha I have to say I'm a little surprised by this but as Ive seen how you progressd I guess I should not be. You really have a keen insite on many things related to all of this kind of life. I do wish you well as you move forward and thank you for how you have always supported many here in our group.
Leigh

[Leah Lynn]

I'm not at all surprised, Isha. I've been waiting for it. The question is not "Can you control it?", but rather, "For how long can you control it?" I was at that point where there was a crack in the dam, then, before I knew it, the dam burst. For you and your wife's sake, I hope I'm wrong. I do wish you all the best in this.

Hugs,

Leah

[Lorileah]

Well I am surprised. :) OK not but everyone claims to know before you did and that's just wrong. Maybe because we all follow a similar path, I dunno.

But welcome, if that's the right term. Feels good don't it?

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Your progression has been fascinating to hear about Isha and I love your ability to communicate it so clearly and openly. I have been away from the forum for some months dealing with the complexities of life and realize I have missed a lot (you look so natural and cute in your latest avatar BTW).

I believe that my gender therapist is convinced that I am on the path to HRT and full time female presentation (she has seen it before methinks) and while I am not ready to make that conclusion it just seems to make more and more sense to me. It takes a while to shed the many layered suit of male disguise after all (but I wish it could happen faster).

You are indeed fortunate to have such a loving and understanding wife to help you through this process. Thanks for sharing your story and adventures.

Hugs,
Steph

[mykell]

hi marcel ?,
i just want to wish you all the best in following your heartfelt path,
i also wish that your wife will find peace with whatever transpires for you both as this journey progresses,
thank you for writing well thought out insights of you journeys and retrospect of things that occur here with us.
never really felt why you were so hard on your look, and yes the newest avatar is your cutest.... kateys comment on your smile reminded me of a time i asked you to post a foto without one, probably wrong of me.....i think i just didnt like that it looked forced, not this truly satisfied one you don now....

wish you both all the best....

[Thea Pauline]

Hi Isha,

We haven't interacted much over the years, but as I read your story, I realize it's because our stories are quite similar with mine simply being advanced temporally by about five years. I had a lot of intense experiences as you are now, but my learning style requires that I fully analyze and complete all of my decision making internally, prior to revealing a fully formed theory to the world. In many ways, this makes me a late bloomer, but self acceptance and the ability to rationally explain my decisions has been vital in my transition. I mention this because as I have followed your thoughtful posts over the years, I admired your ability to successfully negotiate your gender stressors and remain positive and upbeat.

I struggled with a word here, as I say I regretfully welcome you to the sisterhood. Regretfully, because although transition has been the most enlightening and liberating experience I have ever gone through, it has been impossible to evade an internal sense of loss at times. As Paula said above, this process takes what it wants and will demand absolute loyalty, but in my case, the rewards have been immense. A path less traveled? Certainly. But the views!

Please know I will be happy to share any aspects of my life that offer another perspective to you, you have only to ask.

All the best,

Thea

[Eringirl]

Hi Marcelle:

Needless to say, this is so complex, for you, as it is for all of us. We all have our own path and unique situations. Parts of my story are similar to yours, others differ. Just keep on doing what you are doing, communicating and being honest with yourself and your wife, etc. Be open to go where it takes you and don't try to force it. For me that just didn't work. Like you, I tried everything to beat it down, hyper male stuff, putting myself in harms way in the line of service to others, etc. But in the end, being who I need to be won out. And I must say, I am much happy now....I have a plan and a pathway that works for me, and that has made a huge difference. You will find your path too. I know you have been very careful and thoughtful about all of this, which is key as it is not a race, as I think you know. Let it evolve....if that is what you truly need. Feel free to PM me.....I am up in your neck of the woods on occasion and happy to drop in for coffee some time....

All the best my friend

Erin.

[Claire Cook]

Dear Isha,


You must know that you are not alone. There are others who feel much as you do -- me included. Although I present as mostly male to the outside world (at least when I have to, at work and with family), I tell myself every morning that I am woman inside. While I do all I can to feminize my external appearance, I stop short of HRT. Like you, I have been a lurker at this forum, and have learned from (and empathized with) those who post here. But your post raises a larger question in my mind. One of the fears that our wives and SO's have is that they will lose their husbands / male partners. I don't intend to lose my maleness, but more and more I let myself be me. (Yeah, I too dress every day around the house. Yeah, Claire LOVES to garden -- but with an old ratty wig and a touch of makeup ... sweaty boobs notwithstanding...and yeah, there are days when the male clothes just don't feel right). And there is nothing Claire likes better than being out with girl friends, or when Sue and I are out doing girl things. But I still love being her guy / husband / male supporter.


I guess you and I are among the lucky ones with understanding spouses (at least to a point?). Where we go from here is, as you say, the question. I think "gender fluid" still applies, at least to me. My solution is to try and embrace that strong female part of me no matter what I am wearing. You have been such an inspiration and source of support for many of us. I come full circle -- you are not alone. We will see where the road leads from here.


Warm hugs,


Claire