Closet Confidence Crash...

[Katey888]

Or: Escape from the doldrums…

Those of you who know me know that I’m a largely closet girl, courtesy of my secretive circumstances and… well, just circumstances really. Even at a peak I wouldn’t dress more than once a week and often much less, but this year has really turned down a lot. After going out in January and having an absolute ball, fully glammed (here if you’re interested: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?224367-The-Enigma-Mad-Hat-T-Ball-31st-January-Woburn-UK&p=3687682&viewfull=1#post3687682) the year turned very drab. I really felt like I wanted to, but time after time I’d prep for it but it just didn’t happen… I had in mind getting some alternate evening dresses – that got me inspired for one session in June – and then back to the doldrums again.

I was beginning to wonder if I was close to purging again… :eek:

Or am I losing my confidence that this is really part of me…? :confused:

At the same time as thinking that I was conflicted with feelings of: “Wouldn’t it be great just to drop this stupid, abnormal obsession…” (feeling negative) with “But I’m sure I miss it and how it makes me feel so good and so right?” (more positive). And then the lingering fear that I think many of us have: “What if I need more than this? How much am I repressing something more?” Hmmm…

So it took me a while, but this is really a post of encouragement for those in a similar situation to my own… I got everything prepped for today, and this time the antsy, arsey, lazy part of me got squished under a shapely stiletto… :yahoo:

I feel soooo much better… :) my makeup was a bit lazy, but presentable – I had some new kit to try out, and some of it worked – but mostly, I’ve recovered the feel good thing that I get through expressing this weird part of me. I still can’t explain why just a few hours relaxing , dressed, snapping a few pics, flicking my hair around should have such a positive impact but it does. The ‘girl will out’ I guess… And what I’m saying to my fellow Closeteers is this:

Try to ensure you get your time when you can, whatever rules you have to bend, mountains that need moving – it may not be as easy or convenient for us to do it, but it doesn’t make it any less important to our emotional well-being to have that outlet for this much needed expression. As I am fond of saying to others, I should have remembered this earlier..

Keep Calm & Carry On! :D

Katey x

[Nikkilovesdresses]

So you're a largely closet girl are you? I always thought you were quite slim!

xxNikki

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Thank you !

[flatlander_48]

K8:

It would seem that desires and motivations come and go. When they go, it is much easier for laziness or rationalization to take over (and maybe even guilt, from the voice of experience!). What works for me is to purchase an item (doesn't have to be large or expensive) and see how that fits into the grand scheme. I will have a particular purpose when I buy something, but to me it is fun when I see what other applications might be possible. When I hit upon something unexpected, that may be a reason to jumpstart things. However, I will admit that the valleys, for me, don't tend to be more that a couple of weeks at most.

DeeAnn

[Suzie Petersen]

Good for you Katey :-)

Phew! With that over and done with, you fortunately dont have to worry about it again for another 6 months or so .... no wait, thats not how it works! Whatcha' doing tomorrow? ;-)

Hugs
Suzie

[CarlaWestin]

Hi Kate, I feel ya'. After watching Ms. Jenner's very public metamorphosis, I began wondering what it was all about for me. As always, it became clear that this is my special gift. I get to have two complete worlds of gender whereas most only get relegated to just one. WE all pull away with that, "what am I doing?" thing but, that's just the teachings of more primitive times showing through. I will never be able to trans, physical and societal limitations but, I sure do love getting all dolled up as the woman of my dreams and fantasies. And, what's wrong with just being happy?

Just be happy and enjoy your gift.

Aren't the one's that put so much energy into being ubermale just kinda' insecure with their constant desire for affirmation?

Just be a girl, Honey!

You know you love it!

[Madilyn A.]

If only the great feeling we experience while dressing could be captured in a new pill or a drink, wouldn't this world be a lovelier place for all !

[Isabella Ross]

Katey, excellent post. I've gone through the same experiences (this summer, in fact). Great advice from a lovely girl.

[Marcelle]

Hi Katey,

Glad to see you got a chance to put your glam on after long to and fro :dance:. So . . . are we going to see any new pictures of Lady K any time soon :)

Cheers

Isha

[raeleen]

I totally feel the same way, Katey. IF I don't get some girl time, after a while I start to feel a bit stifled and start questioning things about my dressing. I've gone this long, do I really need to? Maybe it's something else? etc.

But once I get girled up, I feel so much better, and I don't really know why! Glad you got some time in and thanks for sharing!

Hugs,
Raeleen

[Samantha2015]

Katey, great post. I've never been to the point of purging or taking things further (surgery or hormones) but
many times wondered why the hell this is part of my life ? Then I get dressed up again and that question goes
away at least for a while. The guy side of me likes to look at well dressed sexy women and most men stop there.
What clicks over in a CD's mind and says "damn, I want to be/look like her" ?? Even if only for a few hours.

Maybe we'll never figure it out, but it is just how we are. At least we're not alone. We have some great sisters
here !!! :battingeyelashes:

[Donnagirl]

Hi Katey,
I often wonder if all those years I spend in drab were just me subconsciously trying to make it go away. I did put a dress on in 2001 for a fancy dress party but don't recall the strong feelings frocking up gives me now. I have closeted friends here who regularly last months without the urge succeeding and even then can be a little 'take it or leave it'. But I guess shows the uniqueness of all of us, and the futility of a few defining terms.

Be interesting to see how / if this recent frock up opens the taps (or floodgates) for more Katey time. I'd be surprised if she goes away for any extended period again soon.

And where are the pics????

xx xx xx

[NicoleScott]

Closeteers. I love it. Good one.

[Amy Fakley]

Oh, I sooooooooooooooooo know what you mean, Katey. My closet door is cracked open slightly, but certainly not enough to consider myself "out". It's been nearly a whole year since I had more than an hour or two while my family was out at the grocery store or what have you.

When its all "hurry hurry hurry, the clock is ticking!", it is so hard to get to that mental place where I feel the peace and wholeness ... "rightness" ... what ever you wanna call it ... those fireworks that light up in our crossdresser brains when we let our girl out.

When I'm racing the clock and stressing like that, it's like fireworks in the rain (to extend the metaphor). It's not that enjoyable, and the fireworks won't light ... and at the end of it all you're just wondering why you even tried so hard to make something so impossible happen.

It reminds me of trying to schedule time for creativity ... like ... "I have 20 minutes scheduled today to get inspired and write my new song" ... yeah sure, lol!

And of course, after such a long string of failures like that, it starts to fray the nerves, and make my day to day dude self irritable.

It's the crossdresser's blues, baby. Like the opposite of a pink fog, lol.

It is important to make space for ourselves in our lives ... but it is just a battle sometimes. Easier said than done! So glad you found yourself a girly oasis! We all need one from time to time!

[Shelly Preston]

Katey I agree

Confidence is a crazy thing. It can inspire people to get out but it can just as easily evaporate when you step out the door. Mostly its a problem if you go too long between doing what you love.

Being in the closet presents its own challenges. The cost of purging can be high but also we have to weigh that up against the cost of being outed where it all goes wrong.

I am sure this is part of you Katey but life never seems to make things easy.

I know what you mean about where will this end. That's a question one one can answer for you.
As someone who was in the closet when I joined this forum I have changed a lot. I am now out more than I would ever thought possible.

You have to be as happy as you can be.

[Katey888]

So you're a largely closet girl are you? I always thought you were quite slim!


You wag! :) So I should have said 'closeted', I know.. but I was buzzing on adrenaline, caffeine and endorphins...

Thanks all - I'm glad it struck a chord... It makes me feel better that I'm not feeling this things alone. I almost feel like I should have made myself do this more recently - but that would be silly and possibly counter-productive... I can't see the makeup going on particularly well if I'm feeling antsy and lazy and that would NOT be an inspiring look.. :facepalm:

Pics? Me - post pics...?

:lol:

Up in about 20... :D

Katey x

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Katey, IF YOU EVER get this program figured out, PLEASE explain it to the rest of us.:daydreaming:

[Lizzy66]

Thank you Katy, your post has helped me understand some of the same things I have been dealing with for the past year. Once again a Very Big Thank You.

[Julie Denier]

Very well expressed, sweetie! As you well know, for us closeted girls, every opportunity to express ourselves can be such a relief. So good for you! My own next chance is coming in a few days ... ;)

[Robin414]

Wow, thank you for the inspirational post Katey! 😊

[ReineD]

Good for you Katey! I'm glad you got to do this. :hugs:

[Helen_Highwater]

Good post as always Katey.

"Closeteers" mmmm, is that a show we can promote on the Disney channel that has our own catchy but ditzy theme tune?

[pamela7]

Katey, regardless of how little time you spend dressed, you're on this forum a LOT of the time. Why purge? (oh, yes to get a NEW wardrobe) Why feel antsy? (cos the male mode aint working my friend)

xxx Pammie

[Sometimes Steffi]

Hi Katey, IF YOU EVER get this program figured out, PLEASE explain it to the rest of us.:daydreaming:


I'll call this a hypothesis. It's like hunger (for food). Sometimes a salad is fine; at other times you need a big juicy steak.

[Candice June Lee]

Hello Katey,
Somehow I was thinking you had it all figured out. Your posts seem so positive when I read them. Anyway, I see you are like the rest of us. I too was having issues during the middle of the week. Almost purged everything again, thinking it would be best. However I didn't and had a wonderful time out on Saturday. My wife had a surprise party planned, I was enfem, and with other CD/TS. We had dinner and went to a local bar. We walked in and there was a cake, done more friends and an online friend that I have yet to meet. It turned out great.
So tired line you said, we need our time to be us. No matter what our we will go crazy. Friends online and real time to support us. Maybe we are crazy maybe the others are crazy. I am glad to hear you got back on track.
Keep on chooglin'

[Zoe B]

Hello Katey,

Great post and I thank you for it, I have been 'avoiding' doing anything recently, partly worried and not wanting to 'overdo' it, and like you said worrying about how far is this going to go. I am lucky as my wife is very supportive but I still worry about pushing it too much. Your post has helped me put it all into a little more perspective, and my wife told me to stop worrying about things that are fun...

[Lacey New]

Katey,
Your post is why I love this forum. Like you, i am in the closet and more of an intermittent dresser. Recently rather less than more and perhaps also somewhat frustrated and maybe puzzled by it. But glad to know that i share the same feelings - or someone else shares the same feelings and frustrations that i do. So, even though we are thousands of miles apart, we have this little electronic thread to support each other.

[Adriana Moretti]

awesome post Katey very well said as usual .....xoxo homegirl

[Sharon B.]

Katey; In the closet here also, used to go out for drives and to the post office to snail mail items but here lately haven't gone out at all . Instead of purging have you ever tried packing it away that way when the urge comes back you have something to wear.
There have been times I have forced myself to do it, just because I needed to be in a calmer place, although I keep my body hairless and at times have kept nail polish on my toenails, have worn panties and a bra.

[mykell]

Keep Calm & Carry On! :GD: i dont think we can ever promise anything to ourselves about how far we delve into the rabbit hole, and like the tides we fluctuate with our need or desire which i believe is the biggest difference from being transgender or transsexual, we fluctuate whether in a closet or at the mall, others need to be themselves all the time and feelings remind them constantly that they are not who they truly are....

also being a mod kind of makes this like a job for you at times im sure, you become desensitized to it perhaps.....you know better than to purge either i believe....i know you always seem to think it is bizzare to be this way...here are the synonyms strange (https://www.google.com/search?q=define+strange&sa=X&ved=0CCIQ_SowAGoVChMIkeCP5ZuIyAIVSHI-Ch05kAX9), peculiar (https://www.google.com/search?q=define+peculiar&sa=X&ved=0CCMQ_SowAGoVChMIkeCP5ZuIyAIVSHI-Ch05kAX9), odd (https://www.google.com/search?q=define+odd&sa=X&ved=0CCQQ_SowAGoVChMIkeCP5ZuIyAIVSHI-Ch05kAX9), funny (https://www.google.com/search?q=define+funny&sa=X&ved=0CCUQ_SowAGoVChMIkeCP5ZuIyAIVSHI-Ch05kAX9), curious (https://www.google.com/search?q=define+curious&sa=X&ved=0CCYQ_SowAGoVChMIkeCP5ZuIyAIVSHI-Ch05kAX9), outlandish (https://www.google.com/search?q=define+outlandish&sa=X&ved=0CCcQ_SowAGoVChMIkeCP5ZuIyAIVSHI-Ch05kAX9), outré (https://www.google.com/search?q=define+outr%C3%A9&sa=X&ved=0CCgQ_SowAGoVChMIkeCP5ZuIyAIVSHI-Ch05kAX9), abnormal (https://www.google.com/search?q=define+abnormal&sa=X&ved=0CCkQ_SowAGoVChMIkeCP5ZuIyAIVSHI-Ch05kAX9), eccentric (https://www.google.com/search?q=define+eccentric&sa=X&ved=0CCoQ_SowAGoVChMIkeCP5ZuIyAIVSHI-Ch05kAX9), unconventional (https://www.google.com/search?q=define+unconventional&sa=X&ved=0CCsQ_SowAGoVChMIkeCP5ZuIyAIVSHI-Ch05kAX9&biw=1280&bih=628), unusual (https://www.google.com/search?q=define+unusual&sa=X&ved=0CCwQ_SowAGoVChMIkeCP5ZuIyAIVSHI-Ch05kAX9), unorthodox (https://www.google.com/search?q=define+unorthodox&sa=X&ved=0CC0Q_SowAGoVChMIkeCP5ZuIyAIVSHI-Ch05kAX9), queer (https://www.google.com/search?q=define+queer&sa=X&ved=0CC4Q_SowAGoVChMIkeCP5ZuIyAIVSHI-Ch05kAX9), extraordinary (https://www.google.com/search?q=define+extraordinary&sa=X&ved=0CC8Q_SowAGoVChMIkeCP5ZuIyAIVSHI-Ch05kAX9);....i go with extraordinary and normal myself lately....so i guess what im saying is dont make promises you cant keep, like a purge, and Keep Calm & Carry On!:tongueout glad you had a chance to be yourself and my favorite photo was the curtsy....


bring it in :bighug:


:cute: may have to rename this one "Closeteer"

did i see right .....katey had to make a spelling correction :eek:

[Kate Simmons]

I most always did this but had to actually "live it" to realize it wasn't such a big deal. After I amalgamated all of my feelings and was no longer ashamed of them (as a true manly man would be), I just said "Pffft" I'm gong to be who I want to be when I want to be. The difference being with myself was that I always enjoyed the female aspect. Now after scores of years I'm finally able to enjoy my male side which is much appreciated by my GF, who, by the way, has absolutely no problem with my femme side and even goes to the club with me sometimes with me en femme. Best of both worlds works for me my friend. ;):)

[Pat]

Katey-eighty-eighty-eight -- closeted? I'm shocked. You look so great in your pictures I assumed you were out making the world a more interesting place on a daily basis.

It's pretty solidly documented on the forum that whatever the deal is with us, there's a tide to it. I haven't been able to figure out how to predict the tide so I've learned to not let it bother me when my desire to dress fluctuates -- sort of an "accept the things I cannot change" philosophy. The only place it becomes a problem for me is when I see something cute on sale and I know I'll want it later and I'll kick myself for not getting it. Then I get into the lengthy internal dialogs ("We're not buying it because you won't wear it." "I will! I'll wear it later!" "Then you can buy it later!" "But it's 60% off now!...")

[Victoria Demeanor]

Katey, sister, you are one of the few people that can get me to chance logging in at work to leave a post.
I know exactly what you mean and your feelings resound in my own head. I've gone back and forth on this so much and just when I think I'm going to be ok, I find myself on-line looking at dresses. Oh how I could use some Victoria time. as always your and inspiration and thank you for your encouraging words.
All I can say is thank you for being you.......Alright gotta run for now before someone peers over at my screen

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Katey,
I've sad it before, when we get to feeling that "WTF am I doing this for feeling"
and it's been a while since you've dressed, just go fix your makeup, and put on a dress.
You'll remember WTF your doing it for in no time!
Thanks for the reminder.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[jemima_bates]

Ha! You're bang on the money - as usual.

And, what started out as quite a sad, negative post became something filled with joy.

It is interesting how the desire/urge/need (delete as appropriate) can come and go, and how sometimes I'm *never* happy with a finished look no matter how much I aim for perfection (in my eyes), but I guess it's just like any other hobby/interest/activity (delete as yadda yadda yadda) - there are always going to be natural peaks and troughs.

You sum it up well though, Katey: when you can do it, do it!

Jemima
x

Edited for clarity (and it's still not that clear!)

[GretchenJ]

Great post Katey, (should be a sticky) between what you and Amy stated, you have me down to a science to those of us that are in the closet. Spent a hour today just rotating the fall and summer clothes out, and was just enough to get me over the edge.

Glad to see you had some quality K time today. The alcoholic beverages certainly doesn't hurt.

Keep calm and look stunning !
Gretch

[kimdl93]

I know it's almost impossible, closeted or not, to resist the temptation to ruminate over the positive, the negative, the causative and the speculative. I've done it myself. Comes to nothing, really. Time will tell. In the mean time you might just as well relax and enjoy this part of your life.

[Married CD]

Lately,
It is great for us to see that one of our Moderators has the same internal struggles as we do. Thank you for the post.

[Ally 2112]

Great post im sure a lot of us here feel the same as you .Your not alone :)

[Dana44]

Great post Katey. I will never purge again. That is just too hard. But as you I did not dress enough this summer. Did have a fabulous day at the Austin Pride. But after that, wow it was weeks and after you do dress the girl comes out. It is good for the well being to express yourself.