Totally not worth it!

[Aprilrain]

In a word I'm disappointed. Transition has come with a very high price and hasn't purchased me much.
I still have GD, in both directions! it's been lessened and the insanity of trying to suppress and hide the desire to express myself as (mostly) feminine is gone. Those are pluses.

However in addition to sometimes still wishing I was a woman, wanting a Va JJ and all that I now also have moments where I Wish I'd just been a normal dude. Hell if it weren't for the ****ing GD I'd be well positioned in life just now.

Anyway, to the important part. **** SRS! Doing that I totally regret. Sure it's kinda nice that my undies fit better but definitely not worth the hell I've been through with "complications" = a euphemism employed by the medical profession when they've ****ed up!

I wasn't thrilled about my genitals before but at least I could use the toilet without pissing all over the place. That "complication" in and of it self is enough to regret the surgery! But wait...there's more!
Constant pain, being de-sexed and frankly, it's just gross down there. What I have is not a vagina, it may vaguely resemble one on the outside but that's where the similarity ends.

Oh and dilation sucks x a million squared. I have to use lidocaine cream just to be able to tolerate it.

Not that anyone has asked for my opinion but here it is.
DO NOT GET SRS totally not worth it.

[Badtranny]

So sorry to hear this, but I know it needs to be heard.

I wish I could have been happy with my dude-self as well. One wonders if feeling normal is really worth the cost.

We are sisters, and you know how to reach me if you need to.

[PaulaQ]

I'm really sorry for the way you are feeling, April. GRS is not an easy nor risk free proposition. One of the things I always worry about is that all of our medical treatments are geared toward people who are at either end of the gender binary in terms of identity. Not everyone is, but good luck getting counseling to support that, much less help from a doc to figure out what's going to help your GD. Do you think that could be your situation?

I only ask because I've watched others frankly get zero support in the community (not here, real world) because they didn't follow some cookie-cutter trans treatment plan because it wasn't right for them.

Or is it more you feel as you do because your outcome frankly sucked?

Be well hon, and if I can help somehow, please let me know.

[dreamer_2.0]

This is awful to hear. May I ask who did your GRS?

I too often wish I were a regular guy with no GD. Doesn't appear to be coming true for many of us.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I'm sorry for how you are feeling and I hope you are not feeling bad every day. Are you?

Please take care of yourself especially right now in these moments. If there is anything i can do for you even if its just to talk pls feel free to reach out.

fwiw, i wish i was a normal dude and always have...what i wish doesnt change my reality and i have learned to live with it, and i hope you have ways to reach back and touch the GD you used to feel so you can come to terms with what you had to do..
what you did was about that GD and its nothing like what you are feeling now....

your bad surgery outcome is a tough negative consequence that you are dealing with and i hope it physically improves and gives you a breather from what is feeling like a wave of bad stuff right now

[GabbiSophia]

April that is rough to hear and you have already been through so much. I do hope it gets better but this is the reality I that there is another side that is not all roses and thank you for expressing it.


So sorry to hear this, but I know it needs to be heard.

I wish I could have been happy with my dude-self as well. One wonders if feeling normal is really worth the cost.


I too often wish I were a regular guy with no GD. Doesn't appear to be coming true for many of us.

Yeah I tell my damn GD this all the time!! No matter what I tell it it doesn't go away and SRS appears not to work all the time either! So where is the relief!!?????

[Aprilrain]

For the most part I'm actually doing quite well. I have good things happening in my life. This post isn't really about me it's about the totally unproven and less than scientific approach to "curing" GD. In my estimation transition is only marginally successful at mitagating GD and comes with a host of other problems.

[stefan37]

Curing GD is a tall order. We all have different comfort levels. Some need only hormones, others only need social integration. Others require hormones, social and surgery. There are many that go through the entire process and may have difficulty having their target gender reflected back to them. What works or doesn't work for you may work or not work for me.

You know how hard this is. Some find it so difficult to integrate and have their gender reflected back. They don't have the fortitude to continue and detransition. And even then those individuals may not find relief.

[Frances]

Transition cures transsexuality. Unhappiness with one's gender (gender dysphoria) does not necessarily equate transsexuality. That is the point of a long therapy program: to minimize the chances of success and minimize the chances of regret. This is not directed at you, April, but most people who regret SRS wanted it fast and without psychological exploration. Instead of saying that transition does not cure GD, you should advocate making damn sure that transsexuality is the problem before having SRS.

I have a question for you: do you think you would feel the same if you had not experienced the complications?

[arbon]

SRS has been a difficult thing for me to go through. at 4 1/2 month post op my labia still hurts to any kind of touch and wearing anything tight is still out of the question. I just started wearing loose fitting jeans again last week. My lower abdomen is in constant pain still. Peeing is messy and I have a lot of seepage which has been difficult to cope with. I use the cream too for relief when dilating. My vulva is indented into my body about 1/2" in an oval shape, which looks a bit weird. I need to do electrolysis in a place where I can't even begin to imagine how bad it is going to hurt. I'm broke financially and may be living out of my car soon if things don't start turning around soon. It has been a rough recovery and taken a lot out of me in just about every way. Some of my realities with this surgery.

Despite that I don't regret it nor would advise against it if someone needs it. I don't have those old parts anymore thats kind of a big deal to me. Don't want them. Maybe if in a year and I am still suffering from the surgery maybe I will come to regret it if I am still hurting. I don't know, but I can't imagine wishing I had those parts again. If I had known fully what was in store for me from this surgery I still would have done it.

GD is nothing like it used to be but I still struggle with some too. I still think I look like a guy and I have hard time believing people when they say I don't. Well I don't believe them. I think I deserve it when I get gendered as male. I feel like I will be alone the rest of my life because of this and that no man will ever really see me as a woman. Maybe one day I will be at peace with myself with all of it.

[STACY B]

That whole deal is Worse than Tough ,, I feel for you I really do,, Trying to run this crap off in the Ditch and then having that Bad deal happening to you makes you feel you can't win for losing for sure. Lots I mean LOTS of people get on here with no understanding about this whole deal. By that I mean most if not a lot think that everyone that is Trans is going to have the Operation! NOT TRUE, We all have Gender Dyphoria True,, But Not all have the other Body Dysphoria part,, Big difference BIG BIG BIG DIFFERENCE ,, I for one don't have it,, Now I am going to take care of the pesky T problem so I can get off the blockers, But as for the rest I am in a Long term relationship and have no desire to do the Big one, An I have Insurance ,, So it's not the Money,, Why would I want to risk it if I don't need too.


SO PLEASE,, PLEASE people take that into consideration that some people have to do it at all cost for there state of mind. But not all,, I am Sorry that it didn't go well for you and some other really I am ,, I hate to see someone suffer as you have for sure. Hopefully they will be able to right the wrong in the future and you will be OK,,, I will be praying they do. :2c:

[whowhatwhen]

Thank you for posting this, it's one of the biggest things that concerns me about getting SRS.
In fact, it's like the 3rd or 4th time I've read of someone having complications and it kinda shakes your confidence.

I do hope you can get it corrected somehow, has there been any luck finding someone who can fix it?

[Badtranny]

Stacy, careful not to be dismissive of April's comments, because you don't feel the same way. There are a LOT of girls who are in her same boat but they don't have the courage to talk about it.

Another thing that April is addressing is that GD seems to persist after transition sometimes. I have seen this as well, and my heart goes out to them. I've met April up close and she reads 100% female. I felt like a damn Sasquatch standing next to her.

I feel like her discomfort or pervasive GD may have been a strong push towards the GRS in order to finally feel normal. The surgery could have had a better result, but she still feels incomplete. These feelings are far more common than we think, and I think they need to be addressed in a big way.

I feel unbelievably lucky because my transition worked. I kept having procedures until I felt good, and then I was finished. I do feel complete now, but I absolutely can understand what April is saying because I myself walked that edge for a long time. I think for some of us, therapy may be more important than the procedures. Therapy so that we can accept that we may always fall short of our expectations. People de-transition because the pain of NOT being a normal woman is just too much to bear.

I can tell you from personal experience that 'passing' is only the first hurdle for a transitioner. The "life" can be a tough one and we really need to listen to those that are having very real issues.

From unimaginable pain comes immeasurable wisdom.

[Eryn]

...I only ask because I've watched others frankly get zero support in the community (not here, real world) because they didn't follow some cookie-cutter trans treatment plan because it wasn't right for them.

If by "cookie cutter" you mean the "you must have GRS" attitude, how does a person in the real world know whether or not a person has had GRS? The status of one's genitals shouldn't come up in polite conversation. If someone is gauche enough to bring it up they should be told that it is none of their business.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i was concerned about complications from grs...
i made a choice at surgery to do the operation but NOT do the labiaplasty at the same time... my dr (meltzer) felt that labiaplasty was a risk because of all the other stuff that's done... i never actually did the 2nd operation because i didn't feel i needed it..

i am not interested in how mine compares to someone elses...i know how it made me FEEL, and i just don't feel like going through the pain of another procedure ....i had reached my goal

I want to bring up that the words gender dysphoria are important and i've never met a transsexual woman that transitioned and suffered gender dysphoria... i've seen feelings of inadequacy or deep shame that remaine unresolved...i've seen women(mtf) that struggled with loved ones or lost jobs, and i've seen alot of depression which i feel can be a comorbid condition... all this makes it very hard to treat transsexuals

I can't speak for April, but i would comment that its important to focus on the difference between depression and frustration and how difficult it is to actually transition versus persistent gender dysphoria...
i've just never met anyone that transitioned and years later complained of gender dysphoria...i have met alot of people that transitioned and are still unhappy with being transsexual...

[GabbiSophia]

For the most part I'm actually doing quite well. I have good things happening in my life. This post isn't really about me it's about the totally unproven and less than scientific approach to "curing" GD. In my estimation transition is only marginally successful at mitagating GD and comes with a host of other problems.

I read an article from a Harvard professor who down played the need for SRS to "cure" us. Very upsetting article because he said that all this needed to dealt with by abstaining. I was dishearten to read that he used the words that none should change their sex because it has been found that getting SRS does not help or cure anything and that the reality is the mortality rate is high afterwards.

Though this idiot Harvard Dr. doesn't relate social acceptance with the completion of the surgery as the linking cause to the mortality rate. It does bring out the fact that life is hard in front of SRS or behind it. As almost everyone on here has said all it did is cure the GD and as others have stated "it doesn't cure any of your other problems. You better get them worked out first before you start SRS or otherwise your going to be highly disappointed."!!

I for one have fought with this part so much of trying to figure out the other garbage. I do question where the lines are and I have changed therapists in hopes to further figure this *&^& out. I am not trying to say that April has or has not any of this but I do.

April I am so thankful that you have posted and I am glad you are doing well.

[Lorileah]

April, I am sorry things aren't working as planned. Is it correctable? I do appreciate your warning and I think it is very important for people to see the reality of all this. GRS isn't the holy grail.

Maybe I am a bit more pragmatic in all this. The genitals are a long way from my brain, so I never expected the surgery to do any more than change the anatomy. I am doing it all for "me" and no one else. I understand the surgical implications and possibilities. But thinking that changing your body will somehow change your thinking confuses me. I often wonder when people post here that when they wake up from surgery, life will be unicorns and rainbows. That finally the world will be in order. Your post reinforces that and it serves as a great warning- wake up call to those who are following. Did someone tell you in the process that things would be better after surgery? I have to question that person's thoughts. None of my therapists or surgeons intimated that at all. Maybe for some, maybe for many, everything aligns but being a surgeon, I would question that. My patients can't talk but for most the surgery just makes life more tolerable or doesn't really change anything at all. Repairing any defect, be it a bone or tissue, never gets you 100% like the original equipment.

Since I am now on the road and on "the list" I have talked to a few post-ops. Mileage varies. Almost 100% hate dilation and several just don't do it. The majority are happy with the physical results. And, in my sphere, most everyone healed well (some a little longer than others). So, I am tentative but hopeful on mine. Having the resource of those who have done it is invaluable. One of the main reasons I like this forum. You get honest opinions.

Again, I'm sorry your results weren't what you expected and I do appreciate and applaud that you shared that here. As they say.."The more you know"

[becky77]

I almost don't want to read this as I already fear the op.
I really hope things get better April, it's horrible to hear that you are suffering.

I have already set myself up that the op won't solve my problems, it will just alleviate one issue.
I would say since transitioning my GD is gone, but I do suffer low self esteem and a feeling that I will never be adequate or fit, still I have felt that my whole life so things are still better.

If I had 100% problems before and Transition fixed 60%, surgery cured 10% then I'm still 80% better even if I will always have 20% issues carry over.

The key is being a realist, it can be depressing at times but at least you're ready.

I do feel like Arbon in that I can't conceive of a normal nice guy wanting me, that makes me question the procedure. Should I just have the cosmetic procedure and be safe but rule out any future relationships.
It does feel like a gamble and it makes me feel bitter that it's part of my life.

[Badtranny]

I only ask because I've watched others frankly get zero support in the community (not here, real world) because they didn't follow some cookie-cutter trans treatment plan because it wasn't right for them..

Yes but I think that is beginning to change.

As you know, I am one of those who eschewed the 'cookie cutter' transition. Started a whole blog about it, and I have definitely sensed a shift in the zeitgeist over the last 5 years.

There are still those who may believe that I am not "real", but they have a lot less support than they used to.

Also, it should be noted that of all the things I've had to endure during my transition, (which is over now for the record), bitchiness from the trans community barely registers on the difficulty meter.

[Lorileah]

I do feel like Arbon in that I can't conceive of a normal nice guy wanting me, that makes me question the procedure. Should I just have the cosmetic procedure and be safe but rule out any future relationships.
It does feel like a gamble and it makes me feel bitter that it's part of my life.

This could be a whole new thread. It is something I have thought for a long time. But again, I have reconciled the fact that I am doing it for me, not to gain a partner. To be honest, at this moment I have ruled out a lasting relationship. Then again, one can dream.

Melissa, you have always been the voice of reality here. :) I can't imagine anyone saying you aren't real. In the last month, when I talked to people about "Getting in line for surgery" I have had several look at me questioningly and say "You haven't had that already?" Point is, no one is going to see what's down there unless you want them to.

I hope support is getting better. My wish is to make it so for others. Talk to me in 6-8 months, and see if I change my feelings on that :)

[LeaP]

Motivation and need can change and did, for me. Before starting hormones, the thought of transition (surgery inclusive) may have been deeply frightening in some respects, but the psychological firestorm that I was in blasted me down the path. I would have done ANYTHING to stop all that. But then most of it dissipated with hormones! I briefly thought the GD was gone. End of path! Well, no. Turns out that the calm simply unmasked my physical discomfort, between what I expect and what I see. It's distressing and there's motivation in that. But an even stronger motivation is the despair over wasting my life. THAT distress gets worse every day. Worse, I hit a milestone birthday this year that sent me over the edge in that regard, almost to the point of giving up.

I'm not so specific about the need and motivation any more. It just feels like pressure to BE. '

Anyway ...

Tautological reasoning on the nature and extent of gender/sex issues in the face of physical difficulties (in particular) is dangerous. Physical pain, suffering, loss of basic functions and control - all can be every bit as debilitating as GD. People are driven to suicide by such things and short of that, can have their lives effectively destroyed. If "regret" is going to be invoked in this context, it would pay to be careful and respectful as to any implications.

[Angela Campbell]

One of the reasons I did everything for transition a little bit different. I had facial surgery but not exactly like others have, i had srs and still different from most. I am very pleased with the results, but the price was enormous.


I lost my job, house, car, savings, kids, and 90% of everything that I owned.

The experience of my srs was miserable, and yet better than what Arbon has gone through. Three months of agony, two surgeries, and 3 inches of depth. But it looks natural and I can orgasm.

Would I do it knowing what I know now? Yes I would. But I would caution anyone else to make sure that you are doing this for the right reasons, and know exactly what you are getting into.

I really didn't feel much different after the surgery emotionally or psychologically. I kinda expected to but I didn't. I do feel more complete though now, and despite the cost there are no regrets.

I chose my path not for sexual reasons, I never expected a normal sex life again. I went for a much less invasive procedure, no vaginal cavity, no dilation, much less healing time. Less chance of complications.

[dreamer_2.0]

Some really honest and powerful posts here. They remind me that the possibility of regret, while supposedly small, is still there. Some of the posts resonate with my own questions: Will I be alone forever? Will I truly be happy? Will I be seen as a real woman in the world? Will I understand what it's like to live without GD? Is all this actually possible or just a pipe dream? Will it be worth it? So many unknowns. Although one thing that is known is that I have to try. I can't imagine getting even older and still not doing anything about the GD.

I really hope things get better for you, April, and to all of us struggling...

[PaulaQ]

Yes but I think that is beginning to change.


I was more talking about the medical community. The trans community is definitely getting it. I generally counsel people to do GRS if pruning shears are starting to seem appealing - I.e. they have really serious dysphoria over their genitals. If not, I recommend against. For a lot of us, FFS is a much better use of coin. I base this on conversations I've had here and in my local trans organization.

Again though, it's hard to find a surgeon who'll make you androgynous. There's just a lot of pressure towards cisnormativity.

[Megan Thomas]

I can't speak for surgeons in other countries, but in the UK the NHS surgeons normally discuss a long list possible complications before you are put on the waiting list for surgery. It is major surgery, make no bones about it, with no guarantee of success and depending on the complication could leave you reliant on a stoma bag or worse.

A less than successful outcome can be devastating for the patient and I personally feel there is too little focus on this possibility during the counselling stage of NHS funded transition. I also feel the recovery times given for surgery are perhaps a little optimistic or based on a truly fit and healthy individual. If you have underlying health issues you should consider the prospect of a longer recovery period and a greater likelihood of complications - predominantly infection control and healing time.

The OP made a valid point about peeing being a messy business. It is for women generally when compared to the "point & shoot" of a male urinating. Feeling de-sexed is also a valid point, especially before (and if) clitoral sensation appears. For highly sexed people that in itself can be disastrous but keep in mind a sex life and relationships come in many forms. Standard intercourse is just one of the ways. As for dilation... Yeah, it's a pain, a life-long pain, and uncomfortable for many. Do not cast aside the prospect of thrice daily dilation following surgery, nor the ongoing requirement for some regular dilation for the rest of your life, without really considering if you can commit to it.

As for value for money, it depends where your dysphoria is focused the most IMHO. Sorting out your body below the waistline won't show as much as FFS, breast augmentation or a hair transplant does. If you lack in the latter areas then whatever your genitals resemble won't improve your mindset when you undress and look in the mirror. If you need procedures to look like a convincing female naked in the mirror then put your money into doing those before paying for GRS.

Ultimately it's your choice to do what you want, in the order you want, in a time frame you want. But as already said, take your time and really consider all the "what-ifs" of your intent. :)

[Donnagirl]

Can I just say this scares me... I have a friend here with a fistula which has badly affected her ongoing happiness.

Does anyone have a good news story to counter???

[Barbara Ella]

April, I am so very sorry to hear this. I cannot pretend to discuss the feelings one has post op. I can relate to the feelings of GD that go on interminably in the present and the thoughts about what can be done to achieve some degree of relief. And the continuing thought that relief may not be achieved. At my age GRS is not likely. I am however very body oriented and hope to have liposuction, body modification, fat transfer for hips and butt lift, and eventually BA. Will that relieve my discomfort, who knows, but it is my step forward, and it is always a crap shoot

I pray your difficulties can be lessened, and your GD addressed. I trust you will see what you have done as positive steps forward in your journey. No one's journey is in any way similar to any one else's, so no comparisons are meaningful. You are an individual treasure.

Hugs,

Barbara

[Kelly DeWinter]

When AprilRain posted "However in addition to sometimes still wishing I was a woman, wanting a Va JJ and all that I now also have moments where I Wish I'd just been a normal dude." is THE question that needs to be firmly settled in someones mind before transition, Who am I ? Am I a Woman or Am I a Man ? Counseling can only help you frame the question. Sometimes I wonder if it is similar to what I went trough as a budding artist. I doubted myself and my abilities when compared to other artists especially the Master Artists. When I firmly decided in my mind that I was an Artist, the results in my work improved by leaps and bounds. I actually felt and believed in myself AS an Artist. Sure there were areas I lacked techniques and skills that others had as an Artist that I did not. But my Skills and Abilities were unique to me, and that was good enough for me. I have approached my sometimes overwhelming Gender Identity the same way. I have found peace in being the best me that I can be.

[Kate T]

I'm on a phone so please apologies short reply.
Firstly, April, I am truly sorry for your discomfort. It can be horrible when medical stuff goes wrong. I hope you can be pain free in the (very) near future.
Secondly I wonder if there is a need to further examine Gender Dysphoria in particular as it relates to physical anatomy. I think Kaitlyn and a couple of others touched on this. My personal opinion is that we may be better off thinking of Gender Dysphoria and what I will call body Dysphoria as linked but separate concerns. Gender Dysphoria to me relates to the social and relationship aspects of not being in sync with how we feel about ourselves. Body Dysphoria as I see it relates to being happy with ones physical appearance. I'm not saying one is more important than the other, just that believing correcting one will correct the other (ie correcting body Dysphoria will correct gender Dysphoria) is not necessarily the case.

[kimdl93]

April, what can I offer of value. Nothing, really, except that I'm so sorry you've had to endure this.

[Pink Person]

April, you have my deepest sympathy.

We all have some form of gender discomfort or dysphoria. It’s a struggle to cope with it, but I cope with mine.

For the record, I am strongly opposed to hormone therapy and surgical intervention for myself and am somewhat less strongly opposed to it for other people who might want it. In my opinion, there is far too much psychological and social dysfunction in the world regarding transgender issues that inflates our personal issues about being transgender. Deflating psychological dysfunction and social dysfunction with positive psychological and social remedies that don’t involve hormones and surgery is a vastly underserved area of transgender healthcare. In my opinion, we are still in a primitive stage of addressing transgender health issues.

Hormones and surgery work for some people sometimes. New problems sometimes take the place of old problems when these things don’t work as expected. I have had some good results by staying focused on resolving my emotional issues and managing my conscious and subconscious thought processes. In my experience, I have learned how to be transgender better over time. It’s something that I’m still learning and expect to continue to learn.

[Michelle789]

I generally counsel people to do GRS if pruning shears are starting to seem appealing - I.e. they have really serious dysphoria over their genitals. If not, I recommend against. For a lot of us, FFS is a much better use of coin. I base this on conversations I've had here and in my local trans organization.




As for value for money, it depends where your dysphoria is focused the most IMHO. Sorting out your body below the waistline won't show as much as FFS, breast augmentation or a hair transplant does. If you lack in the latter areas then whatever your genitals resemble won't improve your mindset when you undress and look in the mirror. If you need procedures to look like a convincing female naked in the mirror then put your money into doing those before paying for GRS.


Both of you have really hit on something. I agree that unless you have really serious genital dysphoria that FFS or BA is a better use of your resources. In fact, I would probably say that FFS is a better first choice for surgery than BA. My belief is that, unless you really hate your genitals, or you're blessed with lots of money, the best way is to get FFS first, BA second, any other body sculpting surgeries third, and SRS last.

For many of us, myself included, being able to be taken as a female, without question, at first glance is highly important to us. FFS is often the number one surgery needed to pass as a woman. SRS has no bearing on whether or not you pass. If your breasts are too small, you can always wear padding to make your breasts appear larger as long as you dress conservatively and avoid cleavage exposing clothes. This works well if you plan on working in a professional environment, and may be a bummer if you like to go to the beach.

For me, being mis-gendered causes severe dysphoria. I believe that someone mentioned how being clocked and having someone let you know that you don't pass can trigger dysphoria. It certainly does for me. I really resent it when someone calls me sir or he. It happened once by the TSA at JFK airport, and once on my plane back to L.A. A woman at the Delta counter didn't use any pronouns and it was obvious she was struggling to gender me properly. Getting mis-gendered also makes me feel unattractive, and as woman, trans or cis, feeling and being attractive is something very important to us. Why is passing so important?

1. Safety

2. Being able to get a job

3. Being able to be considered "conventionally attractive". Even cis-women who are not "conventionally attractive" often face discrimination. Most of the perks that women receive, which are few to begin with, are only awarded to pretty girls. And no matter what anyone says, your face determines whether or not you are considered one of the pretty girls. Your face plays 80% towards your attractiveness, and 80% towards your passability.

4. Being gendered properly 100% of the time. Being mis-gendered can cause dysphoria, as I said above.

5. Being able to look in the mirror each morning and see a girl, and not a feminine man.

6. Feeling complete as a woman.

7. Being socially accepted as a woman among other women.

8. Your own self esteem. How we feel as woman is often linked to how attractive we are. Often FFS / plastic surgery can make us feel more at peace with our appearance and thus ourselves.

I might also add hair transplants as important because wearing a wig can get us clocked, no matter how good our hair looks. Natural hair goes a long way towards helping you pass.

Getting SRS makes no difference in whether or not you pass, except when dealing with dogs, or the TSA X-ray machines, or god forbid a rape. SRS is great for anyone feeling severe genital dysphoria. If you really, really hate your penis and desire a vagina, than SRS may be your first surgery choice. If you really, really hate your face or are having trouble passing, than FFS is probably your first surgery choice.

I do not advocate for vocal chord surgery unless your voice is so terribly deep that you need it to be able to speak in the female range. Vocal chord surgery can seriously leave your vocal chords permanently damaged and you may never be able to speak above a whisper again. A botched FFS, BA, or SRS, can always be corrected with more surgery, not matter how costly. A botched vocal chord surgery is irreversible, no matter how much money you have. I would tell everyone do not get vocal chord surgery. I have no plans on vocal chord surgery and I will gladly attempt to retrain my voice using voice retraining therapy techniques, no matter how painful or slow. Besides, there are 9 elements of speaking like a female - pitch is only one of them. Vocal chord surgery only corrects the pitch - it doesn't fix the other eight.

@April - I'm really sorry this happened to you. I don't know what your financial resources are like, but is there any way you can get your genitals fixed? I have heard of people having complications with SRS and having to go back to get it fixed - is this in any way in the cards for you?

[PamTG]

That is what I like about forums like this is that you can get so many different opinions about all of this and even though I would love to not have a penis just thinking about complications during surgery has me scared so much and I feel bad that it hasn't turned out the way that you wanted. Perhaps I will just take hormones and eventually just get the curves and the breasts and then be complete and not worry what is between my legs because I can always tuck for the rest of my life and perhaps I wouldn't be any happier with a V than a P. I guess time will tell in what direction I really decide to choose.

[Badtranny]

I.
Just.
Can't.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

wasnt it a couple months ago folks were getting blasted for saying dont transition unless you have to... blasted for being too negative...

april you sure set off some passionate comments..

i wonder about alternatives.. in my mind, this is a medical procedure...in all medical procedures you take advantage of the best available technology.

unfortunately for us, we take risks we really can't control very well (surgery risks), and we are mostly forced to self identify (which i think most people are hugely invested in their self id).. its risky..

being transsexual sucks... the options are stark, or at least seem very stark... and for whatever reason the rabbit hole of gender dysphoria is one way... and the only way to crawl out is to live your gender...

pink and others live their true gender which is NOT transsexual, so their experience managing GD is IRRELEVANT...i am just shocked over and over that well meaning people don't get what it means to actually be transsexual


ive said it before, i was ambivalent... i am thrilled i got the surgery afterwards... i couldn't separate my fear of surgery, my shame and my body dysphoria.....it came out as being unsure..but something led me to do it...
i am so sorry that some suffer complications and I sure would be upset if i had bad complications....

but i come out that if you can say you need the surgery, you get the surgery...second guessing afterwards comes with rose colored glasses...it was the GD that got you there...

[docrobbysherry]

I thank all of u for your honest posts. About the details of being trans that we rarely get to hear about. Excuse me if I find it all a bit terrifying. I need a good cry now----

[Rianna Humble]

We all have some form of gender discomfort or dysphoria. It’s a struggle to cope with it, but I cope with mine.

For the record, I am strongly opposed to hormone therapy and surgical intervention for myself and am somewhat less strongly opposed to it for other people

Just because a cissexual person can cope with their claimed Gender Dysphoria, does not invalidate the very real experience of transsexuals.

Pink, I'm glad that you are "somewhat less strongly opposed" to treatment that can be literally life-saving for a transsexual. It is good to see that we don't have to suffer your total disapproval of our right to live. I'm sure that many people will be glad that you condescend to allow that we might actually need vital medication that you oppose.

[Zooey]

April - I'm so sorry to hear about all the complications you've had. I agree that it's not something we hear about often enough, and I'm glad you shared your experience.


I.
Just.
Can't.

Yup - I'm planning a strategic retreat to a bunker. A bunker with a Starbucks that serves PSL all year long.

Or maybe just Safe Haven - whatevs.

[Aprilrain]

To answer some questions:

I went to Dr Meltzer, I've been back twice and had further procedures to correct the difficult dilation and peeing on myself. The peeing got better for awhile but has gone back to how it was. The dilations never got better. My GP has prescribed the lidocaine which helps to a degree.

For those who don't know I was fully transitioned for four years before having SRS. I had and still have a therapist, endocrinologist, GP, Etc. nether transition nor SRS were decisions I entered into on a whim.

There is this belief (faith?) in the trans community that if you dot your I's and cross your T's you'll cure the GD. And let's face it none of us imagines a life where we have lost everything when we make the decision to transition so even if we intellectually know that transition "only cures GD" (if it even does that) and we know we could lose everything we hope for a better life than the one we've been living. Why else would one take the risk?

So yeah, I don't have that pervasive soul crushing need to look like a woman anymore. I've achieved that. But I don't really feel like a woman and I'm not even sure why I needed to be one so badly but yet I still do. It's all very strange and sometime leaves me wishing I could have just been happy being the dude I was. Minus the GD and a bad marriage, life was good!

Anyway like I said my life is not bad outside of the internal dialogue. I have resources, some friends, and othe fulfilling aspects to life. I just think there needs to be more research done in the trans field of medicine. We have not found adequate treatment in my opinion.

[Eringirl]

I wasn't going to chime in on this one, but ya'll know me...big mouth....

I was discussing this topic just the other night with two very good friends and we all have different opinions based upon our needs. I am not going to pontificate what is right for others, I just know what I need to do.

For me SRS is a major priority, so it is the first surgery. My therapists and others in my medical team agree. Okay, so no one is going to know, relative to the obvious effects of other surgeries, but I will know. I am doing it for me. That will be followed by FFS if needed. Most are saying that I won't need it, given my bone structure and genetic make up. That, in turn, will be followed by BA, again, if needed. But that is going to be at LEAST 2 or 3 years down the road before I will know, allowing time for HRT to work its magic, and my genetic makeup.

I have selected my surgeon who is only 3 hours away by car and he and his clinic have an excellent reputation with very very good results. A friend of mine is having her surgery there in a couple of weeks, so I am hoping to be able to support her when she is back and recovering.

So, yup, this is all about me. This is a very personal choice and I only know what is right for me, not for others. Here's to whatever works for you....:wine:

[LeaP]

I went to Dr Meltzer ...

There is this belief (faith?) in the trans community that if you dot your I's and cross your T's you'll cure the GD. And let's face it none of us imagines a life where we have lost everything when we make the decision to transition so even if we intellectually know that transition "only cures GD" (if it even does that) and we know we could lose everything we hope for a better life than the one we've been living. Why else would one take the risk?

So yeah, I don't have that pervasive soul crushing need to look like a woman anymore. I've achieved that. But I don't really feel like a woman and I'm not even sure why I needed to be one so badly but yet I still do. It's all very strange and sometime leaves me wishing I could have just been happy being the dude I was. Minus the GD and a bad marriage, life was good!



What is Meltzer's take on the situation?

There is a focus on GD - period. The reason, of course, is that most TS experience it. At the clinical levels that would qualify for an actual diagnosis, it's incredibly debilitating. (Which you know.) But that is almost invariably taken to mean the host of co-morbid conditions, not distress specifically over incongruence. If the issue is incongruence AND there is distress over it then yes, I would expect transition to resolve both. It may or may not mitigate co-morbid issues. It seems logical that it would, to the degree they are triggered by the core incongruence problem and the directly-related GD, but it doesn't always work that way. I believe that dysfunctions can become part of your core persona and behavior. Modalities like cognitive therapy are aimed (in part) at unwinding it.

The comment over not remembering (feeling, really) why you transitioned and if it was really necessary doesn't surprise me, as I've heard that from most post-ops. My doctor has made the same observation several times. She says sometimes it just feels like she traded one side of the bed for the other ... and then questions did she really need to ... But she did need to and knows that, too. I take all this as an indication of normalcy. She reflects back, but in a normal, stable mind, thinking that if this normalcy was in her, why could she not have done things differently? The answer is obvious, but it doesn't change how she experiences herself now.

[Eryn]

I think it a bit much to expect the surgeon to offer much advice in the psychological arena. The surgeon's task is to make physical changes and other professionals should have addressed the psych issues before the surgeon entered the picture.

Nothing we do is a cure for GD. The aggregate of all the things we do may make us feel better about ourselves, but I think some vestige of GD will always remain.

[Frances]

For the record, I had complications too. I had a severe infection that made even the contact with water hurt like heck. Orgasms took 8 months and peeing is still an issue after almost 5 years. I still pee a little on myself. I would say that recovery took years, not months. I also had two small revisions.

SRS was not a priority for me. Social transition took care of a lot of stuff. There was no legal sexual designation without surgery at the time, and I wanted that. I am glad I did it, but dilations are still hard and my two attempts at sex have not been easy. It also sucks for dating, as the man will have to know that penetration will require super human strength.

I experienced a professional burnout since transitioning. I have been back in therapy (10 years total now, ending today). It turns out that post-transition, post-SRS therapy was as important as the therapy leading up to it. My anxiety had blown up to insance proportions and I was living in fear of some much stuff. It did not make me regret transition, but it made stay cloistered in my apartment all the time. There is a pre-transition depression, and there can be a post-transition one too.

During the time when I had the infection, the pain was excruciating and dilations were nearly impossible. If regret ever came into the picture, it was at that moment. I remember thinking "why did I do this to myself?"

One very important thing though: The thing with curing GD is that there is no Gender Euphoria. It is boring as s**t to be cis.

[LeaP]

I think it a bit much to expect the surgeon to offer much advice in the psychological arena. ...

I wasn't asking about psych issues and I was trying to ask more discreetly, but since it seems to have caused misunderstanding, let me ask outright: Did Meltzer screw up and does he acknowledge it? Does he express an opinion as to why you have these issues while others do not? Does he think they will resolve?


One very important thing though: The thing with curing GD is that there is no Gender Euphoria. It is boring as s**t to be cis.

Ironic - one of the concerns I expressed to my therapist was not knowing how to be normal. While I don't live for my drama (to be euphemistic), I can see how it's protected me and enabled me to get by.

[Abby Kae]

I've been watching this thread with trepidation since I was first made.

My only input is that I'm so sorry you're going through this, April.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

My GD is gone.

I still go to therapy
...i still talk about how growing up repressed and trans changed me and how it impacts me today..i still suffer terrible anxiety around some things that i think can be explained by my past and how i lived inside my head..
i still suffer shame issues and still have trouble saying simply "i am a woman"... that still seems strange to me after all those years and all that conditioning...
I still feel awkward when with a group of ciswomen..but i'm far from dysfunctional and feeling awkward is a nothing more than feeling awkward..i'm sure lots of women feel awkward or insecure around others..

so i don't think thats gender dysphoria.... not even a little bit....
i do wish i wasn't transsexual... i wish i was either a cis guy or girl...i wouldn't care... cis MEANS YOU DONT CARE, you just ARE.... and guess what....
I'm transsexual...I DONT CARE THAT I"M A WOMAN.... I just AM....it is very rare outside of here and my speeches to even think of my gender...

i'm thrilled to be past the gender dysphoria...it hurt me so much for so many years...it took so much away from me (and others)...and in the end it was burying me..
and not its all over...

lots of issues, lots of problems, lots of comorbid issues...but i have a strong remembrance of how i felt...i consult old journals and I am LITERALLY shaken by what i wrote...it was DARK, it's like it was written by a trapped animal...and like a trapped animal i did what it took to get out of the trap...no compromises...i just did it..just like others here...and i feel the consequence was exactly what i expected...the end of GD and the beginning of something else..

I had no choice...looking back serves to remind me why i did it, but that's it.

My own nature is to focus on what got me here...the OUTCOME is ALWAYS uncertain...risks are real...choices get made, crap happens or it doesnt...some of the outcomes are out of our control..but the alternatives were unacceptable ...

and I think all of us are well served to stay in touch with that feeling that led us to transition....if you havent felt that feeling, i hope you never do..

[Badtranny]

Nothing we do is a cure for GD. The aggregate of all the things we do may make us feel better about ourselves, but I think some vestige of GD will always remain.

Wait, what?

I don't think April's experience is common among TranSitioned women. I have read some accounts but April is the first person I know personally to have mentioned it.

I've said many many times that as bad as my transition has been (and I can't really complain) the fact that I feel normal now is worth all of it. My GD is absolutely gone, because I am now free to be me. It would be nicer of course to not be a freak, but I'll take this over being a melancholy dude any day.

Look, I don't want to be rude, but April has been working on her transition for years. Procedures, coming out, more procedures, she is up on the wire living her post-transition life and I think it's inappropriate for someone who hasn't had a single procedure and is in fact still predominately closeted to say something like this. It's also totally wrong. Kait and I are just two examples but I bet there's dozens just on this board.

[Aprilrain]

I only post this to be %100 honest about my experience with SRS. My complications are relatively minor in the grand scheme of things but are upsetting none the less. I think these things are fairly common and I just wonder why no one talks about it. I really don't think the medical technology is there yet. If I had it to do over I would save myself $23,000 and a shit load of pain for not much gain. Like I said, I know no one asked but in my opinion SRS isn't worth it.

As far as the rest of my transition is concerned there is good and there is bad. On bad days I go round and round with it. Did I really have to do it, was there another way? if only! Blah blah blah. It doesn't resolve anything. The fact remains I did what I felt I needed to do at the time.

[charlenesomeone]

April I wish you all the best going forward. Also thanks for sharing as it has, in me at least, caused reflection.
Hugs

[Eringirl]

I am truly saddened to learn of the pain experienced by those here who have had complications with the SRS or other procedures. Your experiences are legit and need to be told and heard. Does it make me nervous regarding SRS....sure it does....as many have said, it is a major surgery, and any major surgery (or any surgery for that matter) can have complications. But I remind myself of the positive experiences that I have heard. Two of my friends here in my town had SRS about 5 years ago with no complications and good recovery. They are really happy, married, and enjoying their lives, no regrets. So this leads to wondering if there is an effect of the "sample size" for the experiences. Not all trans women are on this board, so how representative of the total Trans community regarding SRS is this forum? Are there lots of Trans women out there who have had positive experiences and results that have never been on this forum, or were here maybe at one time, but no longer feel the need as they have moved on with their life and choose to be a bit more stealth?? Please, this is not to discount the importance of anyone's experience. I do not wish to offend.

[LeaP]

As with many medical procedures, the information you *really* need is provider-level statistics. It's meaningless to rely on a population-wide complication rate when the complication rates for YOUR surgeon is different. Any surgeon will have issues, sometimes their fault, sometimes the facility's, related providers (anesthetist, aftercare nursing, etc.), sometime's no-one's in particular. Very different, though, if a surgeon makes a mistake on one out of 1000 vs. one out of 10 .. The latter could still be superb and the next 1000 might be stellar, but I would want a really careful conversation before selecting them!

[Rogina B]

As with many medical procedures, the information you *really* need is provider-level statistics. but I would want a really careful conversation before selecting them!

And it is the surgeon's entire team as well ! A friend here in Jax is now mute from FFS surgery in Boston recently. "Intubation procedure" paralyzed her vocal chord[s]..

[PretzelGirl]

April, every time I read your story I hurt more for you. No one can imagine all you have been through.

This has certainly made me think. It is similar to being pre-transition and you have to think about all the potential loss. If you decide to continue to move forward, there is a message in that. My surgery is scheduled and I am still going to move forward. I need it. I will tape my fingers and toes crossed as I go in....

[Jessica EnFemme]

...two surgeries, and 3 inches of depth. But it looks natural and I can orgasm... I went for a much less invasive procedure, no vaginal cavity, no dilation, much less healing time. Less chance of complications.

Angela, is there a name for that procedure? I'm facing surgery now with all the dilation problems, and that sounds ideal (if not too good to be true)..

[LeaP]

I don't understand - isn't 3" of depth a 3" vaginal cavity?

[emma5410]

Angela, is there a name for that procedure? I'm facing surgery now with all the dilation problems, and that sounds ideal (if not too good to be true)..

Dilation is a chore and if it is painful, as it is unfortunately for Arbon, it can be terrible. But for most people it is just something that you have to do. It takes a lot of time to begin with but reduces as the months go by. After six months I was down to once a day and could probably have reduced it earlier. It is no big thing now just a part of my daily routine.

I am really sorry for what has happened to Arbon but I really do not think that is a typical experience. The vast majority have no major issues. I have had no complications and I can orgasm. I could say that I was lucky but I think my experience was fairly typical. I am still in touch with two people who had the op at the same time and they are the same. I met someone in the hospital who had SRS three years before and she was fine and had returned for FFS.

I considered having a limited op like Angela but decided it would be better, for me personally, to keep my options open. The chances of having a relationship may be slim for me but you never know and not being able to have full sex could be a problem.

[Angela Campbell]

I don't understand - isn't 3" of depth a 3" vaginal cavity?


Angela, is there a name for that procedure? I'm facing surgery now with all the dilation problems, and that sounds ideal (if not too good to be true)..

Lea, the small area is more of the result of the labia folds. Not a real vagina. But the appearance is perfect. No scarring at all, the incision points are hidden. Not useful for intercourse, * but serves my purposes. ( * unless the guy was pretty small)

My surgeon called it srs, but was able to offer variations. This option offered less intrusive procedure, better healing time, and lower cost.

[karenpayneoregon]

For me gender reassignment surgery was not a cure but part of my journey, many seems to see gender reassignment surgery as something that fixes things but that is not the case. One must be right with themselves prior to gender reassignment surgery. I do hope things are going better for you as time passes.

[Michelle789]

@Karen, you're absolutely right. For me, living authentically and bringing my body in alignment to my mind are my primary transition goals. Sometimes, we place too much emphasis on SRS. Afterall, society is so fixated on genitals defining our gender that it's tempting to think that getting SRS will fix everything.

The reality is that SRS is worth something, and if we're extremely dysphoric about our genitals, SRS can seriously help to relieve that. Not only that, but in many cases further facial or body feminizing, or anxiety & depression relief, may come from SRS, and the fact that your body is permanently blocking the testosterone, while before SRS you were taking spiro to suppress testosterone production, but all mighty T still fights back. We may feel complete having the right parts down there and incomplete with the wrong parts.

However, SRS is not the holy grail of transitioning, and neither is passing. SRS is risky surgery, and like any other surgery, comes with many complications. FFS and BA can cause complications too.

What I think happened to April is that she experienced serious complications with SRS that she is questioning whether or not the very crude, rudimentary transition process, is even worth it. My belief is that life would have been easier for April had she been born a cis-woman, with the right genitals and without all her male baggage, and she would not have had to go through this painful, difficult, risky process. She would not be dealing with dilation and other complications of SRS had she been born a cis-woman instead. She also says that she wishes she could have just been a regular guy, because had she been a regular guy, she would have not had to go through transition and SRS.

Either way, had April been cis-gender, either cis-male or cis-female, she wouldn't be facing the complications of SRS. And the realities for transition are extremely high, and while April passes well and has socially transitioned well, she faces severe SRS complications. Other transwomen may have had a successful, complication free SRS, but lost everything in the process, and not pass very well and face endless discrimination because they don't pass. They may face similar regret because their quality of life has suffered just to be authentic.

Even the luckiest transwomen who end up being passable, attractive, had successful SRS with no complications, and socially integrated well, still had to go through a tremendous amount of suffering to get there. All the years and decades of dysphoria and living a lie. The painful transition process just to get there. The financial cost of HRT, electrolysis, and surgeries. The trials and tribulations of socially integrating into society as a woman after decades of being socialized as a man can be quite challenging.