So. Much. Guilt.

[Zooey]

I don't know about everybody else, but for me, the worst part of transition by far has been the incredible guilt I deal with every day.

I'm happier than I've ever been, which is saying something, given that I'm dealing with way more things that are way more difficult than anything before. I'm laughing off things every day that would probably be debilitating to most folks I know. Every step I take on this journey, my bar for "craziest thing I've ever done" gets raised. I filed my name and gender change documents with the court today - felt just like the day I started HRT. Insane anxiety in the moments just before, totally thrilled the moment after, and quickly back to "That was a pain in the ass - glad it's done. Moving on."

Meanwhile, my parents are hurting. My ex is hurting. Badly. I know it's not "my fault", but it's totally my fault, y'know?

Anyway, just had to vent a bit. Anybody else have any experiences they'd like to share?

[Robin414]

I'm not TG (yet) but I've contemplated what you're feeling!

'If you can keep it together when everyone around you thinks you should be losing it...that's true strength' - Marylyn Monroe 😉

[Zooey]

I'm not TG (yet) but I've contemplated what you're feeling!

Not to derail my own thread, but you either are or you aren't. You might not be ready to admit it to yourself yet, but if you're TS, you're TS.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I do know..

my therapist calls guilt and shame the twin sisters..

ExWife...kids...parents...work... my old friends that I spent so much time with...

I feel that guilt deeply. I can rationalize it sometimes, and I can intellectually understand that its "not my fault", but sometimes I just feel the weight of it and I just cry...

two bottom lines for me...

years after transition EVERYBODY is doing GREAT... even my ex....she is my best friend...my kids are centered and good natured...they totally accept me as "dad" and "Kaitlyn"
never did I think it was possible...

number 2 is that I did what it took to survive...I did it when I was 15 and cd'd and masturbated 5x a day...I did it when I was 20 and snuck around stealing skirts and panties out of the laundry... I did it in my 30's when I snuck around hotels at 3am pretending I was staying there(dressed like a huerr at a christening sometimes..ugh)... and finally in my 40's when it all just fell apart...even with no will to live, I survived....i'm a survivor ....I did my best the whole time....

so I can say all that and still feel guilty...which sucks....so I get what you are saying...

my advice...eat the guilt, it is what it is... and focus on surviving and thriving with those around you... make it up to them by doing a great job in life..

you owe it to yourself and to them...live authentically and show them by action that this is the right thing, the good thing, the ONLY thing...

[Robin414]

Not to derail my own thread, but you either are or you aren't. You might not be ready to admit it to yourself yet, but if you're TS, you're TS.

OK, a little off topic, but YES I do believe I'm TG....OMG, I think I've come out 😢😢

[Debb]

Guilt on both sides of the equation.

On the one side, guilt for having hidden for so long; guilt for doing this "shameful act" (according to parent & brother). On the other side, after having come out, guilt for the burden I've cast upon my family, and even a friend or two.

I grew up guilt-enabled, and it looks like I won't outgrow it any time soon.

The upside is .. I'm free. I am free, and it is obvious to family & friends that I am a happier more centered person. This helps to alleviate those dark feelings of guilt when they feel like they're getting the best of me. The best of me is yet to come :-)

And I hear you about the moments before/during/after. Some of the best times of my recent life have been those "after" moments.

[dreamer_2.0]

Absolutely do I know.

One of my sisters just rejected me creating a division in the family. Thankfully my parents and other sister are wonderful supporters. Still, this wouldn't have happened if it weren't for me. I feel awful for my parents as family means so much to them.

My parents get it doubly so. They are quite conservative and are really trying to be there for me and understand this transition. Many of their closest friends are more conservative still meaning my parents will have to have awkward conversations with them one day. There's a good chance they'll lose some of these friends. Again, not my fault but it's totally my fault.

Haven't quite figured out how to get rid of this guilt.

[Nigella]

You feel the guilt because being TS and transitioning is a very selfish. Gender Dysphoria is a medical condition, one that is not fully understood, but still like most medical conditions, one that you never thought it would happen to you. We beat ourselves up, trying to do what is right by others, when in all reality until we do what is right by us, we will always do wrong by others.

Personally my feelings of guilt were dealt with when, after going through the necessary procedures to deal with my GD, I accepted that I had been a selfish bitch and that was not in my nature.

[Badtranny]

well, ....

transition is a hell of a thing.

Those of us who come to grips with our feelings and push forward to something that feels a little more real are a rare and complicated lot.

Someday the doctors will have figured us out and there will be no stigma, but until then, we will live with the pain we've cause others. My first wife did not deserve to have her best years wasted on me. All of the women who have loved me didn't deserve to have their time wasted by a confused closet queen.

Transitioning later in life takes a resolve that few can manage, and I regret every bit of pain that I caused along the way.

Would I have regretted NOT transitioning even more? I'll never know.

[GabbiSophia]

The guilt is just part of the total package of fear that keeps me where I am.

[Abby Kae]

I'm going through the same guilt. I'm hurting my wife with this, and it does feel incredibly selfish. Why should she suffer just because I need to be happy?

My current method of coping with that guilt is to keep telling myself that I will be a better partner to her when I'm finally authentic; and I'm already improving in that regard by leaps and bounds.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

imagine the guilt your wife or kids will feel if they someday have to come to terms with not allowing you to live authentically...they will always know that you are unhappy and partially because of them...

[LucyNewport]

My therapist tells me that guilt and shame are very common in what he calls "emerging" transexuals. I have them in spades. I feel like I have betrayed my lovely and supportive wife. She has described the situation as catastrophic. As she says, she gets no benefit from this. I'm guilty over the difficulty this will cause my kids. Unless we move to a new school district, the secret will be out. I'm guilty about the $$$$ that I am going to spend. There are surely better uses for it.

All that being said, it is happening. If I can pull this off, if we can stay together (big ifs) than things will be ok. I think the guilt is related to the fear of the unknown for me. Taking a big leap off a cliff is against my cautious nature.

[Frances]

Guilt almost ended me. It required lots and lots of therapy to overcome.

[Eringirl]

OMG...don't get me started. Guilt? Holy crap...I am the guilt queen! How can one not feel guilty when their 24 year old daughter is sitting beside them, sobbing totally out of control, gasping for breath, and somehow manages to say that she is angry, lost, fatherless, feels betrayed, and simply clinging on for dear life on this roller coaster that she has been thrust upon without any control, all because of me and my transition and our divorce. That was my Thursday.....




'If you can keep it together when everyone around you thinks you should be losing it...that's true strength' - Marylyn Monroe 😉

OR, "you don't have a grasp on the seriousness of the situation", or "you have found a scape goat to CYA"...:D

[Dawn cd]

Well, maybe other people are hurting BECAUSE of decisions you made, but that doesn't mean it's your "fault"--in the sense of wrongdoing or your flawed actions. These are the cards you were dealt, unasked. You have done nothing wrong. Indeed, all you have done is played the hand you were given. So be sad for your friends and family members, but shun those feelings of guilt because they can erode your soul. Share with your friends and family your newfound sense of freedom and they will come to be happy for you.

[LeaP]

I'm responsible, not guilty.

[Jennifer-GWN]

I've not felt guilty to a great degree but always put others first and considered the impact of my actions on them before acting. I guess that's why it's taken me so long to get to this place in my life - a late transition. All those around me looked after first. Now looking back 12 years yes... Guilt associated with a second marriage breakdown this time in a large part due to my gender challenges but equally my disappointment and hurt when my wife at the time made no attempt to try to understand or rationalize. Once the GD was on the table it was a binary switch for her. So guilt from that situation a bit. What we were able to do was put in place a very workable relationship for my son then 6 which has carried us through till now.

I think I circumvented the guilt aspect by putting others before me but that takes a toll on you personally and eats away slowly day by day. Perhaps that's why it get incredibly emotional as it hit significant milestones as they represent both an accomplishment as well as a underlying fulfillment of a dream.

Could I have gotten to the place I am now sooner, yes absolutely. Was I ready, hard to answer, as I think some things just have to unfold somewhat naturally. What I do know is the external struggles I would have faced vs the internal struggles I had to endure were greater and hindsight being 20/20 I've been fortunate in that things are good around me for the most part.

I'm not guilty nor am I a victim.

Cheers... Jennifer

[marie123]

Ladies...thank you so much for posting this thread. As a GG very much in love with her CD, this is a very important topic and definitely needs to be discussed with their own families, wives, etc. And it was a very heated discussion in my own home last night. I know this is a touchy subject so I will tread carefully and please know that I am completely supportive of those that decide to transition.

Last night my love, who is only CD but very supportive of the whole community, proudly showed me an article about a very masculine appearing marine that had married and had a child but then transitioned ending up divorced. He felt that this was awesome because this person had found themselves and are being true to themselves. On this part I agree.

However, in the article the person states that she knew all along that she was not attracted to her wife and that the life they were building was a lie, being a marine was to prove to herself that she was a "guy"...and so on.

After reading that I turned to my fiancé, and asked "But don't you think that was a bit selfish of her?" Now keep in mind that it wasn't the transitioning itself that I found selfish, it was the bringing someone else into that lie and making promises of love and devotion, the fact that she had pledged to become one, so to speak. By doing this she made this decision for her wife without her input. The shock and upheaval of her life was wrong.

Regardless of the fear of rejection whether it is society or family, one must take ownership for their actions. Once again the action is not about transitioning but playing with another persons emotions.

I also understand that many probably most do truly love their wives in an all encompassing manner, I was simply speaking about this particular person.

I would also like to add that if you are trusting someone enough to marry them...then you have to trust them enough to know the whole person.

Please know that this was typed with the utmost respect.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I'm responsible, not guilty.

me too...

but i still FEEL guilty.

[Zooey]

me too...

but i still FEEL guilty.

Exactly.

[Eringirl]

me too...

but i still FEEL guilty.

:yt:

I had an "emergency" counselling session right after my conversation with my daughter and I explained it is hard not to feel guilty when all of this is my fault. That is when she almost literally slapped my upside the head and said, "it is not your fault, you didn't ask for this, your were born with this!". Now, I know that, but sometimes when emotions kick into high gear, you can forget things that are so basic. I needed to hear that again....

[Rianna Humble]

I'm going through the same guilt. I'm hurting my wife with this, and it does feel incredibly selfish. Why should she suffer just because I need to be happy?

There are alternatives:

You could make your wife happy by not transitioning, until the burden gets so bad you commit suicide. But don't worry, you won't have to witness her distress

You could make all your family happy by not transitioning, until your depression gets so bad you have to be hospitalized. But by that time you'll be so far gone that you won't notice their unhappiness.

Or you can take it gently at the pace that you need to go and try to keep the dialogue going with your wife.

[LeaP]

me too...

but i still FEEL guilty.

I don't so much. I do feel some shame. And I feel *terrible* about the effect on my wife, but it's not guilt. If I had to sum up how I internalize the outside reactions, it feels like an assault - and I feel less than ... something, everything, and everyone else ... It's like I see the neutral reality as well as what everyone else sees (and judges) - and feel both simultaneously.

[Brooklyn]

I refuse to feel guilty for doing what it takes to stay alive and be happy. However, I sometimes feel guilty for how I handled my coming-out. My kids did not ask for this, but I am still a decent parent, and maybe I can set a good example of being selfish about the right things. I also have made some compromises and have helped a few other people during the last few years. Hopefully the gods will smile on me at the end of it all, who knows?

[Marcelle]

I am not prepared to take the final step to transition but I have come about as far as I can in that I now live and work as a woman with my wife's support and understanding. However I can't help feeling guilty as I am not the person she married . . . well I am in the sense I am me but I am no scruffy faced macho military guy anymore . . . just a strong person how has found her way. My wife confirms she is still good with our relationship but still I feel guilty and sometimes I want to hide my joy of feeling free to be who I need to be.

Cheers

Isha

[RobinCA]

It not your "fault" that you want to be the woman you are inside on the outside. I know it's hard for everyone else, but it's way harder for us. I know exactly what it feels like to be trapped in a "man suit". I deal with it every day. You shouldn't be made to feel guilty about wanting to be who you truly are. All those that you've told should feel honored that you shared your ultimate secret with them, and they should apprlaude you for being so courageous. You took a huge step in realizing your dreams. You go girl! Never feel guilty about who you are, and who you need to be.

[kimdl93]

Yes, I know. I feel that burden Dailey..shit, moment by moment.

[MeowKitty]

Hi Zooey, I am so sorry you feeling guilty for being true to yourself. Those you feel you have hurt by transitioning may one day understand you needed to be self actualized to be happy and with that realization love will follow. Life is full of ups and downs and by taking one step closer to who you need to be should never be diminished by regret. Life is a forward journey and take pride in the progress you make or guilt will only darken your heart. Know that you are loved and never forget that. Big hugs!

[Zooey]

It's not that I feel guilty for being true to myself, although I could certainly understand how people might see it that way.

I feel guilty for not being true to myself sooner, because it led people to form beliefs, relationships, and ways of living that at least partially relied on an identity that was never real (despite what I desperately wanted to believe at the time).

[charlenesomeone]

OMG Zooey, on October 1 I filed my name change paperwork. I had no intention to post that here, but your post is 1000 percent how I felt.
May we lead a interesting life is a vast understatement.
Hugs

[Zooey]

Congratulations! Now if the damn county court would just hurry up and assign me a court date... :)

It's been a week, and I will most likely be harassing them on Monday about it. :p

[Janelle_C]

The gilt was the hardest thing for me to deal with. But I dealt with it. I realized that it's not my falt! I could not be that it her person anymore. Two years later I was just talking to a friend about gilt, and I said my kids and my wife and my grandchildren are so much richer relationships because they get to know the real me!

[Rachel Smith]

I used to feel guilt and shame but that is all gone now because the ones I felt the most guilt and shame for are no longer in my life but that was their choice not mine. I do feel sorrow for causing them pain but again it was their choice not to speak to me anymore. Other than those 3 people everyone else can accept me or not I don't really care as I still have my Mother, Father sisters and brother and 2 really great friends in Michelle and Rick.

[Kate T]

One of the lessons I learnt from my mother and grandfather growing up was this: You make decisions, you face the consequence of those decisions, good or bad. If the outcome is bad you do your best to make it better, but that is all you can do, your best.

Lea, Kaitlyn, and Nigella, I echo your thoughts. Yes I do sometimes feel guilty, I feel guilty that my daughters won't have their father walk them down the aisle when they get married (IF they get married!), I feel guilty that my son won't have a father to attend Father / Son days at school or elsewhere, I feel guilty that my wife will never again have that standard heater privilege and acceptance etc. etc. I take ownership of the guilt, no, I didn't ASK to be TS, but I did choose to do something about it. With forgiveness and love from others you can acknowledge the guilt but also take responsibility for it and be able to say yes, I DID that, BUT I am damn well making sure that I do my level best to make it better given that I have done it.