coming out before starting hormones?

[lucaluca]

hello,

i am not sure if i should come out now, or after i took the hormones for two or three month. at the moment i would like to come out right now, because i could start with the little changes, like wearing different clothe, don't "act" like a man, start shaving legs etc, the feel of beeing honest.
but on the other hand, i think maybe i am more comfortable with coming out, after i started hormones. maybe because i am already further in my transition and therefore more comfortable and self-conscious.

how have you done it?

[Zooey]

I came out to everybody important in my life, barring a general announcement at work, well before starting hormones. I was "full-time except for work" (so happy to be ditching that Real Soon Now™) for about 4 months before even starting hormones, plus 6 months of HRT since. Just FYI, 2-3 months of HRT is not going to do much aside from make you pee all the time (thanks spiro) unless you're 14 or 15 (maybe you are).

I'd like to offer a bit of advice though... Hormones won't make coming out easier - they actually make it harder because whether you're ready to come out or not, bewbs et cetera. They also won't really make you more comfortable with yourself. They offer certain effects and potential benefits, but the only way to be comfortable with yourself is, well, to be comfortable with yourself. Being comfortable with yourself and confident in your identity is a big part of coming out.

I would strongly advise you not to plan on the "magic of HRT" making things better or easier for you. I think it's a recipe for disappointment and prolonged frustration and sadness.

[Angela Campbell]

Except for a few very close friends, I transitioned all at once. I began hormones and electro about 9 months before, and planned carefully. Had ffs, changed name and driver's license in one month, then from that day on, I was a woman. I didn't come out until I was able to leave the guy behind.

in truth by the time I did come out, it was getting hard to be seen as a man.

[Nigella]

I was living 24/7 for about 3 years before I even had any medical assistance towards transition. Having said that, I did not even consider myself TS until I NEEDED medical assistance.

[lucaluca]

please don't get me wrong! i don't expect that hormones will be like a "magic pill" and everything is fine and i feel finally comfortable with beeing trans!
i just think, that it might be easier to come out while i am on hormones for a while, because i would be further in my transition.
i am scared that when i come out now and have to wait for hormones and then wait for the changes, that it would be awkward to live my life as a man and my family knows that i am trans.

[Zooey]

i am scared that when i come out now and have to wait for hormones and then wait for the changes, that it would be awkward to live my life as a man and my family knows that i am trans.

Believe me, I totally understand. But, ignoring the fact that 2-3 months of hormones is unlikely to actually change much, consider how awkward you might feel with constantly having to hide or obscure a changing body because you're not ready to come out yet?

I'm not interested in telling anybody what to do, and I'm not sure what your family situation is. Everybody's transition is their own, but my real point is this... In my experience, transition is nothing if not awkward. It's all awkward - for you, for everybody. In a perfect world I guess it wouldn't be, but it is, and moreso the later in life it happens. If you're trying to minimize awkwardness, I would humbly suggest that all you're doing is trading awkwardness now for more awkwardness at a later date.

[Megan G]

I have to agree, being on HRT for 2-3 months is not going to make the process of coming out any easier on you or your loved ones. In that short of time you may have some small mental changes (more peace of mind) but that's about it.

It does not matter where you are in your transition when you come out to everyone, it is still a very awkward and uncomfortable process for all involved. Once you pull the pin in the Tranny Grenade(TM) there is no putting it back into a box if things start going sideways.

I was in HRT for about a year before coming out to everyone. I told a few close friends who I could trust in the beginning but for the most part no one knew until the one year mark. I wanted to get hair removal started and get my house in order before dropping the bomb on everyone. Even after all the preparation I made it was still a mess with family and a few friends for a while.

[Rianna Humble]

I came out at work and to a select group of friends in June 2010 and officially began my transition on 1st July 2010 although some work colleagues had helped me to plan the announcement so knew before the others.

In August 2010, I was outed in the local newspaper who then sold it to a scandal rage who did a typical hatchet job on my story. After that it went viral all around the globe.

I didn't get an appointment at the Gender Clinic until late May 2011 and it was to be a further 7 months before I finally got my first prescription for oestrogen.

I never had the luxury of waiting until I was on hormones - I would not have survived that long (literally)

[Eryn]

One should come out when you feel the need to do so. The time of this has little to do with whether you are on HRT or not. HRT might prompt your coming out if the physical effects become pronounced, but that is likely a year or more down the road from the initiation of therapy, unless you are quite young.

[PretzelGirl]

I agree with Eryn. Go on hormones if you need them. Come out to people as part of your larger transition plan no matter how long you have been on hormones. Tying the two together just gives you an extra thing to stress over.

[LeaP]

I hate to be the minority voice, but if you have the option of starting HRT soon, I would recommend you delay coming out. Preferably 4-6 months minimum. The reason is that the hormones may change how you feel about things. You may react negatively to them. You may decide they are sufficient. Or, perhaps nothing will change. And what will you have lost? A few months. The pressure to be be may be manageable in a different way once you start.

Everyone has different pressures, different constraints. Consider yours. When you do so, consider what might hurt you as well as what might help.

[Marcelle]

I cannot speak to how HRT affects your outing or not as I currently do not feel a need to seek HRT. However I have come out completely in both my private life, social life and professional life without HRT and while others see "all guy" when they interact it has not affected my own personal growth.

Cheers

Isha

[Rachel Mari]

The way I did it (and this is just me) I came out to the people closest to me (wife and then kids) long before I started hormones. When I started, I didn't tell anyone for 6 weeks and then told my wife after she commented on how much better I seemed to be (she thought I was making peace with our marriage ending). The reason I did it that way was I needed to see how I would react without any outside influence or expectations from others.

After I started and hormones had time, I was better able to understand how I felt, was when I started coming out to others from the inner circles working outwards.

[Chloe1955]

Just my own two cents on this one, Maybe a brief background first though.
I have been cross dressing on and off since I was in my early 20's ( at first mainly lingerie for a sexual turn on)
I just turned 60!! and I'm only just getting the longing to fully dress and present as Chloe. I have not even gone the whole 9 yards yet with hair and make up, but I have an overpowering desire to look more fem and present some bumps in the right places. I have just come to accept how feminine I feel on the inside and stopped fighting it to conform to what society and my parents drilled into me (sorry about the long rant but it's relevant I guess?)
Anyways, I would love to do the HRT because I want my fem clothes to look better on and as yet I don't want to totally transition or come out.
Hope that helps someone (even if it only me lol)

[Frances]

I came out to certain people close to me well before HRT. I came to HR a year before starting hormones. I told them that transition was likely and that I would let them know how things were progressing. I started hair removal years before HRT and as soon as my dark hair was gone, I could pass well enough to go out in public. I would run into people and not telling was no longer an option.

[dreamer_2.0]

I kept things extremely private before starting hormones. I think only one person knew I was considering them. I was petrified to move forward despite wanting it and believing it to be the right choice. My plan was to "try" hormones for a a couple months, use them as a diagnostic tool to see how I felt before committing. I felt it risky to come out to people without knowing if I was actually going to transition or not. I knew I wanted to, but that didn't mean I would. If I came out, then decided to not transition, I didn't want others to know my deepest secret leaving me extremely vulnerable.

My experiences in the early months were subtle but sufficient to know I felt better and calmer. It was probably not until 3 or 4 months into HRT that I started to really come out to people. Just a few at first but then the trickle became a torrent.

Today marks 15 months on hormones for me, I'm still not out to the world (still quite scared), but I've now lost count of who how many people I've come out to which is exciting. What scared me before now excites me, go figure.

The only real advice I feel comfortable offering is that you need to do what makes YOU comfortable.

[Gerrijerry]

If you are going to transition you must have a counselor. I suggest you should bring up the question with him or her. It is different for each person when to come out to everyone. There are many steps in transitioning. You need more then talking on line to get the answers that will work for you.

[lucaluca]

my counselor thinks that i should come out now. there was a moment when my girlfriend asked me if i wanted to be a girl. it wasn't a serious question, more a funny one. she asked me because i was so excited of her new cloth she bought and she always said that i am a very feminine man. when i told my counselor he said "that was a good moment! why haven't you told her?"
well i was too scared :D

i guess i see it like dremer_grl, but like i said before i don't want to wait another year or so to stop acting like a man. transition is not all about hormones! it is about the way you behave, the way other people treat you, the way you feel about yourself and of course about changing your appearance, little steps, like shaving, wearing different cloth. all things i want now

[Badtranny]

Okay, wow.

A lot of silly words in this thread. First of all let me say this, NEVER take advice about coming out from someone who hasn't come out. When they open their mouths to talk in their dude clothes, you put up your hand and walk away. They literally know nothing about what they're saying. It's like a fat guy giving you nutrition advice, doctor heal thyself, indeed.

Next, what do you mean by "coming out", if you're seriously asking about when you should come out to the world when you haven't even come out to your inner circle, then you are putting the cart before the horse.

If and it's a big IF you are seriously considering coming out on the path to transition (TS forum here) then you need to catch your breath and do some thinking about where each step puts you. Some girls here have went full time, without any hormones or procedures. Some are carefully (as can be) managing many stages over several years. Personally I had a 2 year plan in January 2010 and by the summer of 2012 my name was changed and I was recovering from FFS and a BA. I was 100% out and openly transitioning for most of 2011 but I wasn't presenting as a woman hardly at all. I think it was June when I went full time at work and have never looked back.

That's a rough idea about how ONE person approached transition and if you're smart you will talk to many others about how THEY did it so you can gain some perspective on this thing. Just be careful about seemingly well meaning advice that has no experience behind it. There are many (way too many) people here who are not legit.

[LeaP]

Completely fair, Misty. Your response made me realize that some of these responses are talking about two different things. When I respond to someone about "coming out," I assume they are talking about telling people who they are. Some of the responses – and perhaps the OP – are talking about outright social transition or openly dressing part time around people they know. Personally, I would recommend that most people stay away from the latter … unless you wish to be regarded as eccentric. If you're going full time (transitioning), then it depends on your assumptions, I guess. My unstated assumptions include thinking that if hormones turned out to be unsuitable, transition would likely not continue. That's not true for everyone, however. What's behind my comment about not coming out (telling) before being on hormones is that there are many, many stories of people changing course after starting them. Luca, you keep emphasizing presentation. One of the most common reactions after starting hormones is that the pressure to dress itself often lessens or disappears.

[Zooey]

Incidentally, when I first started my transition, I had what I considered a really great 1.5 or 2 year plan. :)

I'm about to finish (future possible surgeries aside) that plan at the 7 month mark, insofar as I will be legally me and living full-time as a woman. :p

It's a bit shocking to me, but oh well. You can't know what HRT or anything else is going to do for you until you're in it. Shit happens, plans change. For me, it was a rather rapid realization that the only barriers I had to moving forward were in my own head, and getting generally sick of guys at work staring at my chest like they're trying to crack a safe. At least once I'm full-time they'll have a tiny shred of awareness about how effing rude they're being while they do it, lol.

[Debb]

I came out to my family, and most of my friends, before I started HRT. This was not such a good strategy for me; my conservatively religious family tried so hard to convince me that I shouldn't go on hormones.

Other than that, I'm not sure it matters very much either way. Coming out is coming out.

[dreamer_2.0]

...consider how awkward you might feel with constantly having to hide or obscure a changing body because you're not ready to come out yet?

Ah yes; the joys of hiding a pair of boobs in the office...

I need to correct something I said earlier. I mentioned only being out to 1 person prior to starting HRT, this was inaccurate. I was out to a small handful: one of my sisters (still my biggest supporter, hopefully my other sis will follow suit), my boss at work (had to know what would happen to my job), and my ex as she's the one who suggested I bring up this whole "girl thing" with my therapist at the time. She may have actually saved my life....hadn't really considered that until now. Anyway, there may have been one or two other people but certainly no more than a small handful.


I would strongly advise you not to plan on the "magic of HRT" making things better or easier for you. I think it's a recipe for disappointment and prolonged frustration and sadness.

Oh my goodness, more truth! I've mentioned on other threads how slow things are going for me personally. Today marks 15 months since starting HRT and I feel like changes are barely noticeable (A cup chest is a clear exception though). Definitely do not rely on HRT, doing so is probably one of my biggest mistakes. Things have certainly not gotten easier because of HRT. Maybe a teeny bit but only the smaller, tiniest, fractionist amount. Having a chest makes it a little bit easier to think this is all real, alas the reflection in the mirror does not...yet.

[JohnH]

I cannot speak to how HRT affects your outing or not as I currently do not feel a need to seek HRT. However I have come out completely in both my private life, social life and professional life without HRT and while others see "all guy" when they interact it has not affected my own personal growth.

Cheers

Isha

I guess I lie at the opposite side of the spectrum. I have been on M2F HRT for 4 years and I feel infinitely better about myself. I have developed D cup breasts and have grown my hair down to my shoulder blades. For church and business I wear lipstick and eye makeup, along with androgynous clothes. I make no attempt whatsoever to hide my breast projection.

And yet I still speak with a deep masculine voice and do not see the need to change my real masculine name of John nor do I feel the urge to change my gender designation to female. And yes, with my appearance it gets quite interesting at times whenever I go to the men´s restroom.

For me the HRT is quite sufficient in itself and I do not feel the need to transition socially at the present time to being a woman, but that may be subject to change.

I am not someone who lurks in the shadows. I am the director of a church choir and am a member of the church´s ruling board (similar to an elder board in some churches).

John

[Suzanne F]

I was out and living as a woman everywhere except when in front of customers or at the office. I did this for over a year before I started hormones. I had promised my wife I would not make any more physical changes for a year. I have now been on hormones 6 months. For me I wanted to know that I could socially adjust to living as a woman. Today I was in the Las Vegas airport waiting in a brutal line for a taxi. Yes I can function in public as myself. The hormones had nothing to do with gaining that confidence for me. The hormones are for my emotional well being plus the physical changes. If the physical changes gradually make it easier to be me in public that is great but not necessary.
Suzanne

[STACY B]

Well here comes Ol STACY'S 2 cents on the whole so called coming out deal,, First off there is a different perspective out there for every person that is so called Trans and wants to Transition for one reason or another. I for one think that you may want to hold off on all the fancy smancy little outfits and makeup and presentations of what a woman is and maybe take care of your internal self first.

How or should I say why would you want to come out to the whole world about being something you do not really know the outcome of as of yet? Hormones and making your clothes FIT BETTER? Hormones may make or have some body changes for some and have some mind changes for some and for some some Total rejection?
Then you try and do damage control if it does not work, You have lots and lots of things to do before you worry about coming out to everyone except maybe your SO!
These folks here are the ones that did it there way and it worked, What about all the people who did it the wrong way and are no longer on these boards because it didn't work for them? You better do some soul searching and figure out what will work for you and try that first. You may get on it and not even want to wear all that stuff and may very well go the other way? There is NO certain way to do it,, If there were someone would have written a play by play book on it like how to do this or that. Like some Cook Book or something.

[I Am Paula]

I was out, and mostly full time before hormones. I had to, because being male was getting veeeery uncomfortable, and some sort of stupid denial was still telling me I didn't have to transition fully.

[Jennifer-GWN]

I took a very measured and calculated approach to coming out. 3 distinct zones 1) personal local, 2) work, 3) childhood home. personal and local provided the much needed social confidence building critical to transitioning at work. Invest as much time here as possible. For me I had the luxury in that local life and work had no overlapping relationships. 2 completely separated worlds. When I finally pulled the official announcement at work it came after much prep and planning simply due to the impacts personally and professionally. I could not go into the workspace 1/2 ready or still experimenting or working to find myself. Take as much time as you need to prepare. Resist the voices in your head that say ready in a cloud of fog. Remember how you see yourself is only 1/2 the picture I tried hard to objectively put myself in others shoes and look at myself in the 3rd person and evaluate readiness that way.

As for hormones... That's a choice as others have said starting before or after going full time is a personal decision on comfort in yourself they do not bring immediate physical results and in the end the results are a lottery. Emotionally they did wonders for me quite quickly which helped my timeline and personal readiness.

Transitioning is a journey not a sprint.

Cheers... Jennifer

[lucaluca]

thanks for you answers!

if i come out, i would only come out to my family (at first).

[Claire Cook]

Hi Luca,

As you can tell form the responses, this is a personal question with personal answers. I have come out to numerous friends and others, some of whom know me only as Claire, others both ways. Like Isha, I do not plan on HRT, and will not be full-time. I am just more comfortable with people knowing me as me. I've not come out to my family, preferring to have them know the guy they (think) they have known. I guess it's what we are each comfortable with, or have to do.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It's not easy..no perfect answers...do not listen to people that havent done it is excellent advice...
from experience i can tell you that many of the thoughts going through your are based on things that are not constructive and keeping it simple and focused is best..

how much dysphoria are you going through? are you functioning well in your family? in society? at work?? if yes, that gives you time to plan well...if not, it really doesnt matter what we or you say, it will just explode out of you and in that case just do it but be ready for anything...


my advice is this..

this is going to be the hardest and easiest thing you've ever done.
It will go better if you plan it out and think it through...it will go better if you identify the most supportive people in your life and quietly share your "Secret" first... just doing this once will feel a billion pounds off your chest..

ignore all the stuff about what you will look like especially boobs...that will matter someday but people hide them for YEARS if they must....it just doesnt matter in the long run if people think you look strange or changed...what will matter is them supporting you..

one thing i found out about transition is the better you do, the more you are supported...sometimes it doesnt matter what you do though and you must be prepared....

what is your job? what is your career? think that through too... timing is everything at work if you want to transition, you must SURE that you do what you say will do and be prepared to swallow alot of uncertainty and fear... if you don't people will think you are unpredictable and that's not good at work..

who are the people in your life that are most likely to support you?

[Megan G]

Kaitlyn raises a good point about finding a select few to quietly share your secret with. I did this early in my transition, way before family or anyone else knew (with the exception of my wife). Building a circle of close friends to support you will help you thru the difficult days/times.

These people were instrumental in the beginning of my journey as they were there for me during the good times and the bad. I'm not sure how old you are or if your married but having these friends to talk to allowed me to take some of the pressure off my wife and allowed her to address her own concerns at her own pace without me overwhelming her with my issues.

These people were also huge for when I finally came out publicly to everyone else. They set the tone of acceptance immediately and I am sure this had an effect on a few that were sitting on the fence.

As others have said, this journey is a marathon and not a race. Take your time and plan it out.