Ups and Downs, Pinks and Blues, Wants and Needs

[jenni_xx]

Ok, I'm not the most frequent of poster on this site, and I actually tend to come here when I'm not having a period of activity in regards to my dressing, which I suppose in and of itself is a little strange.

I go through intense periods of ups and downs in regards to my dressing, and one thing I've noticed is that, when the ups start, well, up, again, it takes me a while to build up my confidence. Then, when my confidence reaches its peak, my desire to dress starts to wane.

I've lost count of the amount of times I've thrown things away. Even though I've been "dressing" since my pre-teen years (I'm now 44), if I were to add all the minutes spent dressed together, I doubt it would add up to the grand total of a month. The vast majority of my time is spent as, and presenting as, male. The vast majority of my time that is where I'm comfortable, happiest, secure, fulfilled.

Yet this "thing" still niggles at me, sometimes deep down inside, other times screaming from the rooftops, most times just a passing thought. Yes, pink fog moments (that can last a matter of minutes or be present for x-amount of weeks) have occurred numerous times. Numerous times they've been suppressed in terms of succumbing to them (i.e not acting upon them), numerous times I've wrapped myself in my innate needs and desires and gone along with those feelings in their entirety.

But I'm still a man at heart. I always have been. And the vast majority of my life has been spent presenting myself as male, and happy, comfortable, and wanting to do so.

It's for this reason that I would like to say now, to all who are reading, that I do not appreciate, nor want to be, referred to in any way with a female pronoun. My username (Jenni) can stay, but I would respectfully request that if you are to refer to me, then please do so by addressing me with a male pronoun. Thank you.

Anyway, for a while now I've not dressed at all. Then the other day something just switched within me. It happened at a time when my female wardrobe consisted of nothing more than a pair of shoes and rather nice cream scarf. And that's it. Everything else had been "purged". Why those two items were kept over and above anything else I can't explain. And now my bank manager is about to be made very happy indeed because I'm about to go out and spend again - to replace all the items I've so willingly and short-sightedly thrown away. This spend includes an appointment for a bra fitting at a well known UK store in a weeks time, and an online purchase of forms (due to arrive in a few days) that will accompany said bra fitting. Today, in male mode (because I currently have no clothes, or make-up, etc to present otherwise), I spent time in an independent shop trying, but not yet buying, several different outfits, including shoes, coats, dresses, tops, skirts. The day after tomorrow, when work payment is made into my account, being the time when said items will be bought.

All of this will, of course, result in my boyfriend becoming unhappy with me. Not because it means his boyfriend (me) is again choosing to express himself in a feminine way, but because of the strain it will result in on our finances.

All of which could have been avoided only if I refused to succumb to the desire many months ago to throw it all away.

Which leads me to my ultimate point - throw away we will. Only to buy again. A cycle that is ridiculous and denies who I am, who we are, in a vain hope to align ourselves with what society as a whole finds palatable. And a vain hope that that will actually last. It never does. I know this. I'm not young - I'm 44. Yet I still make the same mistakes again and again.

I can only conclude that this boils down to being unable to accept myself. Something that will most likely happen for the rest of my life. The clothes I buy today, I'll end up throwing out tomorrow. Only to repeat, again and again, this ridiculous cycle.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi There

This is part of you and it never seems to go away for good as many here will tell you.

Purging as you have discovered is very expensive so when you feel the urge STOP.

Pack all your stuff away and keep it somewhere safe. it may cost you a little time but it wont cost you money.

[carhill2mn]

Hi,

In your post, you sound much like many others. You are a man, you want to be a man (most of the time) and you really do not want to admit that you have these desires to wear things that are considered to be "women's things". Yet this "urge" to wear women's things gets very strong at times so, you satisfy this urge. Once this urge is satisfied, you do not want to do anything more to do with this activity so, you purge.

Unfortunately, this urge to crossdress will not go away. In fact, over time, it is likely to get stronger. Shelly's advice is good. Do not purge. Rather, find a place where you can safely store these items until you need them again. One thing that can help you is for you to admit to yourself that you will continue to have these urges and then find a good way to satisfy these urges without guilt. This is not an easy thing for most to do but it will make your life a little less stressful.

Good luck!

[jenni_xx]

The first two replies, while well intentioned, have completely missed the point of my post. I'm not looking for advice. I'm simply putting forward my own experiences.

Carhill - you mean well, and what you write is sound. It's not however saying anything I don't already know. While the wishes of "good luck" are nice, they are not needed.

[NicoleScott]

Only those who read your post - and remember it - will use masculine pronouns when they see your feminine name. It pretty much goes against the grain here. Many of us who identify as guys all the time, including when dressed, have feminine names, avatars, and prefer feminine pronouns. It's not that people are being intentionally non-compliant with your request, but just doing what's normal here (ha! "Normal here" - Oxymoron)

[pamela7]

Hi Jenni man,

we are society, we make the rules by leading fashion, by making small shifts that people can accept, the road is paved. I don't see my clothes as "women's clothes" any more - they're "my clothes", and i'm a man, and that is that.

Good luck in your quest.

[Tracii G]

I slowly incorporated womens clothes in my daily dress and style and most older friends have just accepted it.
Friends I have made in the last 4 years have only seen me in what is considered womens styles so its normal and they have never said anything about the way I dress.
I'm sure most just figure he's a musician/rocker type so they figure I'm just quirky and don't care what people think.
I wear bangle or charm bracelets of all kinds pretty often as part of my 50/50 style.
Just go slow and experiment.
It sure beats buying and purging all the time.

[Katey888]

Hey bud... :)

It's a really interesting stream of thought you've produced there - and I'm sure some will see parallels with their own experiences, and while I respect that you're making a statement and not seeking advice, I feel it's fair to make observations, for the benefit of myself and others, if not you... :)

Just because you make mistakes and feel you will again, don't also make the mistake of thinking everyone is like you ("Throw away we will...") - some of us get over the purging once we accept that for some of us this condition is not going away, so needs a long-term strategy to manage... While I am a relatively normal male for 98% of my waking life and present accordingly like you, I do accept that this is something that needs a special mindset for if (as in my case) I am to remain closeted and secretive and that it does not obsess me at times to the detriment of either my wallet or other parts of my life.

It is possible to do and I think your final point is the salient one for others (and you, should you so choose) to take away from your statement - and that is about self-acceptance. If you find yourself in an unconstructive cycle of denial-purge-desire-immersion-denial, then it is time to work on accepting this part of oneself and finding a way to manage it. It's liable to be a different strategy for all of us are individuals, but it seems a better policy than repeating past mistakes and hoping against all evidence that the future will turn out any differently... :)

Thanks for your honest and thought-provoking post, bro... :D

Katey x

[Krisi]

Towards the end of your post you say that you still make the same mistakes again and again. That is the key. Learn from your mistakes so you don't make them again and again.

As for your shopping, don't buy clothes until you receive your breast forms and bra. Forms make a big difference in blouse sizes. And if you're going to buy padded panties for hip and butt enhancement, don't buy dresses or skirts until you have these.

You don't have to rush out and spend your entire paycheck at one time. You only need one wig, one set of forms, one bra and one padded panty. And one pair of shoes. Also, many of us shop at thrift or second hand stores for our feminine clothing. This saves a lot of money.

As for your boyfriend, that sounds like the issues many of us have with our wives, but if you shop smart, the financial impact can be very small.