I want out . . . .

[Anne2345]

I think about suicide every day.

Every single day of the week. And I have for quite some time now.

I just can’t shake the thought that I would rather be dead.

I care about very little these days.

I can’t be bothered to care. I don’t have the energy to care. I don’t even want to care.

I know I am depressed. I thought I had gotten past it all, but I guess I haven’t.

Not that it matters, because this world is so messed up that very little matters, regardless.

Ironically, I am quite comfortable with myself. And there are times that I feel awesome about myself. Since transition and my surgeries, my GD has been non-existent. I have worked my ass off on my body and mind. I feel good about a lot of things I have done for myself.

Except that these things do not seem to be enough.

I am as apathetic as can be.

I couldn’t give a shit about others in general. I am totally jaded against people as a whole. Everyone can go away for all I care. Most people are completely worthless assholes anyways.

Even though I have fixed much about myself, I am still very much broken, and I have no clue how to fix it. Either that, or I just don’t care enough anymore to fix it.

But the thoughts are still there. I am thinking them right now as I type this post - I want to die.

[stefan37]

You have a daughter that wants you to live.

[steftoday]

Don't you dare. Damn you. Don't you dare.
Go and get help. Call a suicide hotline. Don't you dare leave here. You have come so far, and you are now, by your own admission, comfortable where you find yourself.
Yes, some people are shits, and yes, there is plenty of really crappy stuff going on in this world. But that is not a reason to end your own life.
Find a therapist. If you need a gender therapist to talk through things, I have a name.
Don't go Anne. We would all miss you terribly. Even those of us that haven't figured this shit out...

Can someone that reads this and knows her, contact her and see if she's ok?

[Rianna Humble]

Anne, I'm really sorry to see you in this state. The others are right - you need to get help. There are so many reasons for you to live, not least your daughter.

PLEASE FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP YOU TO SEE A WAY OUT OF THIS

[STACY B]

Your preaching to the Quire ,, I thought a MANY a time the same thing, But I got through it, Only because Killing YOURSELF ,, DOES NOT cure it,, It just passes it off to the ones that Love you ! You may not feel pain but the ones you left behind will, Do you want all of the ones who Love you to feel the way you do?

I thought NOT,, So what now,, Accept yourself and Screw EVERYONE ELSE, Your a Human,, That's it,, Just LIVE an show all the world that you can and will be seen and heard and let everyone know your still the same Smart person that done what most people can't do,, Finish School and become successful ,, No not the other thing,, Your you and always will be you and you will survive and all will be great after today,, Just a bad day,, Start over tomorrow and be the great Woman you have always been.

[Frances]

Go see a doctor right now. I'm serious.

[Abby Kae]

I don't know you, and you don't know me.

I care about you. I want you to get through this. Please stay. You are loved. You are valuable. Please, stay.

[Anne2345]

My ex told me that my daughter feels increasingly disconnected from me and as if we have little in common anymore. I talk to her everyday. We facetime everyday. I visit her often. But I'm losing her, too. And she already feels as if she has lost me.

I am really, really tired. I'm exhausted. I hardly sleep. Insomnia is thoroughly kicking my butt. I need sleep. But I can't sleep . . . .

[dreamer_2.0]

Agreed 100% with Stefan; your daughter means the world to you. From the little I know of her, she loves you a lot. You can see it in the pictures you post on facebook.

Your daughter isn't the only one who cares for you; hell you've been there for me in some really tough times. You've helped lift me up, dust me off and cheer me on; while occasionally kicking my butt in the process. I admire you so much, Anne. Your strength and commitment to your transition amidst the crap in this world is inspiring.

I know this is all hard; you've reminded me of that many times. Our situations, beyond transition, are very different but I understand to some extent as I also fight the dark thoughts promising peace. We cannot submit to them. Your daughter needs you. Don't leave her...

Besides, life would be so dull without your epic Tolkien length posts.

*edit*

Okay so your daughter is feeling disconnected from you, now, but that doesn't mean it'll be that way in the future.

[steftoday]

Please call someone and get help. Please, Anne.

[LeaP]

Serious insomnia - old problem, Anne. Fix that first, or you're not going to be able to fix anything else anyway.


I think about suicide every day.
Every single day of the week. And I have for quite some time now.
I just can’t shake the thought that I would rather be dead.


The end of that line is down there [pointing vaguely that-a-way]. ... OK, I'm personally down to every OTHER day. But still ... (I'm not kidding, either.)

Unlike some others, Anne, I'm not necessarily going to tell you to call a suicide hotline or something. What I *AM* going to say is that based on knowing you, this is escapism more than anything else. Things have gone South in a serious way (including you, physically). No-one is going to fix or pick things up for you except you. You know that, of course, but what are you actually doing? Pick a problem. Job. Daughter. Whatever. Work ONE one of them, even if you don't like the solution.

I care about very little these days.
I can’t be bothered to care. I don’t have the energy to care. I don’t even want to care.
I know I am depressed. I thought I had gotten past it all, but I guess I haven’t.
Not that it matters, because this world is so messed up that very little matters, regardless.


Is the world messed up? Um ... yes. Is THAT why you're depressed? Ah ... NO. (See paragraph in red above.) Did you get back on ADs as you said you would? Have you seen a shrink as you said you would?

Ironically, I am quite comfortable with myself. And there are times that I feel awesome about myself. Since transition and my surgeries, my GD has been non-existent. I have worked my ass off on my body and mind. I feel good about a lot of things I have done for myself.
Except that these things do not seem to be enough.
I am as apathetic as can be.


You should feel awesome about some things. Good job! Woo-Hoo! (etc., etc. ... OK, enough of that ...) You paid up front. Expensive! Alternatively, costly. Fortunately, THAT'S DONE. So now you're in your mid-40's and it's just like you graduated from college and are starting all over again. (Except that you're in your mid-40's, have a kid, and are a tranny, but we'll ignore that last.) You have a law degree and experience. Pick your priorities. Job? Daughter? Both? The choice pretty much tells you what to do next, Anne. And you'll start feeling a lot better when you start taking a few steps.

I couldn’t give a shit about others in general. I am totally jaded against people as a whole. Everyone can go away for all I care. Most people are completely worthless assholes anyways.
Even though I have fixed much about myself, I am still very much broken, and I have no clue how to fix it. Either that, or I just don’t care enough anymore to fix it.
But the thoughts are still there. I am thinking them right now as I type this post - I want to die.


People are just people, Anne. Every one of us is no different than you, your parents, your sisters or daughter. We're not worthless shits, we're absorbed in our own lives and those closest to us - and not you. The world is a cold place sometimes, but it's coldest of all when we expect it to be about and for us. I understand the kind of pain you're experiencing, but how you respond to it is a choice. If you let yourself really experience it, you might find more love for and understanding of others than you think possible. The capability of reaching that is proportional to the pain of resisting it, I think.



I know for a fact that you've experienced the heights of relationship connectedness, of love, emotional exchange, familial closeness, and more. You were wrapped up in a real and bonded marriage rooted in both love and friendship. You have been as close to your daughter as a father could be. You had a connection with your sister (and vice-versa) that is pretty rare. You've lost most of them (daughter TBD) and it hurts - a lot. I've lost a marriage and all the things connected with it. It hurt like hell. I've lost and compromised relationships with children. It hurts still and maybe always will. Move on. Every last soul on earth loses things of great personal value and meaning. When it happens, we feel like the world abandoned us or that nothing was ever real.

Well sod that, Anne. I know what you felt for your sister. I DARE you to tell me it wasn't real. And if it was, what does that tell you about anyone else in the world? Or about you? Did she want you to live? Did she think you were worthwhile? Come on, TELL me.

Here's what I hope, Anne. I hope you break completely down and completely open. That whatever it is that you're bottling up is released and gives you peace. That you let go of the past and past connections that are causing you pain. That you find another path and thrive. So sod you, Anne, for giving up. You're better than that.

[Debb]

Anne:

I've been here a long time. I watched you grow up, then transition, right here on these forums. You are indeed a senior member, although you are years my junior.

I also have very serious insomnia. I had hoped that somehow, relieving the GD would help my insomnia; alas, that hasn't begun to change as of yet.

Please don't give up seeking help for your insomnia. I know that life is worth living, despite having to live thru the fog of little or no sleep. You know it, too.

We love you and want you to stay, literally and figuratively.

[Anne2345]

I will get help.

[jules]

Everyone is right and you have come so far and accomplished so much.
You only get one life so hang on to it as long as you can. If you ever want to talk just pm me and I will answer any questions you have with honesty.
I have been down your road and I almost never made it.
But I am so glad I did.
Remember you are never alone someone will be hear to lissen if you need them. Myself included.

Jules

[JustWendy]

I was having trouble falling asleep tonight and, remembering that I hadn't been on the forum all weekend, decided to check in. Your post, Anne, was the first one I read. I'm glad that by the time I joined the conversation, you had already posted the note above. One of the first things I thought about is the semicolon movement - the semicolon is symbolic of when a sentence could have ended, but didn't. Thank you for giving us the gift that you will seek out the help/support you need. The semicolon is a sign of hope. Your sentence is not over yet. Please always remember that.

[Helen Waite]

I've had those feelings. Quite frequently, lately. But I'll be damned if I let everyone around me do me in. It can't ever get better if you're dead. Keep fighting. Find one reason to keep going. Build on that. One day at a time. We want to help.

[Janelle_C]

Anne please before you do anything that you can't take back call for help!
I almost lost two key family members and year after my transition. I thought if I could lose two people after a year who else could I lose? I went to that really dark place a was so depressed I started to think about suicide again. I got help now almost a year later in got one of those people back. I'm so glad I didn't, but when I was in that dark place the thought felt peaceful. A lot of suicide survivors say the minute they step of that bridge they knew it was a mistake!
Please call someone!

[Barbara Ella]

Anne, please just breathe and get some help for the insomnia. Lack of sleep puts many things out of perspective.

About your daughter. Your transition has precious little with a young girl becoming disconnected. We raised two of them, and they both were disconnected at one time or another. One time from their mother, one time from me, and back and forth. I would put little faith in anything your ex tells you.

I know your love for life, I saw that in your expressions for your dear sister.

I have had these thoughts, maybe not as severe, but I have lined up the wife's AD and migraine pills, my insulin, etc. and put together the dosages of all needed to do the job. I stop because it does not improve the life of anyone else by doing it. And no matter what, there are people who care for you, and would help, and would care very deeply about your actions.

You may not care for it, but you, and many of the women here, have become a part of my life, and I have gathered much solace from their, and your life words. I trust you will keep them coming.

Hugs,
Barbara

[Eringirl]

Anne....don't you dare! Don't let them win. You are better than that. Glad to see you want to get help. Get it.....NOW.

And others are correct. Insomnia can really screw with your brain and emotions. You have to get some sleep before you can do anything else. Get some help with that first. If your daughter is witnessing your current state of mind, of course she is feeling disconnected.

I know it can all be overwhelming.....been there, done that. But don't try to "boil the ocean". Take on little tasks that make you feel better. Celebrate those small victories. Post back with 2 or 3 things that made you smile today. Focus on those....and get some serious help. You have come to far to throw in the towel.......

Erin

[Badtranny]

But don't try to "boil the ocean".

...and for heaven's sake, don't pee in the pool!

[Dawn cd]

Anne, dear, while I'm not Trans, like others here I care about you and pray you can find your way through this time. Getting help is good. Do you think some of it has to do with work? We Americans often build our esteem in the workplace--and for you, work has been a problem (as you've shared with us). You need to do something besides run on the beach. Even volunteering at a worthwhile charity will give you the sense that you still have things to contribute. You're a smart woman with talent. Exercise it.

[PamTG]

In all honesty I do think about suicide a lot lately when realizing that most likely I will never be at the place that I want to be as a woman but instead I just think about other things and put that on the back burner and I concentrate on what I want in the near future and not think about the far future too much.

I have no clue if I ever will transition but I do know that I really want to.

I have been catching myself looking at naked vagina shots of women that never ever interested me in before since I am not attracted to females sexually but I find myself looking at Vaginas daily and wishing that I had one but then I find that I get depressed wishing for something that most likely I will never have because I cannot afford it and its just not in my reality.

So I go and find these forums and just get out what I have to say and think. I guess you could said that I have vagina envy, wow is that even a thing? lol

Well anyway I hope that you work through your issues and that you do not take your life, because even though I don't know you I will be upset that a girl that is further along has had such a hard time that she took her own life, that would be very sad. Please do not do it and seek help

[ReineD]

My ex told me that my daughter feels increasingly disconnected from me and as if we have little in common anymore. I talk to her everyday. We facetime everyday. I visit her often. But I'm losing her, too. And she already feels as if she has lost me.

Your daughter LOVES YOU. She will never stop loving you. She would be devastated if you were no longer there.

She no doubt is going through an adjustment period over the changed family dynamics and is too young to be able to properly express this as grief, but please Anne, give it time. We all grieve things that change even if the changes are ultimately positive. Do not take her parent away from her. Please. And we all find ways to cope with grief and get over it. There are lots of people/places/things in my life that I have grieved only to find, when looking back, that the way it is now is so much better than before. Your daughter will too as she ages and can better understand what you went through. Please do not rob her of you.

Also ... it is your wife's interpretation that your daughter feels disconnected. Your wife is not your daughter. If you were to ask your daughter if she never wanted to see you again, you would be surprised at her answer.

[Rachel Smith]

It's mostly all been said by now but let me add one thought. This is what I found out when I tried leaving this planet. You WILL only hurt the ones that love you. I know from reading you here that your daughter means a lot to you but if you think she is hurting now you will increase her pain 10 fold if you leave her by your own doing. Hang in there it will get better.

Hugs and chin up sweetie
Rachel

[Anne2345]

I will take responses to heart, and fwiw, have sought professional help.

[Angela Campbell]

Hey. ... not all of us out here are assholes......I am, but not everyone.

[Rianna Humble]

I resemble that remark

[arbon]

I really hope it gets better, and that you will be okay Anne. I know it can all be really hard but hang in there.

[Contessa]

Anne

hold on to what and who you have now. In fact hold on to see what can be done situation you may only need to wait until tomorrow. There is always good in the days to come.

Connie

[donnalee]

Anne, I am so glad you're getting help.
Suicide, apart from being a permanent solution to a temporary problem, has always struck me as illogical.
Things are so bad you want to end it all, as bad as they can be. As the only certainty in life is change and if it can't get any worse, it can only change for the better; you want to be here for that, don't you?
Please get some sleep; it's hard to think clearly without it.

[Nicole Erin]

As many of us would give about anything to go back to being a kid again, the dead probably wish they could experience life again. Our time will come soon enough. No need to rush it.

Nothing to live for? Hey, I remember when you used to be upset about not being able to live as a woman. You didn't know if you even would get the opportunity. Well, here you are today, living it full time.

A divorced parent often like to try to turn the kids against the other one.
The children will make up their own minds. I mean for real, a parent has to be pretty rotten for the kid to not want to associate. I mean in person, not based on the other parent's bitter feelings and words.
Unless you constantly nag or do something else to alienate your daughter, she is still going to want you in her life.
Kids don't just turn against their dads for being TG. Several wives do but not the kids.
Just make the best of the visitation times you have with your daughter.

For wanting to end your life, what would be the point? You got to transition in real life and live it each day. You have your freedom back since divorcing. Maybe it is time to start thinking of a NEW goal for how you want your life to be. Then work to achieve that. Even if it is something outlandish, just get as close as possible. It doesn't even have to be "Work".

For hating people, I think many of us know that feeling. I sometimes hear our peers complain that they have no or few friends. That just means we get more selective of our company and are no longer trying to impress people who do not like us.

Right now you are just stagnated with life. This would be a good time to take an honest look and re-assess your life, where you are, where you want to be, etc. And like I said, it doesn't have to be career goals. This is YOUR time. Well, your daughter's as well.

[Ceera]

I don't know you, but I am very glad you've agreed to get some help, and not to do anything drastic.

Please, listen to what your doctor and/or therapist has to say. Hopefully part of what you have sought as help is seeing a medical doctor. I don't talk about it much, but I suffered once from a severe case of biochemical depression. It got so bad that I could hardly walk faster then a zombie-like shuffle! It literally felt like I was wading through wet concrete up to my knees when I tried to go anywhere. My doctor helped me in the short term (can't say specifics on these forums, I know), but honestly, the biggest thing that pulled me out of it wasn't the prescription stuff, it was a lot more vitamins and better diet. There is a book called "The way up from down" that you may find helpful. Check it out.

Another thing I don't talk about very much is that I am also a family survivor of a person who committed suicide. My father killed himself, about a year after my mother passed away. He had lots of friends and family who were there for him, and a grand daughter who was living with him and helping to care for him. He gave us absolutely no warning of his intent. The note he left indicated he didn't want to go on living without my mother. They had been married more than 50 years, and he was devastated by losing her, but kept insisting to everyone that he was doing okay. I can tell you first hand that the effect a suicide has on the person's family and friends is one of the worst things that they could ever go through. As someone who has been severely depressed, I know how hopeless and dark it can feel. But I can also tell you that suicide flat out is not the answer. Yes, it will end your situation. But it also ends all hope of getting better, and all the possibilities for your future. And it messes up the lives of everyone who knows and loves you. Stay strong, girl, and find the will to live!

[Sara Jessica]

Anne, I am just numb to read this. My heart goes out to you, please find the strength to regain your view of the beauty in this world and to mend wounded relationships. Kids are resilient, you daughter will surely come around.

[DeidraDee63]

Anne, Please get help your very needed and wanted here. Personally, I am what I am partially due to your courage and strength was my inspiration. We all go through our own hell but God has given us this gift and the strength to prevail and I'm sure you will. i am here for you sis,
Hugs XXXX, Deidra

[Starling]

Our tragedy is that we weren't born women, and to be ourselves we must trash the rest of our lives. It's a tough, tough road to take, and it's only natural that there are times of deep despair. Take heart, Anne, for you will pull through.

:) Lallie