Wife found some of my things

[Glenda58]

I'm in a DADT relationship. And lately I have been pushing it. Late at night after she goes to bed I've been dressing up and watching TV. Taking the dog out. And since we sleep in different room because I snore and keep her up I've been wearing VS slip to bed. Well I didn't hide them I just put in the dresser in the morning. So yesterday she was putting away something for me and saw a skirt top with a new bra and panty set. :eek: When I got home she told me about it and ask again not to have things like that were she might find them. Told me to take them down stairs and hide them.

We had our talk again about me and crossdressing. She thought that as I got older it would stop and it hasn't and never will. So right now I have to be a good girl and not wear anything that looks like it might be female.:sad:

[MelanieAnne]

If you have a DADT relationship, keep it that way. Many posters here would die for what you have. At least she didn't demand you stop or file for divorce. Don't push the boundaries. Just my two cents.

[Lisa85]

You weren't listening. She didn't say stop, she said she didn't want to see it. Totally different reaction. with time both of your responses to CD will change. I wouldn't expect full acceptance, but partial can come with time. It sounds like she thinks this is just a sexual excitement issue, and so will fade with time. she probably needs time to process and latency between CD discussions may help

[ChristinaK]

Glenda, I feel your pain. My wife tends to throw away my clothes if she finds them. Makes me very angry but I just mention my clothes are missing and don't appreciate it, then go buy more.

At least she tolerates some things, like a shaved body, panties and nylon or satin women's pajamas. I try to understand by imagining if she were like me only with men's clothes.

[cdheels]

Glenda, I feel your pain. My wife tends to throw away my clothes if she finds them. Makes me very angry but I just mention my clothes are missing and don't appreciate it, then go buy more.


That is really low from her.

[NicoleScott]

Some CDers break the terms of DADT in hopes that mission creep will result in acceptance. And then complain when the wife reacts. Don't break the deal, renegotiate it.

[Krisi]

You know what you're supposed to do, just do it. Why must you hide your clothes instead of just putting them away?? Is she afraid the children will find them in the dresser? Could you just buy a locking trunk for your clothes and put it at the foot of the bed?

I can't imagine trying to hide dressing but dressing up in the same house as the person or people you're trying to hide it from while they are actually home. What if she needs something and comes into your room to look for it or ask for your help? What if there's a fire and you have to get out quickly?

[Sandra119]

My wife found some of my things once bras and panties she nearly left me and called me a pervert so now I hide all my clothes in the loft and hope she never finds them again

[Teresa]

Glenda,
I assume the dresser you refer to is in your bedroom, if that's the case surely your wife could accept that your clothes would be tidily put away in your own room, what you choose to keep in your dresser is up to you.
I have a problem coming up, at the moment my things are stored in boxes in my redundant darkroom but my counsellor is sending me a cocktail/ballgown, my wife knows this and I would like it stored somewhere more suitable. I'm hoping to negotiate a better arrangement but in a DADT situation it may prove difficult.

[Lisa85]

Remember DADT also means, it's ok if you do out of sight, but please don't remind me too much by play stuff. besides breaking soft or hard boundaries, there is also the tact of stating the problem from your perspective and seeing if she has an alternative that would work for both of you.

[Lena]

If you have separate rooms and a don't ask, don't tell, she should respect your privacy in your room. My wife knows but she doesn't do my laundry. That is our deal. I do my own laundry and put up my own clothes. Just my two cents but I'm sure I don't understand your situation.

Until my mother in law moved back in, I was going to take over the extra bedroom. My wife snores. So now, she doesn't go into my closet.

[MelanieAnne]

Although I've been CDing all my life, I would not have wanted to see my wife dressed as a man, mens haircut, body hair, etc. Just trying to be fair here.

[Glenda58]

I've been dressing up for over 60 yrs. I told her before we got married that I was a crossdresser. And she didn't have any question for me and was alright with it. Now she doesn't want to see it or hear about it. But she has been watching all of the I AM CAITLYN and has gotten her to think I might want to go that way. I try telling her no that I'm to old for that and I like doing some things as a man.

[Lauri K]

I feel sorry for you ladies whose wifes are so closed minded to the point you have to hide, I am fortunate my wife is generally fine with all of my girly stuff lying around everywhere in the house ( generally speaking )

I think she somewhat understands that it is never going to change I am a girly guy and will always be one.

So in my case she has two choices the way I see it ......accept me for who I am and live happily or reject me and go off to find another person that may or may not be better (wife beater, abuser, physco, criminal, etc.)

Life is a gamble, we may not be here tomorrow, so just how much do you want to bet, and how much can you afford to lose and still keep playing is the way I see it.

[TrishaTX]

There is a middle and if you discuss it more maybe you will find one. I was totally hidden for a long time, then out but more dadt...then the last three years have been much better. You need to accept her thoughts and you have yours. If you have a relationship there has to be a middle for things period. I would also fix that snoring, cause the couple that sleeps together sassy together...!

[jjjjohanne]

If she thinks you are possibly going to go full time, but you know you won't, then one or both of you don't know you very well in this area. She has these fears because there isn't an open discussion, I think. My wife and I are talking more about my crossdressing, but she still has these fears that might be quelled if she was more familiar with why I am motivated and how it normally plays out. For the most part, it is just me being me in pretty clothes.

[Rachael Leigh]

Glenda it really is hard on our spouses for sure I'm very much like you but am able to dress before work since my wife and I have different schd. I do have a seperate closet for clothes but doesn't mean she likes it. But honestly she's very sweet about it in many ways but I still try my best to respect her feelings

[kelseygal]

Yeah, from what you stated I'm getting the 'keep it quieter' vibe, not 'stop' vibe. But let your intuition rule here and go with your gut. I am far from in your situation, but from what you've described just need to keep things a little more discreet, though the lady didn't say to stop... you know your so better than anyone, mind that knowledge.

[chinabrown]

Hide it because if your wife suddenly starts dressing like a Stud or FTM many of you would want out especially if they take testosorone and grow a beard ,chest hair and lose the boobs.

[cdheels]

Hide it because if your wife suddenly starts dressing like a Stud or FTM many of you would want out especially if they take testosorone and grow a beard ,chest hair and lose the boobs.

I'm pretty sure it can go both ways.

[Ally 2112]

Near the end of my marriage i had to lock my clothes in a tote box .Then i would have to ask my wife if was ok to dress up (she had the key) .When she was ok with it then i could dress

[katie_barns]

I'm in the same situation. DADT. Thank goodness she isn't hard core. When my things show up in the wash (which I usually avoid) she just puts them on my side of the bed for me to put away. Then reminds me she doesn't want to see them. I do have a few dresses in the back of the closet in the spare room which she ignores. On occasion she has found something that she likes and then it becomes hers. I lost a blouse and purse that way. I don't fight it. I have a few of her things that were put in the 'Drop off at Goodwill bag'. I figured that makes them fair game.

[Barbara Black]

I have pretty much the same situation as katie barns. I now have some clothes in our regular walk-in closet, which she doesn't mention, but I think having my underwear out of sight is important to her, as well as not doing too much dressing in front of her. I go by her and my daughter's wishes not to dress in from of my granddaughter, and she allows me to wear my clothes when they are not around, even in front of her. Makeup, nail polish and wigs are frowned upon and I'm not sure of her exact position on them, and shaving definitely ticks her off, but aside from telling me this, she doesn't quite tell me not to do it. DADT with some rules, probably the same for most of us?

[Alice_2014_B]

Fortunately my wife knows about all my girl-clothes and has seen me in them.
:)

[~Joanne~]

Sorry to hear about that Glenda, I always am when i hear one of us saying these things, Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have the SO that I do. I had just told her last night that opening the closet and seeing half women's clothes and half guy's sometimes make me think i am insane, even though i have accepted this, it still catches me every once in awhile.

[CONSUELO]

Whenever I read one of these posts from someone who has to hide a part of themselves, I am so glad that I told all before marriage and I dress, keep my clothes in the closet and drawers next to hers and wear whatever takes my fancy. I don't think I could live with these sorts of restrictions.

[Katey888]

Funny thing Glenda... :thinking:

In October last year you posted a similar circumstance... and in November the previous year the same thing again... D'ya think if you just got better at hiding stuff this wouldn't happen...?

Or if you've agreed to keep it hidden consider that you actually have ownership of doing that and a responsibility towards your wife...? :hmph:

I don't understand why you say your wife was 'alright with it' when this is what you said shortly after you got married:


Just want to let you know I got married last week. And yes she knows about my crossdressing and she still married me. But she doesn't want to know about it.

Her position seems pretty clear to me - perhaps her tolerance would be improved if you kept your part of the 'bargain'... :straightface:

Katey x

[Majella St Gerard]

that solution is not realistic, It will NOT go away, she has to deal with it, you can't go on like this it will tear you apart. IMHO. My wife enjoys my crossdressing and my style is much more girly than hers, she is a strong woman and not intimidated by my femme side, she is my biggest supporter, and I, hers.

[Staci]

I agree that you should not break the agreement without discussion ahead of time. My wife and I talked about it a lot. She also knew before w got married but still wrestles with it from time to time. I can be very open with her and she even uses me as her full size Barbie to dress and put make-up on. This again came after significant and continued discussions. She understands that I don't want to be a woman I just like dressing like one and feeling like one for a while. She even says I am much more relaxed when dressed. Probably because for a while I can escape some of the normal pressures of real life. I love to dress up. I love the feeling when dressed. I love the action of putting the clothes on. Somehow she understands. I don't know if I could do the same if it went the other way so I feel very fortunate. Sorry for the rambling. Back to the original topic. Love her and don't let her go because even DADT is better than most can hope for.

[Launa]

Whatever you do don't take my advice because I have always said rules are meant to be broken. Need to dress like a woman then just giver shit. One has to remember is it worth the consequences? LOL

[Luciana]

This is the kind of topic that hits all of us that lives a crossdressers' secret life (including me).

About 4 years ago, my wife has found my stuff and it was one of worse moments of my whole life. Specially because in more than 30 years doing crossdressing it was the ONLY time I got caught. We was building our house so we were temporarily living in a VERY small place. All of my stuff were stuck in one of that software card boxes. I had removed all the CDs and manuals and put my lingerie in place. There was also some condoms for my 'wet moments'.

So, she was looking for something that she couldn't find anywhere and decided to look EVERYWHERE. I was just a few steps away working in front of the computer so I wasn't aware that she was starting to mess with my stuff. Suddenly she opened that card box and yelled 'WTF is that?'. When I turned back to look at her, she was just pulling my lingerie out from the box. Geez... the sensation was like to be hit on my face by a heavy brick. I simply froze and didn't know what to say and I just had to admit that the clothes were mine. Period. The atmosphere became very cloudy as I almost could read her mind and see that she was thinking that I had cheating her with some bitch and that those clothes belong to 'the other'. This was what scared me more. But I controlled myself and just kept quiet because I knew that it wasn't the best moment to try to explain anything. Then I just calmed down and left some time to pass.

The rest of that day was awful. So by the end of the day I had time to relax and think about everything. Also I knew that I couldn't torture she anymore with the idea that she was being cheated. Then we seated together and I told her that I was NOT cheating her and that there was NOT anyone else and I could see a big relief in her face. So I told her how I loved her and how I was happy with our life. It made easier to tell her the second part. Then I told that I had bought those things to wear myself because I had seen somewhere that there was a lot of men that did that so I wanted to try. Then I lied and told that it was a mid-age stuff. Yeah, I didn't reveal that I do crossdressing since my 12 because I think that it would be too much.

She understood, things became to normal again (the next few days were a bit weird, but with time everything was forgotten) and I put Luciana to sleep for a long time until a few weeks ago when I started to do my crossdressing again.

——————

I think that only a very small number of women is ready to know about such actions of their husbands. Let's face the reality: it's weird. As someone else has stated (and I feel the same way), at the same way I like to dress sometimes it makes me think I am insane. So putting myself in the shoes of my wife, I don't know if I would be able to say just "oh, ok.". And after to read all the posts, it is clear for me that even the wifes that 'accept' the fact aren't really happy with it. They simply accept it because after to balance things the plate of the 'goods' still are heavier than the plate of the 'bads' in their marriages. I think that it is something like a bitter remedy they have to take.

I think I wouldn't like to insert this bitterness in my wife's life just to have the freedom of doing my 'perversions' without the fear of being caught again. I just love her too much to do it to her. Besides, I am a very discreet person and to confess this trace of my personality just would make me to live in a continuous shame, as every time she looked at me I would guess that she would be judging me for being a crossdresser. OK, I am going to be triple careful from now on to avoid to be caught again. But it may happen. IF it happens probably I wouldn't be able to use the 'mid-age' excuse again and there is a big chance of have to make the confession. But I won't upfront things. I only will do that if I have too. Maybe I never have to.

——————

Now, someone has mentioned that the only alternative that a woman married to a crossdresser has is to accept it or quit and take the chances of getting someone that may be a beater or even a criminal. I simply cannot agree with such assumption! There are several men out there that aren't crossdressers and yet are very good people. I could not be a crossdresser and I would not be a bad person because this. I think that even insinuate such thing for a wife is a kind of psychological abuse, because it sounds like a menace. I am a very good husband despite being a crossdresser or not. To imagine that I am the only man in the world able to make my wife happy is just a silly way of see things.

[~Joanne~]

The atmosphere became very cloudy as I almost could read her mind and see that she was thinking that I had cheating her with some bitch and that those clothes belong to 'the other'.

This is why I think lingerie is one of the worse articles of women's clothing that we can have in our clothes collection, especially if You are in the closet. DADT, well maybe it isn't as bad but being in the closet? that is a recipe for disaster. This is the first thing they think when they fumble across it and with good reason. It makes the "lying" that much more potent and unless you have more to show her to try and prove your case that it is yours, it's a very hard sell.

it is clear for me that even the wifes that 'accept' the fact aren't really happy with it.

I don't believe that this is a true statement, not fully. My SO accepts this, Supports it and takes part in it. While she may not be "overly happy" about it, She not displeased by it either. She knows it is a part of me that isn't going to go away and after almost 3 years of being completely out and honest about it, it has become normal for her (her words not mine). I guess it comes down to how loving and supportive your SO is in everything you do.

[Anne K]

My moment of truth came while making love and my SO spontaneously initiated a role reversal. It blew my mind and I loved it! BTW, we have known each other for 40 years, are on our 3rd relationship together, and will be getting married next year. Until that point our relationships have been totally traditional and I never revealed my CD adventures. Anyway, while we were laying together and basking in what just happened, she asked me if I ever thought about CDing. To say I panicked would be an understatement! I told her I never even considered it. I spent the rest of the night fretting about not being truthful and the ramifications of being truthful. Finally, I decided that I would throw caution to the wind and tell her the truth. She is a psychotherapist and as GG as they get. If she did not take it well, I hoped that she would let me down easy. At breakfast, I came clean. She looked at me and asked me if I was going to go through the whole TG process. I told her that I was not. She smiled and reached for my hand. Here's the important part: I told her that if I did not have her Permission & Participation I would bury my CD instincts -like I have done all my life- and she would never have to deal with it. She is too important to me. She thought a moment and said,"OK, we'll have a lot of fun with this!" Since then, she helped me purchase my first wig (so did she), helped with makeup and polish, and working on my wardrobe. We are having a lot of fun. Frankly, I'm a bit freaked out about it being to easy and natural now.

I have talked with here about Permission & Participation many times. It helps me gauge her feeling and reinforces my commitment to a honest and happy relationship.