I think I overreacted

[StefaniLara]

I was approached by another crossdresser at work on Monday. Of course I was in boy mode, and so was he, but he followed my blog and somehow made the connection of what I had wrote to where I worked, and he took a chance and introduced himself. I kept my cool, but I was panicking inside. How did he manage to find me? Could others find me as well? Could some pervert hoping I would engage him sexually come out of the woodwork, jeopardizing my secret and my job?

We did exchange a few emails, and had hoped to meet for coffee sometime. Still, this ball of panic followed me, and I did what I always do when I stress, I write about it, on my blog. Needless to say, she isn't talking to me anymore. I felt that she violated my privacy by approaching me the was she did, and I wrote about it. I guess she took umbrage to it, though she recognized the fact that it was violating my space. She promised not to contact me again and is no longer following my blog.

I feel bad because she was just trying to make contact with another crossdresser and maybe I overreacted by being so blunt with how I stated it on my blog. I try to justify it by telling myself that I need to keep myself safe, and it's true, but I wish I could go back and do a do-over. For now, I've edited out the sections in my posts that led her to me so it doesn't happen again, but I missed an opportunity to make friends with another crossdresser. I've never had one irl. I feel like such a bitch!

[Anne K]

I understand wanting to stay safe, but you might have missed a opportunity to meet a new friend. Live and learn. I guess it depends on how anonymous you want to be. Personally, I would love to meet some kindred CD'rs.

[StefaniLara]

I would to, but waltzing into my work place isn't the best way to approach me. I'm not out and I would like to keep my two halves separate.

[AngelaYVR]

Apologies never go out of fashion. Offer to start fresh, if rebuffed then at least you'll know that you made the effort. And did they really waltz in? If you supplied enough info in your blog to find you then you should be mad at yourself, not the other person.

[Robin414]

Apologies never go out of fashion. Offer to start fresh, if rebuffed then at least you'll know that you made the effort. And did they really waltz in? If you supplied enough info in your blog to find you then you should be mad at yourself, not the other person.

I agree with Angela 'apologies never go out of fashion', I'd try reaching out to her and explain the reason for your reaction and why you've reconsidered...a friend IRL is worth two in...Ummm...VRL?

[AllieSF]

Sorry to hear about all this. That is why so many of us here say all the time, whatever you post on line is open to all, no matter how careful you try to be. Once out, it is out and almost impossible to retract. You have your picture here in your avatar and maybe have posted other pictures too. They are not safe and can easily be copied and used elsewhere. I have seen a few pictures of a member here on Craigslist! Did you handle the current situation well? Based on what I am reading, I would guess not so good. Maybe you can contact the other person for a quiet and long conversation, or send a note of apology and then let the matter drop.

I looked for and found several friends on this site. Some last and some don't, but they can become very good friendships. I do wish you the best and hope that you reconsider your on line presence and how you will react in the future when something else happens.

[Victoria Demeanor]

Bitch..no..overreact...maybe, but I can not blame you. This is not a "typical" hobby and it is frocked with dangers of all kinds. I can certainly understand your apprehension when someone figures out who you are and walks in on you in that manor. You said you emailed back and forth a few times and my only thought would be to actually talk to her about it or express these concerns first before writing them in your blog. I had an incident before coming here where I was desperate to figure this all out. I reached out in the wrong media and found another CD. we emailed back and forth for several weeks and I know I wrote in depth about this being non-sexual for me and that I was just looking for a friend, platonic, I used this word over and over in my correspondence. When I met her at her house I soon realized that she hadn't really read or comprehend what I wrote. what I was looking for. She got very touchy, alluded to things and I felt very vulnerable. I ran and cut off all contact and it has made me afraid to seek out and meet others.
So a little different situation, but I understand the hesitation. Sorry I don't really have any good advice, but I do empathize.

[Tracii G]

You should apologize and let her know you were uneasy.
She may have been the same way but stepping outside of the box and taking a chance just to meet someone like her.
How can you expect to make friends if you wont take a tiny leap of faith? How do you think she feels at this point? Shunned by someone she thought might understand her.
Invite her out for coffee in a public place and set things straight.

[IamWren]

I agree with what everything Victoria said Steph. I used to maintain a blog and tried quite hard to keep it somewhat anonymous but I did disclose what city I lived in, my occupation, and tiny little snippets that when pieced together a decent picture came together of who I was.

I then had someone i knew in real life approach me and address me by online moniker.

Oh bitch, hell no.

I don't blame you a bit for the way you reacted. When it happened to me my reaction was not one of my finer moments but as Angela pointed out, i think me being upset at this person in real life was actually displaced anger at myself.

I don't think it would hurt anything to apologize for your reaction, state subtly that what she did was inappropriate and maybe ask her for a do-over.

[Alice_2014_B]

I say just try to restart the friendship.
:)

[bcpmax]

he followed my blog and somehow made the connection of what I had wrote to where I worked, and he took a chance and introduced himself.

I think your response was anything but an over reaction. The internet is a great thing with plenty of wonderful people; but not everyone on the internet is wonderful. The thought of a person online being able to determine where I am, and meet me in the real world without contacting me, is scary, like super duper scary. If one person could do it, then anyone could *Shivers*.

From what you said, It doesn't seem like this person had any nefarious motives, but still, going to someones workplace, retail or not, is crossing some lines, and your feelings are absolutely justified.

I would make sure to alter what ever gave your location away; Then I would maybe setup an email address for people to contact so the "wonderful" people, like this one seemed to be, can contact you without feeling the need to drop in on your work.

The internet is a wonderful place. stay safe!

[mykell]

hi stephani,
i dont know if you overreacted but you reacted, two wrongs dont make a right gamma always said,
email a heartfelt apology if you wish...its the best you can do, expect the worst case scenario, hope for the best...
as far as meeting another cd....have you ever tried a support group, pflag is one i have been going to, the first time in male mode the second dressed, no bra or forms, wig, make-up, flats, felt very comfortable....like when here, last month with my goatee in male mode, next month, the new me.....

the time i went dressed i meet someone and we exchanged numbers, she called me while i was working....asked if she was bothering me and i explained that it wasnt a good time, i was working....of coarse i was taken aback when i realized who had called and it was a first for me, did she here something in my voice, notice something in my attitude.....dont know......iv called back once and got no reply.....texted my e-mail address to her and explained it was a better way to contact, never heard from her....felt like a doe in the lights during that first contact....hope i will run across her again and it will work out,
ive since had better interaction from folks here and hope that we can get a do-over.....always hard to make that leap of faith and understand why some cant....

she may not be following your blog but may still read it, write about it and how you felt and if you want to apologize to her there but do use the right pronoun....

[StefaniLara]

I've tried to reach out and sent another invitation to sit down for coffee, but I'm being roundly ignored. I feel like such a putz, but all the same, I'd rather err on the side of caution than to put myself in any danger. I'll try again in a few days, and if I'm still ignored, I'll drop it. I need to update my contact info so that if someone wants to get a hold of me, my email will clearly be visible.

I'll be kicking myself for weeks. :sad:

[Valery L]

StefaniLara, locating you is trivial, it is almost explicitly indicated in your blog. Hence, I do not know why are you surprised. You should change your information because almost any person that visit your blog can easily locate you, and it might be dangerous, your concern is completely justified. We do not know what kind of people can interpret your almost explicit location information as an open invitation for dirty or mean things, especially when in your blog you are sharing delicate information such as your crossdressing. Hopefully, that mysterious crossdresser is not a bad person and he do not have evil purposes. Anyway, be careful.

[donnalee]

Frankly, I think the person that contacted you was TOTALLY out of line and should have known better, which makes me doubt that he's a CD . If so, he has no sense of judgement, if not it's even more scary. Someone like this should be avoided like the plague as it can only lead to disaster.
I would further recommend that you edit your previous blogs and posts to remove any info that can ID you and you refrain from providing such info in the future; it can only end badly.

[Teresa]

Stefani,
Why do you think any real harm has been done, after all you tempted providence by writing enough information for someone to put two and two together, they contacted you because they thought perhaps they could help you or needed help themselves ! I guess if you know the person to speak to face to face go and buy them a coffee and apologise, it could be the start of a good friendship.
At some point you are going to have to accept yourself as a CDer, stop hiding it, embrace it and enjoy it, others don't care as much as we think they do !

[pamela7]

i think perhaps one way ahead is to put on your blog, that you don't want to be contacted in person, but if someone does want to start a conversation, do it online, or on this forum?

[Danitgirl1]

Nope you did not over react. There are plenty of crazies out there. Hell trans people get MURDERED all too frequently.
If this person is on the level they would see that. The fact that they are being all hurt suggests to me that they realise you are not the easy target they thought and have moved on.
I would say you have handled yourself well. Be very careful of meeting people especially 1 on 1.
I have heard some scary stories. Just saying.
So don't beat yourself up. And be careful if this person comes back to you... That would be classic abusive behaviour and would set off MORE alarm bells in my head...

[Candice June Lee]

I am not sure what you should do. However, apologies do go a long way. You may be the best of friends later. Maybe coffee out of the work place to discuss and apologize.
This is something to keep out of the workplace in my opinion. We were at a munch outing in drab a couple weeks ago. It turned out that one of the fellow cders we frequent with works for the same company at another local location we have. I never would have thought it. I worried about my job then thought, hey, I have as much on her as she does me so I quit worrying about it.
I think you can d fix this and move forward. We all need fellow life style friends.

[Krisi]

If you want to keep your two halves separate, you can't really have an Internet blog and be truthful on it. Even on a membership forum like this one, if you put too much information out there, you're taking a chance that someone will figure you out.

For example, your location is given as Texas. That may or may not be true, but if I is and you mention a city or that you go to such and such bar, park, museum, etc., that narrows it down.

I find it awkward at times to answer a post and leave certain personal information out, but if you're in the closet, that's what you have to do.

As for your co-worker, you may want to attempt an apology but many of us here would feel it was wrong for him to bring it up in the first place. It's like the threads on seeing another crossdresser in public.

[Jaylyn]

Stefanilara, why do you have two Internet sites that many people you talk about your CD in. On here and of all the other places a blog. Remember everything you put on here or on a blog, Twitter, Facebook, or any other social media site is out there for good. Many may just go to a site and lurk there. Probably some on here. I've noticed that many are members and you never see a post, I call those lurkers. Now take it that some are just CD that are scared to post and a few are real lurkers that are just waiting till someone posts something that they can identify with. Such as work place, city, even a business they frequent or even a group. If you want the world to know you are a cd just post it anywhere but if you want to stay hidden really the only way to do that is watch the places that can get you noticed. A blog is one of those places. I've found out a person can tell where your post are coming from by location services and a phone by where it last pinged out. An FBI buddy of mine showed me that from a crime scene he had worked. Apparently from what I read every thing we post is open to the world with the right equipment. I don't think your problem is that serious but always err on the side of caution and use your gut feeling on what you should do. Who knows your friend if they are a cd also then probably they are scared you might be going to reverse the thing and turn them in n also. They may even be your best friend though if you apologize and let them know your feelings about being contacted at work. All this answers your question though, "Could others find me as well" yeppers they can if put enough out there.

[Cheryl_Layton]

It’s a bit difficult to pass comment (although I am doing!) without knowing the full facts, especially of the dialogue between you and the other person. For example, was his introduction discrete or did you feel that he could be a loose cannon? What kind of picture did you build up of this person from the email exchanges that you had? What did you say on your blog that frightened this person away? Did he feel that YOU couldn’t be trusted?

I would hazard a guess here that a good many CDers really do want someone that they can share their dressing with. I know a lot of people have SOs that join in, to some extent but I guess the percentage of CDers dressing alone is probably quite high. The problem is, of course, finding the right person. In an ideal world, people would respect each other person’s boundaries and limits. If a CDer wants to keep the activity low-key (or as secret as possible) then it’s vital that the other person is of the same mindset otherwise problems will occur. I guess another problem is that because dressing can ebb and flow we worry what the other person will do if we decide we want a break from dressing. Will they quietly fade into the background or will they put pressure on you to resume, or even try psychological blackmailing? All these concerns are probably why most CDers befriend people either through the forum or by meeting in CD groups out of town.

From your last paragraph it does seem that you want a friend to share your CDing. As to whether this other person is the right person only you can tell. If so, then apologise and try and develop a friendship but letting him know the limitations of what you are looking for in the friendship. If he’s not, then keep well away.

[Beverley Sims]

Wait a while and then apologise, if you get a positive reaction then you may find a friend.

Writing a blog would only gel with someone close by and if you do not reveal a great deal no one is likely to guess it is you.

[CynthiaD]

Not everything can be fixed. Sometimes words cause damage that can never be repaired. It's best to remember this to avoid making the same mistake twice.

Best of luck none the less.

[jjjjohanne]

If this person did not contact you on-line to warn you they were coming, then my sympathies lie with you.

[~Joanne~]

I don't think you over reacted at all, I would have reacted the same way if I had been in your place. This is one of the reasons some here have said forever that when you see a girl out in public not to approach her, it's worse when Your in drab and at work by a thousand times.

I can understand the other girl trying to reach out though, who doesn't want to have a sister as a friend who understands everything that you may or may not be going through, someone to talk to, or just hang out with. She just made a bad judgement call when it came to time and place that's all. At least she showed up in drab, had she been dressed, things would have been a lot worse.

[Luciana]

I am totally with the OP. She acted well. I think that the other CD was too imprudent on approach in person. If she thought that the blogger was a person in the office she knew, she should send her an email first and ask if it would be OK if they meet etc. I think that in the shoes of the OP I would feel equally uncomfortable. Don't think she overreacted. And if she did, so what? It is a normal thing when someone step into your space. Also I don't think that the OP has to apologize.

[StefaniLara]

Paranoia aside, I declare the coffee date a success! I made mention how a crossdresser found me at work and how I may have been a little to dramatic with my reaction, at least online. I've made a few modifications to my blog that I hope will prevent a repeat of readers finding me at my work - yikes! - and allow them to contact me online.

That being said, we agreed to meet at a coffeehouse not far from my place of employment. I wanted to meet at a public, and busy, place for the sake of my personal safety. It put me at ease, and I think they appreciated the fact that I was willing to meet them as well. We met in boy mode and we were a study in contradictions. I work in retail where my dress is casual. Sloppy may be a better description, while he was dressed professionally in slacks and a dress shirt, sans a tie, though I could easily imagine that he would wear one should it be required.

We didn't discuss our alter egos since people were close by, and I know I didn't want to be overheard, but we did talk about ourselves a bit. Mostly we discussed books, mainly because I do like to write and I have aspirations of becoming a published novelist, *cross my fingers!* We talked about our education, both of us receiving our Bachelor's degree,though in different disciplines. We shared our backgrounds, namely where we lived and where we've worked. We didn't share too much, especially since this was our first meeting. Best to go about it slowly.

The date lasted a little less than an hour, but speaking for myself, I know I relaxed tremendously. Someone called me paranoid, and I'll cop to it. I can be, but I'd rather err on the side of caution. Call me crazy, I call it being socially anxious which could be the same thing. All the same, I believe I've met a kindred spirit, one that I hope to call a friend soon. I can move glacially at times, but once I call you a friend, you're one for life, and I'm not one to bestow that on a whim. I'm silly that way.

[UNDERDRESSER]

It's not paranoia if they're really out to get ya! Not saying your new friend, or anyone else, for that matter, IS, out to get you, but these days, probably good to be a bit cautious. Hope it continues to go well for you.

[Cheryl_Layton]

The fact that the date lasted almost an hour makes me think that this new-found relationship has a lot of potential. It'll be interesting to see how it develops when you open up to each other about your alter egos.

I'm very pleased for you and hope it all goes well.

[Rhonda Darling]

Stefani:

Im glad it went relatively well for a first meeting. I know it's initially difficult to open up about your femme side. I kept my secret for almost 60 years before talking with anyone about my CDing. Now I'm in a local Meetup group of over 500 girls who regularly go out together en femme (not all 500+ at once). We all are now pretty comfortable sharing much of our pasts with each other -- once you learn to open up, quite a lot bubbles up and out.

Continue to to be safe going to meet each other, and remember the words of our 40th President: "Trust, but verify!" Going into a relationship with a complete stranger, you need to know as much about him as he knows about you.

Best regards,

Rhonda

[jenniferinsf]

i am with krisi and jaylyn on this one....in general i am feeling there is a huge amount of paranoia about this topic...as one other person said if you do not want to be contacted in person...say so in your blogs, and change the details.