the press forward

[GabbiSophia]

I am not sure why I fight so hard. I have no clue why I can not accept myself and just let go. I do know that after a weekend of self destruction that I can not do it like this anymore. I have to do something to alleviate the static that has become so intense now. It is not everyday but it is a wake up call to the fact that GD can be debilitating. I wish my mind was not at constant war with itself over these issues. My therapist is trying to get me to accept, which I thought I had done, but I am having the hardest time. Some days I just want to scream at the world what I am going through but that will fall short of helping. The hormones have been a blessing but now even they do not seem to be enough. Even though I see the issues that others are having and what a absolutely cruel world we live in, I have to do something. The mental strain of fighting everyday is tiring and what is most unfortunate is the fact that I missed out on a few days because I checked out. This %$#@ is sucks and it is real, even though I swear it feels like a damn role I am playing. My mind is going crazy at how to alleviate it without just pulling the pin and grenading my life. I hope I haven't gone so slow that I have to rush forward to get relief. I truelly wish TS didn't exist because this midlife crisis sucks beyond belief. Everyday I am trying to accept now ... and yet I am still struggling.

[Laura912]

The constant war is fatiguing. Do you feel that one half of your mind is trying to eat the other half? Sometimes the screaming is not just mental but out loud and primal. This is why many would like a pill that would make things go one way or the other but just get out from between the two boulders. I hope that you can soon reach a point where you can find a direction. Best and hugs.

[stefan37]

This is not a race. Transition takes a long time. Have you started facial hair removal yet? If not start yesterday. You may find you get some relief. Just doing something no matter how small is significant. It's progress. You may find that helps. The sooner you stop the internal war. The sooner you will find relief.

[LeaP]

Gabbi,

What you are describing with hormones is pretty common. Yet, what Stef said about taking steps is also true. People think too much about ultimate resolutions. Boiling the ocean or, using an analogy I like from Kaitlyn, despairing over the unclimbable barrier, is guaranteed to spike your stress.

Forget about the magnitude of "the condition," the difficulties, letting go, pulling pins, etc. The path is one step at a time. You won't know if any of them are sufficient until you take them. And that's just the way it is when you have the kind of crisis you have.

That's even true with acceptance. My experience with acceptance is that intellectual acknowledgment is entirely insufficient. Real acceptance comes directly from living, i.e., taking steps. There is very little in therapy per se that will get you there.

[Patty B.]

I feel just like Gabbi, but decieded earlier this year, to forgo hormones and transition, although I went back to the psychologist with the intention to transition, I'm 62 and am now talking to the therapist for coping strategies to help with not transitioning, also without the destructive behavior. But I understand what a tough road it is to walk, probably harder without some one with me, now because I am now single due to this disorder, best wishes Gabbi, I hope you'll get there.

[LeaP]

Patty, perhaps you see your sex and gender situation as a disorder, I do not.

[ErikaS]

Gabbi
I for one know your struggle it is somewhat like a lot of others and mine as well. I found that some days it was a struggle just to get through the day and sometimes fight with my wife over it as well. I had to find myself and with help it has helped yes HRT is also helping and electrolysis. but most of all it was understanding and knowing its one step at a time it may be a day and hour or mabye just a few minuets to get through. I have learned here and others that we just are in for the long haul. moving forward has kept me peace and lots of running and Yoga. find something to keep you busy and not work its can be a drag. I started beekeeping watching all those girls work there magic is amazing. what im saying find peace and move forward. Its not a race its a long process we have to embrace and learn to keep loving ourselves.

Best of .....

Erika

[Eringirl]

Hi Gabbi...I think I get it....I was there for sure. Mostly because I didn't want to admit that I needed to do this. I was trying to convince myself I wanted to do it. That didn't work. No one wants to do this. If you are struggling because you are not sure that you need to transition, that is one thing. If you are struggling because you are afraid of the price, that is another. For me, it got to the point that there was going to be a price to pay, either my life, or my life as I knew it. In the end, self preservation won out. I remember vividly that exact time that happened. Soaking in a tub, lights out, contemplating an end, when that voice inside my head started screaming "let me out, I can help, I can save you, let me out". That was it. That was the moment. I let Erin out, and she did saved me. I decided it was better for me to "pull the pin", save myself, be there for my girls, and face the cost. And there was a cost. I did loose my wife. But I have my family, Brother and sister and their spouses and kids. I have my two girls. And........I have me.

I was speaking with a very dear friend a few weeks ago and told him about my diagnosis and my transition. I told him that after all these years, I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't fight it. I was too tired, it was exhausting. I fought the good fight, now it was time. He said, denying who you really are is not "the good fight". The good fight is accepting who you are and doing what you have to do to be true to yourself and everyone around you. Smart man.

I have had my share of WTF moments. Some lasted for weeks, then they became less and less frequent and shorter in duration. Ya, I still get them, but they last about 2 or 3 seconds when my brain slaps me upside the head and brings me back to reality. My reality. I know it is hard. As so many wise women on this forum have said, this sh!t is hard. So, take a breath. Take another one. You don't have to solve this tonight. And yes, boiling the ocean is a daunting task. Start with a cup. Take your time. Speak to people. Take the time to gain clarity, decide what you have to do. Some say that I am rushing ahead way too fast. I don't know, it has been 17 years of active struggle. I think that is long enough......I think that is slow enough. It's my time. (my support team agrees with me as well - in fact, I just had that conversation yesterday with my therapist).You need to decide if this is your time. Apologies if this seems glib. I mean it in a most empathetic and supportive way possible. I wish you only the best. Hopefully somethings that others have posted on this thread will resonate with you. I tend to prattle on, I am never sure if anything I say is helpful. But I am always willing to talk....just ask anyone!!! ;)

PM me if you need to bounce some thoughts around.

Be well,

Erin

[Badtranny]

That was really great Erin.