Debating Coming Out to My Mother...

[Sarina Curtis]

My mother (in her 60's) is coming over for a visit this Christmas and I'm thinking about letting her know about my cross dressing. I'm really close with my mom as she has helped me get through some of the toughest times of my life and I trust her but I'm not sure if this might be too much. We're already separated by the Pacific and I get to see her maybe once every 2-3 years at best. I started cross dressing only a little over a year ago and was a typical little boy growing up; into sports and the outdoors, preferring comic books and shoot 'em up video games to dolls and tea sets. She has no idea that I enjoy wearing a dress and heels and never had ANY clue that I had tried on her lipstick or pantyhose once or twice when I was a teenager. I know my mother is reasonably open-minded as I have step-sister who came out as a lesbian and my mom didn't bat an eyelash, but I have a suspicion that when it's her blood and because cross dressing is a different kettle of fish to same-sex relationships, her reaction could be different. There won't be threats of getting disowned or insults thrown, and I highly doubt she'd "out" me to anyone even if she disapproved, what I'm terrified of would be her possible disappointment, a greater distance developing between us than just geography or even worse an awkward silence/avoidance that possibly affects my daughters' relationship with their grandmother. It's also quite possible that my mom accepts the situation and I end up with tremendous supporter and someone whom I could finally confide in (I respect and appreciate everyone on this site, but we all know it's different when it's family) as my wife is still adjusting to my journey of self-discovery and worries about the consequences to our family should I ever get accidentally 'outed' or decide to go public (I'd lose my job for sure) and more people knowing about my cross dressing increases the risk. I know have to discuss this with my wife before doing anything of course but how I start that conversation is an even more daunting proposition as we are DADT at the moment.

I can pack my clothes and shoes away for a few weeks, say nothing and maintain the status quo. I can leave my stuff where it is and choose to deflect or fess up should it be discovered. I can take a chance and either find myself adrift and isolated from my family or with a shoulder I can lean on and an ear to bend. As the holidays creep closer I'm getting increasingly nervous about the whole thing and hope to arrive at some kind of decision before I drive myself nuts (well technically even MORE nuts than I already am!)

Any advice and/or experience in this matter would be greatly appreciated.

[Jenniferathome]

I always ask this question when this kind of post pops up: are you telling her for her or for you?

if for her, because SHE needs to know because you are planning to dress around her, for example, then tell her. Why does she need to know?

[caitlyn aguilera]

When i told my Mom. She already knew....

[Sarina Curtis]

Jennifer: In response to your questions I would have to say it's more for me and I don't think my mother needs to know. I can pack my stuff away for a few weeks and survive. I've kept very little from my mom and as my cross dressing is an increasing part of my life hiding something this big from her leaves me uncomfortable for the reasons in my initial post. As I grow more comfortable with who I am I do run through the ramifications, both intended and unintended, that my decisions could have on my family and wonder if I'm doing them any harm by not letting them know.

[Luciana]

What's the point on telling it to her? Are you in search of approval?

I don't know, for me such kind of unnecessary confession is like to shot your own foot and maybe shot the foot of the other person too. Sometimes people decides do share their secrets to a relative or a friend thinking that the other person will get amazed with that. But this is not the real world. People generally don't want to be aware of certain things. Secrets have a reason to be secrets. And the main reason is because normally they relate to things that diverge from the common sense, and therefore, can be shocking and highly disapproved by others. So why play with this?

Unless you are absolutely sure that telling about your CDing to your 60's mother that lives at the other side of the ocean will bring some kind of enhancement to your relationship, it doesn't make any sense. Otherwise you are just getting into the risk of put you both in a very awkward moment. And there is more: right in a time of the year when people aren't interested on chocking surprises. Christmas is already a time of the year where everybody is more sensitive and remember about a lot of things, so no one really needs an extra push.

I think that to throw such confession over someone else is a selfish decision because the only thing the confessor really wants is to transfer part of his burden to the shoulders of the other. Being a CD is not easy, I know, specially when you have to keep it just for you. But it is part of the package. Always remember that YOU are a CD and the people that live around you and love you don't want to know about this. In short, it simply is not fair with the other person.

It would be completely different if your mother lived to you day-by-day in the same house, if she already had caught you, found your stuff, or was suspicious about your actions, etc, and eventually you both seated to talk about this. But pull this rabbit from the top hat will leave a bitter taste. Of course, there is no doubt that being your mother she will still love you despite ANYTHING you tell her. But it doesn't mean that she will be happy or won't suffer with it.

If it would me and if it would my mom, I wouldn't tell.

:eek:

EDIT: Please just ignore everything I wrote above if you are going to become a transsexual and live as a woman full-time. In this case I agree that you have to 'prepare' her to face this new reality.

[I Am Paula]

I think you've got a LOT of work with your wife before anybody else needs to know. If you're hoping to dress around your mother, your wife has to be 100%, and very used to it first.
If you just think it's something your mother should know, that's your call.
Good luck, you've got some tough choices.

[Beverley Sims]

Keep the problem between you and your wife, does your mother need to know?

Why not have a happy Christmas instead?

Think about it.

[Sandra]

It is up to you as to whether you tell your mum and only you can decided to do it. Now doing it over the Christmas period to me is not wise, if she is ok and accepting then everyone is happy but if she's not then it could ruin everyone's holiday time, think carefully.

[Amy Lynn3]

As for myself I never shared my crossdressing with family members, but was caught several times by them. That was just me and you will need to choose if you want to tell her or not.

I do offer a way to open the conversation with your Mom if you like. Ask to talk to her in private and say Mom, can you help me with this ? Just tell her a short time ago you got urges to wear female clothing. Tell her you have done it and and liked wearing them. I think a soft opening to the subject will open the door for you both to talk about the subject. It will give you a clue how she feels about it, plus, she is your Mom and what Mom would not want to help a son understanding and support him ? Moms can be of great help and understanding.

If you do broach the subject with her, I would advise you not to show pictures of yourself dressed or some other type big reveal.

[Gabby6790]

I don't know, I am new to all this and certainly no expert, but shouldn't you be able to talk to family about life's difficulties? I know that is a perfect world mentality but it sounds like Sarina and her mom have a pretty good relationship. I know as a father I would want my child to tell me anything about their life they felt they were struggling with. If only so I could be supportive and be someone they could talk to about it.

I agree the DADT dynamic with the SO makes this more difficult but IF the SO is okay with AND you have a pretty good idea that your mother would be supportive I would say go for it.

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Amy Lynn
I think this is very good advice. You could also try I did this for Halloween thing and see how she takes it.

[Sarah-RT]

Sarina, telling family is as personal as disclosing to your SO, different in every case. I came out to family and friends over the last year and the relief, joy, mental stability and everything else I've felt is immense, I'm still living at home so it was a mix of her needing to know and me wanting to tell.
I feel less bottled up, less moody, more open and importantly more me.
I was able to admit to myself that this is a part of me, and to my family that I am this way.

In your case, does that sound like something you would want to do? It eat me up wanting to admit it to my mom.

On the other hand there is the gamble of emotional distance and the other concerns you mentioned. Unfortunately it's for you to decide as only you know your mom. Don't decide lightly on it, write down your feelings and your journey so far, read over it and make sure that that is you and who you want to share with your mom.
Since your time together is limited by distance it is obviously support your looking for, explain the emotional/psychological challenge doing what we do does to you rather than "I like to wear dresses"
When people understand the why they are more receptive to the news.

As a last point I'll offer a statement, many members have regretted not telling their parents, and couldn't because they had passed away, though many members say their parents probably wouldn't speak to them again if they found out.

Any other questions please ask away.

[Sarina Curtis]

Luciana: Thank you for the response and I respect your opinions. As much as I worry that telling my mom might change my relationship with her, I also worry that hiding this part of myself could do the same. The whole reason I posted this was check if I am being selfish and avoid "throwing this" at her if I shouldn't. Common sense demands getting the advice of those with experience in these matters so I can make as educated and rational a decision as possible, so here I am. I freely admit that some of the motives behind this are selfish: I would like to be able to talk to someone I trust about this. While my wife and I are working our way towards that, we're not quite there yet. My mother does love me, I have no doubt of that and while her approval of my cross dressing would be nice, not having it didn't prevent me from moving forward with this part of my life. There aren't going to be any trips to the mall for skirts and a latte coming out of this one way or another. Other motives are respecting the relationship that I currently have with my mother especially in regard to something that could put her at risk, even if it is a minimal one as I continue forward with my feminine side. There's very little I don't tell my mother and holding this back from her feels odd. While I will put my feminine clothing away for the visit I will not purge just to avoid any chance of discovery either. I'm truly sorry you feel that the people we love don't want to know about our cross dressing. I hope that my mother does want to know because she wants to know who I truly am. Whether I can dress in front of my mother or not won't change who I am or how much I love her. Hiding this from my wife nearly cost me my marriage. While I do have to hide this side of myself from some (my kids until they reach an age where they can understand it, my ultra-conservative employer) I don't want to hide it from those I love.

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It is up to you as to whether you tell your mum and only you can decided to do it. Now doing it over the Christmas period to me is not wise, if she is ok and accepting then everyone is happy but if she's not then it could ruin everyone's holiday time, think carefully.

Thanks Sandra,

Christmas time never really entered my mind on this. If I do tell my mom it's something that I'd rather do face to face and this may be the only opportunity for years. One more factor to take into consideration.

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I think you've got a LOT of work with your wife before anybody else needs to know. If you're hoping to dress around your mother, your wife has to be 100%, and very used to it first.
If you just think it's something your mother should know, that's your call.
Good luck, you've got some tough choices.

Thank you for the response Paula,

Things have been improving with my wife which is why potentially coming out to my mom entered into my mind. Before I make any decision on this it will have to be something BOTH of us agree on.

Sarah-RT: This is something I always thought about sharing with my mom from the get-go and I feel awkward not telling her. I 80% think she'll be momentarily shocked but roll with it once I get past the "Are you gay?" part of things. It's the 20% chance of act like it never happened and maybe stay home for Christmas next trip that has me worried.

Amy-Lynn: I will definitely keep your advice in mind should I move forward with this. Thank you very much for it!

[LydiaL]

I chose to never come out to family and close friends. If I were planning to transition and live full time as a woman that would be different. For now it will be my and CD/TG friends secret. Of course Sarina it is your choice, but it may be better to keep your cross dressing a secret from your mother during this upcoming visit. First, allow time for you and your wife to be fully adjusted to the journey before any reveal.

[Cheryl_Layton]

Of course, one of the biggest disappointments could be that you tell your mom, who we could assume is ok with you being a CDer, but that she might not be as enthusiastic about the subject as yourself and may not want to discuss it to the extent that you do. You’ve obviously told your wife, who, I would assume, is someone you can share your most innermost thoughts with but have unfortunately ended up in a DADT situation.

It seems like you would like the opportunity to talk openly and candidly about your CDing to someone but are worried that if you discuss it with anyone outside the safe confines of your family then you risk being outed. I understand how you feel but I think that talking about it with either another CDer, who you could trust absolutely, or a therapist would be the better path to go down.

[Tracii G]

Ask your wife first to see what she thinks.
She has to live thru this situation too.

[AngelaYVR]

I know where you are coming from. I have absolutely no need to tell my mum and won't be telling her but when I'm around her I do feel somewhat of a compulsion to enlighten her about my dressing. Perhaps because I have fully accepted and welcomed this part of my life? Who knows.

[Lorileah]

Christmas time never really entered my mind on this. If I do tell my mom it's something that I'd rather do face to face and this may be the only opportunity for years. One more factor to take into consideration.

Your'e thousands of miles away. You Crossdress, you aren't transitioning. You don't have spousal support 100%. You admitted it's for you and not for your mom. She will be there "stuck" with you afterward ad if she's not happy or comfortable, you messed up a good visit.

I vote, put it away at least the visible stuff and be a good son for a few weeks

[marshalynn]

Sarina, I told my mother after 70 years of wanting to be a girl, she felt hurt that I had not told her long before, so she could have helped me. She thought she was not a good mother for not knowing. You do what you think makes your life better. I would tell my wife my plans before I did any thing. Marshalynn

[AbigailJordan]

Mom will always be mom.. and mom will always love her little boy, even if he likes to be a little girl sometimes..

A mothers love is unconditional.

[char GG]

The whole reason I posted this was check if I am being selfish and avoid "throwing this" at her if I shouldn't.

Re-read this.

[Sarina Curtis]

Thank you all for your advice and experience. I am especially grateful for those who are getting me to ask myself the tough questions and helping me examine just what my motivations are versus what they should be. I have a lot to think over and it's comforting to know that I have others willing to help me make the best decision.

[Launa]

I haven't read any other comments except for your post. All I can say is don't do it. If you need approval then get it from someone else. She might have a suspicion but why create any heartache if you don't have to.

[JOHANH]

Have been mulling over the same thing. Have not done it to avoid embarrassment on both sides. She already feels bad that she couldn't stop me from using tobacco.
So still keeping it my and my fiances secrete. Having enough issues with that so do not need more.