Can you be Transgender without every being dressed up and living that way.....

[PamTG]

I am not sure why I am even really posting this because I guess in the end nobody can really tell you what is right or wrong besides yourself and how you feel about life when you are transgender.

I am just going to ask this anyway, do you think you could honestly be happy being transgender and not dressing as your inner soul tells you that you should be? I mean I am a Transgender Woman and I live Full Time as a man but the way my life works I am not sure if living as a woman full time is the route that I really want to go down or if I just want to underdress and live my life that way. I mean there are so many routes that I can go that I am not sure if any of them are the route that I want to go down.

In all honesty all the work that I see some do to become the men or women that they are meant to be is so much when it comes to hair, make up and clothes and shaving and voice change and etc etc. That I sometimes feel like its so much work to be someone that I know that I truly am or should I skip the make up and the voice change and just be happy with who I am and if that means that I never transition or I never do more than dressing under my male clothes who says that I cannot be happy doing that.

I guess I just have to realize what I want out of this life and go from there. As I see more and more of the transgender community and how people treat each other the more I think that suppressing these feelings even longer will not be a big deal. I just have no clue what to do anymore.

[Saikotsu]

Hey. As you said, only you have the right answers for yourself. I can't tell you what is right or wrong for you, but I can tell you what was right for me.

I am a genderfluid individual. My internal identity does not remain static. Some days I'm more female than male, others not so much. It took a while, but I figured out little things I could do to be happy and comfortable no matter what my internal gender becomes throughout the day. Things like neutral gendered glasses, or neutral hairstyles. The key is finding what's best for you.

I've come to terms with the fact that transition won't solve anything for me. The outside would change, but the inside would remain fluid, so I'd still feel some dysphoria. It sounds like you've come to the same conclusion: transition isn't right for you.

Something concerns me with your post though. You seem to be of the opinion that suppressing your feelings will be okay. I'm my experience, supressing yourself only ends up damaging you in the end. Rather than supress the feelings, I recommend you find ways to work with them. For instance, on days where I'm a woman, I resent going to work dressed as a man. But if I paint my toenails, and put some clear nail polish on my hands, wear womens pants (ones that aren't obviously feminine), and underdress, I can mitigate a lot of the dysphoria while still not outing myself.

Anyway, rambling aside, I think it's perfectly possible to be happy with who you are even if your internal gender doesn't match your external. Transition isn't for everyone. Its a huge commitment. Explore it at your own pace and you'll figure it out as you go. What works for some won't work for you, and vice versa.

[mikeyp]

I'm going to say yes. The fact that you have a choice in the matter at this point in time is a good sign! It looks like you've taken the first step that you needed to take, acceptance. You know what you truly want and now the question is "Is what I want realistic?" "What do I want out of this experience?". Honestly, I'm not a big fan of the online transgender community, I won't lie about that. The crossdressing forum is a great place, but places like reddit, etc. I can't relate to them at all.

I feel like they're also preying on confused souls and adding more fire into their flame. It almost seems cultist. I present pretty androgyne in real life myself though. I've worn yoga pants and leggings, but have never gone so far as to go out in a skirt or anything. I also wear shirts that complement the male body, but I've found that crop tops also look good on guys, heh. I also hate shaving. I guess because I think my beard looks amazing. I prefer my hair short-medium length and I hate fooling with my voice(my first night out fully crossdressed, I HATED this, makes me incredibly dysphoric). Anyway, I found a decent medium in presenting as a really feminine man. This allows me to express myself as I see fit for the most part, but it isn't so attention drawing, and doesn't take an hour of makeup to look passable, etc. I'm a "sissy boy" :)

If you feel a longing to present female though, go for it! I think a mistake people make is feeling like they're "faking" themselves if they don't present how they feel fit. You can be you no matter what attire you're wearing. The clothes don't exactly make the person, but they sure feel like they do! Never let someone "force" you to be like them, even our very own transgender community is famous for doing this very thing. If you feel uncomfortable doing something, don't let them bully you into doing it. You do what YOU see fit for your situation. We sometimes forget that there are human beings with real lives behind these computer screens.

I'll sometimes see people hand out advice that they themselves would never take, like, "drop your wife, she's only getting in your way!", "your father is a moron, never speak to him again", all because it's easy to project yourself through other people. What you don't have the guts to do, maybe someone else will. So, take what the online TG community sais with a grain of salt and try to form your own solid identity. When you find that you've formed your own ideals, people won't really be able to get to you anymore, which is a good and a bad thing.

Frankly, you don't tend to see the people who are crossdressers and subsequently found a happy medium within themselves on an internet forum. There is nothing for them to say. They're content. What you do TEND to see is the ranting of self loathing, depressed individuals(like myself), who hate ourselves and want to sabotage others as well. This is your own story though.

[pamela7]

I could make a stab at why you're posting this, you do have to realise what you want, how you want to live, to be. Suppressing your true identity is possible if you consider yourself for example a secret agent female spy in the male camp. However, it is a price, and there is a price also on coming out or transitioning. If I may suggest there is a minimum work you could do, like beard removal, underdressing at work, dressing at home, or dressing in female clothes without wig and makeup. People get used to this quite quickly, and you have the best of both worlds.

good luck

[Kate Simmons]

We don't need to satisfy society to be happy with ourselves my friend. The way I see it the way we define ourselves is entirely up to us. Works for me. :battingeyelashes::)

[NicoleScott]

The transgender umbrella is big. Very big. There is no right or wrong way to dress, act, or think to be under the umbrella. And it's not all or nothing. Many of us are very happy part-timers, and dress in varying degrees and different styles, as the inner drive compels.

[Pat]

Be who you are. That's where happiness lies. Transgender is a word that is supposed to describe you, not define you. You shouldn't think "I'm transgender, so I should be doing this, that or the other thing." you should be thinking "I like doing this, that or the other thing. I suppose the word that best describes me is transgender." If it turns out that the things that make you happy are just subtle nods to an inner feminine self, that's OK.

[Erica Marie]

For me being transgender is no longer about the cloths, but about the person under what ever cloths I have on at the time. I wear bits and pieces of womens cloths everyday. Would I like to present as a women, sure I would die to, but for me it is just about coming to terms with who I am. Being gender fluid is probably to easiest way to find a happy medium. Maybe one day Ill work up the guts to see a gender therapist, but till then I keep finding little ways to make sense of myself.

[sometimes_miss]

In all honesty all the work that I see some do to become the men or women that they are meant to be is so much when it comes to hair, make up and clothes and shaving and voice change and etc etc. That I sometimes feel like its so much work to be someone that I know that I truly am <snip>
If it's truly who you are, you'll just find it part of life. Men go through their day doing things men do, and women do woman things. We don't really focus on whether it's 'worth it'. We just live it. Half the population between say, 12 and 50 wake up early to do their make up and hair before they'll even dare set foot out of their house. Is it worth it? Or is it just something that you do because that's who you are and how you want to present yourself to the world?
The question also rises, what will I accomplish should I 'go through all that trouble'. What is your goal. If you just want to look pretty, can that be accomplished (not with standing Dr Ruth's running idea that everyone can be pretty and beautiful, to which I do not subscribe). If you want to be a female, what do you expect that to be like once you transition, and is that a realistic and accomplishable goal? The biggest thing we have to deal with is unrealistic expectations. Most of us won't 'pass' no matter what we do. If we transition, we will most likely be seen as a 'man in a dress' whether we do everything we can or not. We simply don't have a female body to start with, especially the voice. There have been some who were able to manage a truly female voice, but that's not the vast majority of us; most of us just wind up with a falsetto like Tony Curtis did in 'Some Like it Hot' seen here with Marilyn Monroe; would you ever confuse his voice with a womans'?. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F34Dhzluf4M

[GretchenJ]

The clothes are a great tool, but does not how I feel all of the time...so for me Pam the answer is Yes

[Caroline Ind]

I don't know what's the correct answer is but I think expressing femininity is part of being what a transgender (male to female) really mean (It goes both ways of course for the Female to Male). But that's just my point of view.

[Robin414]

Hmmm, if you were stranded on an island long enough your clothes fell apart and you had to wear palm leafs and do gross things to survive would you still feel like a woman...I think there's a similar question in the Cogiati test...I'd say yes, of course!

[Krisi]

How did you determine that you are a transgender woman?

We all have to live with what nature gave us or change it through surgery. Men want to be women, women want to be men, short people want to be tall, tall people want to be short, etc.

The question is, do you feel strongly enough about your condition to have the surgery and go through everything necessary to have a female looking body and live the rest of your life as a female? Would you be happy then?

Perhaps professional counseling would be something you should consider.

BTW: Makeup and clothes does not make one a woman.

[mikeyp]

Yup.

Most likely, if you feel strongly enough that you're a woman, you'll have no problem presenting yourself as such like some here do(which I admire).

If you're like me though and identify as a man, but want to wear what women wear, it's all about how strong the desire is. Do I want to go out in a club dress with 6 inch heels on a Friday night? Yes. Do I want to do this bad enough that I have to? Nope. I just manage to live without it. To me, it's no different than being envious on another person's life. You see them driving a nice car, trophy wife, huge wallet, etc. You want so badly to have what they have, but you have to play the hand you were dealt. This is why I don't like to call it "gender dysphoria" in my case. It's just envy. I envy women and want to be and look like them, but I can realistically only do so much to do this. Is it worth it? Or can I live a happy life through other path ways? I'd like to believe I could.

[Stephanie47]

I see no reason why a person cannot present oneself as either a man or a woman depending upon the state of mind at any particular time. I am very content being a male. If I was not a male I would not mind at all being a woman. Most days I feel totally calm and serene wearing a pair of cutoff shorts, barefooted and wearing a ratty holey tee shirt my wife hates. And shaving every third day. Then there are times wear Stephanie appears for a day or longer. Then the comfort comes from wearing that pretty dress, heels and hosiery, proper undergarments and wig. I tried the under dressing and it does not work for me. It makes me feel as if I am cheating one or the other of my dual personalities. Stephanie: "Why are you making me wear boy clothes?" Her brother: "What's with this bit of wearing a bra and panty?"

[Jennypowers]

The vibe I feel from your post is one of confusion. I've been there but not about dressing. I've always been a loner about how I feel and think so I tend to bottle things up a lot. With the help of my wife and kids I've learned to express my feelings more then I ever have before. I really can't tell you how much it has helped me be a better person. I guess what I'm saying is don't follow my path, express yourself as much as you can.

[Jazzy Jaz]

Yuppers! The question is whether or not you can be happy with that.

[Tina_gm]

A far out hypothetical- but let's say you are in a foreign 3rd world country. Something goes down and they blame the westerner, or think somehow its you just because. Even if you are dressed, but they throw you in jail and throw away the key. They are not going to care one bit how you were dressed at the time. To them, you are male and going into the male prison. No feminine presentation or expression whatsoever from now on till the end of your life. Is THAT going to change who you are inside?

Anyone can wear the clothes.... It is what is inside that makes someone transgender. It is what those clothes do for the person, why they are wearing them in the 1st place, and how they feel when they are not able to express themselves. There have been some TS who never CDed until they started their transition. They just knew they were women on the inside. How many of us have repressed, purged, gone years without, and maybe even convinced ourselves we got rid of the desires and the feelings? Then one day it comes back again, and we realize that it never went away. It just went dormant.

[LilSissyStevie]

The clothing is only symbols to me. I mostly live my "gender" in my mind and clothing is just one way I can express it outwardly. I've gone long periods (years) without CDing and if I never do again it won't bother me too much. But the gender squirrel cage in my mind is always turning.

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

The biggest event of my life this year was the acceptance of myself as a gender fluid TG, yet out of a commitment to my wife and family I choose to live life without dressing as a woman. To manage those moments of dysphoria I engage in activities online as Bridget just to have that sense of identity. It's a strange way to express my feminine identity, but it works for me.

The important thing for you now that you've accepted yourself as TG is to find a way to express it that is comfortable for you. If underdressing satisfies your needs then stick with that. If it's going full en femme on the weekends then try that. Take time to explore and experiment. As many have said, there's no one way to be trans. The key is to not suppress or deny your identity. Find your own path and it will lead to happiness.

Bridget

[Katey888]

Transgender is a word that is supposed to describe you, not define you. You shouldn't think "I'm transgender, so I should be doing this, that or the other thing." you should be thinking "I like doing this, that or the other thing. I suppose the word that best describes me is transgender."

Being someone who fervently likes good definitions and simplicity in language, I really wish I could have written this. :clap: This is what more people should be grasping here. Nicole's earlier assertion that TG is a large 'receptacle' definition also fits with this.

Pam - you seem very confused, not least that falling under the TG description has no relationship to an individuals need or desire to transition, either socially or physiologically. I consider that I fall under the TG parasol, am a 98% presenting male, and will likely never go further than I do today. You seem to accept that finding a balance is the most harmonious way to be, for those of us whose gender compass wobbles between two opposing cardinal points, but you struggle with how best to achieve that... :hugs:

Give it time - and some thought as to how you 'feel' you should be, and how 'out' you are prepared to be, and move towards what you need and want slowly, and carefully... You may eventually end up in a happy, harmonious place. :)

KEEP CALM & CARRY ON!

Katey x

[Tracii G]

I'm happy with gender fluid because it works for me.
You can be whatever you want to be.