HRT = Rollercoaster?

[dreamer_2.0]

A morning rant, sorry for complaining. It's been a frustrating morning staring in the mirror.

I've heard HRT often compared to riding a rollercoaster with all the physical and emotional changes. May I ask how accurate this comparison is? Obviously it's not a literal comparison, but is HRT really supposed to be a wild ride for us? Is it actually HRT that sets you on this ride or is it more from your actions in other parts of your transition (coming out, going full time, surgeries, etc)?

I'm approaching 16 months since starting HRT and, as previously mentioned, it's been a very dull experience. Month 15 seems identical to month 10 and month 6 and month 3. When I see others about to start HRT they're often cheered on and told how much life will change, like a light-switch in their brain has suddenly flicked on. They're told to buckle up and hold on for the ride.

When I'm reading or hearing these statements, I try hard to bite my tongue and avoid saying the person in question should also be prepared for nothing.

HRT hasn't been a complete miss for me, but pretty close. There have been some slight changes like softer skin, moods are a bit better, I do have A-cup boobs. But that's about it. Facial changes are minimal at best, several people have commented that they never would have guessed I was taking hormones.

When considering our mileage varies by individual, I feel like I hit my peak months ago. This is very disconcerting.

Since switching from pills to patches, there's been no discernible difference beyond learning patches are annoying. It's silly to think these are a long term solution for administering hormones.

The biggest changes have come not from HRT but from my own actions like letting my hair grow and getting laser. Which makes me wonder what is the point of HRT when the real changes come from our actions.

My estrogen levels have admittedly been low despite a fairly high dose making me wonder if my body simply doesn't respond. If that's the case then that fuels internal doubt, of which I have aplenty. Maybe my body isn't meant to be on estrogen. This leads to, if my body doesn't respond then maybe I'm not actually trans? Doubt leads to more doubt.

My GD has increased again over the months and I'm admittedly losing faith in transition. I understand problems before transition will remain after transition unless I take action on them. I'm not referring to those problems however. I'm referring to transition itself and have come to belief that, to me, transition is a lot like religion. Lots of promises, no substance. Dark thoughts are rising up again my mind...

I would never compare HRT to a rollercoaster. I'd say it's more akin to those moving sidewalks in airports; the slow ones you could simply walk faster than.

HRT = Rollercoaster? BS.

[Nigella]

To answer the HRT = Rollercoaster, I'm with you on this one, I guess that because the dosages started low, and were built up to the level they are at now on a fairly gradual curve, there was no highs and lows, with the exception of when I came off them for surgery.

My E levels were also low, until after surgery, but that was due to the lack of AA's being taken. Have you spoken to your endo regarding the low levels? How long since you changed from oral to patch? Oral dosages are notably higher due to the need to compensate for the liver filtering out some of the E.

I think you also need to discuss your transition with your therapist to ascertain why you may be losing faith, it could be something as simple as the expectations do not match the reality.

[dreamer_2.0]

Thanks for your input, Nigella.

My endo is aware of the low levels and feels my liver eliminated the E too efficiently. He asked if I was a drinker as that may explain my liver working so much, I said no but I do eat copious amounts of fast food but I'm not sure that would have much effect either way.

He switched me to patches close to two months ago, haven't gotten my levels checked again since the switch.

Next session with my therapist is in a week or two; not nearly soon enough, but I'm thankful to have a therapist at least.

It's true, expectations may not match reality. I've never expected HRT to transform me into some hot voluptuous sexy goddess (though I'd be lying if I said I never wished for that). I'm searching for, hoping for, a level of comfort. I'm searching for authenticity where I can be myself and not have to lie about or hide behind my masculinity. I guess you could say I'm searching for life and to get away from those dark thoughts similar to Anne's recent "I want out..." thread.

[Nigella]

The level of comfort you seek is actually within yourself. What clouds things is what "baggage" you carry and how hard you are willing to work to get around the barriers you put in place.

Have you noticed there are a lot of YOU's there are in just that one statement? The whole transition process is all about moving forward to a point where you can live your life without thinking about living your life. There is no race, it is certainly not a sprint, just a marathon. Personally I took each step forward only after carefully considering the impact of completing that step, both good and bad, but after accepting that there were rewards and risks I took that step.

Take your time, consider where you are now and where you want to be, but do it at a level you feel comfortable, but always remember, you control the journey, don't let the journey control you. :hugs:

[dreamer_2.0]

I'm interpreting all that as a friendly kick in the ass. Those are needed.

[Nigella]

Beats a :bigsmack:

I can only respond to what I read with your :strugglin, but if my little :kickbutt: stops you :beatup: yourself, then it was worth it :)

[Angela Campbell]

Many of us have said that hrt was at best one of those"YMMV" kind of things. Yes I did get a bit of an emotional wake up, and some physical reactions, but some don't. It simply cannot be the end all ...take them and become a girl. Nope. Doesn't happen that way, especially when done later in life.

[Eryn]

I've found HRT to be very subtle. The overall effect has been a sense of calm, a sort of blurring of my mental sharp edges. I'm not as aggressive, and my mood highs and lows are moderated.

Physically, I've had good results for someone my age six months in. A little breast and hip growth and loss of upper body muscle bulk. I'm really happy that my face is filling out and some deep wrinkles are much less prominent.

[LeaP]

I don't think HRT is a roller coaster. I don't know how many of the experiences we read are real, either. To really be in a position to evaluate the effects of the different medications requires you to have taken them independently for a significant length of time. Very few qualify. I have partial experience with this as I took anti-androgens for a couple of months before I started estradiol. I started antidepressants about 10 months (I think) or so prior to that. I had never taken either before. Both the ADs as well as the androgen blockers produced fairly quick and fairly dramatic results. Still no roller coaster, though. These were one-way trips away from the edge of cliffs. The effects of estradiol were only apparent over a couple of years. Very real, but very subtle.

Aside from the emotional high, or placebo effect boost most get when starting, I don't know anyone in the real world personally who would describe HRT as a roller coaster, At least psychologically and taking them normally (as opposed to starting and stopping). There might be a bit of an emotional roller coaster because it is something that is always on your mind, that you are always watching, where there are such expectations. But if you divorce that kind of emotional volatility from the actual psychological effects of the medications, volatility is not that much of an issue. … That is, unless you are not suited to them! I really only have my therapists testimony directly for this, but from her description people who should not take cross sex hormones find them profoundly upsetting and anxiety producing.

[Tiff]

I visited my doctor a couple of months ago and told him I am trans, and I am going to be going back to see him again as soon as I get a break from work, this month. As I get older I am dressing at every opportunity, all the time at home and I get very depressed when I have to take it off in a morning and put mens clothes on for work. I have been seriously considering everything lately, and have been reading posts about HRT, and the reason for this post ( it was a long way around ) is to say thank you all so much for threads like this as I can learn so much about what to expect. My ignorance is huge about HRT. I just want to be female, it is just overwhelming. Am frightened to death of losing my job because of it, hence no income and also my parents reactions. This turmoil is very common with trans people, as I have read.

[Michelle789]

I completely agree with OP that HRT is a roller coaster ride, and with Nigella that how much "baggage" affects how extreme the highs and lows are.

By baggage, this could mean either


1. Male baggage
a. Male facial or physical features
b. Male voice and way of talking
c. Male mannerisms and way of walking
d. Male behavior that needs to be unlearned

2. Emotional baggage
a. Stuff from childhood or family
b. Limiting beliefs about yourself
c. Finding balance between the extremes of extreme negativism (I'll never be this, always be that) and extreme positivism (I can look like a model in 30 days). Understanding that while we have restrictions placed upon us and there are things that are not achievable, things that are achievable but only with hard work and patience, and changes that will come easy, we also have beliefs about ourselves that limit us to who and what we can be.
d. Many of these limiting beliefs are imposed on us by our families, society, teachers, kids in school, bosses, co-workers, peers, and our own minds
e. The truth is we can accomplish, or be, way more than we think we can, but we have to break down old thinking patterns and break down emotional blockage.

Example of 2c: I am a computer programmer and I think logically. I cannot hide this fact about myself. It will be pretty damn difficult if not impossible to eliminate a part of my thinking that has always been a part of me. I have to accept the reality that I will always be able to think logically. This is a realistic fact about myself. For me to say that I will forget how to think logically is rather unrealistic.

Now there is also a stereotype in our culture that computer programmers and people who think logically cannot feel emotion as deeply as those who lack logical thinking, and that we have poor interpersonal skills. I am learning that this is a limiting belief that has been imposed on me by society, my family, and people who have reinforced this idea in my past. The reality is that I can definitely be emotional, have empathy, express emotion, show warmth, and have good people skills. People who knew me as a male questioned whether or not I had people skills (many also thought I was gay). This limiting belief has caused me much emotional grief in transition, and may be in fact both emotional and male baggage. But HRT is helping me to become more in touch with my feelings, to express feelings and emotion, and to cry more often (WAY more often sometimes). As I live authentically and spend time on HRT,my people skills are drastically improving that most people think I'm crazy when I tell them that I think I have poor people skills or have low empathy. So the truth is that I may end up thinking with both sides of my brain, and be good both logically and emotionally, and be a good programmer and a good people person. Actually, in many cultures outside the USA, people tend to be more multi-dimensional. I think Americans tend to take reinforcing binary thinking and attitudes a step further than most other cultures do, and in America we tend to believe that you can only be good at one or the other, but never both.


The above is an example of differentiating the two extremes.

[LeaP]

Michelle, you misunderstood the OP.

[Frances]

No rollercoaster for me. It always felt right. I was already an emotional person, and was not more so on HRT.

[Sandra1746]

Hi,
Just my $0.02, and worth every penny.
HRT, and the reactions to it, are very individual. Some it hits like a "ton of bricks" and others more like a warm breeze. I never noticed much effect, aside from declining T-values, but my wife quickly noticed a more mellow and relaxed mood. If anything got her onboard with my transition, that was it. She freely admits that she does NOT want the "old me" back. The doctors have to tell you about the worst-case reactions but those are really pretty rare. Example, peanut butter is fatal to some, but very few. The warnings can be scary but with proper medical supervision you should do just fine.

Good luck and best wishes,
Sandra1746

[Jennifer-GWN]

Hmmm ... Rollercoaster. Ramping up and stabilization for me was a bit of a ride. Started on injections back in February with a very low dose which I knew was far to little to be sustaining given shots every 2 weeks. My dr, very conservative, wanted to go slow, so I went slow. After a short period lasting the first allotment she asked how I was doing and my immediate response was great...for the first few days...ok...for the next few days. And shit for the next week. So with that I asked to both double the dose and inject weekly. I've been there now since that change. Happy, stablized, and good. Still taking much less then I'd expect however emotionally I'm good and blood tests indicating I'm in proper hormonal range.

The emotional rollercoaster of hormonal ups and downs due to dosages and 1/2 life not good for me. When I was down I wasn't fit to operate a vechile. Loud sudden noise and I growled... Basically a modified version of my male angry aggressive and pig headed self. It wasn't pretty.

Am I emotional today yes in a very feminine way. Sappy about many things and very sentimental. Calm overall and the anger and aggression gone while maintaining my drive for results and focus at work. A nice balance.

From a results perspective I certainly know that my face is increasingly getting more sensitive by the day given my reaction to electro lately. Other physical characteristics developed as expected.

That's been my experience Holly. Hope that helps.

Cheers... Jennifer

[Badtranny]

It's been a frustrating morning staring in the mirror. .

I remember those days. HRT did very little for me physically. VERY little. I will give it credit for reversing my thinning hair, but I must add that it was JUST beginning to thin and I had more of an obvious male hairline, than significant thinning yet.

The most important thing it did for me was calm down my weird anxiety, and eliminate the sporadic fits of rage. I don't think testosterone was very good for my system.

I guess it had some positive effect on my skin as well, but the shape of my body is pretty much all Made in Mexico. In fact, I think the only thing natural left on my body is my penis. :-)

[Contessa]

I feel the need to agree with Eryn. I should be adding something like a feeling of contentment but I lack having a female companion to share it all with. Thanks Eryn for explaining it to a great degree.

Tess

[Debb]

I've only been on HRT three months, but inside of two weeks, I felt more peaceful than I've ever felt before. That peaceful feeling hasn't disappeared although there are days when it's a little less. If this is a rollercoaster, it'd be the little kids' variety; gentle, and you can see the next adjustment coming. No surprises.

Physically there's been nothing, but it's early days. I really don't care about the physical aspect; that peaceful feeling is what I'm after.


Rollercoaster?

I would say life before HRT was a rollercoaster, then everything calmed down and I felt normal.
Transition became easier when the hormones kicked in because I felt right inside.
Only way I can describe it is that the HRT stabalised me, I no longer felt at war with myself.

It's always possible that if HRT makes things worse for someone, then they may not be TS.

+1

This is exactly it. I am more stable now, and I was paying attention because my greatest fear was that I would experience a worsening which would signal I was on the wrong path.

[Karolyn]

I have read multiple times that hormones are overrated. They do have some effect, but they do not magically make you a girl. I know people in real-life thinking this way, and it does not work great. A lot of the feminization comes from yourself. Right now, in the morning and before I wear makeup, I still look like a guy, just with smoother skin and AA breast. I started 7 months ago. But when I do the makeup and hair, which is more than 7 months of daily practice, I become Karolyn. Since I am a girl inside, I don't want people to see me in the morning, so they see the girl only. The expression is a huge contributor: posture, manners, and most importantly, confidence. What helped me a lot during the first few weeks was mostly a placebo effect. I was presenting female full-time almost at the same time I started HRT. That happiness is what drove me to where I am now.

Now for the emotional rollercoaster. I actually had nothing happening for 6 months, just overall happiness. But then I started progesterone. After 4 weeks, I was a wreck. My dysphoria woke up badly. I had to stop. I have stopped P, and now I'm feeling what a lot of people get, crying much more easily. I make sometimes a big deal out of little details, just because I was emotionally attached to them. I can cry for hours in a row. I take bad decisions recently because my emotions drive them rather than logic. That is a rollercoaster at times, I go from happy to sad in seconds sometimes.

[Megan Thomas]

HRT was a rollercoaster for me but only because it took a long time to titrate the dose to where it should be. When my E level was too high I was an emotional wreck capable of, and often, crying over just about the silliest thing. When I started HRT I noticed a lot of changes, most notable initially was a positive (peaceful) state of mind and changes to my skin. For a few weeks I endured a lot of spots (zits) on my face, much like a teenager, and it was as if my skin was cleansing itself as it changed. Thereafter, and now some 3 years later, I've seen the changes many hope for, such as breast development and redistribution of fat to typically female areas such as the hips and butt - all to varying degrees of satisfaction. Everything has pretty much stabilised now and for someone in their mid-fifties I consider the changes pretty good, all things considered.

I want to add that when I saw my therapist and we discussed the effect of HRT in the early days (1st six months) they took the view that the better emotional state of mind was an affirming indicator that transition was right for me. Subsequent use of an AA and its effects further affirmed it. Please don't read that as a general rule of thumb because everyone is different and some therapists don't hold the same views as my own therapist.

Hope this is of some help...

[dreamer_2.0]

Wow...just typed a massive reply to everyone and lost everything. That's a little frustrating....

I'll leave a couple comments for now but I'm late for work. Blast!!


That's been my experience Holly. Hope that helps.


Thank you for your input, Jennifer....and for remembering my name! ;)


I visited my doctor a couple of months ago and told him I am trans, and I am going to be going back to see him again as soon as I get a break from work, this month. As I get older I am dressing at every opportunity, all the time at home and I get very depressed when I have to take it off in a morning and put mens clothes on for work. I have been seriously considering everything lately, and have been reading posts about HRT, and the reason for this post ( it was a long way around ) is to say thank you all so much for threads like this as I can learn so much about what to expect. My ignorance is huge about HRT. I just want to be female, it is just overwhelming. Am frightened to death of losing my job because of it, hence no income and also my parents reactions. This turmoil is very common with trans people, as I have read.

Thank you for commenting, Tiff. I hope my post doesn't deter you from seeking help. HRT has been very subtle but I can say with much certainty that it has helped me feel better, even if it's tough to put my finger on exactly how. What I hope you do take from my post is that, many people online put so much faith in HRT and share outrageous stories about the changes they've experienced. It's possible some of these are legitimate, but it's also possible they're not. I really want to get the message across that HRT can potentially be a very very slow subtle experience. If you watch transition timeline videos on youtube, many of them are extremely dramatic, don't expect the same results for you. It may happen, yes...but there's absolutely no guarantee. Regardless, do not let any of this deter you from getting help. I understand the fear of coming out at work and with your friends and family as I'm in the process of doing that myself. I've been extremely fortunate in that the responses I've received so far have been very positive. There's only been two negative responses, an old ex-girlfriend who is no longer in my life so it doesn't matter, and one of my sisters. The latter is quite a sting since it's family but the rest of my family is amazingly supportive, a HUGE and wonderful surprise. I'm also out to several people at work and everyone is completely supportive! It's an incredible feeling of relief to be out to someone and not need to hide or lie about who you are anymore to them. Admittedly I'm petrified at coming out completely to everyone but I have to stop letting fear control my life, as do you. Easier said than done, I know. Don't ask me how to do this as I'm still working on it myself and frankly I suck....but am getting better. At this rate I'll be full time and approved for SRS by the time I'm 83...I'm currently 33. One thing to look forward to with this is that I won't have to be concerned about Badtranny questioning my authenticity. *snicker* (I am so just joking around, please don't hurt me).

[Kimberly Kael]

As you stated I found the impact to be subtle but I'd never describe it as unwelcome or something I'd want to live without. I find myself much more caught up in emotions, with the exception of anger which is more frustration that white hot fury under the influence of my new hormonal balance. Everyone reacts a little differently and physical changes are unpredictable but generally limited.

I wonder if some don't experience HRT as a roller coaster because they're not used to experiencing emotions quite as deeply while simultaneously coping with all the typical social and economic stresses of transition.

[becky77]

Rollercoaster?

I would say life before HRT was a rollercoaster, then everything calmed down and I felt normal.
Transition became easier when the hormones kicked in because I felt right inside.
Only way I can describe it is that the HRT stabalised me, I no longer felt at war with myself.

It's always possible that if HRT makes things worse for someone, then they may not be TS.

[STACY B]

Becky you took the words right outta my mouth,, HRT is some SWEET STUFF for sure,, Made me Happy and want to wake up everyday,, If you don't believe me you can call home and ask my Wife,,,lol,,, Roller coaster,,, No Flat as Flat can get here,, Sorry,,,

[Aprilrain]

Transition has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride for me. Surgeries have done more to throw me off balance than HRT has.

[GabbiSophia]

to be honest hrt has not been a roller coaster ... life without them has been. I think that is the point f the hormones. When I started hormones it took a month to get right but after that I felt "normal" for what it is worth. I could function again which was a huge deal to me. Since then the hormones have been almost a normality for me. Other than the last day before I am due to change the patch I am cool. When it comes to that day I realy realy need need to double my sscripts.

[Tiff]

Thank you for your response Dreamer_Grl, I can relate to much of what you are saying. The most truthful, amongst the other truths you said, was when you posted ` It's an incredible feeling of relief to be out to someone and not need to hide or lie about who you are anymore to them`. I am 49 years old, and had gender dysphoria since I was about 7 years old. As Ive got older it has gone stronger. This year I have been so upset with the hiding my clothes and shoes and having to act like a man all the time that I have told my Doctor about it ( the first time Ive ever told anyone, apart from one of my exes ). I have also told the Ladies at a shop where I buy clothes and Shoes from. You know what, Ladies are wonderful, they never seem to mind that I am Trans, they love it. It is men that I dont want to tell. I have no fear of telling Women about it, oh, I also told the Lady next door whom is a good friend, and She is fine with it, as though its nothing. I am slowly coming out to people. I so look forward to meeting the Ladies I buy clothes off, when I visit each week,I can be myself for the first time all week with other people when I am there. The reason I post this in this thread is because, I have been dressing and practising make-up properly for a long time, and I need my skin to be softer on my face to make the make-up look even better, in order to progress further, and HRT is the thing. ( not related to this post but I bought some diamond earring studs today, not real diamonds, and they are beautiful, so I must go back to the mirror now hehe )

[dreamer_2.0]

Lots of informative replies from everyone, thank you. :) Something I found interesting with a few of you was that you described the time before HRT as being the rollercoaster, and that HRT is what stabilized it. This seems like a much more accurate description. I wouldn't say I was overly emotional prior to HRT, but I was consistently depressed and pissed off at the universe with an abundance of dark thoughts. This has all stabilized with HRT. Things aren't perfect and may never be, but despite the subtlety of HRT, I do know I feel better. Which leads me to Frances's comment.


No rollercoaster for me. It always felt right.

This really speaks to me. Yes, I complain about how slow and uneventful HRT has been so far, it's difficult to really put my finger on exactly what is different. But whatever the changes have been, subtle or not, they've all felt...right. What ever "right" means. I know that I definitely do not feel worse with HRT, the depression is lifting, the anxiety is fading, the GD is...well, we're still working on that part.

Going back to Nigella's early comment, perhaps I need to manage expectations versus reality a bit more. After reading and hearing about all these magical pills (or patches or injections), I believe I was too naive and expected HRT to be much more dramatic like a huge eyeopening kick in the booty. Perhaps it's been this way for some but I'm not one of the lucky ones. That said, I need to focus on areas where I am lucky, like my support net as many of us don't even have that.

Thank you for your input everyone, please continue to share if you have any comments. :)

[Badtranny]

Going back to Nigella's early comment, perhaps I need to manage expectations versus reality a bit more. After reading and hearing about all these magical pills (or patches or injections), I believe I was too naive and expected HRT to be much more dramatic like a huge eyeopening kick in the booty.

...and that's exactly why a bunch of us are trying so hard to make this place reflect reality rather than fantasies. We don't want people expecting big changes from HRT, we want them to expect what's actually gonna happen; and we won't know what that will be until it does.

[Christina Kay]

Melissa wish there was a like button for your post. Thank you for the reality checks:)
Christina

[JohnH]

...and that's exactly why a bunch of us are trying so hard to make this place reflect reality rather than fantasies. We don't want people expecting big changes from HRT, we want them to expect what's actually gonna happen; and we won't know what that will be until it does.

I agree with that observation. The effects of HRT are very slow. The main thing I am getting out of HRT is calmness and stability. Gone are depression and thoughts of suicide. So in my case I am no longer on a roller coaster by the grace of God.

I do welcome the long term effects, and I must emphasize the description of ¨long term¨. My D cup breasts did not appear overnight - rather, like a pubescent teenage girl it has taken years along with continued breast growth pains. And that´s happened only due to my genetic background - my paternal grandmother had enormous breasts.

Melissa, I appreciate your contributions to this forum. We may have differences of opinion, but that´s human nature.

Johanna

[karenpayneoregon]

Hi,

No roller-coaster for me but have gone through gradual changes over time where after just about two years and gender reassignment surgery I have no dramatic up/downs, any emotions are not uncalled for e.g. crying while watching a chick flic. When I taught before HRT and now there is no difference in how I treat students where I can't go into what I teach as it's not permitted by the site rules so mums the word.