I think I'm a transexual and I don't know where to go from here.

[mikeyp]

I've been under a lot of stress lately. A LOT. I've even considered suicide quite a few times because of this intense erotic desire I have coupled with shame from CDing. On the outside, I'm a good looking 22 year old male. On the inside, my sexuality is tearing me to absolute pieces.

Out of loneliness last year I decided to buy myself a pair of panties. I was strangely attracted to these. I sooner found forced fem stories and instantly became hooked. I bought tutus, a dress, a bra, things, panties, not really a complete outfit but just stuff to wear. 6 months later I started to feel weird. Out of nowhere this deep anxiety hit me and life was never the same. All I can think about now is women's clothes. I want to emulate everything about women. I want to wear that tight, short dress. Those form-fitting pants and walk just like them. I just want to be in every way as graceful as they are. This obsession has literally taken over every single part of my psyche and it won't go away.

In public I become EXTREMELY aroused when I see a fit, attractive girl, to the point where I become uncomfortable with myself. I just want to be her so badly that I feel like I just want to take off my clothes right then and there and put on hers. I never thought in a million years this would be me, but here I am, extremely ashamed. It feels like I've built this castle up over all these years and now it's all falling dow right before my eyes. I'm losing my sense of identity. My composure. My goals. Everything, just to satisfy this erotic desire that I feel. I'd love to walk around the mall extremely aroused, dressed up to the nines to feed this, but the grip becomes stronger by the day.

The anxiety literally pains me. Here I am, this good looking guy, who wants SO badly to just be a girl. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed at the "need" I feel to wear pink panties under my clothes. It just isn't enough though. I want the whole wardrobe. If my friends saw me like this, i'd surely kill myself. I have no insurance. No money. No job. Live at home. I just want to run away and start a new life, attempting to blend in with the girls. I've even started to fetishize my own denial. My denial completely turns me on!!

Someone help me. This is all new. I want to live a normal life. I want this sex drive to be gone immediately, just for a little while so I can clear my head and not live in this erotic fantasy that I feel. I also have STRONG obsessive compulsive disorder. I'm not sure if the CDing triggered my OCD, or if the OCD and shame I feel around this triggered my CDing. Do you see my dilemma? All of these years living a somewhat "normal" life all coming to an end.

[Nadine Spirit]

I have actually thought about you a bit lately and have been thinking that you really need to seek out some professional help. You know someone that could help you figure all of this stuff out. You seem really confused and more than a bit lost abput all of this. For your own help, please find a way. Maybe you could discuss with your parents about wanting to see a counselor, being as it seems you are still at home. You are kind of all over the place and you are probably not going to get the kind of help you need from a message board.

[mikeyp]

I would nadine, but I literally feel incapacitated. These urges are taking over every part of me. I guess it isn't so easy to explain. I feel sicker and sicker every single day.

[AllieSF]

I will second the recommendation for some qualified professional help. Qualified = experience with transgender individuals. Sometimes when we find something new we go overboard, especially those that go overboard on a lot of things and then eventually lose interest or the intense drive to do whatever goes down. The same can happen when exploring our gender relationship/being with our self. A good therapist can help you sort out your feelings and get a better handle on yourself. Well worth the effort, cost and time.

PS: Just read your reply to Nadine. If you have enough energy to reply here, you have enough energy to search for therapist help near you. No denials, just make the decision and take another step forward to find one and call one. Those strong thoughts of yours need to be dealt with soon.

[mikeyp]

Yeah Allie. This is all just so much being bombarded onto me at one time. On one hand I think I'm homosexual. On the other hand transexual. I need to see a therapist asap. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this, especially alone. I wish I had something that could calm me and take me away from all of this for a little while. I feel like I'm finally coming to the end of the rainbow and everything is exploding in my face finally.

I just want to be able to enjoy what's left of my life. I'm now into genres of pornography that didn't at ALL interest me from the start.

[AllieSF]

Just take care of yourself and realize that maybe the porn is only a temporary side activity. No shame in being gay, trans or whatever. maybe a few issues with others, especially those closest to you. As long as you like waking up and seeing the sun or the rain, keep working on continuing to do just that. If you ever tried to find the end of that rainbow you will know that there is no end, just pretty colors in a wonderful arc across the skies on a sunny and rainy day. Keep talking here, call some friends and tell them to be nice to you. You do not have to say why, just that you are fighting some internal issues and need someone close by to hug or talk to, about anything, when needed. Most people want to help and those with the troubles have extreme difficulty asking for help when they most need it. So, in this case you need to take those initial first steps. Help works, go for it.

[mikeyp]

I don't know how exactly to explain it, but there's this side of my brain that just ITCHES if I don't feed into my porn addiction right then and there. I feel like a monster who is unable to control his urges. I NEED the porn to make me feel good. I used to be able to get off to "normal" things. I've tried it. It literally makes me feel like I'm in pain when I can't feed my desires right then and there. I can't even sit in my work uniform for more than 4 hours without feeling the NEED to dress in women's clothing and watch porn.

This can't be healthy. I haven't kept up with my friends much since getting into this stuff. I've pretty much avoided all social contact and dropped school/my job just so I could pleasure myself when I felt the need. I can't even sleep without feeling aroused. It feels like I'm an addict that needs his fix to feel good, but after I get my 5 minute fix, it only digs me farther down the hole.

My older therapist recommended stopping the porn just for awhile to clear my head. She said I should do pushups or exhaust myself when I felt the urge come on me.
Idk though. I guess I see that she wasn't kidding now.

[Tracii G]

I don't know what your parents are like but I would speak to my Mom first and tell her what is going on.
If they have the means financially please see a gender therapist as soon as possible.
Just because you want to be female doesn't mean you are gay.
OCD is awful I know but please just because you like something doesn't mean it has to control your life seek some balance.
Lastly don't even think about suicide please. Think what that will do to your parents and what friends you have.
Life isn't perfect and actually its pretty darn hard for most of us so its not just you having hard times dealing with this we all are.

At least you are aware you have a problem and thats a start.
I am an ex drug addict so I can understand somewhat.

[mikeyp]

I've heard that all my life tracii. I've NEVER been obtain balance in anything. Everything I've ever enjoyed has consumed me one way or another. This time, the activity which I enjoy makes me feel SO good. I can't even live without it for 2 hours. My life was 50x better when I wasn't masturbating at all though, which leads me to believe I CAN live without it, but my anxiety tells me no. The anxiety is that which arouses me. I'm FREAKED out

[Tracii G]

Sounds a lot like an addictive personality thing to me on top of your OCD.
I'm sure you have heard it all and when people try to help you choose not to listen to them or your better sense.
An addict can only be helped if they want help and you sound like you want help so see a therapist that deals with gender issues.
Kicking a habit is hard and I mean real hard but its up to you to do it.

[Robin414]

Don't take this the wrong way but PLEASE find a gender therapist hon, I've seen one myself and she WILL help you figure this out! Keep posting, I'm (like everyone here) concerned about you!

[mikeyp]

I really appreciate it robin. I'm going to see a gender therapist as soon as I can. I really do think that the porn addiction isn't helping my plight though. I've gotten into things that I wasn't into in the beginning, purely because of the shock and anxiety value. I wish I could stop, but I don't feel like I can.

[Robin414]

Your going to be OK, don't lose focus of that FACT! You have several thousand friends here and with the professional help of a trained phsycologist your going to be just fine ☺

[Vickie_CDTV]

It sounds more like OCD than transsexualism (the often repeated myth in the trans community that all who dress are really transsexuals does not help.)

You really need to seek out professional help for the OCD, unfortunately no one but a professional can diagnose you and give you an appropriate treatment. Don't feel guilty about being a sexual being, like any behavior it can be taken to an unhealthy extreme when mental illness is present.

I know many in this country do not have access to health care, I understand it can be difficult to obtain treatment, but I would do what you can to at least get a diagnosis. If your mother is willing to help, you can alwyas talk with her about the OCD and leave the dressing out if you are more comfortable with that.

[mikeyp]

I guess it's good that I can tell my mom literally anything. I told her that I was extremely distressed and wear female clothing in private and she didn't really bat an eye. She was just like, "can you show me the panties?" which was awkward as crap.

Yeah though, I used to look at all of these websites to see what was "wrong" with me and most said I was likely a transexual so I just rolled with it. I then became really stressed and more stress led to a cycle of more CDing and more pornography.

[Lyla]

Have you tried talking to the younger TSs on here that recently transistioned? I would be beneficial to you to get some first hand knowledge and some starting points for you and your journey to self discovery. As other have suggested it would be in your best interest to see a gender therapist.

And remember you are you, not anyone else. You can not put a square peg through a circular hole, but also not all squares or circles are the same size. Also don't feel rushed to jump off the deep end, take time to look at your self and those around you.

[chinabrown]

go to a LGBTQ center are to TRIESS to seek counseling.

[Valery L]

You are not transsexual if that makes you feel better. The feelings that make transsexuals unhappy, anxious and depressed are normally associated with a disconnection between their inner self and their physical body, it is not about clothes. Typically, transsexuals are not motivated by arousal and erotic sensations or behaviours that are more typical in paraphilias, their internal necessity is something much deeper. In contrast, the erotic component is fairly common in crossdressers, in some of them more accentuated than others, in some crossdressers it does not exist at all or has decreased with the pass of time, but in others it is even a strong fetish. In my case, crossdressing is almost exclusively about sexual gratification, nothing turns me on more than that, and without it I think crossdressing would be meaningless to me. And I am sure that it is not something bad, I do not feel shame at all, and I am not obsessed with that, it does not interfere in my daily activities, even when I think about it many times during the day. In your case, I assume it is something similar but out of control, you said that you have always had problems with the activities that you enjoy, if they tend to become easily addictive or something like that, I think it is due to some psychological or psychiatric disorder. Therefore, in my opinion your problem is not crossdressing nor transsexualism, the real cause is some disorder, and of course it might be related with your OCD. But do not worry, as soon as you receive psychological and/or medical attention I am sure that you will be fine, you will not get rid of your crossdressing fetish but you will begin to enjoy it without the anxiety and obsession that worries you now. My best wishes to you.

[pamela7]

sounds like a sex-addict with a fetish CD aspect, albeit masturbatory rather than couples sex. There are sex-addict anonymous groups, might be a cheaper alternative in this case.

[Krisi]

I am not a big fan of therapists, psychiatrists and the like, but in your case, if you can't get your feelings under control with plain old "willpower", there's nothing else to suggest but professional help. Good luck.

[JamieTG]

Mikeyp I honestly don't think you are a TS. We all wish we could look like these hot looking girls and we envy them. And a lot of us feel shame and self loathing because we are this way. I've always had a panty fetish and when I was growing up, I felt that this fetish made me sick, weird, and a pervert. It really affected my self esteem in a negative way. This fetish does not define you. It does not make you a bad person. Please do some research on shame and low self esteem. Good luck.

[ReineD]

The feelings that make transsexuals unhappy, anxious and depressed are normally associated with a disconnection between their inner self and their physical body, it is not about clothes. Typically, transsexuals are not motivated by arousal and erotic sensations or behaviours that are more typical in paraphilias, their internal necessity is something much deeper. In contrast, the erotic component is fairly common in crossdressers, in some of them more accentuated than others, in some crossdressers it does not exist at all or has decreased with the pass of time, but in others it is even a strong fetish.

This.

I urge you to start exploring ways you can help yourself, whether it is starting to look for self-help online on sites that provide resources for sexual compulsions, talking to a professional, or preferably, both.

[mikeyp]

Thanks Reine. I'm not going to lie, over the past year, I got into this erotica online which seemed to amplify my fetish 20 fold. I know it was already inside of me, or I wouldn't have gone looking for it, but still. I could feel the power it had over me increasing over time, to the point where my thoughts have become almost fully focused on sex. It's disturbing and compulsive.

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a little but better today, but I just know that the external stuff is literally not doing anything to make me feel better about myself.

[ReineD]

So Mikey, what will be the first concrete thing you will do tomorrow, to reach out and start helping yourself? :) :hugs:

[mikeyp]

UM, well I think first thing's first, I'm gonna drop porn for a little while(no pressure if I can't), until I find a therapist, because the porn seems to make me worsen after each session. Just seems like the right thing to do since I can't find a healthy relationship with it on my own at least. Next, I have a job training today, but I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep this job in the current chaotic state of my mind.

[arbon]

You need help! good, professional help.
All the sexual obsession is not what makes one a transsexual.

[debstar]

HI this forum had a group for Transexuals they are very friendly and I'm sure would be happy to answer the questions you have raised.

As others have mentitled finding a good theripist will help. I have done this.

[arbon]

HI this forum had a group for Transexuals they are very friendly and I'm sure would be happy to answer the questions you have raised.

.

omg that is funny! sure, go ask! Talk to them about being aroused at the mall while dressed to the nines and wearing pink panties and I bet they will be very friendly and eager to help you out! :D

[Saikotsu]

Hey there.
Like many have suggested, I suggest seeking out some professional help.
You mentioned money as a concern, but there are options out there still. When I was first trying to figure this stuff out, I decided I needed to talk to someone. I sought out a gender identity center near where I lived. They were able to set me up with resources to help me sort things out, including a counselor who had sessions for really cheap (15 dollars a session.) I can't guarantee they'll be able to provide the help you need, but it's a good place to start.

[mikeyp]

Just an update guys. I asked my mother to take me to an in-patient mental hospital for awhile. CDing+OCD is hell to me. literal hell. I just need to get away somewhere safe for a week or 2. I can't come to any sort of acceptance on my own. I visited a hospital before for almost the exact same feelings, minus the sexual compulsions.

I wholeheartedly believed that I was going to kill myself with a knife. I take 70 pictures of my hair per day, just to make sure I'm not losing it. I fear going to sleep. I currently believe that I'm going to die this month for absolutely no reason at all. I told myself that somehow I was going to die in october and I'm so freaked out.

We don't have the money to pay for it, but I assure you, I NEED it right now. It would be irresponsible of me to do anything else really. Maybe they'll accept the insurance I have when it's active in a couple weeks? I just need a place where I'll be able to stay away from porn, clothing, phones, computers, everything. I need to get my life in perspective.

Thank you to all of those who answered. I've been really bitter to the TS/CDer community lately, but I know you guys really do care and I'm really starting to see that. Hopefully I'll come back calm enough to achieve some sort of rational thought.

Basically, at this point, I don't know if OCD spiked my sexuality, or my sexuality spiked my OCD... This situation does feel VERY similar to my last hospitalized situation though. It all ended where I begged them to restrain me...

[debstar]

Jokes aside. I wish you well Mike.

[JamieTG]

Your anxiety is so bad right now that you are in a constant state of panic. OCD is an anxiety disorder. I have OCD and I double and triple check everything, do rituals with counting, and get upset if something is moved out of its place. We do the rituals to try and calm the anxiety we are feeling. For me it got so bad I needed to be on medication. Be open to medication if they recommend it. Good luck.

[Nancy Sue]

I guess it's good that I can tell my mom literally anything. I told her that I was extremely distressed and wear female clothing in private and she didn't really bat an eye. She was just like, "can you show me the panties?" which was awkward as crap.

Yeah though, I used to look at all of these websites to see what was "wrong" with me and most said I was likely a transexual so I just rolled with it. I then became really stressed and more stress led to a cycle of more CDing and more pornography.

Hi Mikey. Reading your posts tears at my heart, because as a former police officer and deputy medical examiner I have seen how these kinds of compulsions, and self-revultion, can end. It is not pretty, and the family is always, always, distressed. They say things like "if we had known we could have helped ...", and "we didn't realize it was so strong, or (whatever)". You feel ashamed now - think of how your family will feel that they did not have the opportunity to step out and help you when you really needed them. If you are short of funds, or insurance has not clicked in (keep that job, girl, so you will have that!) - then the suggestion to go go a community gender identity center, Triess, or something, is your next best immediate step. And yes, I used the word "immediate" (not intermediate). Immediate. Do not pass Go - do not collect $200 - go to a center, talk to someone, let them help you. That is why they are there.

And bear in mind something nobody told you - sperm happens. Sounds silly to say it this way (I am writing a small book "What Your Father Did Not Teach You About Sex", on that subject) but one of the main things we were not taught, and kids are not taught today, is about sperm production. Long story short, when your body matured enough to start making it something else started happening - it started moving it out. In females we know that an egg is produced, usually one a month, and then it goes into the uterus and gets some blood to keep it healthy in case it gets invaded, right? Then when that does not happen it gets flushed out, which everyone knows is referred to a "a period". Right? But nobody told you that the same exact thing happens to men's bodies - The body produces sperm, and when it starts to lose its power it makes new stuff - and flushes out the old. Your body does not know you are not married, and are not trying to make a baby - if it actually knew that it might quit making it for now. But it does know that after a few days, maybe three or four, it begins losing its potency. So it makes fresh stuff. Actually it is constantly making new sperm, and since there is no room for more in your testes it gets rid of the older stuff it made yesterday, or two or three days ago. We first learned about it through what is referred to as a "wet dream" (waking up with a mess in your pj's, or on the sheets), or perhaps you first learned about its release while sitting in class, and had a thought about Peggy Sue sitting over there, and all of the sudden you had a mess. Well, some males bodies produce more than others, and there are periods of a person's life where it can go into hyper production, so much so that it wants to be expressed out (my term for masturbation), as much as several times a day. Some people have sex with their partner several times a day during periods of their life, and it might be in part because they have such a large/heavy production their body yearns to move it out. (It also could be that they just like to have sex.) As young boys we were taught, by listening to the other idiot boys around us, that masturbation is weird, sinful, and a host of other terms that have been used - and that if we do it we are weird/gay/homo/whatever - and the people who we heard say this also masturbated themselves. (One of my counseling professors said "Studies show that 90% of all men have or do masturbate - and 10% of all men are liars.") Nobody calls a girl weird when she has her monthly period, but release of sperm is the male equivalent of a female's period - with the exception that for them it happens only once a month (normally), it is not something they can cause to happen at will, and it does not (to the best of my knowledge) have any pleasure quotient associated with it.

Fact of life: If we eat and drink we poop and pee - that's part of life. And once we reached puberty our loins started producing sperm - and it will keep producing it, baring a health issue that would interfere, until we are dead and gone. Just as we cannot tell our body "I know I had breakfast, lunch and dinner - but I do not want you to poop or pee today" - so we cannot tell it "I am not married, and not trying to make a baby right now, so please don't make any more sperm". It is going to make it, and if you don't see that it gets out it will get out on its own - maybe at night, but also sometimes when you are in a public place, maybe at the mall seeing that girl in her pink jogging outfit you would like to be wearing. (I can identify with that, by the way.)

I quoted your post where you said talked about telling your mom (good for you), and she wanted you to show her your pink panties. Good for her for being open, and good for you when you showed her. It might have been embarrassing, but now she knows what you like, and maybe she will give you some of hers! Or buy some for you for your Halloween costume, your birthday, or Christmas. Or go shopping with you. But whatever she does or does not do - she knows you have something you want to work through, she knows you are stressed about it, and she knows you are willing to talk to her - and it looks like she is willing to be involved in your life. Good for her - good for you. You took a great step!

Most (I am guessing) of the people here went through similar feelings of shame, guilt and disgust with ourselves - because that is what uneducated people (often friends or acquaintances) told us we should feel. They were not smarter, nor wiser, than us, yet we believed the crap they were spouting. Like my father they did not understand sperm production. They were wrong, and you know that in your heart. Your body does not have an endless supply of sperm because you willed it to; it has it because you are a young, vibrant, healthy individual, and your body is producing boatloads of it - because that is what it does. There is nothing you can do to change that. (I, and I suspect others here, have at some point tried to take some product, or herb, we were told would lessen this urge. We were all ignorant, too, but learned it did not work.)

I used to be sooo excited at the very thought of wearing women's panties. Form more than 50 years! In fact, there were times when just the thought of it would cause me to ***, right where I was standing or sitting. So I had an idea, and wondered "what if" I wore them every day for a week, instead of my uncomfortable, rough, cotton tidy whites? And if I masturbated, because I needed that, I would not change back to the tidy whities (which was my normal "go to" action, because i was disgusted with myself), but this time I would continue wearing them. I noticed that in just a short time (beginning the very first day, in fact) I had a decrease in erections (which was one of my main hopes). It was like I was saying "OK, I am going to accept this, to be ok with it, and so I do not have to use it for arousal, or allow it to use me for arousal". That was about five years ago, and with the exception of when I see my doctor I am always underdressed in at least panties. Always. 24/7. I am not saying I do not have arousals (I wouldn't want it any other way), and I am not saying I do not have stuff that needs to be expressed at times, I am just saying that, for me, it helped curb some things. I do not know if it was the wearing, or that I had finally come to acceptance of myself, of who I am.

Now having said all that, and having read what all the others have said also, I hope you are seeing that 1) you are not all that different than others, and 2) you do not need to have the fierce disgust for yourself that you were brought up to have, and 3) you have a wonderful mother who loves you, who understands already much more than you thought she would or could, and 4) she wants to help you through this - or perhaps I should say "in" it. My goal, for the first 50 years of my life, was to "beat this", to "become normal", to not crossdress any more. I decided this is "normal for me", and every time I convince myself that I should beat it, conquer it, get past it - I come back again, because it is me.

I have learned not to be ashamed. I have learned not to loath myself for this "biggest, baddest, most serious shortcoming a person can have". I have learned that thousands, tens of thousands, of others have the same feelings, the same struggles. Its funny, isn't it, how society (your friends and family) would not feel so bad if you went out and got someone pregnant (they would say you were "normal") - but it is somehow disgusting if, instead of doing what might get some other person pregnant, and hugely impact both yours and theirs lives - you deal with your own issues yourself, at home, alone, without bothering, or violating, someone else. It almost seems, at times, that a rapist is accepted better than a crossdresser. You get that feeling?

I am not a doctor. I am not a psychiatrist. I am not a psychologist. I am not a certified counselor (though, in one of my former professions, I received a lot of counseling training). The main thrust of my training was what you might call "crisis intervention and intake", and I will leave it at that. I am a fellow pilgrim, well, pilgrimess (if you get my meaning), on the same path as you - and nearly everyone else here. We care about you, and we hurt when one of us, one of our friends, new or old, is hurting and struggling. You have been very open and honest, and Lord that is hard to do. And I am going to say the same thing as virtually everyone else here, and which I started with - please go to a counselor and start the process of talking about this. The best place to find someone who can identify with, and understand, some of the issues you present is not to just pick one out of the yellow pages, but go to the gender identity clinic, and see someone who specializes in your, our, kind of issues.

And yes, please keep responding back, and talk with us, and letting us know you are okay. We are here for you Mikey, and this is the most important crisis you will ever have in your life - and once you are through it (and you will be through it), you are going to become the awesome person you envision now.

Please feel free to share this whole thread with your mom. It may be hard, and you might decide not to share it all. You might want to share only parts of what you said to us in your various posts, but you could certainly share the responses you have received back. (You can cut and paste them into a word processing program [like Word], and then let her read it - and then sit and talk to her about what she read, what she thinks, and how she can help you be more open with her - and vice versa.) I have seen way too many cases where people were not able to share with their loved ones, and the results are very sad, both for the individual who is struggling and also for the family left behind. Do not be that person, and do not do that to your family. Regardless of what any of them have said in the past - they love you, and care for you, and care about you.

Nancy

[Dana44]

Mikey, Reading this post tears at my heart. Take good care of yourself and don't do anything rash. I also have seen what transpires. Just know that people love you and here we are with you. But masturbating is a natural thing for us when we are not getting sex. So don't fret over that. You do need professional help and they will give you medication. listen to them. I know people who are on medication for their anxiety. Many people are in your shoes.

[Michelle789]

Mike,

I honestly agree with those who have said you should go see a gender therapist. Yes, one who has lots of experience with transgender people, and who can help you to figure this stuff out. I honestly cannot tell you whether or not you are a transsexual, or somewhere else on the gender spectrum, or someone with OCD and an addiction.

I disagree with those who say there is no fetish or masturbatory component to being a TS. Many TSes, including myself, have had lots of the same feelings you have had. Before I started my transition, whenever I saw an attractive girl, I wished I could be her. I used to engage in masturbatory CDing (along with non-masturbatory CDing). However, not everyone who engages in this behavior is necessarily TS or TG either. Maybe it's just a very strong fetish. Maybe you're TS.

Please see a qualified gender specialist. Qualified as in how AllieSF defined qualified.

[heatherdress]

Mike - See a therapist ASAP. Maybe see your doctor ASAP. If you do feel suicidal, get help. There is a national suicide prevention hot line you can call and to talk to someone 24/7. Don't try to handle this on your own. You need help and it is available. You will be OK but get help.

[Tracii G]

I wish you all the best Mike I really do and don't forget we all care about you.

[Tina_gm]

Maybe you are, maybe not. Right now, what is most important is to get some stability mentally. It won't matter much what you really are if you cannot find some stability. Being addicted to anything can destroy lives. Sooner or later it will take over your life and you will become imprisoned by whatever it is you are addicted to. At least from what you have posted, you are willing to do what it takes to get help. I wish you luck with this. In time, with some good care and a lot of hard work that YOU have to do, some answers may become clearer for you. Regardless of what those answers are, being a good person, regardless of where you fall gender wise is still the most important thing.

[sometimes_miss]

I had wanted to leave something helpful here, but instead, mikeyp, just go see a professional. Online forums will just get you all kinds of bizarre suggestions.

[Tina_gm]

While I agree with you in principle Lexi, I think Mikey's problems go deeper than a lack of physical contact. A sexual addiction regardless of what it is becomes a desperate situation, and it will and has for many, destroyed lives. Porn is a sexual addiction. In time, people addicted to porn and masterbating from it lose the ability to have sex with a real person, or at least have very little left for it. And are probably not getting satisfaction from it. They may have adequate physical contact, but sex addiction will not be solved by more general physical contact.

I would also say, that just self pleasuring alone, personally I still felt the need for a partner. Maybe I just am not really into self pleasure as much as some.... I have nothing against it. I don't feel bad about doing it. I don't think it is unhealthy either. I just cannot use that alone for sexual gratification. I enjoy a partner soo much more. I went about a year without a partner once, around the time of divorcing my 1st wife. I noticed that as time went on, my self sessions were waning, as I was losing a lot of interest in sex altogether. I was beginning to think all of it was at an end. Then, I got the opportunity to be with a woman, and the sex drive and even my self indulgence came roaring back.