Met with my therapist today

[daphne_L]

My dressing took a major step about a month ago when I started buying my own cloths and dressing a lot more. I hadn't dressed this much in the last 20 years combined, In fact the last time I dressed this intensely was about 2 months before I met my wife 23 years ago. I'm in the closet, and keeping this secret is becoming a lot more significant than it was. So I made an appointment with my therapist as soon as I could. I haven't seen her for 2 years, but we spent 3 years dealing with some of my other issues.

We had a really good discussion. She asked lots of probing questions and explained the range of gender issues and that she was trying to help me understand my situation. But, now I'm trying to process my feelings about her advice.

She said I should purge my current stash of women's clothing. Noticing my body language in response, she said not to do immediately. But, she said, the secret has too much power. There is too much fear/hope of discover. The secret clouds our ability to deal with the meat of the issue. She said my body language showed grief. She wants me to journal for about a week to deal with the grief. Then purge. Then journal about my feelings afterward until our next appointment in about 2 weeks from now.

I am feeling grief and dismay.

I know she has helped others with gender issues transition, so she is not suggesting this out of disapproval. I have been very open with her over the years, in fact I had mentioned the cross dressing very early in our previous series of sessions. She explored it a little then, but soon left it alone as not relevant to what we were dealing with then.

I trust her, and will try to follow her advice.

She did suggest that I should take a more active role in picking out my male clothes (my wife buys most of mine for me now), and that I should express myself by selecting more feminine male clothing. I think her objective is to dis-empower the secrecy while we figure things out.

She didn't specifically mention the heels, and I'm not sure I can bring myself to give them up. They were the first thing I ever bought for my (feminine) self. They aren't secret from my wife, so I'm thinking of keeping them. Am I being a lawyer, and gaming the rules?


Thanks for listening,

Daphne

[AllieSF]

Purging is not the answer. Put it in storage where it is harder to get at and then maybe look for a therapist with transgender experience. If you like her then see how it goes with your clothes and stuff out of reach for a time. If you have been here as long as I have, so many people purge several times before they realize that it costs them a lot of money and they lose some things that they really liked. Anyway, I do wish you the best of luck. This stuff does not seem to go away and sometimes gets stronger over time.

[Amanda M]

Frankly, it is not your therapists job to tell you WHAT to do. Her job is to present you with options as far as possible, and to help you to come to terms with your feelings about your issue. Find another.

[Cheryl_Layton]

Hi, Daphne.
What did you tell your therapist you wanted to achieve? Do you want to eradicate CDing from your life completely or do you want to be able to incorporate it into your life but in a more manageable way?
If you know what outcome(s) you want to happen then you're halfway there.

Most CDers will tell you (including myself) that you shouldn't purge. Just put them out of reach until you really really know what you want to achieve.

Good luck

Cheryl

[Marcelle]

Danger Will Robinson . . . DANGER!

Hi Daphne,

I am not sure what you have discussed with your therapist or what you have asked her to help you achieve but it almost sounds like she is attempting to quell/cure your CDing. If that is what you are hoping for, I suppose her attempts could help to quell control but one thing is very clear and loudly stated here . . . there is no cure . . . it is part of you and best anyone can hope for is to integrate it in some way into your life. Purging never works and I don't even understand the concept of buying more feminine male clothes . . . what does that even mean :confused:

Don't get me wrong, I am not hacking on your therapist and I am sure she has helped you in the past with other issues but my question is "Does she have experience with gender identity issues?" I know you said she has but have you verified this. It just seems like a really weird way to help a person move forward by making them take steps backwards. Remember, not all therapists are created equal. IMHO I would have a blunt discussion with her and ask her what her intent is . . . acceptance or reversion?

Cheers

Marcelle

[pamela7]

Daphne, i agree with Marcelle,

A therapist taking 3 years? Seriously they're just milking you, I work with people for a week and that's it, life done and dusted, moved on. The purging advice is plain bad. Therapists are not there to advise or tell, but there to help you emerge your right answers from your own unconscious!!!

Pamela

[tifftg]

I find myself in the camp with Marcella and Cheryl of trying to understand what goal you shared. Do you want to eliminate dressing or find a way to incorporate it and how candid are you willing to be with your wife. Go slowly and thoughtfully in this process. I found therapy to be very helpful in understanding my life and whatever road you are going down I hope you find happiness.

[daphne_L]

Pamela,
If you could resolve 30 years of adiction in 1 week on a regular basis, you would be a billionaire. I find it hard to think of anything that needs a therapist in the fist place that can be resolved that fast.

Have you really solved someone's gender issues or addiction in a week?

[pamela7]

yes, Daphne, a few addicts, sometimes it takes longer, but not years. and i'm not a billionnaire, lol, as u need to be in the right club to get to charge 50k/week. if you think about 50 intensive hours in a week though, it's a year-in-one, and due to the focus, the weight of experienced psychotherapists (20 years+) who've attended a week reckon it equates to about 10 years of weekly sessions, and in their words "only you'd not get as far in the 10 years".

[Teresa]

Daphne,
I know we don't know all the details of your CDing and the history behind it but I found going back to the start and write it down also don't discount the dreams, they appear to be the key to understanding my CDing.

The therapist I saw twenty years ago ago made the point of no secret no problem, it's not as simple as that but yours appears to be thinking along the same lines, I would do as others suggest and put your things in storage.

[daphne_L]

Marcelle, Cheryl, and Tiff

My goals are to understand myself, care for my kids the best I can, and preserve my marriage if I can.

She is not suggesting that purging is a solution. She is not trying to cure me of crossdressing. In fact purging is my word, not hers. She is trying to help me feel more clearly by removing the overwhelming emotions from secrecy and obsession. This is only a small collection of clothes accumulated over the last couple months, fairly inexpensive and easily replaced (except for the heels, the emotions there are much stronger).

She wants me to understand my emotions around these particular clothes and their loss. She wants me to understand my feelings about more feminine male clothes. Finally we are dealing with the problem of secrecy in a relationship.

Depending on what we discover over the next few weeks she said she may recomend resuming my cross dressing, but she was fairly sure that I wouldn't be transitioning. She has helped others through the process of transitioning, and doesn't feel like that is where I am headed. But she also cautioned me that it is still a possibility.

Daphne

PS
Marcelle, the feminine male clothes is about understanding wether it is about expressing a feminine side of my personality, or is it about the fact that they are womens clothes. Do they scratch the itch a little, not at all, or even make me uncomfortable. Also they can be worn without secrecy, so they can function as a stopgap measure while we resolve if and when I come out of the closet.

- - - Updated - - -


Pamela,

No follow up? No 3 or 6 month check-ins? 50 hours in 1 week, and you are done? No "oh crap things were good, but now they are not; Help!" The majority of your patients never need to see a therapist again for that or related problems?

In all the support group meeting I've been in, I've met many that have done one or more 1 week programs, but I've never met anyone who has even heard of a program that was 1 week and you're done.

From the sound of it your 1 week program would have cost as much as my 3 years, and without the ongoing support I got or the additional support as my brain chemistry cbanged and my meds were adjusted. While I would bave loved a week of intense work at the start (she would have referred me to such if it had been practical, we did consider it) I am sure it would not have resolved all my addiction, depression, and now gender issues so thoroughly that I wouldn't need any follow up. I would still need some ongoing support.

- - - Updated - - -

All,

Reading my OP I realize that I didn't get it right. I gave the info I needed to express for myself, but not enough for others to understand. As a result people came to conclusions that upset me and I lashed out back.

A conversation in a forum is not like a real one. The feedback loop is too long, and misunderstanding can easily snowball.

Everyone who responded, thanks for caring enough to read and respond to my post.I value your insight. Please don't stop because of my response.

Pamela,
I'm sorry! I reacted worst to you. Can we start over?

Daphne

[Sometimes Steffi]

FWIW, I (violently) agree with Allie, Amanda and Marcelle.

I think your therapist shouldn't be telling you what to do, but should be talking about choices, and helping you choose.

I think purging is the wrong solution, no matter what the justification.

But you seem to be convinced to follow her advice, and only you know yourself, so go for it.

But, I wouldn't.

[Stephanie47]

I'll agree the "feedback loop is too long." I'm involved with a situation that has nothing to do with cross dressing, but, the issues would be so quickly resolved if there was just a plain old telephone conversation. Before I retired I always called my clients and discussed with them the issues that needed to be resolved. So, on this forum we read little snippets, and, the rest is left to our imagination.

I'll agree the wardrobe is rather minimal. It sounds as if your wardrobe is akin to a little kid having a Teddy Bear for comfort in a strange world. I'm reading between the lines that you are "closeted" and may not have an accepting wife/family or at least you know/fear your wife/family may not be accepting and may be outright hostile to the idea. If your goal is to save your marriage and take care of your kids and expunge cross dressing, then I can see a therapist trying to get you to rid yourself of these minimal vestiges of cross dressing. Is it possible you feel it may be easier to try to "purge" yourself of the feelings cross dressing brings to the forefront inside you than to face the consequences of your secret being brought out?