Back to business

[Kaitlyn Michele]

So here is a thread starter...

anybody here trying to start transition?? not sure who and what they are and feeling stuck??
I know at least one recent poster is , anybody else??

frances last post really struck me...lets take a break from meta...

[LucyNewport]

Hi Kaitlyn

Yep. This is where I'm at currently. Just starting out. I've begun laser for the face (good results so far, second appointment is next week). I have a consult booked for some work on my very masculine hairline. I plan on doing some of the cosmetic stuff this winter and then starting HRT around my birthday in May. After a very touch-and-go summer, it looks like my wife is going to stay with me (for now). She is making no long term promises.

I'm half in, half out of the closet. Some people in my family know, some don't. I haven't told the kids yet, but they notice every single change. Same goes for the job. A few people know, but most don't yet. The idea of coming out fully with my bosses scares the crap out of me. I work remote most of the time, but I also coordinate all the trade shows that we do in the US. Its a very visible role. I can very easily see myself out of work once the curtains fall.

There are just so many things that are unknowable at this point. I almost can't believe that I'm going through with this after dithering for a decade and a half. I also can't imagine NOT doing it now that I have admitted to myself who and what I am. I feel lucky to have stumbled onto this space where you ladies are so open about your own struggles. It really does help, believe it or not.

Back to being a lurky-jerky...

[stefan37]

This is a marathon. No need to disclose at this point to anybody other than your wife. If you are contemplating ffs in the future. I would hold off on any hairline work until after FFS. This is a very long process. You'll need a lot of patience to survive it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

well you are saying a lot of things that sounded like me talking...


it is scary... my job was a high end job...i willingly gave it up...i just couldnt do it so publicly... it was partially i didn't want to impose notoriety on my kids and partially just abject terror

i told everybody over about a year...and a year later i was on my way... all the while it was a feeling otherworldly disbelief mixed in with depression and of course more abject terror..

however as things proceeded i kept my head up and had a very successful transition by most standards...I feel cynical sometimes that i had to go through this... but everything feels great now...and heres an odd thing...it feels like its always been this way..

[ErikaS]

Hi Kaitlyn

So yes I am on the road to happiness its been slow and a lot of anxiety but with alot of communication with my wife and family its been OK so far. I know its is going to be a long road others have said so but i have to keep my head up and move along. Being in the U.S Army reserves its going to be interesting because they really don't know how to handle it other than saying we are there to support you. its sheer terror for me because im just starting and so much is unknown to me. I don't post much just do alot of reading and sometimes im very afraid of alot but i keep thinking of life is much better and it will be OK. I want to thank you for you just being there for us newbies.

Keeping the faith Erika.

[emma5410]

I can remember how terrified I felt in the early stages. There were two major steps before I could transition. Firstly was simply admitting I was TS. The second was to stop hating and blaming myself for the way I was. After that I knew I would transition because I could not live as I was.
The strange thing was that I found the strength to do what needed to be done when it needed to be done.
I used to tell my therapist that I could not do this or could not do that. Then a few weeks later I suddenly found the strength to do it.
Take it a step at a time and, most importantly, be kind to yourself. Do not rush into things until it is 'time'. You will find the strength to do what must be done.
It is your transition and your life.

[SuzanneS]

I am.....this|close? I've said it before, I think, but was never for sure as much as I am now...

I don't know. I'm looking into a doctor or therapist.... If I want to move on with things, I think I need to talk to someone, this thing is screwing with my life for damn sure.

Suzanne

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Yes, getting a therapist that you can feel comfortable with is a big deal...people travel 100's of miles for a good therapist with some gender experience..

How is it screwing with your life?? What would say to a therapist? are your issues related to who and what you are? or are they about impediments and challenges (Family, job, $$, fear) you face in dealing with things??
Those are all things to think about that you can explore...

[Kate T]

I don't normally post about myself. It's not that I'm self conscious, probably the opposite, I just always worry that people coming looking for help and assistance, they don't want to hear me prattling along about myself.

I have just gone full time. My wife and I own our own business (Veterinary hospital, she is also a veterinarian), we have 3 children, 4 staff and live in a regional NSW town of around 16000 people. I've been on HRT under the direction of an Endo for 8 months.

We have been frankly surprised and humbled by the positive response from everyone to us going full time. Don't get me wrong, there are a couple of concerns (I want to post in a separate thread about a concern with our eldest daughter) but overall, things have gone amazingly well so far. I know it is only early but wow, I mean even our local parish priests (Catholic) have been amazingly supportive. They just want our family to be happy.

Our only real speed hump at the moment is my name. We are sort of playing a bit of a "game" with the name change (our staff have all been with us for 10 + years so are like family) where everyone, in particular my wife (we work together in the clinic 3 days a week) get an M&M every time they get my name right. We're still a long way off but getting there. After 1 week I need to buy another packet of M&M's!

So yeah, thats it. Yes, we did a bucket load of work personally I guess before rolling out publicly and we have been rather control freak about deciding how it gets out there but it seems to be all fine. The only other thing I'm worried about is that it is almost too simple. I'm waiting for someone to bring me back to earth!!

Anyway, I hope everyone else is good.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Wow Kate that's terrific..

I think its super helpful to share your story and details...

Although many times we are in deep distress when we finally transition or decide to transition, the truth is that planning and control and execution (if i sound like a businessperson, that's what i am) are hugely helpful to a successful transition..

sometimes its hard to remember the word successful when you are feeling terrible about life...

there are no guarantees of course but i hope anybody doing this is giving themselves the best chance... i think anything you can share that worked or is working as well as things that didnt can really help... sometimes in the early stages of bad gender dysphoria is seems we face a huge mountain of unknowns that make it almost impossible to proceed until you start chipping away.. (which is why chipping away/day by day is often the best advice a person can get i think)

[GabbiSophia]

I am stuck and I haven't found a way to unstick myself. When I try to move forward my faith stops me cold. When I try to get away from transition my anxiety is pretty bad. I have been midigating my anxiety with bad habits. My anger is all over place with both sides.

This whole experience is rough that is no lie. To totally let go and free fall like some have done is baffling to me. I can't figure this out. Therapy doesn't really help because I push back against it. I try to except that I need to be in the middle and my anxiety goes nuts.

All I really want to do is live my life but I have the hardest time allowing myself to admit this is the path I need.

I am tormented but I can say that going day by day and taking it slow really are the things that keep me sane. I do sometimes wish everyone would know that way I wouldn't have a secret anymore.of course I also wish everyone would except it as it is...now other of which are going to happen tomorrow.

[Frances]

9 out of 10 people who feel stuck and cannot move on are making compromises for the sake of others. Guilt is the cement keeping them in place. Would you postpone chemotherapy because it's inconvenient for your spouse? For others, it's ambivalence, and that is worthy of exploration as well. This will sound weird, but some people wish to be trans because they don't want to be men or women anymore. Not wanting to be a man is not the same as being trans.

I know this because I messed up someone else's life by being trans. I walked away and nearly died from the guilt. I still feel sadness over it. My life is not awesome now, but the identity-related white noise™ is gone. That is all that can really be gained. There will be corpses no matter what, if one has invested their masculinity or femininity.

[LeaP]

You're stuck trying to reconcile all this in your head. As long as you choose to live in a way that places you between competing needs, you only have a few options. Pressurize and hope things hold together. Put the blame/responsibility elsewhere. Rationalize and balance. Reorder your life.

I mean, what else is there? Balance among lots of things that compete in minor ways is routine, but it doesn't work with the big stuff. Not all things reconcile and some are mutually exclusive. If not for you, then for someone else in your life. If that describes the situation, you are going to have to make some choices and do something. Remember this about martyrdom: no one venerates one until they are dead.

[Kate T]

After a very touch-and-go summer, it looks like my wife is going to stay with me (for now)......I haven't told the kids yet, but they notice every single change.

I don't think any partner can genuinely know if they will stay or not. When I first told my wife 5 years ago, when I genuinely thought I was CD with no need or interest in transitioning, she said that she wouldn't be able to live with another woman if I did want to transition. Fast forward through a lot of self exploration, communication, talking about what exactly is marriage, family etc. and we are quite possibly happier now than we have ever been. I'm not sure why other than I trust her completely and still desperately love her.

We had a few shall we say "guidelines". One was that we had to agree on what the kids were told, no independently telling the kids stuff. Once transition was on the table the kids were told EVERYTHING and were involved with every decision. It's not that they had a vote or veto or whatever but they were told that I was going to start HRT BEFORE I saw an Endo. They were told that we were going to tell the staff at work before we told them. We listened to their fears and worries and tried to make sure we were addressing them.


To totally let go and free fall like some have done is baffling to me.

I think that almost every transitioner has had to "make the leap" so to speak. It is the giant fear of the unknown, of what will happen. The thing is you will never know until you do make the jump. My biggest "leap" was probably when I said to my wife that I yes, I would be happier living full time as a woman, transitioning. After you make that leap of faith the rest of the hurdles don't seem quite so scary.


.... Would you postpone chemotherapy because it's inconvenient for your spouse? ......

Whilst I understand the analogy Frances, my wife and I almost had to face this question. When our first child was 2.5 yrs old I was diagnosed with bowel cancer. I had to have my entire large intestine removed. Thankfully it was very early and I did not need chemotherapy. HOWEVER would I have postponed chemotherapy if it was necessary in order for us to try and have another child? Maybe, I might have considered it. Particularly if I could have seen that I could start the chemotherapy in 3 or 6 or 12 months and it still be effective. I'm just saying it is not always quite so black and white as even that decision would seem.

[BeckyW]

(delurking)

I've recently started transitioning... In February, I started laser on my face, in May, I started HRT.
I'm out to my 5 kids, my wife, a couple of old friends, both of my doctors, and most importantly, my hairdresser.

Appearance-wise, I'm looking more and more feminine, getting ma'am-ed a lot in public. (Unfortunately, this is generally followed up with, 'OMG, sorry sir!'). I have about 80 lbs to lose, but I started dieting this week.

At work, people have definitely noticed the change in my appearance, but I'm scared to death to actually come out there. I know I'll need to sooner or later, but I'm just not ready.

Either way, the changes I've seen in the mirror combined with the mental changes HRT brings have made me a happier girl.

[Frances]

I'm just saying it is not always quite so black and white as even that decision would seem.

Then again, it's a matter of itensity or urgency. The cancer treatment or the transition cannot be delayed if it's a matter of life and death in the short term.