A letter from my sister

[dreamer_2.0]

So far in my transition I've been amazingly fortunate with my support net. There are many friends from different circles and several people at work. It's not everyone, but the number is steadily growing. Like many of us, I'm sure, telling our families brings much stress and apprehension. I remember how scared I was telling my first sister, sitting their bawling. She accepted me and gave me my first true example of unconditional love.

Some time later, I came out to my parents. That in itself is quite the story, but not for here. Long story short, both parents love and support me completely. It was such an incredible surprise.

I have another sister though, you see. This one I intentionally left telling until last because she is by far the most conservative in the family. Her and her husband are fundamentalist nuttos (in my humble opinion). I had very little hope that my parents would be accepting; I had far less hope this particular sister would be. As expected, her and her husband both say they cannot support my transition.

Now, I didn't come out to them personally, it was my parents. Odd having mommy and daddy do something like this for me, but I trusted them. That said, the conversation didn't go well and the subject had been dropped, until now.

My sister mailed me a letter. (That's physical mail, the handwritten kind). The letter started with some compliments, sharing that the kids adore their uncle and think I'm really cool. She turned serious shortly after saying that, while she and her husband will always love me, they are deeply concerned and troubled. She explained both of them had made some poor decisions in life and regretted them deeply.

She's assuming here that transition is a decision. I'm choosing to be a woman. In a way it is a decision, I suppose, though I'm not deciding to flip my life upside down because I'm looking for a thrill. I'm simply deciding to stop running and face this dysphoric demon, to feel comfortable, to stop lying to the world and myself about who I am.

They added that neither of them trust psychologists. They feel that anyone who is telling me to transition is doing so simply because they aren't the ones who have to live with the consequences. These people cannot be trusted. My friends cannot be trusted.

Ugh that is extremely frustrating. No one has told me to transition. I'm not following anyone else's lead. I've actually been looking for people and doctors to say I'm NOT transgender and don't have to go through an awkward and painful transition. Goodness, after learning about the world transwomen live in, why the hell would anyone *want* to do this?? Sure, I want to be a woman but I don't want to be a transwoman. I'd rather be a regular guy. Well, geeze, if I want to be a regular guy then I should be able to be one, simple as that. Except, not quite. And it's not like I'm rushing into things, yeesh, I'm moving at a snail's pace, questioning and overthinking every step of the way. I trust my friends and I trust my doctors. I trust they would steer me away from all this if they believed it wasn't right and I was deluding myself.

They don't want me to harm my body either. Ha! I'm trying to FIX my body! Testosterone has poisoned it long enough and, in many ways, beyond repair.

The words in their letter stung. They cut very deeply. But they were written with love and concern, I have to acknowledge and respect that. Though it seems like they're only acknowledging their side, their perspective and beliefs, totally negating my own struggles. I need to be patient with them.

The letter was four pages long though I couldn't get past page two. They started quoting bible verses and I couldn't take it anymore.

I'm not used to rejection. In a way that's wonderful, but in another way I am unprepared for this situation and what to do. It hurts so much knowing that I am the reason for the division in my family. Had I stayed in the closet this likely wouldn't have happened. Staying in there wasn't possible though, it was destroying me. My sister and her husband are responsible for their own response. They can judge and pray all they want but that won't change a thing. If anything, I feel even more compelled to be Holly!

So do I respond to their letter? Part of me wants to, though it may be tough to remain calm. I feel the need to explain that their idea of love is actually quite hurtful. There is so much to explain, but is it worth the effort? Perhaps it's best I remain silent. Respond or speak with them far down the road, after full time or even SRS. It doesn't matter, just some time in the future after I'm living as Holly. I want to show them this *was* the right path and that my only regret was not doing it sooner.

Maybe I should reply acknowledging that we may not see eye to eye on most things, but can we at least agree on one thing? Can we agree that my life is worth saving? That I'm better to the family alive? They need to understand that this is a life or death situation.

Or perhaps I should reply saying that I refuse to take part in any religious discussion. My transition has nothing to do with religion and challenge them to educate themselves without the bible. It's ironic that they're both extremely intelligent people. My brother-in-law is actually some big shot neurosurgeon in Calgary. It seems his personal beliefs cloud his judgement.

Another possible response is to simply ask that they trust me in choosing what's best for me.

Whatever I do, I need to be patient and logical. I already feel responsible for dividing my family, this needs to be handled delicately...something I'm not typically known for.

Yes, clearly I chose transition. I just love these conversations..... *blech*

[Michelle789]

@Dreamer_grl

Sorry to hear about your sister's reaction. This sounds a lot like my father's reaction. Here are some of the things your sister said that sound just like my father.

"They added that neither of them trust psychologists" -- My father said something very similar. He said that "psychologists are ultra liberals who simply tell you whatever you want to hear".

"They don't want me to harm my body either" -- My father told me that I was going down a "path of self destruction." He also told me that I should go on male hormones and thinks that I'll miss masturbating.

"will always love me" and "cannot support my transition" -- Exactly what my father said

"I'm choosing to be a woman. In a way it is a decision" -- My father said "so you want to be LGBT"

My father's words very much stung as well, and it sunk me into a three month long depression last November through January. I also get season depression during those months.

The only differences between your sister's and my father's reactions.

1. Your sister wrote you a letter, while my father told me this over the phone.

2. Your sister and her husband are fundamentalist Christians, my father is an atheist who hates all religion, especially Christianity. My father even votes Democratic, but he comes from a very conservative culture, is going to be 80 in two months, and is incredibly paranoid and negative. My father literally hates everyone and doesn't approve of anyone or anything. To him, everything is a path of self-destruction, and everyone is bad company.

The irony with your sister and her husband are incredibly similar to the ones with my father.

Your sister and her husband are extremely intelligent, and your brother-in-law is a big shot neurosurgeon. My father is extremely intelligent and was an aerospace engineer who worked on big space projects. Yes, he worked on the Hubble.



On a brighter note, I'm really glad that your mom and dad are supportive. That's really encouraging.

One more thing I seriously recommend. We're heading into winter and seasonal depression season. Don't isolate whatever you do. Get out and about. Talk to lots of people. Go to support groups. Surround yourself with people who love you and support you, and keep a distance from the non supportive ones. Don't let yourself get depressed the way I did last year. I don't know if you get seasonal depression or not, but I get mine every year in November and December, and in some years it lasts into January. Some people may have theirs last into February or even March.

And a double dose of seasonal depression plus depression caused by a non-accepting family members can be really painful. I know it's tough. But we're here for you on this forum. Please feel free to send me a PM if you need someone to talk to :)

[Aprilrain]

So this was totally expected, nothing has actually changed in your life. You go on.
Resist the urge to respond, you will not change their minds and to engage crazy people is to validate their insanity. Write her off, in time she may come to you or she may not, be thankful you have your parents.
The ONLY way to prove to people that you made the right decision (and it is a decision) is to be successful and thrive. You have only begun to scratch the surface of transition. The most challenging moments in the process lie ahead. Give yourself time to succeed before announcing that you've won.

[Allsteamedup]

I am impressed that your sister wrote at all. Instead of ignoring something her family (husband,children are going to find very difficult she wrote four pages of what her family thinks based upon their own experience of life. She was loving and fulsome in her expression. She had no intention of hurting you at all.

Many family members will support you until your presence at a family/social function presents difficulties for them. Far better to have a family member who, from the outset states her case.

I would reply equally lovingly that you loved hearing from her, understand how she based her expressions from her current knowledge and offer her some references where she may update her knowledge/find an alternative opinion.

Then reflect upon the genuine hurt you will cause those dear to you who do not have understanding of dysphoria.

Hurt travels in two directions.:daydreaming:

[STACY B]

Boy ol Boy,,, I have heard all of it before,, An with little to no education on trans subjects they wouldn't no there But from a hole in the ground like we did before we researched all of this. I find myself educating people way smarter than me all the time about trans issues. So them putting religion and there beliefs before yours is Normal for them. You have to understand they still think this is all sexual and perverted just like the public has portrayed it all these years.

People that have never dealt with a life struggle such as this cannot ever get it unless there really willing to put in the time and effort. There normal in there own right and struggle with thing we no nothing about in there own minds. So unless they have a stake in it there most likely not going to put in the work to get it.

Sorry if you wanted your sister to understand and get it,, Me too,, But you have to work on yourself and just be happy with the ones that were willing to try and understand it and just be thankful for those people in your life,, Like they said,, You can't win um all. Maybe one day when you have time or just want to sit down and write her a letter and explain it in detail and maybe she will see the light?

[arbon]

My own feeling from my experience is better not to engage by arguing and trying to change their minds, by trying to make them accept you. I think it just makes it harder for all. Better to just leave them with their belief and opinions, let it be their problem, because really it is. It is not their life. With some time things usually settle down and opinions start to ease up. Especially, like April said, when they see you doing well. I went through that with my brother and other relatives. Me and my brother did not talk for well over a year. It took my grandma 4 1/2 years to see me again.

[Rianna Humble]

Your sister wrote to you, that is a sign that she doesn't want to totally give up on the relationship and perhaps you could reply in that spirit to her letter, but avoiding replying to what her religion is teaching her. I was also harmed by that kind of religious teaching when I was younger, but now I have chosen to look beyond these aspects. When a colleague at work tries to offer me her religion, I respond to the underlying offer of friendship.

Holly did not deserve the accusation about hurting others and I feel sure that this could only have been penned by someone who has never suffered from Gender Dysphoria

[Abby Kae]

As Rianna says with every post she makes, "Never ascribe to malice that which can be easily explained by sheer stupidity".

I'm not saying your sister and her husband are stupid, however, just that they're not educated about this particular topic, as you said.

The love she has for you seems clear to me in the way you describe it. And people who truly love us want the best for us, even if their opinion on what's best is different from our own.

I agree that it's up to you now to show her, and everyone, that this is your best decision for you. It's your life, and the easiest way to shut down the naysayers is to live it, and thrive.

Don't give up hope for her to come around. It sure sounds like she's not giving up on you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

she wrote that letter for herself...

she is compelled to try because of her nature, her religion and her love for you... she is afraid

your job is to now thrive..

you let her now lovingly that if you had the choice , you would not do this...tell its ok that she feels that way... tell her she fundamentally misunderstands who you are and how you have to live... tell her you must do this no matter what..
no big details or explanations or case studies...the hell with that stuff... you are in control of your own life..

and then the chips will fall as i like to say...

the most important chip is YOU!!!!!!!!!! succeed.... thrive.... feel authentic and even if circumstances are bad you just do it...
there is absolutley nothing your sister can do about it..

she has had her say....she is the least of your problems now...you know how she feels, end of story

and if you do thrive..if you do make your life better, you get rid of her fear, and if she loves you , she will see that you are ok.... if she can't see that, then you have to accept it and move on..

[Tiff]

Hi Dreamer_grl, I read your wonderful post, and I would say you answered all your own questions, and convincingly. You clearly know your own mind, and what you want to do. You have an equanimity, and in my humble opinion I say no one is better to make decisions than yourself.

[dreamer_2.0]

You have an equanimity, and in my humble opinion I say no one is better to make decisions than yourself.

Equanimity. I like that word, thank you. :) We can thank HRT for that. I don't think my posts carried that attitude before popping my first pills. Physical changes may be subtle, psychological changes more dramatic.

Thank you everyone else for your responses. Your input is appreciated and helpful. I've decided that, while responding would feel nice, I am not going to respond to her letter. I am going to put it somewhere out of the way and read it sometime in the future. Not sure when, but it may not matter.

My parents emailed me (found it comical the older generation emails and the younger snail mails), this afternoon apologizing for the letters harshness. Here was my response:

_____'s letter wasn't harsh, not intentionally, that is. Her and ______ care and their concern is appreciated, if misguided. I can't fault them for caring, though I am hurt and somewhat insulted that they don't seem to consider my feelings and experiences. They openly admitted to us not being close, meaning they know virtually nothing about me, yet appear to know what's best for my life.

Having said that, considering how set in their ways they are, after much thought, I'm choosing to not respond to their letter. I'd much prefer to not argue as that would add further strain on the family which I already feel responsible for. My words will likely fall on deaf ears wasting time and energy. Actions, on the other hand, would likely bring better success. ______ and ______ seem to think I'm destroying my life when, in actuality, my life has already been destroyed and I'm actually rebuilding it. My success as Holly would be more powerful than words.

Their response is expected, so I will be patient.

I am so sorry for all of this. Nothing you can say will change that.

Sent from my iPhone

So that's that, for now, I guess. Just gotta move on and prove them wrong by succeeding. Next step, googling "how to succeed".

[becky77]

Different issue, but years ago I replied to a letter from my Sister-in-law regarding a fallout with my brother. Replying just escalated the problem.

Leave it be is sound advise, I can't see your sisters view changing anytime soon.
As already said, best you can do is prove this is right for you and hope she sees that.
Seeing is believing!