My choice, to educate?

[dreamer_2.0]

I went out with a group of friends from work last night. It was a fun night, adult beverages aplenty. The highlight of the night was that I came out to a couple new guys and both were completely supportive!! The first of them put two and two together after commenting he's noticed bra strap outlines under my shirt and also felt fabric underneath when poking and tryin to tickle me at the office. (Uhh...we've got an odd relationship there). Anyway, he's totally cool with everything which is amazing and I am so thankful.

The second person I came out to left me feeling confused. Now, he is totally supportive and happy for me...but he said several times that he supports my "choice". I appreciated his support and am grateful for it, though should I have educated him tuat my decision to transition isn't really a choice? At the risk of contradicting myself, I do believe it is a choice to an extent: a choice to stop running and hiding from my trans side. My choice is to stop fighting it. Should I tell him this though? Is it worth it? Have I essentially become a trans ambassador to the uneducated around me?

We aren't super close, just a work friendship, so I'm not sure how crucial it is for him to have all these details. But, on the the other hand, by not educating people like this, I am allowing ignorance to perpetuate. He is supportive, but apparently ignorant to my motivations.

How have others approached this? Would you perhaps only educate if the person in question inquires? Should I leave it alone and simply be grateful for his support?

[Marcelle]

Hi there,

I have had people say the same thing . . . "I support your choice" and to be honest I don't see anything facetious in the statement but more so (as you pointed out) they are just a bit uneducated about the whole thing. If the person is not a close friend, I normally let is slide as I have little emotional investment in the person. However a good friend or family member I would let them know it is not a choice but something which I have to do to feel complete.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Tiff]

In my humble opinion, Id say you are the best person to make any decisions about it. And I think it is wonderful that they are supportive. The town that I live in is a very hateful town, and ignorance is rife. To me, if the world was populated by females only, Id be out there being myself en femme,right now, as I am naturally supposed to be, and I would`nt have any worries. It is the males that I am frightened of walking past. The tide is changing fast about transgender now, just the last few months I am seeing lots of good things promoting transgenderism positively in the media, which is wonderful. The media is doing a lot for us all now.

[Zooey]

I've been working with my HR partner at work on communication about my transition, and he wrote an email (for me to proofread) that was going to be sent to people-managers with information and resources. The very first lines in the email were about how I was making a "lifestyle choice", and that leadership was fully supportive. Fortunately I have editing power, and as he was reading it to me for my comments, I had to stop him immediately.

Did I mention he's openly gay?

I explained to him (nicely, I swear) that "lifestyle choice" is literally the last thing you should ever say about this. He was like, "Oh, I've seen that language used in other articles about this though - no good?" To which I said, "How do you feel when straight people ask you about YOUR 'lifestyle choice'?". To which he said, "Oh. OH." and promptly started deleting text and apologizing profusely.

My point in sharing this is not to call out my HR partner. It's to point out that even people who ARE sensitive to these types of issues get confused when they learn about it from bad sources. I look at having those conversations as an opportunity to be a better source, and make things better for others. I ALSO look at them as super lame, and hate the fact that we have to do it at all, but ultimately that's the reality sometimes. :(

[Debb]

Personally, I love the chance to educate when appropriate. I am usually pretty good at communicating in a non-intimidating, non-insulting way, and I haven't had a negative response yet. People are for the most part willing to learn, and who's better at doing the educating, you or someone who is cis?

[flatlander_48]

When I see or hear someone say "choice", it tells me exactly where they're at and it isn't a good place because it is based on some incorrect assumptions. From the standpoint of lesbians, gays and bisexuals, we know that reversion therapy does not work and I don't know of anything that says it does for trans people either. Anyway, that should put paid to the "choice" statements, but people seem to persist in them anyway.

Further, it also tells me that such people have never read anyone's account of their coming out or personal acceptance journey. I've never read one that didn't say, in some way, that they always knew that they were "different" as small children. They didn't know what that meant or have any vocabulary for it, but on some plane of existence they knew that they were not like their peers. Children don't have the wherewithal to make choices like that. They just respond to what is and what isn't. So, to me, the idea that one can choose their sexuality or gender identity is patently silly.

Misinformation like that needs to get corrected. If it doesn't, it perpetuates itself and that is NOT good for any of us L's, G's, B's and T's.

I would be careful about using the term "choice" in the context that D_g used. There is always the possibility that someone will say "See, You Said It!! You Said It!!" You never want to open the door to bad information.

DeeAnn

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It's your choice.
It's your life.
There is no burden on you to educate. There is no obligation.

the idea of "missing an opportunity to educate" is just one more way to get down on yourself for not being good enough..

Personally, i would have to be there in the moment to give any feedback...based only on the post i'd say it doesnt matter
if he made light of it, or used a word like "lifestyle choice", i'd definitley respond to that and be crystal clear...its not a lifestyle...its very serious business...
and depending on the person i'd say more or less..but i respond much more to the word lifestyle..

when you think of what the guy said in your OP, and what you might mean by "it wasn't a choice", its actually a pretty subtle point because if you boil it down, it is a choice if you are super literal.. and i wouldnt be surprised if people don't take it any further than that
...we can all intuitively know its really NOT a choice when but try explaining that to somebody and you'll notice they don't really care that much
...if you say..."but really...I know its a choice, but its not really a choice.." ....i don't think its going to matter...i don't think its going to change any hearts and minds...life is not a message board...

its better he just sees a healthy, happy, thriving person...he doesn't care about the meaning of the word choice..

getting all worked up about definitions is message board stuff and mostly not real life stuff

enjoy the support...that's my bottom line..
if you don't like how you responded , file it away for next time...

[STACY B]

I read all of the comments and that alone makes my head hurt,, Explain it to him or not ? Hummmmmmmmmm,,, Maybe if you gotta a few YEARS,, Look how long it took our hard headed asses to understand and still don't ,, You could kick that ant bed if you want or fight that Bear,, If I were you I would heed Kaitlyns advice and just Roll on,, But HEY thats just me,,lol,,,

[Melissa Rose]

In my mind, there is a difference between educate and inform. Educate is a deeper understanding while inform is more on a superficial level. Informing the second person that while it is technically a choice, it is much more complicated and really not a choice, but a must. Educating him so it is clear would be a longer and more difficult path and one that may not be fully possible. Yes, you may have a choice and made one, but the options other than transition are too terrible and may not be acceptable regardless of the cost incurred. So there is only one choice which makes it really not a choice. This stuff can make your head hurt sometimes.

[Kate T]

Wiser and more experienced heads than mine have already answered well. Kaitlyn put it beautifully. I probably have a similar approach to Marcelle. People also don't like being lectured at, if the person asks "WHY did you choose to do this" then I tend to go the pathway of really, there sort of wasn't a choice, not if I wanted to be truthful to myself and to others.

Don't forget as well, we have had a lifetime of trying to come to terms with the fact that it isn't a choice, as Kaitlyn said, the chances of being able to explain that in one sitting to another person are really quite low. If they are a good friend there will be other opportunities to expand.