Developing a Plan

[Aloha_Dana]

Hey Girls,

I thought I put out an all-points question to see if any of you have a personal, formal plan that addresses your SO, budget, children, clothes, meeting folks, etc., anything, and if so, to share what the plan is?

Here is our deal: My wife knows and is slowly coming around to accept my Xdressing. We love each other. Married 10+ yrs. 2 young children.

Here is my deal: I'm trying to find the right amount of balance between my Xdressing and my wife (our relationship) and all that comes w/being a husband, father, homeowner, etc..

There is a great number of CD's that want to include thier wives to the point of going shopping and out to dinner en femme. That would be great, if it were in our blood, but I'm not sure it is. I don't have that desire and I know my wife would be very uncomfortable even considering it. It is this middle ground that I seek. In the "inside Edition" thread, kittypw GG raises the issue that not all couples are hunky dory. I believe she has made a point. I don't want to push my wife, putting her in a place where she is uncomfortable, yet I'm still a Xdresser.

Granted, I haven't told all here. This isn't the point, but ask if you like. I am not looking for you to solve my delima. I'm looking for what others have done: creative approaches, solutions, balances. Hopefully, a few will respond and the content will be such that I and others can look to to make our own personal plan. If anyone wants to discuss in prvt, OK.

In the end, I intend to have a written document that I can fall back on, that my wife and I are comfortable with. At least I'm gonna give it a shot.

So, on this premise do you have a plan?

Thanks for reading,
Dana

[kim in n.c.]

Dana, I have a feeling that a very large percentage of us dressers,being men , and using our superior intelect -logic-and cognitive powers, Have decided to utilize the E.A.R. process. As you know (im quite sure) That would be the famous play it by ear plan:clap: Aint that one heck of a sentence! But, for real,--- I did use the play by ear plan. My SO was very involved in Kimberlys evolvment. She seemed to enjoy it more than I at times. but over time (about 8 years) she lost interest. She never said a word to me,but I could tell. At the same time We moved into a place with very little privacy. So I wasnt dressing up very much at all. So I said nothing to her either.We are nolonger together . I never thought my dressing was a factor. A Year or so later I asked her about it. She told me that , She has always been uncomfortable with it. It appears that the BY EAR plan has been pierced with a long,bright ,sparkly earing:doh:

[Aloha_Dana]

Kim, thanks for the post. You're right. We do have to be able to adapt. And you made another good point that things do change over time. Sorry to hear that her acceptance was never quite what you thought it was. That must have hurt. I'm also sorry that your relationship w/her has disolved. I hope that today, you are happy and in a good place.

I guess what I'm looking for is a strategic plan for myself. One that will get revisited and adjusted each year. Like a contract w/myself. I guess I'm seeing that I need limits to this thing that I'm so wrapped up in. W/out the limits, I spend way too much time satisfying my selfish needs, when I could be more productive doing otherwise. Hopefully w/honest conversation w/my wife, I can find her comfort level and keep that as a boundary too. I go overboard so easily; get caught up in stuff which could, and will affect her.

No fun, I know. But I think it is important for me to have some guidelines. The trouble w/this is, the fox is watching the coop.

Thanks Kim,
dana

[kathy gg]

well as many know, i looked to date and marry a cd when single.but...anyway..

I find many people argue about money and sex

money is actually easy. we pay all bills, retirement,and othe weekly expenses. Then what ever is left over, be it $100, or $5 we divide it among us eqully. I never feel weird about him spenidng "X" amount on new breast forms or a computer game and he never feels weird about me spending 'x' amount on tennis or other hobbies.

And as for sex..don't want to divuldge anything!

[DonnaT]

Hopefully w/honest conversation w/my wife, I can find her comfort level and keep that as a boundary too.
Sounds like a plan to me.

How much does she know about the transgendered?

It took some honest talking and trying to educate my wife more on the subject. She never showed any interest on reading about it, even after printing things off on the computer. So the education had to be through conversation. Most of the time the conversation was based on her asking a question.

So, you may want to ask her what kinds of questions she has.

I've taken a lot of small steps to get to where we are today, so be patient. Don't push her to ask questions.

[Francesca Chantel]

Donna has the right idea...

[Aloha_Dana]

Thanks Kathy, I agree, and I think she would also, that the other shouldn't be concerned over how the other spends their budget. Setting and observing the budget takes restraint though. I have to work on that.

Donna, you are ever so wise, as always.

Oh, and the pineapple you gave to me? It just turned ripe. I came home yesterday and the kitchen smelled like ripe pineapple! I'll tell you what, I'll core it and make a huge maitai using the husk as the glass and toast to you and your wife. We've got umbrellas, colorful straws and even these cute plastic stir sticks shaped like coconut trees! Thanks again and it was a pleasure to meet you and your wife.

Aloha,
Dana

[DonnaT]

You're welcome Dana.

Heck I thought it was ripe already!


We've got . . .colorful straws

That's where I've gone wrong. Hard to drink from without the straws :D

[TracyDeluxe]

I'm going to throw a wrench in this discussion (and bear in mind that I can only speak from my perspective, I know that, and I know that I may be very different from the rest of you, OK?).

I've only been here a couple of days, but I get the feeling that a lot of the CD's here equate crossdressing to a hobby, a pastime that they can take or leave, depending on outside circumstances. I submit to you that that is not the case.

Like strawberries? Almost everyone does, that's beside the point, but if you had to give up eating strawberries for the rest of your life, or lose your wife, would you, could you, do it? I'd bet most would say, "Yes, what a stupid question." Substitute "crossdressing" for "strawberries", and I bet the excuses would start making themselves heard, "Well, sure, I could, if I had to, but that's not the case." "Well, I could, but I think my wife and I can reach a compromise short of me quitting completely", etc., etc. Am I wrong? Good chance, I suppose, but be honest with yourself.

I don't know, maybe it's not even good to really try and dig deep into your soul and see where you are coming from, maybe it's better to stay away from the hard questions and the honest self-examination. God knows I wish I could have a family, but because of the answers I got when I asked those questions, that's not going to happen, ever.

[kim in n.c.]

Aloha Dana! Thank you for your comments. Hi Kathy. Dana,I am in a much better place. You know, Im sure that my fashion choices had very little effect on my divorce. In fact we are still friends,and talk often. However, To get back to the"plan". I very much agree with you about needing a plan. I also agree that Your SO must be included. I dont know you,or your SO (Im guessing that she is a gg) . I strongly suggest that you give her the majority vote in all decisions made. I know that is hard for genitic males to do.But,it is also exclusively our fault that they married us ,with us knowing something before hand that they did not. If I can I would like to expand the subject a little,ok? This is mostly in answer to kathy's comments concerning money. During my married life, money was not a factor. He** ,We were broke all of the time. I did all of my shopping at thrift stores. (a little hint --- Go to the goodwill on the "rich " side of town. Same prices, excellent fashions) . :cla :clap: :clap: But! At about the same time we divorced I came into a very good job with an excellent company. So here I am 7 months later. Im living on my own. No money problems at all.great job.Plenty of time to enjoy myself....:bs: I now have ,for the forst time in my life : breastforms,10,or 12 brandnew outfits,8 new pairs of heels, new makeup, not to mention the curling iron ,blow dryer, hair clips ... I dont need a wig as Iv'ehad long hair since elem.school. All this in seven month's. Do you think I need a plan? I sure do! Im feeling guilty in many different way's. Like,how much more could my retirement investment be, I could have given more to charity, -on &on &on:( Dana, maybe your SO is thinking of these things too. I understand how we tend to feel that any negative comment or life-decision is an attack against us,or at least we feel like their being selfish. Take it from me, my friend. The more time I have to be dressed, the more I start telling myself some of the samethings that my XSO said during our time together. Either Im starting to think like a GG , or since being on my own Iv'e grown up into a "big girl". I guess that what Im trying to say is that: every crossdresser needs to have a plan of some sort. every dresser should tell their SO before marriage. If not,give her the majority vote in the plan. However, I have to say that before making the "plan" you should give her the absolute minimum that you need to stay sane. Then go from there. I can only hope that all of this (or any of this ) can be of some help to you. Good luck Dana. Kimberly (kim)

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I've only been here a couple of days, but I get the feeling that a lot of the CD's here equate crossdressing to a hobby, a pastime that they can take or leave, depending on outside circumstances. I submit to you that that is not the case.

Well in a general sense you're correct, very few of us stop. But with all due respect you've been living full-time for years. Most of us don't feel the need to do so. I'm single and work for myself, generally at home, so in theory I can dress almost any time I want. But I don't feel the need to. Not saying either way is better or worse, just different.

So it's possible for us to compartmentalize, even if we're not always happy about doing so. And that's where it can be seen as more of a "part-time" interest.

[Aloha_Dana]

Tracy, Kim, Marlena, thanks for your input. Tracy, just as Marlena has pointed out, 'part-time' is a huge group of us. It is all a big gray area, from the 5%'ers to the 95%'ers. Of those of us in the middle or even lesser end, we do (should) have the ability to choose how much and when. Your input is valuable, and applicable, to those who are up at the higher end of this spectrum. To those, it may not be possible to choose how much or when, it is simply a core need. For us (me) in the middle, I do have the ability to do so. I want to do so, and I will. I do have a need to express myself as such, but it is also fun to me. I can control it. I won't ever stop, but I do have the ability to control how much my wife sees/participates, how much it impacts my family, my household and my free time. As I consider all these various issues, yes, my wife will be informed and her input valued and respected (thanks Kim).

Dana

[TracyDeluxe]

I apologize if I came on a little strong, kind of going through a stressful time right now.

It was just my opinion, and not worth very much because of that. I've never been able to control anything, and of course most people can, and do.

Sorry, my bad.

[Aloha_Dana]

Tracy, there is no need to apologize. You made some valid points, but they don't fit my situation. I'm sure they are applicable to many others. Again, thank you for your input.

Sorry to hear you are having a stressful time now. Here is a vittual massage for you.

Take care,
Dana

[Sophia Rearen]

Dana,
Not sure exactly what you're looking for here. Is it a plan for you? Is it a plan for the two of you? Is she to be involved?

For me, I have hopes, dreams, and goals. You could call them a plan, I guess. They are both short and long term. Short term to go out shopping enfemme. Check, did that. Go to the Philadelphia Museum of Art while enfemme is my next goal. Further down the path, i'd like to be able to go to dinner with my wife not her sister to a fine NYC restaraunt. Next or 5 years, to remarry on our twentieth anniversary with me as her bride/wife in San Francisco. Long term, to live more than 50% of my life enfemme.

Does my wife know and agree to this plan? Not really, she knows my desires. It's really up to me to see it through to fruition. Hopefully, through more and more exposure she'll be willing to come along.