Repressing your dressing What happens ?

[Ally 2112]

As long as i have been cding every time i purged or said i was going to stop for good it always came back .At first i would start slow then quickly ramp up and go past the point from where i stopped .Also irritation and frustration would set in until i gave in .I am just curious what happens to you ladies if anything at all ?

[Dana44]

Ally, There are several threads that talked about this and purging. But yeah, I said it was hostile on a switch if my fem side cannot display herself. We are very frustrated when we cant dress and it does not get any better as time goes on.

[MissDanielle]

Let's see: I finally accepted the fact that I'm transgendered. It only came days after chopping off two months of hair at the barber. I'm really regretting that now! It only took me 18 years or so to realize it. I emailed my two closest friends from high school this morning and after coming home from work, I emailed my inner circle of friends from shul and improv. I only hope they are as accepting of me as my two closest high school friends were. Like they are actually calling me Danielle now--at least in private.

It never stops. I like to think it's the way we're wired.

[Sarah.Jane]

I share your irritation and frustration and show resentment towards anyone who is stopping me from dressing, eventually I'll find a way to do what I need to do.

[Kimberley May]

as i prefer to remain in the closet, to stop me purging and thus throwing everything away out of fear of being caught. i've decided to not let cd'ing rule my life. right now i'm in my regular male drab civvies. i'm really just as comfy in them too :)

mind you i'm still wearing my tights and briefs underneath because they're just so comfortable ;)

[Saikotsu]

The short answer is nothing good. Denying yourself who you are does not to happiness lead.

[Jenniferathome]

Ally, I have always used the analogy of a pressure cooker that never shuts off. At some point, it blows. I become less forgiving, less funny, less fun to be around, less.... everything. My wife commented on it after I told her. I was going to the point of blow up whatever that would mean.

I find now that I am able to talk to her about it, there is far less pressure even when I am not dressing. Conversation alone, is a release valve

[Cassandra*]

Yes pressure cooker is right. My wife knows I dress but my daughter doesn't know. I used to run home from work and try to be Cassandra in some way. Now that I've changed careers my Personal time is lacking. I have a pair of heels in my vehicle and wear them when I can. This past Halloween I wanted to dress so badly I gave myself a headache. Terrible feeling not doing what makes you happy. There will be a day when all of us will be able to walk out the front door of society snap our fingers and say love me for who I am and what I am.

[CourtneyBme]

I've purged twice since I have been CD'ing. At first there is calm but after awhile frustration and irritation sets in. Then once I begin dressing again its all out buy everything I see mode( i.e. dresses, shoes, make-up, etc) Now that I have fully accepted this side of me, things are good. I do go periods where I don't have the opportunity to dress but no moodiness.

Though I have to say I'm glad I did purge. My wardrobe got better each time lol

[Helen_Highwater]

My personal circumstances changed a little while ago such that as a closet CD my opportunity to dress became much more restricted.
I must admit that I have been surprised by my coping with the situation and not feeling overly stressed by not being able to dress. However, isn't there always an however, this is perhaps nullified by knowing that soon I will have the chance to spend extended time enfemme and some of that period in the company of other CD's. This anticipation has carried me through this time.
So in response to the original question, I have yet to find out but in truth it's something I don't want to face but undoubtedly will have to. Needs must.

[Sallee]

I agree the pressure cooker is a good analogy. Sure wish I knew why but its true. Had the time to dress today 1st time in awhile and it was needed only a few hours and didn't even get out was planning to but something came up. It sure was fun and relieving, can't say is was relaxing because the adrenalin was running hard. I do feel more relaxed now.
I do plan on getting out in the next week or so even if it is just an afternoon mall and movie.
MY advice is to get out or at least dress for a bit and try some different fashions and enjoy the moment (hour+) Then get back to the everyday living and plan another day of dressing in the near future to keep the pressure low. "stir frequently"

[wendy]

been there, done that. When I was single, I never thought about purging, but when I met my wife that all changed. I purged, built up my wardrobe, purged, rinse, repeat. A lengthy medical issue prevented me from CDing (it was not repressed, but busy with medical issues kept me from CDing). Now that things are better, I finally (this year) accepted that I am a CD and that can never be repressed. Oh, and telling my supportive wife of my CDing helps immensely.

[AngelaYVR]

This.... 252834

[TxCassie]

I feel some of the reason "it comes back, stronger" are 1) "it" never left, 2) once you dress, to what degree is "dress" is always personal, but once you dress, you done it, cross the line destroying it as you crossed, the awareness is there, you cannot erase history. While no one may learned of your dressing, YOU KNOW IT, and that is all that matters. So, you purged, but you already know that you can dress and the world doesn't end, you already know you're a "man" who has a "feminine" side that has been expressed. Purging doesn't rid of your memories or fact. So, if you crossed the line, it makes no sense or the try to stay on the male side, because the sides no longer exists. You have to be who you are and who you are what you have to be.

Go out and buy that blouse you always wanted, you'll feel better, dear.

Cassie :love:

[Anne K]

I have repressed most of my life. Now, I try and repress and then just say,"What the heck!". I'm much happier. Still, I do not allow the desire to dress to dominate my life.

[MelanieAnne]

Purging can lead to anxiety, depression, blood clots, stroke, heart attacks, difficulty breathing, hives, skin rash, bad breath, difficulty urinating, itching, burning, pain, trouble sleeping.
Especially when you have to buy all your stuff over again!:doh:

Ask your doctor if you should purge.:D

[MissDanielle]

I've never purged since I never bought anything but believe me, the temptation to buy up my wardrobe was always there. And now, it's finally going to be built up now that I've accepted that this is really who I am inside.

[Melissa_59]

I purged and replenished more times than I like to think about, all that wasted clothing and shoes and makeup and everything. And I actually went two years at a stretch without dressing but the repression drove me to drinking quite heavily. Very very heavily. Like a bottle of vodka every night. I finally realized it was killing me and gave in and accepted what I am and said "Damn the torpedos" or something to that effect, but if others don't like my dressing they certainly don't have to hang around me. I don't run out in public dressed very often so I'm not throwing it in everyone else's face and saying "Dammit you MUST accept me", I'm just not that kind of person. But when I'm at home I do what I please. I'm lucky in that I found a woman that loves me, and also loves me dressed, she's a very special woman and I know I'm the luckiest person on the entire planet because neither of my previous two wives ever accepted it or condoned it (the drinking happened with wife #2, we eventually divorced but I was sober before we divorced).

Everyone has a different reaction, we're not all 100% the same other than the fact we all bleed red. Everyone handles it differently. I turned to ... "self medication", as my doctor put it. But I got better when I stopped denying myself and stopped lying to myself about who I really am. I'm a good person, a very kind and giving person - and my crossdressing doesn't change that one bit.

~Melissa

[Gillian Gigs]

**WARNING** do not attempt to try this at home, we are trained professionals. Don't purge, if you want to take a break, box it all up and put it into storage. Purging does only one thing...cost money when you start to replace it all. You need to find your balance point, and get into that equilibrium where you are in control, and not the "pink fog". This sounds like so many of us, it is swinging from one extreme to the other, when a healthy balance is what is needed. The road to self acceptance starts with knowing what you can change about yourself and keeping under control what you can't change.
I like the pressure cooker analogy, it is so true. My biggest pressure relief is wearing panties daily. Then I can add accordingly to how much steam needs to be released. With the ebb and flow of life, pressures change alot. I enjoy life more by not getting into repressing something that is beyond me.

[Lacey New]

I am deep in th closet and unfortunately I have purged many times primarily just to avoid getting caught. I don't mind so much because afterward, there is the exciting project of rebuilding my stash. However, sadly, I have lost some things that are really irreplaceable like some floral print Vanity Fair Panties, several lace garter belts and nude stockings that went with the garter belts. So, purge if you must, but beware, you might lose some nice things.

[Karren H]

Used to get obsessed over dressing. Actually I get obsessed over everything. Lucky for me my ADD kicks in and my obsessions shifts, daily! Lol. I have ODD. Or am.... But I don't get upset any more. As long as I still have ice hockey as an outlet. Apparently knocking people down releases a ton of pent up femininity! Boom!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Ally:hugs:, Crossdressing and the Mafia are two things that you just can't QUIT !:daydreaming:

Rule #1. Never Repeat NEVER purge !

Rule #2. If you feel that you really must purge, See Rule #1. again ! >Orchid ...:)...

[MarinaSweden]

I can tell you how it was for me. I did that from 20 years to last summer at the age of 48.

A totally destroyed self asteam. Depression. Overconsumpion of alcohol. Not suicidal thoughts but I did on the other hand not want to live any more.

Then I stoepped and looked myself in the eye, asked myself who have the right to stop me from being who I am? Noone. I am much better today when I don't deny this part of my personality anymore.

[Krisi]

You sound like a person who is unable to control his urges, much like an alcoholic. And having a bunch of people telling you that your feelings are normal and that they can't quit either isn't helping you. It's called "enabling".

If you want to quit crossdressing, it's up to you. You make the choice between panties and briefs. You make the choice between a bra or T shirt. Nobody is holding a gun to your head.

That said, if your crossdressing isn't interfering with your everyday life and is not hurting anyone, it's a pretty harmless activity.

It's your choice, nobody else's.

[kittie60]

I have semi purged just once. Got really Moody and wasn't I nice person. My doctor put me on a happy pill to make my moodiness livable. Finally I said enough. I now dress everyday in femmine attire. You can find pants and t shirts and tank tips that are closely male looking so as not to be out of place in your work setting. Been doing this for years.i'much,much happier now and is one less medication I have to take. So I personally say be your self and enjoy it. Life is to short

[DonnaP]

I to am in closet and I agree with Gillian Gigs purging will really cost more money. I know I have purged 3 times and each time I spent more and more money trying to replace what I tossed plus the new things that get me Excited. I love to dress and feel so Comfy in Women's Clothing more so than Men's. I do admit my mind is wandering and I am looking at men and how cute their butts look and so on!!! I hope I am not changing to much, would never want to hurt wife and kids.:o

[Kate Simmons]

Kind of like riding a bike more or less. Even if you haven't ridden one for years you never forget how. I can have fun and perform en femme with all the best of 'em but mostly for myself it has become more of a nice to have and an art form more than a "necessity". :battingeyelashes::)

[Lily Catherine]

If you feel no need to dress or don't feel like, don't. I can do without it for quite a while because the clothes don't become Lilian (and I don't speak in the 3rd person otherwise), so I decided against depending on the clothes themselves. However, I don't believe in purging, having gone through it myself. Would rather keep the clothes and keep myself busy with other things while not dressed.

I haven't gone so far as to avoid thinking of dressing (think of not thinking of a polar bear) so I still fantasy shop within reasonable means and tastes. However, sometimes it does feel a little hollow at times.

On my own part, I have come to terms with my state of being and detached myself from the clothes I wear. Doesn't change the fact that I would still cross-dress anyway.

[adrienner99]

While the urge to dress ebbs and flows a bit, it never really goes away. And when I do not have a chance to wear a dress or high heels for awhile, the Pink Fog sets in. To me, that means a somewhat ethereal state of mind in which I constantly imagine myself dressed. I feel the swish of satin on my legs. I feel the divine pain of high heels. I see myself in the mirror putting on lipstick....it is quite euphoric and extremely intense.

Purging is something most of us have done. It is a waste of time and a denial of who we are.

[2B Natasha]

this.... 252834

ex-act-ly!

[Katey888]

Ally, I think it depends (like a lot of opinions and answers do...) :)

I have had periods when I just wasn't interested and other things were more important and so successfully put this away for years (I think the longest period was possibly 6-7 years). As far as I know I didn't suffer any ill effects because of this but I would stress that I believe myself to be relatively mildly affected by this condition, so suppression is not as costly for me...

If the dressing is just symptomatic of a deeper condition, one isn't just suppressing (or repressing) the dressing - you are trying to suffocate something else that has to have an outlet, that must find an expression or if it doesn't, then that impact can be very damaging as many here (and particularly in the TS category) will attest to...

The folk that think this is a choice are completely and utterly misunderstanding that this is not (necessarily) an addiction, but for many a deep-seated need... I think it significantly devalues the psychological stress that many folk suffer when people compare this to substance addiction - it's just a completely inappropriate parallel. Some are also probably in deep denial about how much this actually means to them and what that means about their gender compass. If you're irritable and frustrated when you stop, that's probably an indication that this isn't just a 'hobby'...

Katey x

[raeleen]

Katey's answer is spot on. It varies for all of us, and I think we each speak to our experience. Pressure cooker is a good analogy for many. Others can manage it, as with anything else in life.

For me, repressing it didn't help, because it was always still in my head. I thought about i constantly. It got better when I was busy, didn't have free time where I could just lounge and dwell on it, but the urges never went away. I saw a therapist when I was younger who encouraged repressing it for the sake of my relationship with my wife. Looking back on it, that was incredibly damaging to my own well-being, and I regret every day following that advice (though I was young and really thought this 'professional' knew what they were doing) Now, I know that I need to just manage my expectations and desires. We all tell those earlier in the journey, don't purge! I did many times and totally feel sad about the money, time, and great outfits I'll never get back. But in some ways I think many of us need to actually go through that process and understand what it really feels like before we can move on from it. I think it's kind of like parenting. Everyone's got recommendations and opinions, but you don't really know what it's going to be like for you until you experience it.

Good luck. I hope you find a space that works for you.

[mechamoose]

It isn't repressing an urge, it is repressing yourself. That never ends well.


We are what we are and what we are is an illusion.
We love how it feels
Putting on heels causing confusion.
We face life though it's sometimes sweet and sometimes bitter;
Face life, with a little guts and lots of glitter.
Look under our frocks: Girdles and jocks,
Proving we are what we are!

We are what we are - Half a brassiere, half a suspender.
Half real and half fluff,
You'll find it tough guessing our gender.
So Just [WHISTLE] ("Hey, Taxi!")
If we please you that's the way to show us.
Just [WHISTLE] (Wolf-call)
'Cause you'll love us once you get to know us.
Look under our glitz: Muscles and tits,
Proving we are what we are.

- La Cage Aux Folles

- MM

[Gabby6790]

You sound like a person who is unable to control his urges, much like an alcoholic. And having a bunch of people telling you that your feelings are normal and that they can't quit either isn't helping you. It's called "enabling".

If you want to quit crossdressing, it's up to you. You make the choice between panties and briefs. You make the choice between a bra or T shirt. Nobody is holding a gun to your head.

That said, if your crossdressing isn't interfering with your everyday life and is not hurting anyone, it's a pretty harmless activity.

It's your choice, nobody else's.

Of course anybody CAN quit but the question here is whether or not it is healthy. I for one am pretty sure that repressing this side me of has caused me to have emotional and psychological issues over the years. I am looking forward to being able to express this side of me more because I think it would be healthy. The general consensus here seems to support that it is not healthy to suppress this side of you. Sure just like anything, it needs to be controlled.

I compare it to taking vacations. Sure you don't have to ever take one but you are probably going to regret that.

[Stephanie47]

I never purged any of my fem clothing. I think that may be attributable to growing up in a working class family. I had few toys compared to other boys. I remember having the same baseball glove for way too long, and, was totally embarrassed when a fly ball popped out of my glove because the mitt was too small. I also had to wear my older brother's hand-me-downs. I even had to inherit his bicycles he outgrew rather than getting my own new bicycle. So, when I found myself disgusted with myself or feeling shameful or unmanly, I just ignored the clothes. I knew exactly where they were. I guess I was too frugal to purge.

I found dressing en femme brings me peace and tranquility. If the stress of work and raising a family built up, I needed an escape. Some use drugs and alcohol or some other destructive outlet. I went through a very long period of grabbing some "crumbs of time," as I call it. If my wife took our children with her to a church babysitting job I had several hours to do a quick change. That really accentuated the need to be en femme. It really only took the edge of the need to "shoot up" again, soon. There was an escape that did not involve actually dressing. When we finally bought a computer I found eBay. Actually, I found eBay at work also. If I could not be en femme as frequently as needed, I started buying slips. Slips were my entry way to cross dressing. I wore my mother's slips that I took from the clothesline and wore them. I loved the feel of the nylon, and, never wished to be a girl. So, I bought and still buy slips. If you read my posts related to slips, you know I have over 400 full slips. Looking at slips on line and women in slips and buying slips is an innocent way to satisfy a need..for me at least.

As a retiree with a still working wife I have enough fem time to satisfy my inner needs, but, I still fondly remember the time I had to be en femme 24/7 when my wife would visit our daughter in the mid-west for seven to ten days. I know there are many of you that are going through hell because of time limitations and lack of privacy. Look at participating on the forum as an outlet for frustration.

[Ally 2112]

Thank you for all the replies! .As i can see we all very different although in some ways the same .Thanks again for your thoughtful replies
Ally

[Dana44]

Ah hoot, I feel bad purging some of the finest things I ever owned. Sure some things can be replaced. But pumps were the best in the older days. Nice rounded toes and good heels. Today those arrow pointed toes are murder on them. I have looked hard for those heels but they are not recycling the best of the heels yet.

[Brandy Mathews]

I purged years ago and thought that I could do it for good, boy was I wrong! I ended up just buying more things. I think that I am stuck with Bree inside me for life, and I guess that I have come to that conclusion. And I am happy with that.
Hugs,
Bree :)