Has Marriage Survived?

[chris63]

I have been seeing a counselor for a while now and have discovered that I want to transition. Maybe not surgery but definitely hormones. Has anyone's marriage survived a transition or is divorce inevitable?

[arbon]

Some do survive, I don't think many make it over the course of time though.
A lot of time those couples that do stay together end up basically being friends and roommates, which is what me an my wife tried to be for a few years and eventually the relationship completely failed. You go through a LOT of changes, that affect everything in your life. It can put a lot of stress on everyone close to you.

I think it is better to transition understanding that you could loose everything. Why do you want to do it?

[chris63]

I want to transition because I don't feel comfortable being a guy. I feel so much better mentally and my attitude totally changes in girl mode.

[Nigella]

Two responses to this OP.

Yes marriages do survive transition, there a few members on the forum who have been fortunate in this respect, but as Arbon has said, be prepared.

Secondly, please explain what you mean by "transition", there so many interpretations of this process.

[chris63]

Transition- becoming more female in appearance and living full time as female. Hormones and possible surgery

[Abby Kae]

I am confident that my marriage will survive, but there are many factors contributing to that, including my wife's bisexuality.

The only person who can even try to predict if your marriage will survive is you... But yes, some marriages do last through transition. It all depends on the two individuals and their dynamic relationship.

From my perspective, the best method of improving the odds is full and complete honesty from both parties. But that's just an opinion, so the standard disclaimers of "your mileage may vary," and "take it with a huge grain of salt" apply in full force, and even total honesty has been known to NOT be enough.

[debstar]

Secondly, please explain what you mean by "transition", there so many interpretations of this process.

I think Chris stated quite clearly in the original post, either way I do not see how the degree of transition is relevant. Please be kind to elaborate.


I want to transition. Maybe not surgery but definitely hormones.

Chris I can not talk directly so your personal situation but for me I lost some one I cared deeply about but really more because I was not able to admit my self to me. While I was not married I guess that is all I can say on that.

As a disclaimer - Like you I am at the same very early stage.

If the 63 in your user name is your age you may have many considerations, your wife, children, work, family and friends. My therapist has gotten me to explore how coming out may be taken by them and so is helping me prepare for that eventuality.

Does your wife know anything about your gender or are you expecting this to come out of the blue?


Debs.

[chris63]

Yes, she knows about my issues and both of see a gender therapist. She's ok with me dressing around the house but not altering my body. She's not a lesbian

[LeaP]

The comment that your wife is not a lesbian implies that your sexual relationship will continue. If you take hormones, you cannot be sure of this.

[Nigella]

Secondly, please explain what you mean by "transition", there so many interpretations of this process.

I think Chris stated quite clearly in the original post, either way I do not see how the degree of transition is relevant. Please be kind to elaborate.

Chris has only said that
I want to transition, this is an ambiguous statement from someone who has only just ventured into this side of the forum, having posted in the M2F crossdressing forums since joining. To help answer her question, how she views the meaning of transition can help those who want to respond give a more informed response.

The probabilities of a marriage surviving can be very much dependant on to what degree a TS transitions.

[STACY B]

Living Proof here,,, Love is some STRONG STUFF,,, But who knows if it's REAL LOVE or just to people that are just stuck together and with any relationship one small thing happens and it falls apart ,, Not saying this is a small thing,, Social acceptance is a pretty big one,, Most people including us just want to be accepted for who we are and if you deviate from the norm most people will cut and run it's just the way it is,, But if they educate themselves on this it;s not as bad as it seems.

[arbon]

She's ok with me dressing around the house but not altering my body. She's not a lesbian

That tends to be a problem.

Could also end up being a problem if your not either.


I think Chris stated quite clearly in the original post, either way I do not see how the degree of transition is relevant. Please be kind to elaborate.


It is very relevant. Transition could be keeping the male parts working to keep wife happy while being full time except for work or getting dressed up on the weekends. Or it could be saying I really am a woman and will do whatever it takes and am willing to risk everything to fix this problem.

[Jennifer-GWN]

My simple response on this question is... The moment I said I needed to transition I received a simple response. "I want a divorce" it was immediate with no need to contemplate or otherwise. Simply binary. We did cohabitate together for 2 years after that and have remained fairly good as she lives very close and we have a son together. But the answer was immediate.

Everyone is different and highly depends on your individual backgrounds and beliefs as well as the dynamics between the two of you.

I wish you the best with whatever is the outcome. If children are involved make sure you both do what's right for them and keep it as cordial as possible.

[Shelby11]

My wife left immediate , be prepared maybe tell her you love her and let her come to you when she is ready, best of luck

[Badtranny]

Divorce is not inevitable, but slow your roll lady.

If she's okay with you "dressing around the house", then neither of you have any idea what a real gender transition is all about. What do you think we wear around the house?

I'm not making any judgments on your condition, I'm just pointing out that you could use a bit of experience before you start think about things that will twist your life inside out.

Don't start with transition, start with getting out there. Find some friends, come out to a few people, try to integrate your "true self" into your everyday life. You have a lot of work to do before you should put your marriage at risk.

[PretzelGirl]

My marriage survived and is staying strong. But I always caution that loss of marriage is far and away the most likely outcome. Take everything as slow as you can. If she isn't fine with your body changing, then you probably have your sign.

[Nancy Sue]

There is a very wide path between being a closet CD (where many have been for years, perhaps) and transitioning with SRS - very wide. While some feel themselves feminine, and/or at least much more feminine than they have been able to live their life so far (including me), and would be content if they could develop a little more feminine shape, "dress around the house", maybe dress outside sometimes (perhaps only out of the local zone), and be accepted by their spouse as such - others have decided they want, or need, to go with the "full meal deal". Since you have only been a member here six months, realize you will understand a whole lot more after you have read another few thousand posts than you have probably read so far. Some of the posts about transitioning are by people who have been dealing with this for five, maybe 10, years in a very serious way. If you need to do it then you need to do it - but if your wife is okay with your dressing around the house, and can learn to accept and enjoy your company in that mode - maybe you will find it is "enough" for you.

Sometimes being accepted (finally), and appreciated, and loved, "as you are and/or as you see yourself", will satisfy the longing for acceptance that you have. Not everyone has to transition to be comfortable with themselves. Give that a try, and in the meantime learn more about yourself, and help your wife learn more about you as well.

[STACY B]

Tell you what,, Try this first,,, Tell her you don't have a Job anymore or Money and you Won't have any Money for a Pretty long time and then see if she is Cool with that ? If she is Cool with that you have a Pretty good chance of staying together,,, I'll bet you there are way more marriages that fail for lack of money than trans issues,,lol,,,

[Eringirl]

I'm in the same boat as Jennifer. Quick and immediate divorce. Done. But that is just my case.

I do have a few friends in town whose marriages are surviving, so it can happen. But, are you prepared for it not to survive? Are you prepared to pay the full price of transitioning?? As the saying goes, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. If you are not ready to pay that price, well then.....

I wish the best of luck and hope it does work out for you and your family.

[I Am Paula]

My marriage is holding on by a thread. We are not in love, and sleep in separate rooms. Is this a marriage? No, it is an arrangement.
My wife is disabled, and I am her caregiver, other than that we lead separate lives. I think if she was able bodied, we would have divorced many years ago, as she has known about my dysphoria, and need to transition for at least a decade. (it was me who was slow on that one). Some marriages survive (I'm told) but none in my circle of friends. Who can blame them?

[Suzanne F]

Ok I have to give our example that the marriage has survived and we are in love. However, it has not been all great and there have been many issues to confront. Krisi did you have to go there? Have you transitioned and remained married? If not then I really don't appreciate your post. Of course this is difficult for the wife and many issues have to be faced. I had to detach from my wife and make my decision whether to transition based on just my needs. Once I did this I had to let my wife have her own experience handling this. Luckily at this point she has found a way to still love me.
Suzanne

[Kate T]

I'm just gone full time and yes our marriage is surviving. It is possibly as strong and as loving as it has ever been.

BUT I'm agreeing with Melissa (BadTranny) on this Chris. You are a long way off even knowing if you need to transition yet. Get out there, in real life, AND with your wife (if she will go with you). You can take it slow and start away from home and friends and family BUT you need to work out if transition is really for you FIRST before worrying about whether your marriage will survive. IF you need to transition then you must roll the dice and talk to your wife. No one here can tell you if your marriage will survive, only you and your wife can decide that.

[Eryn]

Mimi and I are in this for the long haul and our marriage is stronger now than it ever has been. A lot of it is in whether the commitment to each other is stronger than a commitment to a particular self-image.

I'll leave it to Mimi to explain, but the husband's transition does not mean the wife has to redefine herself as a lesbian.

[Heidi Stevens]

My marriage has survived, but only thru what a marriage should be: compromise, sacrifice and love. I am on HRT and my wife has noticed my improved personality. But for us to stay together, I've put my transition on hold only because I love her and its what she wants. She has accepted that I need to have the HRT but that I can still present as her male husband to others. I get to go to gatherings now and then to let my total persona out without her objecting.
Is it perfect? Probably not, but its working for us. We are both happy right now and we can live with the arrangement. She is the love of my life and I don't want to lose her, so I make the sacrifice of not going 100%. If she does leave my world, then yes, I'll take steps to continue. Until then, we share, we compromise and we sacrifice. We live and love.

[GabbiSophia]

I have been on hormones for around 2 years now and my wife and I have been very open about the whole process. She is the one helping me to cope with needing to transition and we plan to stay together no matter what, even if in the end that is just as friends. You have no clue what the hormones are going to do to do you and you need to keep an honest relationship with your wife if you even plan to try and stay close. I will say I feel like one of the lucky ones as my transition has and is bringing myself and my wife closer to each other. We do not pretend to know what the future will hold for us but that doesn't matter because today is all we truly have.

[Marcelle]

Hi Chris,

A wise person once said (don't quite remember who) there are only two certainties in life . . . death and taxes. I have transitioned in the sense that I live 24/7 as a woman both in my private and professional life but have not and will likely not (again only two certainties in life :)) seek out HRT or surgery. My wife has travelled this path with me since I first came out to her two years a ago. We have had ups and downs, arguments, bad moments, sad moments and a few WTF moments but she continues to love and support me as she does not see a different person from the one she married. Will we stay together into our old age (close anyway)? I would like to think yes and all indicators are that is what will occur but again . . . only two certainties.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Contessa]

Yes my marriage has ended though we are still married. I've moved recently to AZ. She wants to remain friends but doesn't treat me that way. She says also that she's not a lesbian, what's worse about that is I am. We are still cordial and civilized. I still care for her a lot. My reason for moving away from her. We have to visit if we want to see each other.

[Mimi]

I'll leave it to Mimi to explain, but the husband's transition does not mean the wife has to redefine herself as a lesbian.

I have never identified as lesbian, nor will I when/if Eryn fully transitions or goes full time. If others want to perceive us as a lesbian couple when we go out, that's fine--it won't bother me. But I think of myself as attracted to my spouse--in whatever form that might be. I'd like to think that Eryn would continue to be attracted to me, even if I required some sort of treatment that gave me a male appearance. In my mind, there is a huge difference between being in a same-sex relationship with a trans spouse, and identifying as gay or lesbian.

If Eryn transitions, I won't find myself suddenly attracted to women instead of men--I will continue to see men as my natural partners should anything ever happen to Eryn. But my marriage to Eryn is strong, and I consider her to be my partner in all respects.

[JohnH]

A wise person once said (don't quite remember who) there are only two certainties in life . . . death and taxes.

That was Benjamin Franklin.

Marcelle, you say you most likely will not seek out HRT and still you live a woman 24/7. That´s interesting. I have been on M2F HRT for over 4 years and yet for the most part I live as a man. I guess everybody´s different.

My wife has even told me she prefers me on HRT since I am a lot calmer.

Johanna

[PretzelGirl]

Mimi,
I could probably take your words and put them right in my wife's mouth. She never viewed herself as lesbian. She is comfortably sitting as a pansexual, but I believe if I went away, it would only be men for her too. Loving a person!

[Aprilrain]

I wanted the divorce, marrying was a mistake and it has cost me dearly. I'm soooo glad that relationship is over!
We have kids together and get along ok but we have minimal contact.

[Stephania]

Well it's been almost 2 years since I told my wife. I have had major depression problems since 8 years ago. That continues to go on, and she continues to support me. I came out 2 years ago and she has supported me since then. I have been full time since 1/2014 when I started hormones. She has no plans of leaving me. Her kids love me also as Stephania.

[Nigella]

Mimi and Sue, in this thread have highlighted the same sentiments of Sandra. When they met their partners, they fell in love with the person, albeit that they were possibly maskerading as males. When they went through transition, at whatever level that was, it did not change their feelings, the person they married were still there, just in a different form. Society will add the "Lesbian" label to them, many a discussion have I had about this one.

So YES some marriages do survive transition, but no one can say if yours will or will not, that is very much dependent upon the bond you two have.

[missmars]

Do you want sisterhood relationship with your wife?

[Kimberly Kael]

Just another note from someone whose marriage has survived. I transitioned six years ago without surgery and my wife and I remain happily married with our physical relationship intact. She has found many aspects to be predictably difficult but none of her worst fears have come true and she has been a wonderful partner and ally through it all. She even has something of a sense of humor about it all these days.

It's impossible to speculate about how any of the above might be impacted if I were to opt for GRS.

[Suzanne F]

My marriage is intact. Yes we have faced many hurdles. No I do not want a sister relationship with the love of my life. However, I am having GRS in May. We don't know how that will all work but we will face it, like we have everything else. My wife says how could she leave me because I am facing a condition that I was born with. I am treating it and she supports me. I am so grateful!
Suzanne

[MsVal]

I believed for two years that my dear wife understood, accepted, and supported me. I had begun transition and was looking forward to life as it should be. That changed abruptly a couple months ago when she said that she doesn't want to stand in the way of my happiness, but she cannot live with a trans woman. I'm now two months into a six month attempt to suppress the GD and hold things together. If I'm not successful, I guess we'll have to part.

Best wishes
MsVal

[kiwidownunder]

Its not easy
I slowly came out to my wife 2.5 years ago that I was TG
She was and is supportive
I knew one day I would have to deal with the likely hood of me transitioning
We have been in therapy 6 months which has help but when my therapist started talking about hormones everything got very real for my wife
She is very unhappy which just kills me because I have caused it
I thought I was mentally prepared to lose everyone and everything but are you ever prepared?
Hopefully things will work out I am scared to death of losing her (this GD is so cruel)

Kiwi

[Cindy J Angel]

You are a beautiful woman you're so lucky to have you have a heart of an angel