Better or Worse ?

[STACY B]

I was on the other section reading this and that and I saw what Melisa said about CD's having some form of Dysphoria that was a Bad as anything else. And I know this is all connected in the same way weather it be worse or better is in the eye of the beholder I guess. But as far as how you personally have dealt with this Rode we chose to travel and resolve this affliction do you feel that it was a better being a Full time CD or going for the full transition? Do you think age or T levels from getting old was a factor? Or the world being more educated in this field? Or self medications stop working? Did you think that getting older and not caring about what other say or do because your life on earth is getting short and you only live once? Money is secure and retirement was the time to do it? Or was presenting female making you feel abnormal or in a costume?

What was it that made you just say to hell with it and seek Therapy? Then keep going and not ever look back? When did it become clear that fancy outfits were not enough? Does body shape and youthful looks have a stake in it for someone to stay a CD and not transition? If you could PASS fulltime as female and look the part would you have went the distance ? :daydreaming::daydreaming:

[dreamer_2.0]

But as far as how you personally have dealt with this Rode we chose to travel and resolve this affliction do you feel that it was a better being a Full time CD or going for the full transition?

Full time CD or full transition? Considering my personal feelings and experiences, full transition or bust. I always hated CD'ing, despite loving it at the same time. I'd never want a full life of that.


Do you think age or T levels from getting old was a factor?

Yes, to an extent. Best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago; second best time is today. I wish I began this journey in my teens or sooner; in my thirties now and I couldn't wait any longer. As for T levels, don't those actually decrease with age? Had I not began HRT I think my T would have gradually dissipated naturally, though not nearly enough and certainly not quick enough or soon enough. That said, mental health was a larger factor than T and age.


Or the world being more educated in this field?

This certainly helps making things a bit easier. The world has a long way to go but it's getting better...except maybe for Houston.


Or self medications stop working?

...yep.


Did you think that getting older and not caring about what other say or do because your life on earth is getting short and you only live once?

Actually I've always cared about what others say or do far more than I should, age has nothing to do with that. Talk to me about life being too short before HRT and I'd have said it wasn't short enough.


Money is secure and retirement was the time to do it?

For me personally, money is not secure and retirement is far away. These have little to do with my journey. Although money would certainly help with the journey.


Or was presenting female making you feel abnormal or in a costume?

It's always felt like a costume and that's a huge struggle. I'm hoping that will change as I move closer to full-time.


What was it that made you just say to hell with it and seek Therapy?

A dear friend crying and pleading I seek help on more than one occasion. Living in debt in my parents basement at 30+, too depressed and angry and lazy to function. Coming disturbingly close to suicide, though never any attempts made. A few times were close...mentally seeing and feeling myself reach for a real knife in sight and...the rest isn't important. I realized I couldn't survive living as a dude anymore, it's been too exhausting pretending to be a normal guy when I wasn't. Tired of lying about my life (choosing blue over pink for instance when I really wanted pink). Dating was out of the question because I couldn't love a girl who I deeply resented at the same time. It was a life quickly slipping further and further downhill. I think it was mostly that dear friend crying though. It pained me to see how much I was hurting someone, never mind myself. I initially went to therapy to look at depression and mood disorders. It was only after several sessions I broached the gender struggles, and that was only because I wasn't making any progress examining what I originally went there for. Hmmm, I wonder why...


Then keep going and not ever look back?

Oh I've looked back many times. The journey, so far, has brought much joy and some relief, with the promise of more down the road..but I still don't want this...and yet I do. It's confusing. What I do know is I want to be normal, not trans... Normality is just a pipe dream though. Maybe living authentically will be just as good. Maybe living authentically is the normal I'm actually looking for.


When did it become clear that fancy outfits were not enough?

They were never enough. The first time I wore something of my sisters' I expected to look like a girl in it...except I didn't. I looked like a boy, a very silly boy. From the very beginning, outfits, accessories, wigs, makeup, everything..none of it was enough.


Does body shape and youthful looks have a stake in it for someone to stay a CD and not transition?

I would think that body shape and youthful looks would have a stake in it for someone to transition rather than stay a CD.


If you could PASS fulltime as female and look the part would you have went the distance ? :daydreaming::daydreaming:

Going the distance right now, whether I pass or not...though I really hope to pass. Some say it's not important but that's not my stance.

[KellyJameson]

I have often wondered if those who start out crossdressing than created their female identity through the back door of their sexuality.

It seems logical that most who crossdress also identify as being sexually attracted to women.

My gender identity as being a woman was always in place and only my relationship to this identity changed by accepting it.

Before I accepted it I lived in fear of it and this fear was created by others who threatened me if I did not reject myself. They threatened me with social exclusion, not being lovable or acceptable. Not being normal and this meaning I was abnormal.

My whole struggle was me fighting against myself and I certainly would not give this identity even more power to assert itself by crossdressing.

Anything that put me in "women's territory" was very threatening. I was not defending a masculine identity but keeping my female identity from becoming so strong I could not consciously control it (suppress)

To me suppression is an attribute of gender dysphoria. I have a difficult time understanding those who run toward the female with ease as crossdressers do because it is so contrary to my own experiences.

I would think crossdressing could be very dangerous to a man with a fragile sense of himself. On the other hand a man enslaved to the concept of masculinity and being a mans man at any cost could find benefits to it. It could have a humanizing influence and soften the more destructive aspects of being a man.

It is interesting to me that I had the same struggle but from an opposite place as a hyper masculine man who is suppressing anything he thinks is feminine in his demeanor.

I kept that which was there already from escaping and he defends from being penetrated externally from that which is externally all around him.

Hyper masculine men do not want to be taken over by the feminine and I did not want others to know that I already had been, not because I had been invaded by it but because I as a child identified with it.

Not through sex or family but a child's naivety of deciding for themselves what gender they are and than living a life that never contradicted, taught otherwise but constantly confirmed this earliest understanding.

Gender is the social construct of that which you are biologically predisposed to be and when they are at odds with each other you have conflict both internally and externally.

In my opinion those who crossdress should be very careful concerning transsexual matters. Be careful with that which creates identity.

Sex can distort ones understanding of themselves.

It is paradoxical that I am the opposite of a man but shared in their same struggles related to masculinity.

[Marcelle]

Hi Stacy,

I can answer this question from my own perspective as one who as transitioned in the sense I identify and live as a woman fulltime but have not sought out HRT or surgery and most likely will not . . . so full transition in the classic sense . . . no.

Age and T-Levels a factor? Age perhaps in the sense that I hid/suppressed/beat down my gender identity issues for years (30+ after a brief dalliance at age 18) under a guise of mucho, macho man solider only to have it implode on me at 49 leaving me an emotional wreck and in a very dark place. T-levels are a possibility but, when I came out to the military part of the process for transition is through the medical side of the house and my t-levels were and still are slightly higher than the average male at my age . . . no decline with age.

My decision to transition was based on the fact that I felt false as a guy and never comfortable in that guise . . . kind of like I was playing role in a play with no ability to change back to me after the play ended. Yes, I never realized it and figured it was just CDing but some part of me knew on a deep level that I was not a guy . . . well genetically yes, but not in the sense of gender identity. I fought it hard, figured dressing up at home now and then would help which led to "perhaps going out in public would help abate my angst" . . . did for awhile but not for long. This was followed by well perhaps I am gender fluid . . . that lasted for three weeks at work as switching back and forth between male and female was emotionally upsetting. I missed "her" when I was "him" but never missed or even thought about him when I was "her". So I transitioned in place and have not looked back. As I stated earlier, I have no desire for HRT nor surgery as I quite like my body, the way it responds to exercise and other things :o but I only consider myself "genetically male" and my genetics do not define who I am as a person or which gender I am.

Therapy helped immensely as it focused me, brought order to chaos and allowed me to grow in the direction I needed. It ceased being about fancy outfits (never really did the whole fancy outfit thing anyway) once I realized that clothes do not define the gender but your internal sense of self defines your gender irrespective of whether you are in a ball gown or jeans and a t-shirt . . . there is no women's clothing anymore, only my clothing. Do I pass? Not in a million years and I most likely will never pass. However, that is not the defining factor me. I may appear to many as a dude dressed as a woman but that is their opinion . . . for me I am a woman and having transitioned both personally and professionally has only brought joy to what was a very dark place.

Cheers

Marcelle

[STACY B]

Thanks all 3 of you for answering this,, Not only for me also for the hundreds of others who come here and read. I do wish that more would have chosen to add there Life story but maybe there not ready or even don't have a clue? But goes to show How different we all are and how we all got here is Never same.

Hope more of you come out and tell your story , Not only for me but for the ones that are scared to death right now or in total denial about this and don't even know where to start.

[Teresa]

Stacy,
Maybe it's not so much the difference between full time CDing and full transition but trying to find an answer in what would bring total happiness in your life . Totally coming to terms with the needs of body and mind , we all know that can come at price and sometimes age doesn't make it easier, it becomes more complicated. Walking away from wife , mother, children and then grandchildren is a pain I couldn't come to terms with . That compromise is also hurting when some deep rooted needs in me aren't being satisfied.
Counselling has simply helped me to come to terms with and accept exactly what is driving me, outfits may give you confidence and make you feel good, even fool people around you for a while but none of that alters what is trapped in your mind , eventually you have to live it and that's what I'm trying to do.