MayaS
11-08-2015, 10:18 AM
I am Miguel, I was born physically male in January 1965 in Lisbon. I am also Nicola, born female at the same time. It has taken me almost 35 years to accept both my male and my female personalities.
This the story of how I discovered I had a female side, how I allowed her to come out, how she was suppressed again, and how we finally found acceptance and balance.
It all started in 1974. We lived in Angola and were there when the civil war broke out. I will spare you the details, it's suffice to say that life wasn't easy. Bullets flying through the classroom at school, queueing 6 hours just to get a loaf of bread, and the living in constant fear. My dad was working for the Portuguese government and this made him a wanted man by the marxist government. He fled to Brazil whilst my mum, sister, and I fled to Holland.
The war in Angola left me with PTSD which remained undiagnosed and was never picked up by teachers and family. I started to shut myself away from everyone but craved love, comfort, and security. I wasn't getting it from anyone and I retreated further in myself.
It was now 1979 and I remember one day I was putting dirty washing in the washing basket and one of my mum's bras was on top in the basket. Something clicked inside me and I grabbed the bra, went into my room, and put it on. I still don't know what made me do that, but just the simple act of putting a bra on gave me a lot of comfort. It kinda felt like a big hug. From that day forward I would very regularly “borrow” my mum's underwear and put it on. Over the first few months of doing that I started to feel a bit better. Wearing women's clothing made me feel good, made me feel complete, and made me feel very sexy. So crossdressing became very normal for me.
One day when I was home alone I crossdressed and went into my bedroom. Out of the blue my mum came home, barged into my room and saw me lying on the bed in one of her bras and knickers. If only the ground could've swallowed me up! She looked at me, turned around, closed the door, and she didn't speak to me for a few days. I was so embarrassed that I went to stay with some friends in Amsterdam. Those few days in the Dam I went on a massive bender of alcohol and drugs to forget what had happened at home. When I eventually returned home nothing was said about what my mum saw. I did stop crossdressing for a few months, but the urge was always there. One day I couldn't resist anymore and I went through my mum's wardrobe and dressed. Immediately I felt right and complete. I think that was the day that I accepted I was a crossdresser.
I didn't dress every day, but at least a few times a week. I had to keep it very hidden so it was usually very late at night or when I was home alone. There were a couple more occasions in which my mum caught me dressed, but she never mentioned it. To be honest, I didn't really care how she felt about it, I knew it was right for me.
In 1986 I moved out of my parents' house and rented a room in The Hague. This gave me the freedom to do as I pleased. For the first time ever I went into a shop and bought some lingerie, I dressed every day and I felt so free and happy.
Whilst living in The Hague I started to write with a girl from England. We wrote to each other for about a year before we met. I fell in love with her and our relationship became very close. In 1988 she moved in with me, This meant that I couldn't dress. I didn't really mind too much as she gave me a lot of love. We eventually moved to England and got married. When she fell pregnant things started to change. Our sex life dwindled to nothing and she was so focussed on the pregnancy that I started to feel pushed out. So when she was at work one day I felt the urge to crossdress. I took some of her clothes and underwear and dressed. Again I felt complete and comforted. When her sister moved in with us I kinda felt like I was in heaven. Not because of them but because I had 2 wardrobes of female clothing to choose from.
We moved house and I continued dressing behind her back. I had taken a few of her clothes and stashed them. One day I went out and somehow she found the clothes I had hidden away. My world came crashing down. I stood to loose my wife and my daughter. She moved out and I was left on my own. I dressed every day, all day but something was changing. I felt I needed more than just crossdressing and slowly I began to feel that I was a woman trapped in a man's body. I discussed this with my GP and she was very understanding. She was ready to refer me on to start the process of physically becoming female. By then I was ready to move away from London and went to Ipswich.
The move meant that my treatment was postponed by myself, but eventually I spoke to my new GP about it. He very quickly referred me to a psychiatrist. After a few sessions with him he prescribed me female hormones and I started to live as a woman full-time. I discussed it with my employer as well and they did their best to accommodate me. What I didn't expect was the ridicule, discrimination, and abuse I received from work colleagues, family, and random people on the street. Even my mum and stepfather pushed me away and they didn't talk to me for nearly 2 years. That was the killer blow. At the time I needed them the most they abandoned me. It got so bad that I tried to kill myself. I didn't succeed, but I started to have doubts about what I was doing. By then I had also met quite a few MtF trans people and I was very disillusioned with how they acted. They seemed so shallow and only wanted to talk about picking up men or women. That wasn't me at all. After a lot of thinking I decided to stop the process about 10 months after starting it. The hormones were also making me feel very emotionally up and down. I had already noticed that the hormones were changing me. There was some breast growth and my skin felt softer. So if I was to stop the treatment that was the right time to do it.
Several years passed. I had a few difficult relationships in those years. I told 2 of the women I'd been with about the crossdressing and the gender issue. They seemed ok with it, but when it came to letting me crossdress they didn't really want any part in it.
In the early 2000's I met the woman who is now my wife. Because of past experiences of telling partners I decided not to tell her about it. I was ok with that as she made me feel very loved and wanted. I did crossdress occasionally behind her back, but it was so rare that I didn't even think too much about it. The fact that I hadn't told her was starting to eat at me, so one day I plucked up the courage and told her everything. I thought I was going to loose her, but to my surprise she was perfectly ok with it. In fact it brought us closer together.
I began to feel that I might be able to express my feminine side in her presence without the need to secretly doing it. I had to be sure it was what I wanted and I asked my wife if I could by some female clothing to try and connect with my female side. I worked with it for several weeks and slowly but surely I came to the conclusion that I am gender fluid. I have no wish to physically become a woman but I do feel both male and female.
My wife gave the time and space to be sure and she has been incredibly supportive. One of our friends is gender neutral so they knew a bit about it.
A few days ago I partially dressed and showed my wife. She acted so normal about it that I knew she'd be perfectly ok with it. We talked a lot and she offered to help me with anything I needed. We went to Boots and she helped me pick some make-up. She also offered to help me get clothes and anything else I might need.
So now I'm in a position that I can be male and female depending on how I feel, dress in a feminine and in a masculine way, and not have to hide it. I finally can be free, be myself as Miguel and Nicola, and be happy inside and out.
Wednesday 4th October
Coming out
Today is the day that I need to introduce Hayley to Nicola and I'm scared. The time for talking about it is over and I need to somehow find the courage. I have a few hours before she comes home and, if I'm able to do so, I will first tell her my intention and then show her.
After dinner I told her I'm going to change to the extent that I can with a small wardrobe of female clothes. She smiles and encourages me.
I go in the bedroom and change. I'm so nervous I'm shaking and I feel sweat dripping down my forehead. I light a few candles, turn off the light and I call her into the bedroom. I face away from her and tell her how nervous I am. She gives me all the time I need. I eventually turn round. Hayley looks at me and then hugs me. I feel accepted and I smile. I feel pure unconditional love from her and weight I've been carrying since 1974 is lifted. I finally feel that both sides of me are starting to come into balance.
More to follow..... XX
This the story of how I discovered I had a female side, how I allowed her to come out, how she was suppressed again, and how we finally found acceptance and balance.
It all started in 1974. We lived in Angola and were there when the civil war broke out. I will spare you the details, it's suffice to say that life wasn't easy. Bullets flying through the classroom at school, queueing 6 hours just to get a loaf of bread, and the living in constant fear. My dad was working for the Portuguese government and this made him a wanted man by the marxist government. He fled to Brazil whilst my mum, sister, and I fled to Holland.
The war in Angola left me with PTSD which remained undiagnosed and was never picked up by teachers and family. I started to shut myself away from everyone but craved love, comfort, and security. I wasn't getting it from anyone and I retreated further in myself.
It was now 1979 and I remember one day I was putting dirty washing in the washing basket and one of my mum's bras was on top in the basket. Something clicked inside me and I grabbed the bra, went into my room, and put it on. I still don't know what made me do that, but just the simple act of putting a bra on gave me a lot of comfort. It kinda felt like a big hug. From that day forward I would very regularly “borrow” my mum's underwear and put it on. Over the first few months of doing that I started to feel a bit better. Wearing women's clothing made me feel good, made me feel complete, and made me feel very sexy. So crossdressing became very normal for me.
One day when I was home alone I crossdressed and went into my bedroom. Out of the blue my mum came home, barged into my room and saw me lying on the bed in one of her bras and knickers. If only the ground could've swallowed me up! She looked at me, turned around, closed the door, and she didn't speak to me for a few days. I was so embarrassed that I went to stay with some friends in Amsterdam. Those few days in the Dam I went on a massive bender of alcohol and drugs to forget what had happened at home. When I eventually returned home nothing was said about what my mum saw. I did stop crossdressing for a few months, but the urge was always there. One day I couldn't resist anymore and I went through my mum's wardrobe and dressed. Immediately I felt right and complete. I think that was the day that I accepted I was a crossdresser.
I didn't dress every day, but at least a few times a week. I had to keep it very hidden so it was usually very late at night or when I was home alone. There were a couple more occasions in which my mum caught me dressed, but she never mentioned it. To be honest, I didn't really care how she felt about it, I knew it was right for me.
In 1986 I moved out of my parents' house and rented a room in The Hague. This gave me the freedom to do as I pleased. For the first time ever I went into a shop and bought some lingerie, I dressed every day and I felt so free and happy.
Whilst living in The Hague I started to write with a girl from England. We wrote to each other for about a year before we met. I fell in love with her and our relationship became very close. In 1988 she moved in with me, This meant that I couldn't dress. I didn't really mind too much as she gave me a lot of love. We eventually moved to England and got married. When she fell pregnant things started to change. Our sex life dwindled to nothing and she was so focussed on the pregnancy that I started to feel pushed out. So when she was at work one day I felt the urge to crossdress. I took some of her clothes and underwear and dressed. Again I felt complete and comforted. When her sister moved in with us I kinda felt like I was in heaven. Not because of them but because I had 2 wardrobes of female clothing to choose from.
We moved house and I continued dressing behind her back. I had taken a few of her clothes and stashed them. One day I went out and somehow she found the clothes I had hidden away. My world came crashing down. I stood to loose my wife and my daughter. She moved out and I was left on my own. I dressed every day, all day but something was changing. I felt I needed more than just crossdressing and slowly I began to feel that I was a woman trapped in a man's body. I discussed this with my GP and she was very understanding. She was ready to refer me on to start the process of physically becoming female. By then I was ready to move away from London and went to Ipswich.
The move meant that my treatment was postponed by myself, but eventually I spoke to my new GP about it. He very quickly referred me to a psychiatrist. After a few sessions with him he prescribed me female hormones and I started to live as a woman full-time. I discussed it with my employer as well and they did their best to accommodate me. What I didn't expect was the ridicule, discrimination, and abuse I received from work colleagues, family, and random people on the street. Even my mum and stepfather pushed me away and they didn't talk to me for nearly 2 years. That was the killer blow. At the time I needed them the most they abandoned me. It got so bad that I tried to kill myself. I didn't succeed, but I started to have doubts about what I was doing. By then I had also met quite a few MtF trans people and I was very disillusioned with how they acted. They seemed so shallow and only wanted to talk about picking up men or women. That wasn't me at all. After a lot of thinking I decided to stop the process about 10 months after starting it. The hormones were also making me feel very emotionally up and down. I had already noticed that the hormones were changing me. There was some breast growth and my skin felt softer. So if I was to stop the treatment that was the right time to do it.
Several years passed. I had a few difficult relationships in those years. I told 2 of the women I'd been with about the crossdressing and the gender issue. They seemed ok with it, but when it came to letting me crossdress they didn't really want any part in it.
In the early 2000's I met the woman who is now my wife. Because of past experiences of telling partners I decided not to tell her about it. I was ok with that as she made me feel very loved and wanted. I did crossdress occasionally behind her back, but it was so rare that I didn't even think too much about it. The fact that I hadn't told her was starting to eat at me, so one day I plucked up the courage and told her everything. I thought I was going to loose her, but to my surprise she was perfectly ok with it. In fact it brought us closer together.
I began to feel that I might be able to express my feminine side in her presence without the need to secretly doing it. I had to be sure it was what I wanted and I asked my wife if I could by some female clothing to try and connect with my female side. I worked with it for several weeks and slowly but surely I came to the conclusion that I am gender fluid. I have no wish to physically become a woman but I do feel both male and female.
My wife gave the time and space to be sure and she has been incredibly supportive. One of our friends is gender neutral so they knew a bit about it.
A few days ago I partially dressed and showed my wife. She acted so normal about it that I knew she'd be perfectly ok with it. We talked a lot and she offered to help me with anything I needed. We went to Boots and she helped me pick some make-up. She also offered to help me get clothes and anything else I might need.
So now I'm in a position that I can be male and female depending on how I feel, dress in a feminine and in a masculine way, and not have to hide it. I finally can be free, be myself as Miguel and Nicola, and be happy inside and out.
Wednesday 4th October
Coming out
Today is the day that I need to introduce Hayley to Nicola and I'm scared. The time for talking about it is over and I need to somehow find the courage. I have a few hours before she comes home and, if I'm able to do so, I will first tell her my intention and then show her.
After dinner I told her I'm going to change to the extent that I can with a small wardrobe of female clothes. She smiles and encourages me.
I go in the bedroom and change. I'm so nervous I'm shaking and I feel sweat dripping down my forehead. I light a few candles, turn off the light and I call her into the bedroom. I face away from her and tell her how nervous I am. She gives me all the time I need. I eventually turn round. Hayley looks at me and then hugs me. I feel accepted and I smile. I feel pure unconditional love from her and weight I've been carrying since 1974 is lifted. I finally feel that both sides of me are starting to come into balance.
More to follow..... XX