An inside look into a genderfluid individuals weekend

[Saikotsu]

Good morning everyone,
Heads up: this is a LONG post. Anyway, one of our genderfluid users recently posted a topic in which they logged how their gender identity switched throughout a weekend. It provides a fascinating look into how genderfluidity works for them. It inspired me to do something similar, so in a moment, I'll start recounting how my weekend went and how I felt internally as the days went by and various things happened.
If you would like to read the original post that inspire this one, here's the link:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?233392-DES-sons-and-Androgynous-males-gender-fluid-Let-s-talk

Friday night:
I get home from work, early in the evening. Having read the post mentioned above, I try to ascertain my current gender. It's a bit nebulous, because I feel both male and female. I settle on mixed. I go about my night and nothing really changes. I end up going to bed mixed.

Saturday morning:
I wake up still feeling mixed, but I'm a lot more on the female side than before. Comparatively, I was 50/50 or 60/40 last night, with the majority being male. Waking up, I'm closer to 75/25 with female being the majority. My girlfriend seemed to sense the change too, having remarked about going to bed with her boyfriend and waking up with her girlfriend. I'm not sure how she knew. She's developed a sort of sense about it. I'm so freakin lucky.
Anyway, I get out of bed and get ready. Brushing teeth, combing hair, etc. There is a distinct disgust as I note my wide shoulders, scruffy face, and balding hair.

Afterwards, we enjoy some breakfast and my girlfriend heads out to do some errands. I start paying the bills, but the thought of going out to the mailbox bothers me. I don't want to dress as something I'm not. I look out the window and note some people in coats down below. I feel a bit of hope. If its cold enough to wear a coat, I can go outside with forms in and not be noticeable.Just to be sure, however, I dress like a guy and do my best to push away this feeling of...regret(?) or reluctance(?). Not sure which. Could be both. So I step out onto the balcony and sure enough, it's cold enough for a coat. In fact, there's ice on the railing.

I go back inside and change me outfit to better match how I feel. Panties replace the boxers. I keep the cargo pants, since they're unisex. Bra and forms, underneath a more feminine shirt. Then I put on my big coat and check in the mirror to make sure nothing is noticeable. Even though I'm looking for breasts, I can't see them underneath the coat. If I can't find them when looking for them, people not looking for them won't even notice.

Sure enough, not one person gave me a second glance or seemed to notice. Just another "guy" walking to the mailbox. For a while, my gender floats to the back of my mind, even though I'm putting more attention to it than normal for the purpose of this project. I return home and play some games online with my friends. When they get ready to leave for work, I get ready to visit a family friend who is about to move.

I knew I was going to visit her and give her a card later in the day, so I knew that part of the day I'd be forced to present as male, regardless of how I felt. I had been dreading it earlier when I was eating breakfast, but now that it was time to leave, I was okay with it. In fact, my identity had started shifting again back towards being male while I was playing games. Keep in mind, gaming has no effect on my shifting. It just happened to happen at the same time in this instance.

I get changed, switching out the shirt and removing the bra and forms. Once I get down to my car, I note my silhouette. The very things that had disgusted me earlier that day now makes me feel great. I'm a guy, and I'm proud of it.

The rest of the day I'm feeling masculine and it doesn't shift much from that. When my girlfriend gets home, I ask her how she would like me to present for the night. As expected, she says to present how I feel comfortable, so I continue as I am. Towards the end of the night, I feel more mixed, so I go to bed mixed, once more.

Sunday morning:
Female. I wake up feeling 100% Female. I'm a girl today. When I get dressed, it's in a black chiffon skirt and a cardiblouse (one of those garments that's supposed to look like a blouse and a cardigan but is a single item. Not sure what it's called). I also take the time to paint my nails and shave (it always grows back so fast...), since I want to distance myself from masculinity as much as possible.

I go with fall colors. Yellow on the right foot, orange on the left, and crimson red on my hands. I stay in female mode for a few hours, until my girlfriend starts getting flirty. It's not an immediate thing, but after spending some time with her, I'm definitely feeling more masculine. Early afternoon comes around. She wants to go out and get some lunch, and I'm feeling more like a guy now, so I switch back over and remove the polish from my hands. I keep the paint on my toes though, since I still feel a little bit like a woman.

We go about our business, and bring everything home. At this point its late afternoon, early evening and I'm still feeling mostly male. However, I'm starting to feel tired, having not slept well last night. I decide to take a nap. When I wake up around 6:30 I'm feeling more mixed so I wear the bra and forms under a women's t-shirt and I don some cargo pants. I cook dinner and spend the rest of the night relaxing with my girlfriend. I end up going to bed more Female than male.

This morning:
I woke up...nebulous. There is no better term to describe it. I'm not mixed. I'm not male. I'm not female. I'm none of the above and all of the above at the same time. It's a difficult state to describe. I guess this would be called "other". This is a rare feeling for me, but one I kinda enjoy.

So there you have it. If you're reading this, I thank you for slogging through all that. Questions, comments, concerns, feedback, all are welcome.

[pamela7]

thankyou Ady,

it's most interesting to witness someone varying, as it contrasts with my own sense of a long slow shift to realising my being is growing more feminine daily, weekly, monthly.

xxx Pamela

[Saikotsu]

Thank you. That was one of the reasons I did it. We all have such unique perspectives, I wanted to give my own so others could have some context.

[Natasha V]

I never knew what genderfluid was but reading this very much looked like my week. I need to read up and learn about this term. Thank you. My Spouse also tells me to dress how I feel and if we are out and about she will take me to a shop to brouse through some women's clearance racks or buy a little something and that calms me down for the rest of the day.

[MissDanielle]

Being someone that is new to most of these terms, it is fascinating to read accounts of switches. Like I don't know if I am naturally inclined to wear women's clothing despite my being a straight male but something just keeps drawing me to them. Could I be genderfluid? Perhaps. There have been days of late that I have felt very femme inside of me and just let it take control despite the lack of femme wardrobe.

[Saikotsu]

@Natasha:
Reading up on it is a good idea. Having talked with others like myself, I've found that we each experience it somewhat differently.

@Missdanielle:
First off, ones gender expression and gender identity are separate from ones sexuality. You'll find that there are plenty of crossdressers who are straight. There are also plenty who are not. There's plenty of gay individuals who never present as anything other than their birth gender as well.

As for being genderfluid, one of the major determining factors for me is that when I feel feminine, I want to be seen as and thought of as a woman. I want to BE a woman. If I'm feeling feminine and someone calls me "sir" or "he" I have a very visceral reaction on the inside. I want to loudly argue, "No. I am a 'she', not a 'he'." When I'm feeling masculine, its the opposite. Don't call me a girl.
Today, while I was feeling nebulous, neither "he" nor "she" would feel right. But neither would be incredibly wrong either.
That said, I can't expect people to know how to address me since things change so frequently. So I tell people to call me what they perceive me as.

- - - Updated - - -

Also, you're welcome Natasha

[ReineD]

The language in this forum is beginning to change again.

It used to be called "an urge or need to crossdress" without having it define gender. Now, if a crossdresser wants to look and feel feminine, it indicates that at that moment she is a girl but at other times he is a boy. Anyone can call it anything they like and blurring the definitions of gender and desire is OK.

You should read this rather good article from the Irish Times (Ireland has recently passed a comprehensive Gender Recognition Bill), to see how they explain genderfluid/genderqueer/nonbinary/etc.

http://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/people/beyond-the-binary-what-does-it-mean-to-be-genderfluid-1.2418434



As for being genderfluid, one of the major determining factors for me is that when I feel feminine, I want to be seen as and thought of as a woman. I want to BE a woman. If I'm feeling feminine and someone calls me "sir" or "he" I have a very visceral reaction on the inside. I want to loudly argue, "No. I am a 'she', not a 'he'."

You're describing what thousands of CDers in this forum have said over the years. Very few people here want to be seen as a guy in a dress. My own SO HATES to be perceived as a man when he is presenting as a woman.

[Saikotsu]

Thanks as always Reine. That was a really good article. I'd like to clarify something though. I'm not meaning to imply anything about anyone else's choice to crossdress or their motivations for such. I'm not them, so I couldn't possibly know why they do it or how they see themselves when they do it. I can't even assume what they want me to perceive them as either. After all, there are professional crossdressers who dress in drag for a living, then there are people who do it because they feel they have to or want to. We are all unique and have unique motivations for doing what we do.

The only person I can really speak for is myself. I don't consider myself a crossdresser. A crossdresser is someone who wears clothing of the opposite gender. When I shift from male to female, I feel discomfort from not having an external body to match my internal. I dress as a means to alleviate that discomfort. I can't have a body that matches my gender identity all the time. For those times when I feel it most, I wear gender matching clothes as the next best thing to actually becoming female.


You're right in that what I said described what thousands have said before me. I should have been clearer and said more of what I said above: I dress because its the closest I can get to actually being female during those times where I identify as such. But when I feel masculine, I avoid dressing in womens clothes because I'm not a woman. Thanks for pointing that out, because it helped me explain it better. :)

[Natasha V]

Thank You ReineD for the link.

[ReineD]

I'd like to clarify something though. I'm not meaning to imply anything about anyone else's choice to crossdress or their motivations for such. I'm not them, so I couldn't possibly know why they do it or how they see themselves when they do it.


Yes, I understand this. I'm just saying that, Drag Queens aside (and most here are not DQs), a bulk of members have felt and feel, like you, they dress to reflect who they feel they are internally and when they dress they do feel like women and not men in dresses. You should pay attention to the subtexts in posts. The only thing that changes, really, are the words used to define this and that's OK.



When I shift from male to female, I feel discomfort from not having an external body to match my internal. I dress as a means to alleviate that discomfort. I can't have a body that matches my gender identity all the time. For those times when I feel it most, I wear gender matching clothes as the next best thing to actually becoming female.

No member here who is not a physically transitioning TS has a body that matches the way they feel when dressed. I can't tell you how many times my own SO and many others here have said they'd love to have real breasts while dressed, and some also have wanted vaginas, that would disappear in guy mode if this were possible. While of course individuals are unique, if you go back and read the thousands of threads that have touched on this subject over the years, you will find a bulk of members feeling the same way you do and using clothing, forms and hip pads to express who they feel they are, regardless of what terms they've used to describe themselves.

[Saikotsu]

I must confess subtext is something I struggle with. I'll keep working on recognising it in my own words as well as others.

I'm not sure how to respond to the second half though. I'm getting a "you're unique but you're like thousands of others" vibe from it.

[Jazzy Jaz]

Perhaps I can offer some of my experience as I do feel there are some differences in some of the terms used here, although idividuals who choose a term may feel differently than someone else using the same term which can help keep it confusing. I identify myself as bi gendered or dual gendered which I experience very differently from Saikotsu and others whom I have seen describe being gender fluid. For me I am a mix of male and female but my gender balance is not fluid, it is fixed. I dont feel mostly male one day and then wake up feeling more female the next, nor does my balance change throughout the day. It remains a consistent blend. When I dress I dont feel more female other than physically and when in drab I dont feel more male, I feel the same in both. I could totally dress 50% of the time male and 50% of the time female if i was willing to be completely out but I'm not so oppertunity often plays a role in when I dress. I can watch a chick flick and immediately follow it with a "manly" action movie without my gender changeing (of course both movies can be for both genders) and in an action movie I can have my adrenaline going during a high intensity kick ass part and then shed a few tears when the next scene is mushy and has the sad music, then ready to kick some more ass. I dont really know what else to say at this point other than to thank you Saikotsu and others for sharing your genderfluid experiences with us and helping us understand what its like. Honestly what you described sounds exhausting to me. Im sure it just feels normal to you though.

Also, as I've said before I would love to be able to shapeshift and have a womans body at will and go back and forth but even then my gender balance wouldnt change to dictate when I have either body. If I was in a female body I would still feel my normal mix of both male and female, the only thing that would change would be the body and the experiences I could have with it ie.fitting in like a gg, sex, treatment etc.

[Saikotsu]

You're welcome. You're right in that I don't really feel exhausted by it, it's just a part of my reality. My "truth" as it were. I would totally love to be able to shapeshift. I liken it to my avatar, Ranma. He is "cursed" in such a way that if he gets doused in cold water he becomes a girl, and if she gets doused in hot water, she becomes a guy. I'd call it a blessing, but he hates it.

@Reine:
After giving it some thought, I think the deeper meaning you were getting at is that my experiences aren't all that different from everyone elses, just labeled differently. Am I right?

[GeorgeA]

Thank you, Saikotsu, for posting this.

I learned something very interesting, something I was not fully aware of. Even knowing the term "genderfluid" I was not aware how people like you feel and behave. Being completely masculine it is sometimes difficult to put myself in the shoes of those that are affected by "pink fog" or similar.

As I said I am a man and never consider myself a woman. I don't even like the term "crossdresser' as it implies "crossing" something, but I use that term for the lack of a better word. I am a man who likes to wear clothes that are commonly worn by women. I wish there was a term for men like me, that would distinguish us from the "common" crossdressers. By using a word "common" I do not intend to denigrate those people. But we are different, (and I know there are others like me; I have occasionally seen posts from them) we do not want to look like women, we do not wish "to pass", we just like to dress the way we like.

I love this forum as I met here so many different types and I completely empathise and support those who are different than I.

I enjoy reading posts from people who try to present themselves as women and I applaud their efforts, as I do of those who transition or are genderfluid, etc.
We all are one community here and support one another.

I meant to post something like that for a long time, and your post seemed like a good incentive to do so.

Once again, thank you, Saikotsu.

[Saikotsu]

Thank you Salerba. And you're welcome. I'm glad I was able to show you a different slice of life, and I'm glad my post encouraged you to share your thoughts.

[ReineD]

I'm not sure how to respond to the second half though. I'm getting a "you're unique but you're like thousands of others" vibe from it.


Yes we're all unique in terms of personality, physical appearance, preferences, etc. But, you do share a lot in common with a lot of people here, in that you do feel like a woman when dressed, you want to experience everything a woman experiences and you certainly do not want to be addressed as a guy or perceived as a guy who is wearing a dress.

It's true we have a few members whose goal it is to present as men wearing dresses (male hair cuts, no makeup), in fact I think there is a current thread about this, although most people here will agree they have not seen too many CDers do this. And then there are some members who know they could never look like a woman even with the best forms, makeup, clothes, etc, so they've come to accept that people will see them as men when they dress and because of this maybe they don't try to overdo the female look as they age. There might be one or two more categories, but all told, there are not more than 5-6 or so types of CDs/TGs/genderfluids/nonbinary/etc who will not fully transition to full time women and who also do acknowledge a male self in terms of how they express themselves.

Plus there are the members who might identify as genderqueer and who feel the same way regardless of dressing as women or men, OR who prefer an androgynous look (younger members perhaps ... long natural hair, minimal makeup, no forms, and who aren't bent on being perceived as strictly female.

... And then there are a few categories of TSs too (the people who identify always and fully as strictly women, with no male feelings): those who will physically transition all the way including SRS, those who will only partially physically transition and who may or may not live full time as women, and one or two members here who do not want any physical transition at all including HRT but who live and dress full time as women.

OK, so there might be a dozen or so major types of members here all told, but I'd say that for the people who do retain a sense of male self like you (the non-transitioners in my second paragraph), I think you will find that a rather large chunk do feel female when they are dressed, they do not want to be perceived as "a guy in a dress" if they can help it (it is offensive when this happens), and they also feel terribly uncomfortable when they have an urge to dress but must for whatever reason stay in guy mode.

[pamela7]

@Reine; as ever you are so perceptive. I reckon the labels matter during a phase of "understanding who/what I am"/"contextualising where I fit in given that i'm a misfit among misfits here in this community", and as the self acceptance grows, the label becomes irrelevant or less relevant, except perhaps then in explaining to a non-TG person how to contextualise us (if "human" is not good enough).

One complication is that these things can change, yes there are some very "fixed" people, but for many of us, we are gradually letting dawn on ourselves stuff so deeply buried under a lifetime of pretense that we really don't "know" where it's going, which is why some TS folk might perceive it's a one-way road to transition. Probably we mostly think it's easier for the "others" who simply know they're "a woman in a man's body" or "a plain old vanilla CD'er", but we all have our sufferings and joys.

We also see what we want to, we hide from who we don't want to see, we hide what we don't want to be seen. No wonder the sense of identity of one of us is "that damned elusive Pimpernel" (who I think might also have cross-dressed in the Baroness Orczy novels).

PS: the very first secret identity credited in wikipedia is indeed the Scarlett Pimpernell, I think I'm onto something here:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secret_identity

xxx Pamela

[ReineD]

One complication is that these things can change, yes there are some very "fixed" people, but for many of us, we are gradually letting dawn on ourselves stuff so deeply buried under a lifetime of pretense that we really don't "know" where it's going, ...

Yes, and for a few it keeps on going to the point of transition, while for most others it goes full circle, getting to the point where the dire urgency to dress that existed when they were first un-burying themselves calms down after some years to the point where they no longer question how far they want to go. I've seen this time and time again here and in the community members I know. They reach a place of comfort and establish a balance that is convenient to their circumstances, whatever that may be, whether it is to dress on weekends, or a few times per month when either the mood strikes or the schedule permits. Although they might have once toyed with the idea of getting breast surgery or taking HRT and wondered if they were in fact women, over the years they stop fretting about what to call themselves and they find a look that works for them with a minimum of effort. And like most members who go out, they discover they don't need to physically alter themselves in order to have positive experiences when going out.

[pamela7]

Yes, our F2M son has achieved that balance after several years, they are stably happy with being a male in a female body. It's the logical outcome for me.

[deebra]

Saikotsu, I've had the exact same feelings you've had,dressed male then the mind says female and you dress female to satisfy that feeling then the brain says male I'm not totally comfortable in these female clothes then dress male then the urge to dress female reappears; by now you're getting a little frustrated with yourself with so many changes back and forth. Then I've thought just put on the female clothes and make yourself keep them on and see if you can make yourself get use to staying female. When I've done this the excitement of dressing in fem clothing lessens to I'm just in clothes, and I don't like to loose that exciting feeling of wearing those sexy feminine clothes that I'm not suppose to be wearing. That said wheather I'm mentally really into wearing the female clothing or my mind has changed to where I'm ready to get out of them when I look in the mirror I am quite pleased with the woman looking back at me with all those nice nice curves, when I see this I'm turned on again to being in womens clothes and how good my body feels in them.

Another on again off again experience is when you get horn#y, I immediately think of "how sexy" women are and put the clothes on to heighten the sexual high, this adds to what is about to take place; after taking matters in hand and the fireworks have concluded the feeling is to take them off. After some time has passed and I dress to what ever degree I'm turned on to being in the same sexy clothes sexy women are in and it feels mentally gooood. I have no desire to emulate an average looking woman, just young, pretty,sexy and curvy.

Hope this helps.

[Saikotsu]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

@Deebra
It did. Our experiences are definitely similar, though mine never have a sexual element to them. I don't really find it frustrating with the shifts though. It's like being hungry. Sometimes I'm hungry. Sometimes I'm not. I can't always control when I'm hungry, but when I am, I can do things to mitigate it like eating a snack or having lunch. Hunger is a part of life. Like hunger, being genderfluid is just a part of my life that I've learned to deal with as best I can. Some days it's worse than others.

Rather than just dressing and staying female, I've taken to a more mixed approach. Painted toe nails, women's glasses, and other small, concealable things. Things that aren't severely going to bother me while male, and little shout outs to my feminine side while female. That way, when I'm out and about, I can manage my shifts a bit more easily. When I'm home I can more fully embrace any side I wish.