I Hate Having to Keep this Secret

[shining-sera]

So here's the deal. I currently live with my parents and they're pretty conservative. I've had to hide all my "Sera" stuff from them in fear that'll lose their minds if they found out. At the same time though, I don't wanna have to keep this secret from my family because I love them. My Sera side wants to come out though, I went driving around midnight last night fully dressed and absolutely loved letting my feminine side go nuts.

Anyone else dealing with this? Perhaps maybe share some stories of how you let your girl out?

[MissDanielle]

I can't have my stash at home but I feel your pain. I can only feed the girl within by going shopping and trying on clothes while drab. Come next summer, I'm moving and can be free to be me!

[eire emma]

Hi Sera. I know exactly what you mean. None of my family know I dress and probably never will at this stage. I used to have my clothes in bags under my bed for years. After a purge and long while away from dressing. I realized with the help of a therapist that Emma is more than Makeup,shoes and clothes to me. She is a real person and deserves respect and the right to exist, she has to be expressed for me to function properly and tbh be in a good place mentally. Now her clothes hang in my wardrobe. I put some of my guy jackets around her stuff just in case anyone has a peek in there. Her makeup is on my top shelf in there as well. When Emma gets to go out I usually go away overnight now and stay in a hotel. A couple of good friends know about her with along time and were a great help back through the years doing my makeup and letting me change where they worked. I still get a bit of help from them now and again but I try to do my own makeup now. I'm keep up my facial and brow appointments with them though! Very important! Look,you know your own family. Have a good think about it all and decide what is to be gained by telling ?It could be wonderful but maybe not,only you know and you do,deep down. I'd love for my family to meet Emma,especially my sister but in reality I don't think they could handle it. The very best of luck to you Sera. :-)

[Beverley Sims]

Coming out can be a slow process and as you grow up, situations change and you get your own digs.

Then you are free to move as you please.

Just have patience and keep that bag under the bed a little longer.

Maybe coming out to your parents could be advantageous?

[Molly James]

Hi Sera. I know how it feels to be constantly hiding such a secret - it eats away at you from within & there's a constant ache in your stomach akin to teenage angst - well, that's how it affects me anyway. Only you know your family & only you can make such a tough call. I decided to tell my wife simply because I felt my head was going to explode & I didn't want her feeling I was hiding something & reach the conclusion that I was seeing someone else. Nobody else knows nor hopefully ever will. Has it improved anything? Yes & no - she hates thinking of me dressed up, she hates that I do it & she barely wants to know me for the rest of the night if I've spent one of my very rare opportunities to dress upstairs out of the way. But, we love each other very much & she has told me if it had upset her that much then she'd have gone. We don't talk about it unless I pluck up the courage to ask if I can spend a few hours out of the way dressing up or if she knows she'll be away from the house for several hours with the kids & is happy for me to stay at home - not a brilliant arrangement I know but works to a degree albeit that angst is seemingly still a permanent feeling because I cannot express myself freely as often as I would like at home.
Best wishes with your journey.
GiGi

[shining-sera]

Thank you all for the wonderful encouragement, it means a lot to know there are people who can understand.

[Stephanie47]

You really have to be careful how and when you decide to reveal Sera to others. I really do not know what you mean when you say you want to come out to your parents because you love them. I can't give you advice. You're the person who knows your parents attitude towards issues like same sex marriage, gays, lesbians and transsexuals. You could very well lose that relationship by making a "reveal." And, "coming out" to anyone, wife or parents, does not automatically mean you're going to be able to dress freely at home.

[shining-sera]

That's true, and why I haven't told very many people about it. I've only told 2 people who were REALLY close friends and are generally very open-minded on many things. I guess what I was trying to say is that it feels like I'm lying to them by not telling them, which I obviously don't want to lie to them because I love them.

Right now, it's not an option to reveal Sera to my parents. Maybe several years down the road.

[Amanda M]

Sera, I think you are confused. You don't want to tell them 'in case they lose their minds' and yet you want to tell them because you love them. Is this about them or about you?

Take a long time before you leap!

[MissDanielle]

I told my parents and they think I WANT to be a girl and that I'm weird. TG, CD, and all these other gender identity labels still have a long ways to go. My friends that I told were acceptive and supportive.

[shining-sera]

Sera, I think you are confused. You don't want to tell them 'in case they lose their minds' and yet you want to tell them because you love them. Is this about them or about you?

Take a long time before you leap!

This whole situation is confusing frankly.

That is an interesting question though, if this is really about them or about me. I'll have to think on that.

[sometimes_miss]

Sera, all I can tell you is, for 20+ years I hid my crossdressing very carefully from my family. Many times I thought of coming out to them, believing that all the good things about me would surely over compensate for the one little crossdressing issue. Boy was I wrong. The pink fog was thick. When I finally did tell them, my sister basically wound up cutting off communication with me, and my mother refused to address it; once, while at her house, I picked up a Lane Bryant catalog, she angrily said, 'Are you still doing that?' with disgust. It's now been almost 20 years, and nothing has changed. Even the Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner thing has not changed how they feel about those of us who aren't perfectly straight. So be very, very careful. Even lots of people who appear to be tolerant can become very upset when the issue is one of their own family members. Anyone gay in your extended family? Or a neighbor? If so, how do they feel about that person?

[Krisi]

Sera, I can't help you with how to tell your parents that you are a crossdresser, but I can tell you that your chances of hiding your feminine "stuff" from people you share a house with are pretty slim in the long run. Sooner or later someone will be cleaning or rearranging things and find something that will catch their attention.

How did you get out of the house fully dressed without the chance of them noticing? And back into the house?

If you continue to do this, they will find out. It may be better to come out to them on your own terms. Or wait until you can have a place of your own. A place in another city and don't give them a key.

[Pat]

I can't give you advice on how to come out but while waiting for the right strategic moment, try laying some ground work. One of the hardest parts about coming out to family and friends is that they have a set of expectations that sort of lock you into being "how you've always been." Any change of personality becomes a difficult transition -- if you suddenly "get religion" or lose religion, if you suddenly become a rabid golfer or reveal you're a crossdresser. It requires those who thought they knew everything they had to know about you to have to re-index and that causes some problems.

So here's a thought -- before you do show & tell on clothing, get them used to Sera the person -- that is, while still dressed and presenting male, be Sera. I can't say for sure, but I'm guessing that you may project some male behavior as a defense mechanism. Be the kinder, gentler you that you want to be. Show them Sera every day; get them used to that part of you. There'll be less shock when the clothing comes out (if it ever does.)

[heatherdress]

I don't buy that not telling someone that you crossdress is lying to them. People often hold back illness and serious problems from those they love for many appropriate reasons. Only you can judge what is best to do.

As you get older, your situation will change. It is probably best to be cautious now to protect yourself and to protect those you love.

[Amy Fakley]

Heather is right. It's splitting hairs to call hiding your dressing "lying". I don't tell my family all about it, every time I void my bowels either.

Not telling them isn't a form of lying, it's a case of not talking about things that are typically not discussed in polite company and for which they had no need to know in the first place. Now, if I'd just come back from the hospital after colon surgery ... ok, then they'd have a legitimate need to know, and hiding it from them would be wrong. You see where I'm going here?

Does your family have a legitimate need to know about your dressing, or are you just feeling guilty or maybe you just want to share this part of yourself with someone?

This is an important matter to be clear on, before you make the decision to tell your family. It's a little different when you're considering telling your SO, I'd say your SO always has a legitimate need to know. Your parents and siblings? Not so much. Unless you're transitioning, It's really none of their business, if you ask me. Even then, it's still kind of none of their business, really.

Having to keep a secret that goes so deep ... needing to hide your true self from the entire world constantly ... it is hard. I totally get where you're coming from. Perhaps it would help to seek out a trans support group in your area? This would give you an outlet for letting your girl shine loud and proud, without the need to potentially blow up your home situation.

Your profile doesn't say how old you are? Are you living at home because you're still a minor, or because the job market sucks?

[Karren H]

The truth isn't for everyone. It will set you free.... But at first it will piss you off! Sometime not telling is the best coarse of action especially if you know the results will not be good. I personally wish my wife had never found out.

[Tracii G]

I agree just act more like Sera in guy mode and let your family get used to it to some degree.
You are not lying by not telling anyone and to think so is just silly when you think about it.
My ex wife knows but I haven't told my adult kids because I see no benefit in doing so.

[AmandaM]

I would say don't tell while living at home if you don't think they can handle it. You don't want your home life to turn into hell. Just wait until you move out or are able to move out if they take it badly.

[shining-sera]

I turned 27 in August. I do have a good job now, but my parents are pretty elderly so by staying at home I could help them out. I figured eventually I'd move out West.

I think I'm gonna let people start seeing more of Sera's personality while in guy mode. Thanks for all the replies everyone, it's nice to know so many people that care and have insight.

[Jacqueline StGermain]

I never told my family ( it would have killed my dad) my mom found my stuff more than once. We briefly talked about it after the first time, she asked me if I wanted to be a girl, I said no, but I'm sure she knew.
After the first time, she would go in my room, and no matter how well I hid it, she would find it and it all would disappear, leaving me to start over more than a few times.
I had very loving parents, and I'm sure my mom would have accepted me( she did in everything else)
She passed away just before I was to the point of being ready to tell her. I always had a vision of us shopping together

[SHINY-J]

I don't know your age, background, upbrininging, parents attitudes, etc... I also don't know where you're at with your dressing and if it's something you just do for fun or if you're transgender, gay, bi, straight, etc...

I think everyone on this board has different levels of where "the secret" comes into their lives. For myself, it's purely for sexual gratification... I don't desire to be a woman any time other than the bedroom and when I'm aroused. That being said, it's probably easier for me to say that it's okay not telling your parents about it because it's not of any real vital importance to them what my sexual fetishes are. It's one thing about wanting to tell your parents about your sexual orientation or sexual identity because it's how you want to live your life going forward and it would be unfair and unreasonable to hide your future relationships and/or your sexual identity/orientation away from them... It's another to not tell them that you're into bondage, whipped cream, balloons, being spanked with a stalk of rhubarb,...etc.:D so obviously, my circumstances are different. It's easy for me to just stash my femme clothes away because they only serve a purpose in a small portion of my life.

My advice:... If you truly have reasonable fears about telling them at this time, then don't. You know them better than anyone on this board. It's a great place to come and get advice and thoughts from others, but IMO, it's something where you will feel much more comfortable doing when the time is right. Not that it's ever gonna be a walk in the park when anyone has that talk, but I'm sure that you'll be in a much better place emotionally and you be better able to express yourself and explain your feelings to them.

Good luck!