What would've encouraged you to open up..?

[foreverwithme]

GG here, I'm in a LTR, with my SO who crossdresses, I have extremely strong feelings that it's more than just crossdressing though and think trans is a possibility. He's NOT a talker though. The reasons I think this though are as follows:

At one point he stopped only dressing for fetish purposes, and began to dress simply to bed to go to sleep
We had some trust issues for a bit and I would check his phone (This has been resolved and worked past, and I respect his privacy now) but during this time he had told a friend that he hates how hes seen, how much he feels comfortable en femme, etc. and ultimately a text saying "I want to be a girl"
He no longer talks to that friend at my request (lines were crossed, hence the issues, which again have been resolved) but while working through that stuff, I had said why dont you talk about that stuff with me? or trust me to be open to? His response was I can't talk about that stuff because I want to spend my life with you and you would leave me if I told you whats going on with me
He came home drunk one evening and told me he wished he had boobs.


His one of those people the pushes emotions down, and we're young, only twenty, so hes still trying to figure this stuff out, but I really want to help. He's my best friend, and we've been together for almost 5.5 years. We have a child together and want a future, I want him to trust me. If he woke up and decided living as a women, and transition would make him happy I would be right there. I've been nothing but accepting and I'm not heterosexual, so it's not like I'd have an issue being in a lesbian relationship.

I can see the toll it's all taking on him, his anxiety is so high, hes very depressed, I'm really worried. I don't want him to force himself to be alone throughout this. What can I do??

[tictac43]

Hello! It's truly great that you are so accepting and willing to be supportive. I would suggest maybe offering to do something girl with him? Not sure if you already do but maybe go shopping together or do makeup together? That might make him happy to be sharing the experience with you and then open up?

[Laurie A]

"His response was I can't talk about that stuff because I want to spend my life with you and you would leave me if I told you whats going on with me"

Do you think there is more than just the crossdressing that is keeping him form opening up to you? If you have reassured him that you wouldn't leave, then what other objections are there to him opening up to you?

[pamela7]

it's pretty obvious he's thinking long-term transsexual with all of the consequential highs, lows and probably self loathing and more.

If you decide you are in for the long haul, then tell him that you are with him all the way to the end, even if he transitions. then he might open up, but first be very very sure you are, or you might cause more damage than good.

[AllieSF]

I think that Pamela is on a good line here. I would analyze how you would feel if he felt the need to transition. Since you appear to be the one who can talk about deep issues and hopefully handle them in a pragmatic and mature way, I think that it would benefit you to look at a worse case scenario and what might be your reaction to it. If one goes the transition route many changes will take place including potential and probably loss of some or most ability to obtain and then retain an erection for sex, a change in mood and attitude that may be hormone replacement therapy induced or just influenced by the fact that one is finally being totally honest and open with others about who they are, potential issues with long term employment and career path to higher levels of responsibility and subsequent income, and so on. Thinking about the potential consequences does not mean that any or all of them will occur. However, they could and if they do how would you react and handle them?

There are a few couples here that are managing and getting on with life as one spouse transitions. They are many more that have gone their separate ways.

After this potentially painful analysis, I would recommend that you sit down and have that very serious and open talk with your SO. He needs to know how much you can deal and live with and you need to know about those things that he thinks may drive you away if he tells you all. Any long term relationship, with or without marriage needs and deserves to have all the cards laid face up on the table. Going in with doubts can be a very successful lead to disaster and hurt feelings.

If he refuses you should consider couples counseling with someone who understands gender identity issues and use them to act as that independent third party to facilitate more open and constant communication about a very important and delicate issue that affects both of you. This is definitely a two way street and it will be much better if you both are on the same side of the road going more or less in the same direction. I wish you the best of luck.

[melissa247]

you are a diamond just to say that firstly,if you are willing to let him go full woman and he knows then the only other thing is he willing to be your wife/partner/or is he/she hoping to be with a man?that seems to be the main issue and maybe just encouraging him/her to know how much you love and support what he/she does,then maybe that will be enough to help open up the conversation some..and if you find out that ultimately being with a man is the final goal..then you will be well aware..I would maybe go to a therapist together or seperately at first and work into going together..that way both sides of your world will be taken into consideration,as well as your child's future.the main thing is how supportive of it you are is very impressive ,compassionate and loving and your s/o is very very lucky indeed to have someone who has such a big and loving heart and cares.I wish you both the best outcome possible even if it isn't the ideal scenario you both wish for..i hope it helps you both to grow and become closer and loving parents either together or forbiddingly/regrettably ...apart.

[heatherdress]

You seem to be doing all you can do, but if he has significant anxiety and depression, and may be troubled by transition possibilities, you might encourage him to get professional help.

[SometimesJen]

The others have some good thoughts, but I would like to address your original question. What would help me to open up?

A very close friend noticed that we were very similar in size. One day she came over to help with some yard work and asked to borrow some of my clothes. They fit so well we started joking about trading clothes. The next time I went to visit, she took me to her bedroom and asked me to try on a couple pairs of her pants and some shirts, at first under the guise of cleaning her closet. They fit so well that she had me try on some blouses and dresses, all the while commenting about how well they looked on me. Later we spent an afternoon just out running errands. She decided to stop in at a nail salon and bought me a pedicure. Only half teasing, she encouraged me to get my nails polished. Another time, we went window shopping. We commented about all sorts of clothing that would and would not look good on both of us. She soon started asking for my thoughts on fashion - which blouse goes with that skirt, what color shoes to wear with this outfit, etc. We also watched Project Runway, What Not To Wear, and other fashion shows, all the while commenting on what we liked, what we didn't, and the trends we saw. She also let me see that my secrets were safe with her, and i wouldn't be judged just for my thoughts. It took some time, but these small steps let me open up to more relaxed, open, and frank discussions with her.

It may not be time to tell your SO that you want to be with him / her forever, but just showing you want him to be happy as the person he authentically is can help open those doors, not to mention it sets a good example for your child, accepting & loving others for who they are.

[Tracii G]

Good advice so far.
I'm wondering if he is thinking I'm afraid I'm gay because I have these feelings about wanting to be a female.
He is young enough where that is a huge problem.

[Teresa]

He really has got to open up to you, he's so lucky that you are prepared to talk, he would have a greater problem if you didn't want to know.
As I read it he doesn't know where he is with his CDing, counselling is his only option rather than talking to friends. It's so easy to put two and two together and make five, as my previous counsellor told me don't live on assumptions it just screws you up, being open and talking is the only way of accepting what you are and coming to terms with it.

I know now that I'm transgendered , I was born with female traits and accept the label of male lesbian, my wife tells me she's not a lesbian but accepts me now for what I am .

[Taragirl427]

If he woke up and decided living as a women, and transition would make him happy I would be right there.

Have you told him this?

[Jazzy Jaz]

Another possibility in the sex department is that he may not neccesarily be focused on sex with men but rather just wanting to experience sex as a woman. If thats the case and along with him wanting to transition then he may not realize that you being bi sexual makes that actually possible.

[Robin414]

Wow, you're an incredible person, he's sooo lucky to have you! Maybe some counseling is in order, even if it's just you to get some good professional advice to bring back (therapy by proxy)?

It might be embarrassing for him though, if he's always portrayed himself as the macho kinda guy with you it might (likely) be really tough for him to turn 180?

[sometimes_miss]

and ultimately a text saying "I want to be a girl"
OK, at this point, he may prefer to see a gender specialist professional therapist to help figure out if he is TS or just CD. There are lots of underlying reasons why someone who is not TS to want to be a girl, but it's not likely that he will be able to figure that all out on his own; it took me decades to get it all settled. Today with all the information available, it will take less, but it's still going to be a tough road to travel, so to speak. Most major cities have at least one therapist who specializes in gender issues. I will try to find links for you, as we don't know where you are.

I had said why dont you talk about that stuff with me? or trust me to be open to?
Unless you have a good foundation in psychology and have studied transgender issues well, you may not be likely able to help him, and telling you a lot of things that he feels, he may believe will cause you to come to the wrong conclusions. This isn't a simple issue, as there are many potential reasons why he wants to dress up, and/or behave as a female.

think trans is a possibility. He's NOT a talker though.
One definite sign that he may NOT be TS; women bond by talking with the person they're with. Men bond by shared activities, which is why it will help if you share in his crossdressing activities.

His response was I can't talk about that stuff because I want to spend my life with you and you would leave me if I told you whats going on with me
This is based on just that; even he may not know what's going on in his mind about his gender issues. So he probably fears you jumping to the wrong conclusions, as many SO's have done before you. My wife was a nurse, and was absolutely sure that I was TS. Turns out, she was wrong. So even educated people misread what they think they see.

He came home drunk one evening and told me he wished he had boobs.
Yeah, pretty much anyone who likes to dress up in girl clothes wants breasts. Let's face it, lots of girl clothes look better when the figure underneath fits the garment the way it's supposed to.

we're young, only twenty, so hes still trying to figure this stuff out, but I really want to help.
Get ready for a long 'ride'. I hope you like to read, because to really understand this, you're going to be reading a whole lot!


I'm not heterosexual, so it's not like I'd have an issue being in a lesbian relationship.
He needs to know that you'd stick with him, because most women who are bi/gay wouldn't be interested in a MtF TS, and he probably knows that.


What can I do??
You're going to get lots of advice here. Stay tuned, as they used to say.


it's pretty obvious he's thinking long-term transsexual with all of the consequential highs, lows and probably self loathing and more.
I tend not to jump to conclusions like that. We don't have nearly enough information to justify that diagnosis.

I would suggest maybe offering to do something 'girl' with him? Not sure if you already do but maybe go shopping together or do makeup together? That might make him happy to be sharing the experience with you and then open up?

^this would probably help. Participate in his dressing up. Maybe make him sort of like your Barbie doll and see how pretty you can make him. Ask if he'd like to try that. And, important, don't forget to give him real hugs while he's dressed as a girl (none of this quick, pat on the back type hug, which is felt as if the person who's doing it really doesn't want to, it has to feel genuine). Most of us have experienced feeling repulsive to women while we are dressed up. Physical affection (not sex) is a great stress reliever. But remember too, that HE might feel a little uncomfortable trying to do that when he's dressed, and any sign that you aren't truly eager to hold him then will backfire.

Here's one such list of therapists in the U.S..
http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

[Marcelle]

Hi there,

One thing you wrote resonates quite loudly with me . . . you are both young (20) and to be honest are still trying to figure things out. Is your SO a transsexual (TS) or believes he is TS? Nobody can truly say except him. Indicating (while drunk) he wished he had breasts, or dressing in female attire does not necessarily mean he is TS. He definitely sounds as though he is trying to figure out his gender identity but it could just be that . . . figuring things out. I know when I finally accepted this part of me, it was confusing to say the least and I was 49 at the time with a wife of 25+ years and it took a lot of soul searching to figure this out and bring me to where I am today (TS).

The fact that you are supporting your SO during this journey is great and communication is important as it will help to keep you both grounded in the reality of what is happening. However, I would not jump to the conclusion he is TS based on what you have observed. My recommendation would be to sit down with your SO voice your observations then recommend that he think about seeing a therapist who specializes in gender identity issues. This person will help to bring order to chaos and can work with both of you (if you wish to partake . . . my wife did in our case). He may be TS but then again he may not and a trained therapist is the best way to move this journey along.

Cheers

Marcelle

[mykell]

ok lots of advise....with you two being in your youth i would strongly advise to seek the help of a professional, finding out where on the spectrum you fall is very important for all involved, having a child in the picture makes things a bit more complicated....they're concerns need to be addressed also....its commendable that you are all in with all the possible outcomes of where this may go but ("devils advocate")......what if after a transition he wants to be with a man ?? just saying as he does not want to share all with you and you sound like your all good with everywhere this may go.... where will that leave you and the child ??

now let me try to answer the question....when i was at that age i still struggled with "what i was" and without internet and youtube and all i was paranoid of being outed, hell hath no fury like a women scorned, as such i would be hard pressed to trust anyone, wouldnt want a photo of myself dressed plastered in macys NY window.....lots i dont know about you folks but ill give it a go....

does he know your here ?? he can see you have some skin in the game, you identified as lesbian.
will he go to a support group with you, p-flag (there are others but i have used this group) is good as they have all types of meetings where parents and friends can come to support meetings, dressing is optional and i have not felt uncomfortable.
a nice intimate date weekend without the little one around for some free expression.
lay it all on the table.

i admire your commitment and as all relationships are a work in progress yours now has added variables that i hope can be overcome and as you can see you will be in our thoughts, hope you three can persevere and work this all out....

[Beverley Sims]

I think softly softly, every time he opens up agree with him, be positive in any suggestions you may have and when some difference of opinion comes up, quietly back off.

I think you are trying this already and as you are both young you do both have your own opinions about life.

Stay tolerant and above all be helpful and sympathetic in your decisions.

I wish you well.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

All you can really do is be patient. You're always going to be more mature than him- he will probably never catch you up, that's just a fact of life. Don't pressure him to define himself, just do what you can to minimise the pressures he imposes on himself...and let him process.

Keep coming here to share your worries, to vent- we admire you enormously and wish you all the best.

Hugs, Nikki

[CarlaWestin]

I see only one priority here. The raising of your child. Everything that you do as a couple has to go through that filter. When you are older, you will be either the victim or beneficiary of the the decisions you made as a twenty-something. And, so will your child. Although there's little information to go on, I believe your SO is a bit moody and selfish.